z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Chapter 1: Zai

by Dreamer84


I watched in awe as the fireworks roared across the night sky. red, blue, green, gold. 4th of July is my favorite because it always makes me feel alive and free. I smiled and looked at my watch and saw it was already 10:00 p.m. I sighed, it was time for me to go before the cameras at the rink turn on for the night.

I’m alone. I’ve been alone for awhile. I can’t exactly tell how long though I just have a routine and I go with it. I ran away a long time ago. Nobody understood me, I was all alone. Everyone thought I was weird because I was different than the others. As far as I know I am the only one of my kind in the world. I know nothing of my past and I know nothing of my future. I’m lost in this world, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s alright.

I’ve never felt like I belonged here in this world of mine and as far as I can tell I never will. I stand up and look down across the empty field . From this height I can see everything. The water tower is pretty isolated so I come here a lot to think. If you look really hard from the street then you might get a glimpse of me because this tower is so high though most people just write me off as a bird nesting in my vantage point. After a second I remember I need to get back to the rink. I shake my head to clear it then look one last time over the bright city lights. When I feel my head is clear enough I jump down from my great height. The fall lasts a few seconds before I finally hit the ground with a soft thud. I stand fully straight again and shake out my legs from the fall. Everytime I do that it always leaves a stinging feeling up my feet and calves.

After a second when the stinging has dulled I shake out my legs one more time for good measure and take off in a jog towards my motorbike, parked a half a block away so incase I am caught my bike was safe. My jog was brief because I am fairly fast at jogging. When I reached the spot my bike was hidden, I counted 3 trees before I found my hiding place. When I found the place a smile blew up my whole face and I walked through the cover of the trees. When I came across the bike I quickly uncovered it from the makeshift leaves tarp I constructed to better conceal my precious bike. After it was uncovered I checked it out to make sure everything was still in place the way I left it. When I was sure that my baby was still the way I left it, I smiled to myself in satisfaction. Still smiling I started rolling my bike out of the cover of the trees onto the abandoned dirt road.

Once I reached the road, I looked both ways to make sure no one was around to see me sneaking around by the water tower this late at night. When I was all sure that it was safe I finished rolling my bike out to the street. When I got to the middle of the road I swung my leg over the seat and sat down. I looked around one last time and then turned the key in the ignition and took off down the road. When I reached the intersection I quickly rode into an empty spot in traffic, I weaved my way through all the cars stopped for traffic in the direction of the rink.

I drove through town still heading south toward the rink. Once I was one block from the rink I slowed my bike and parked it behind a clump of old brush, then covered it to where no one can even recognize it as anything but brush. When I was sure it was covered to the best of my ability I gave my bike a satisfied look before jogging off towards the rink.

It took me less than 5 minutes the get around to the backside in my steady jog. It’s more or less a new record. (Not that I have been keeping track). I looked at my watch once more and saw it is now 10:15 and the last person in the rink will be leaving in exactly 10 minutes. I smiled knowing that leaves me exactly 10 minutes before the doors are locked and the security cameras go on for the rest of the night. I take a deep breath before heading in through the loose board in the fence.

Halfway through the fence I looked through to the building on the other side of the rink to check if the late employee was around to where he could see me. All I saw was his back and the headphones dangling from his ears. I smiled to myself and continued through the fence now that I saw it was safe. I started to make my way across the rink to the supply hut. I carefully wove my way around all the skating obstacles, straight into the supply hut on the other side of the rink.

I had to stop a couple if times on the way there because the employee kept looking outside making sure no daredevil skaters came to ride the “big lady,” the most dangerous pipe in the whole rink. Only famous or crazy people ever try the “big lady” because 9 out of 10 people break almost every bone in their body. It’s that dangerous.

I personally have never tried it, but then again I value my life and am not that crazy to try it. Although I have heard that a few people have gotten into the Guinness book of world records for it. Not for completing it though, it was for the most broken bones. I guess that’s something to be proud of….in some non-existing way.

I continued through the maze of the rink careful to stop when the late night employee turned around every 2 minutes. Finally after 9 minutes of stalking through the park I finally made it to the storage shack. Just in time to see him killing the lights and locking the doors.

I absent-mindedly smiled to myself at my successful lurking through the maze in this dark of night. After a minute of being lost in thought I remembered that the employee was still outside and my hiding place was not safe yet. I shook my head in the senselessness of my actions. After my mind was cleared I returned to the gap in the shack and searched through the tiny gap for the employee. When I finally found him I quietly stalked his every move until he was finally out of the gate quickly locking it behind him.

