z

Young Writers Society



She who loves the sun

by rhiasofia


A Japanese Magnolia occupies my yard
delicate, barely taller than I

pencil thin ashy branches expand
little veering trails restless eyes travel.

Winter, buds appear and multiply
bundled in velvety warmth.

Modestly, fuchsia blushes out
salacious as ankles and knees flashed.

As warmth of spring dawns tentative
how she blushes now!

Though, elusive can be spring, fickle
many a year giving in to freeze again.

In these, each flower consumed by the frost
molder and wither and blush no more

properly reprimanded, that beauty falls away;
tattered, once pearly, party dresses strewn.

~

I suppose, I could maybe be like that tree,
who loved the sun so much it forgot to fear of cold

carefully, I avoid the frigidity of strangers
blushes and smiles can be feigned and distant

reserving trust for warmer ones and then
burgeon to show that hidden interior

falling open before the warmth of a sun
welcomed instead by the embrace of an icy truth

just alike, sisters even, I too shrivel
that love-struck elegance slithers farewell

a beauty gone and tarnished dark,
littering and becoming one with the ground

until I find comfort in reminders from years past;
however destitute those branches stand

someday, come winter again, buds form still
so, I will too effloresce again.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
170 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 170

Donate
Wed Feb 12, 2014 4:17 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey rhisofia! Alex here to review your poem!
I really enjoyed reading this! I loved the word choice to describe the events in this poem in a fresh and new way. My favourite bits were:

a beauty gone and tarnished dark,

Very nice! And:
Winter, buds appear and multiply

I love how you describe frost as buds!
Just a few things that could be improved:
You need capitals at the start of every line and a period, comma or other punctuation at the end of every line. It's one of those poetry rules that we must obey :P
who loved the sun so much it forgot to fear of cold

Shouldn't that bit be "fear THE cold"?
Overall, lovely poem! Very nice imagery!




rhiasofia says...


Thank you!

Um, not to be rude, but there are definitely no "poetry rules", and they most surely do not say that you must start every line with a capital and end each with punctuation. The poem that follows that "rule" would be a very rare poem. Have you never read E.E. Cummings? Talk about no rules. Even this site has a forum about reviewing poetry, and it explicitly warns against using capitalization as criterion, because there is no right way to capitalize it. Keep in mind that each line isn't a complete sentence, I use enjambment here, so several lines may be one sentence. Grammar and capitalization in poetry are very subjective, and all a matter of the poet's personal style. And, no, I made it say "fear of cold" intentionally. I liked the way it sounded.

Anyways, sorry to bit your head off about that, I really do appreciate you taking your time to review, it is just a personal pet peeve when people think poems have some kind of structural rules that must be followed. Thanks again.



deleted5 says...


Ah ok, I kind of sounded like an English Teacher there no? XD
There are rules with a few things like full stops at the end of sentences in a short but I do agree in some poetry people choose not to as their own style. Also you don't have to follow anything people say in reviews as it is your work.
Still a great poem, I enjoyed reading it.



User avatar
134 Reviews


Points: 88
Reviews: 134

Donate
Tue Feb 11, 2014 12:54 am
View Likes
FruityBickel wrote a review...



Hello there!

This is a really nice poem, and very lengthy. However, I tend to have read as a run-on sentence due to the lack of completion of thoughts. As in, no periods, just pauses.

While I usually enjoy simplistic wording, the large vocabulary of this poem really blew me away. More so, the meaning of that vocabulary was nicely explained through the context of the rest of the poem. Nicely done on that.

This also helped with amazing description of the magnolia, as well as helped connect the similarities between you and the tree. By comparing the winter that strips the magnolia of its blossoms to the harshness of people that causes you to hide who you are, you're conveying to the reader rather nicely that there's a stark connection between certain people and certain seasons of the year.

Like I said, the only thing I really didn't like about this poem was the lack of stops. Due to the way I read things, I'd rather have sure completion of thoughts rather than everything run together. Other than that, nicely done. Keep writing!

~~Ayden




rhiasofia says...


Thank you! I know the stream of consciousness flow is always either a hit or miss with people, but I love reading it so I'm practicing writing it, too. Trying to capture my inner E.E. Cummings or Mary Oliver :) Thank you again




Mudwesterner
— BlueAfrica