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Flyer's Flight: The Story Of The Opal (Prologue)



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Tue Sep 28, 2010 1:27 am
Maddy says...



Comments/Thoughts welcome, grammatical fixes especially welcomed.

Prologue.

8 years ago…

An eight-year old girl by the name of Talia is playing dress-ups with her collection of dolls in her bedroom.

“Walk it, Missy, strut your stuff,” the girl chants softly to her barbie, moving its legs across the floor. “Own that catwalk.”

She is delightedly content in her own world, absolutely absorbed. Little does she expect the horrors the next events will cause her.

A gut-wrenching scream comes from outside her room. The girl immediately drops her doll.

“Mummy?” she climbs to her feet and races to the door. Her heart is in her mouth. The girl is inevitably scared.

A blast of smoke hits her as she opens the door and the poor girl is very confused. She stumbles back blindly, but now the smoke is filling up her room with remarkable speed.

She screams loudly before the smoke invades her lungs. Her breath chokes. She falls to the ground on all fours. Her mind on panic mode, the youngster struggles to find a solution to the sudden chaos, but she does succeed. Stop, drop and crawl: the three-worded message taught to children by teachers to use in case of a fire emergency. Sealing her mouth shut, she bravely crawls out.

Not a second later, a strong arm scoops her up from around the waist, and she is flung on a shoulder. She is hurried back into her room and thrown on her bed.

“Dad, what’s going on? Where’s mum?” Talia coughs to the man, who is scanning the room. He finds a sturdy chair and nods to himself.

“No questions now,” he answers back sharply, and plunges the chair into the full-wall glass window. It shatters under the impact and glass flies everywhere.

“Quickly, Talia!” he calls to his daughter with open arms. She runs to them and he lifts her up. He then scrambles through the smashed opening.
They both land on the grass outside in a heap, coughing loudly.

The western sky facing the burning house is a brilliant orange, with the remains of the blue sky blurring into the darkness. It is a magnificent metaphor for the experiences these two are facing.

“Dad, what happened?” Talia asks. Her question is ignored.

“Listen here,” he says gently, and gets to his feet. He lays his hand on his daughter’s shoulders and looks her clear in the eye.

“I want you to run, okay? Run to Nan’s place, and don’t look back.”

The girl’s bottom lip shakes. “But what about my stuff? What about you and mum?”

“Don’t worry about them. You just sprint your little heart out to grandma and raise the alarm when you get there. Under no circumstance should you come back. Got it?”

“O-okay,” she says, sobbing.

“Now go,” he says, and gives her a little push. She hurries forward, but she cranes her neck around so she can gain one last look at her father.

“Go!” he urges.

There is another scream from inside, and without hesitation the father runs back through the glass opening and into the smoke after his wife.

The girl rushes past down the side of her house and out to the front of the property. She is tempted to look back, but is reminded of her father’s words, and resists it.

She runs out onto the street, struggling a little, but nonetheless covering a lot of distance.

She knows the way, of course. Many times has she walked to her grandma’s house. At a leisurely place, it might take one to reach it in, say, ten minutes. But at the speed of the little girl, and should I mention this child has the swiftness of a cheetah and the emotion of fear fuelling her, it takes half the time.

She runs up the porch steps of the two-storey house and she pounds her fists on the door. Footsteps are heard, and the door opens.

“My goodness Talia, what has happened? Where are your parents?” Her grandma is lowering herself down with the help of the doorframe just to meet the scared granddaughter’s face.

“I have to call the fire fighters! And an ambulance, too! Dad and mum are in our house and it’s on fire!”

The child pushes past her grandmother and hurries to the phone a few metres away. It rests on a carved wooden table.

She picks the receiver up and dials the emergency number.

“Hello? Yes, hurry up! My parents are in my burning house! They’re in Parkway Drive, Hiki! Get there fast!” she yells, and drops the phone back down. It is then her knees collapse underneath her and she falls down, tears streaming down her face.

-x-x-x-

“What a said day, indeed.”

“Mary was a terrific woman, and that Dwayne bloke was a hero. I still can’t believe they died in such a tragic way.”

“That poor girl, imagine what she’d be going through.”

Mutters that float past Talia. She pulls down her black hat to cover her ears and to hide her eyes, which are threatening to overflow with tears.