When I saw that he was gone I looked to the surveillance cameras professionally attached onto the now vacant building. As it pointed in my direction I quickly hid deeper into the shack. I counted off 30 seconds before I inched back towards the gap in the metal. As I looked out I was cautious in making myself known to the gap in case I waited to long for the camera or didn’t wait long enough. When I got close enough to see the camera I saw that it was just about to turn away from the direction of the shack and almost time for me to make my move.

I watched carefully for the camera to move away. Once I was sure it was far enough I quickly opened the shack door and shot my way through to the shop doors careful to stay out of the line of vision of the camera. Just in case it comes back before I got to the doors. I made it to the doors and turned around to watch the position of the camera. But when I turned around I was shocked to see that I made a very rookie move in leaving the shack door open.

I silently cursed to myself and watched the position of the camera slowly stalking dangerously in the direction of the open shack. I cursed once more in the direction of the shack and finally made my decision. I quickly ran towards the shack trying frantically to hide my face from the camera. I reached the shack as fast as I could without showing my face.

I closed the door as fast as I could while still covering my face. When I was sure it was closed and secure I quickly ran back to the door, not even daring to look towards the camera, knowing dreadfully that I was seen. ‘How could I be so STUPID? God I should have been thinking. I’ve never been that FORGETFUL! How could I make such a rookie mistake?’ I wondered furiously to myself. When I got to the safety of the door I mentally beat myself up for my stupid mistake.

After I regained my composure I went to work on the lock. It always makes me happy when I pick locks. It makes me feel calm and makes me forget my worries for minute. Literally, one minute later the door was open as if it was never locked in the first place. I smiled to myself at my victory and looked around one more time before opening the door wide enough to let myself through.

Now I have been inside the rink more times than I can count, making it to where I know every camera and every curve. One could say that I know this place like the back of my hand. If I do say so myself, I do know this place that well for I have been in here enough times. In the light and the dark.

I carefully wove my way around the counter careful to steer clear of the night vision camera hanging over the counter. When I was sure I successfully avoided the camera I quietly went behind the counter and to the door to the video closet. Now I was determined to not let anyone know I was ever there. So I started on the lock into erasing my terrible rookie mistake.

It only took a second but I was so tense in getting caught that it seemed to drag on for hours. I looked over my shoulder once more before proceeding inside. I was taken aback by the sight of all the expensive equipment. I have never seen anything more expensive than about fifty bucks at the local Best Buy. I shook my head freeing myself from the breathtaking daze. As I recovered I pushed the door back into place to where to the untrained eye it didn’t seem as though it was ever open but to someone with as much experience as me, you would know someone was on the other side.

I silently hoped no one with a trained eye was in the shop because even though it was closed somebody could still be here this late at night…it’s happened before. And I for one hope it never happens again.

It was four years ago when I first got out on my own I was trying to break into and old candy shop. Of course a twelve year old would seek candy of all things. I was shimmying my way through the gap between the door and the frame when an old man was walking by and saw me. He yelled, “hey kid what ‘re ya doing you’re not suppos’d to go in there that’s private property!” All I could do is panic I have never been caught before and I didn’t know what to do in situations like this so I froze.

The man came to where I was standing. I could see his lips moving but no words were coming out. My legs refused to move. In no time at all the man grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the gap. I started to move again but only my lungs I could feel that I was hyperventilating. I saw the man’s lips shape the words ‘Kid? Are you alright? Kid...’ and then all was black in the world around me.

I came to about, by my guess five to ten minutes later. Everything was foggy at first but after a second or two the world became more focused. I looked around and found out I was lying on the ground close to the candy shop door. In another second my hearing came to as well. Even though there was a slight ring to the sound I could hear the man talking on the phone to what sounded like somebody important. “...about eleven maybe twelve…I don’t know I was just walking by and saw the kid on private property. No I don’t know the kid’s name. whoever it is passed out before I could find out anything…I have no idea it is dressed like a boy...I don’t know if it is or not when it passed out some longish hair fell out of the cap. Alright well I’ll be here with the kid waiting to make sure it didn’t die on the fall. Bye”

I was glad to find out that the old man had limited information on who I was. As the man turned around to look at me I shot up off the ground and took off running in the direction of the town. The man was startled that I was awake that it took him a second to realize that I was getting away. I had about a block on him but that didn’t stop him from attempting to stop me in my pursuit to freedom.

