Young Writers Society

Hi, Sassy,

This is a really stunning poem because it speaks out against something that should not be nearly as common as it is. Girls are getting too comfortable these days with settling for someone who isn't everything they should be for them and it's nice to see someone exemplify this.

I like that you're kind of telling a story here but the way you've structured it is a little to ambiguous; you should either make this a narrative (which I'm completely in favor of; I think this would make such an excellent narrative) or a poem. To make it a poem, however, would require a lot more flowery prose and such and I don't think this needs that. The beauty of the piece lies in its simplicity. I'm not one to go through and nitpick every little grammatical error but you may want to go back and review comma placement and maybe a few periods here and there wouldn't hurt either; it's coming off as kind of a run-off sentence. Either way, this is great and I hope to see more from you soon!

Very emotional! Great job with the story telling! I liked how you held so much imagery in so little words, as well as how simple the word choice was but how complex the story is. I like how you continued the previous thought of the last stanza and put it in the first line of the next. It tied the lines together, and made the thoughts seems less separate. It continued the train of thought a reader would have, and gave a storytelling feel to it.

One problem I had with the poem was the way the stanzas are cut up. A few stanzas seemed a bit wordy without being separated.
"What she swore she'd never turn into/it's a simple tale"

I feel like simple tale part should be a new stanza because it is a new thought, and if you keep the lines together, it can confuse the reader or seem wordy and distract them from the meaning of the poem.

I also believe that you should put periods at the end of stanzas that don't continue to the next one because it leaves it open ended and looks like the thought in each stanza has not ended.

Overall great job! The story was compelling and full of emotion and feeling. Loved it!

Hello! Happy Review Day!

First off, I like how this poem tells a story, and an important one that needs to be told. I like poetry that has meaning and poetry that makes me feel something, and this one not only brought forth emotions but also made me stop and thin after I finished reading it, which I think is one of the things that poetry is supposed to do.

I also liked the narrative style of the poem, it was easy to follow and understand and I knew exactly what you were trying to say, which I think in this poem was important.
However, at the same time this might have been a little too narrative. To be honest it looked like it was written in prose and then just broken into shorter lines so that it would look like poetry. See, the beauty of poetry is that you can condense and cut things out. Every word is important, so you get to be extra picky about which words you choose. I think the biggest change to help with this would be to work on the beginning a little bit more.

Don't tell us that you're telling a story. Just tell it. Start off right away and draw me into the poem with the very first words instead of explaining the 'simple tale'. Just tell it!

However, after the first stanza you added some really nice imagery. "Hanging by her last nail" "falling emotion" "shell of his former self" all of this brought in so much emotion and added so much to the poem; it was beautiful. I hope this helps, keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions or comments.