As I was running I noticed that the man was losing speed but was gaining help. I heard the sirens of a special child services heading closely to the location I had only moments ago occupied. I only had to run a few more steps before the man lost his energy all together and had to stop. But, I couldn’t get too cocky yet because the special service people were already at the sight and were coming up alongside the old man. In a few seconds of rest I watched the old man speak to the feds and point straight in my direction. My eyes went wide for a second when I saw the feds start in my direction. I quickly started running again in a way that I only seen on t.v. When I came to a corner I took a left and ran until the other corner when I took another left when I looked behind to see that the feds were falling behind in my plan to lose them. As I reached the third corner I took a sharp right before hiding behind the nearest building I could find.

I held my breath as I waited for the feds to pass on this way or go straight from where I turned. It seemed like forever and I swear I was turning blue but I finally seen the headlights of the feds vehicle pulling alongside the buildings where I now occupied. I sucked in a deep breath even though there was none to suck and waited for them to pass. It scared me half to death at the thought of getting caught.

I watched as they strode by slowly checking far and wide to find where I had gone. I smiled to myself when they passed and let out a great breath that was adhered to the inside of my throat. I choked a little on the newfound air now that it was freed from the obscure clutches of my closed off windpipe.

I leaned out of my hiding spot and looked down the road at the fed’s car slowly becoming a small dot in the painting of the fading sun. When I could barely see the black sedan against the crepuscular light, I revealed myself from behind the building. I turned and ran in the opposite direction of the sedan making sure not to look back again. From that moment I vowed to never get caught in the act ever again.


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Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:33 pm
WritingWolf wrote a review...



Hey Dreamer! Here to review your novel just like I said I would. :)

First off, it's looking like this will be one pretty cool book. When I first started it I thought it would probably end up being rather cliche, but as I read on I changed my mind. Due to that I think you should try tampering with the very beginning. It didn't really catch my attention and honestly it sounded like this would end up being like every other book. But it's not, so you don't want your readers to think that.

I like the name Zai. But the title shouldn't be the only place where it's mentioned. This is the reader's first chance to meet Zai, so you want to make sure they know who he is and what he's called.

There where some places where you sentences sounded awkward, and a single word was repeated again and again throughout a single paragraph. This really isn't a very big concern right now. The more you write the better you'll get at this. I just want you to be aware so that when you're reading you can pay extra attention to how things are worded. Because chances are if the book was published it's sentence structure is going to be fairly good. So just pay a lot of attention to that, and write a lot. Eventually the smooth sentences will come naturally to you, and you won't have to worry about these awkward sentences.

And the one thing a lot of writers forget, imagery! It's your friend. It will pull the reader into your story even more then you would ever guess. A lot of writers struggle with this. But just like everything else it's just practice. I'd recommend that every now and again you just stop, pick a sense (sight, hearing, taste, ect) and then pick and object and just describe how that one object effects that one sense. (for practice it's best if it's something you're currently experiencing. So if you're going to describe what bacon smells like, it's best to do it while you're smelling bacon.) Once you've been doing that for awhile you can start doing multiple senses at the same time. (remember not to just say "It looked like this this and this" then "it smelled like this this and this." Try to blend the two together) Also practice mixing action and description together. One without the other is boring. Maybe try and describe the taste of toothpaste, while your character is brushing their teeth.
That will make it so that when you have to describe something, but don't actually have what you're describing in front of you it will be a lot easier.

I really enjoyed reading the flashback. It was fun. Your imagery was much better here. What I'm most concerned about is right before the flashback. It was slightly boring. And this being the beginning, you don't want it to be boring. That will lose readers.
But I sincerely enjoyed the flashback. Which shows that you are perfectly capable of making the rest really interesting, you just have to do it.

Another thing. You have classified this as "Action / Adventure" and "Fantasy." So far we've had some action and adventure, but nothing to imply fantasy. The first chapter is really important because it's a reader's first taste of the story. Whatever genre your story is, you should always make it apparent in the first chapter. So if this book will be fantasy, we should have some fantasy elements in the first chapter (or at least hints of fantasy elements).

Overall, this was really enjoyable to read. I will be reading the other chapters you decide to post on here. Hopefully I'll find time to review them. But even if I can't I'll still be reading!
Lovely work, keep writing!
~WW




Dreamer84 says...


Thanks for the feed back and there is a little hint with fantasy but I'm trying to keep it a secret and it comes in later in the story. I'm trying to keep the reader intrested while also keep a lot of it a secret because that is a main part in the story...i hope you read on and keep reviewing. i'll take your concerns into consideration but like I said this is just a ruft draft.



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Mon Feb 17, 2014 8:09 pm
Dreamer84 says...



You will have to read more to find more about Zai haha I am making the identity secret until later chapter so keep reading :D also keep checking out more chapters. I'm altering POV's so look for Chapter 2: Kade next :)




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Mon Feb 17, 2014 6:25 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I watched in awe as the fireworks roared across the night sky. red, blue, green, gold.

*there should be a semi-colon here instead of a period. "Red, blue, green, gold" is not a complete sentence. It's just four describing words strung together. So it needs to be linked to a sentence somehow. A semi-colon will help.

I smiled and looked at my watch and saw it was already 10:00 p.m.

*now, I'm not sure if there's a rule for how you should write out times, but I always write them out without the am/pm. To me it just sounds better. Instead of saying "it was already 10:00 pm", you could say "it was already ten at night". Doesn't that sound a bit better? That's my opinion anyhow.

I absolutely love your second paragraph. You give us such great insight into your character. It's so simple and straight forward; nothing too fancy or too complicated. Nice work. Now I have a better idea of the type of character you have here. One thing I do have to point out however, is that you switched tenses in this paragraph. You begin by using past tense (in the first paragraph) and then use present tense in the second paragraph. And then you switch back to past tense in the fourth paragraph. Be careful with your tenses. Make sure to keep consistent throughout your piece.

In the fourth paragraph, you seem to say that your character is smiling a lot. You can get the point across just by saying the word 'smile' once. You don't have to tell us every little emotion that your character feels. It gets a bit repetitive.

This is a very intriguing story. You've definitely captured my attention and interest. There's so much that I want to know about this character you've introduced us to. I don't know anything about them. I assume that your character is a boy, but of course I could be wrong.

I do hope that you introduce us to this world that your character lives in in later chapters though. You haven't told us very much about it. I'm not sure if this world is like our world or if it's a fantasy world. I'd like more information about that.

I really did enjoy reading this. I'll definitely be reading the next chapter.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Dreamer84 says...


thank you so much :) as I have said this is only a ruft draft but I will take those into consideration. Personally I no idea what this story is about I just hope readers like it. As I go along though I will try to interperate the scenery a bit more. :)



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Sun Feb 16, 2014 9:59 am
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deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey there Dreamer!
This was quite an interesting first chapter. You told enough to know this kid had some sort of special powers put kept a lot hidden to keep us hooked and wanting more! I quite like the casual nature of:

When I feel my head is clear enough I jump down from my great height. The fall lasts a few seconds before I finally hit the ground with a soft thud. I stand fully straight again and shake out my legs from the fall. Everytime I do that it always leaves a stinging feeling up my feet and calves.

This made me smile a bit and notice that this kid is special or not human. You also give the impression that this kid has a bad past but you don't tell us what so we read the next chapter. Very good first chapter!
I did find in a few places that your dialogue is quite awkward. One place for example is:
Alright well I’ll be here with the kid waiting to make sure it didn’t die on the fall. Bye

I don't know why they are referring to the kid as "it" and the rushed nature of "Bye." it feels a little bit awkward. In a few other places you missed out some capitals at the start of dialogue but those are minor problems.
Overall, I couldn't see much wrong with this! Just that little bit.
This was a very interesting read and I'm hoping for more!




Dreamer84 says...


thanks so much and the part of where the man is referring to the main character as "kid" is because I'm trying to keep the main characters identity and gender a secret (it was hard not writing some pronouns into it) :) but as the story goes along I am altering chapters by characters point of views and I am wanting the other main character to describe the "kid" so that it remains a secret and it keeps the reader hooked :)



Dreamer84 says...


thanks so much and the part of where the man is referring to the main character as "kid" is because I'm trying to keep the main characters identity and gender a secret (it was hard not writing some pronouns into it) :) but as the story goes along I am altering chapters by characters point of views and I am wanting the other main character to describe the "kid" so that it remains a secret and it keeps the reader hooked :)



Dreamer84 says...


thanks so much and the part of where the man is referring to the main character as "kid" is because I'm trying to keep the main characters identity and gender a secret (it was hard not writing some pronouns into it) :) but as the story goes along I am altering chapters by characters point of views and I am wanting the other main character to describe the "kid" so that it remains a secret and it keeps the reader hooked :)




People ask if I ever experience writer's block and I just have to laugh... that's my default position.
— Aaron Sorkin