She clutches two red roses. She waits at the front of the line with people wishing to lay flowers on top of the two coffins.

When a man in a suit she doesn’t know ushers her forward, she does so. Her arm stretches across the coffin and she drops the rose in the centre, and she shuffles over to the other one and does exactly the same.

A shoulder pulls her back. It is her grandmother. She turns and snuggles against her awaiting arms and cries.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
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Tue Sep 28, 2010 1:37 am
wonderland says...



Alright, so, I really loved your beginning! It had everything, little descriptions to set the mood, then the accident that set everything off. Amazing.
The only thing I'd suggest is having whats in the past past tense, that way it's more clear.
Write On
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Wed Sep 29, 2010 12:40 pm
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hey Maddy! Thanks for asking for four reviews from the Four Musketeers! I'm Jai, and I'll be your first reviewers. *sigh* about the other reviewers, you might be waiting a while. They're a far bit behind :)

So, on to the review.

8 years ago…

An eight-year old girl by the name of Talia is playing dress-ups with her collection of dolls in her bedroom.

Hmm, first impressions? First, the high-lighted. Be careful of repetition. I know it's only small, but maybe you could vary the years a bit. Also, the first sentence is more of a stage setting. Perhaps, "Talia is eight. She's playing dress-ups... etc."

Also, I think you'd find it unlikely that an eight year old girl would be playing with dolls. On her laptop or writing in her diary. Eight years old is year three/four in Australia (depending on whether you're in NSW/QLD respectively). Would a Grade Three student be caught playing with a Barbie doll? In Grade Three we were experimenting with make-up, playing "Harry Potter", reading, and playing on computers.

“Walk it, Missy, strut your stuff,” the girl chants softly to her barbie, moving its legs across the floor. “Own that catwalk.”

When I think "own", I think "pwn". That's probably really not what you meant, but because of popular memes today, "own" is now "pwn", as in, "I pwned that noob!". So... But that might just be me.

She is delightedly content in her own world, absolutely absorbed. Little does she expect the horrors the next events will cause her.

The last sentence here is a tad too much. If the point of view is from the child/omnipresent narrator, I don't believe that sentence is necessary.

Stop, drop and crawl: the three-worded message taught to children by teachers to use in case of a fire emergency.

lol, where do you come from? In Australia it's "stop, drop and roll".

The western sky facing the burning house is a brilliant orange, with the remains of the blue sky blurring into the darkness. It is a magnificent metaphor for the experiences these two are facing.

I loved the first line, but once again, I don't know if the second is necessary. It's as if the narrator is interjecting into the story, and it's a bit jarring. Well, at least to me.

“Dad, what happened?” Talia asks. Her question is ignored.

I'd be asking about my mother.

“I want you to run, okay? Run to Nan’s place, and don’t look back.”

Where are the neighbours? The sirens?

There is another scream from inside, and without hesitation the father runs back through the glass opening and into the smoke after his wife.

This also seems weird. Why didn't he get both of them at the same time? Especially if the two rooms are so close together. Also, why would he allow her to run off? Wouldn't it be safer to stay in the vicinity and wait for the police?

Many times has she walked to her grandma’s house.

Awkward wording.

At a leisurely place, it might take one to reach it in, say, ten minutes. But at the speed of the little girl, and should I mention this child has the swiftness of a cheetah and the emotion of fear fuelling her, it takes half the time.

Hmm. If you're going to keep up this omnipresent narrator, you should probably introduce them/him/her in the beginning. "I'm just a lawyer, living in a run down old house on 26th Street in New York, but this story isn't about me. It's about a girl named Talia... etc".

“My goodness Talia, what has happened? Where are your parents?” Her grandma is lowering herself down with the help of the doorframe just to meet the scared granddaughter’s girl's face.


“I have to call the fire fighters! And an ambulance, too! Dad and mum are in our house and it’s on fire!”

This is also strange. Everyone has mobile phones. A child of eight is likely to have one too. And people generally carry phones on them. The father could have spared five seconds to dial 911, or 000, or whatever the Emergency Contact Number is. He only has to wait for the dial tone to connect, and the address would be registered immediately in their computer systems. And they would eventually send out a dispatch.

“Hello? Yes, hurry up! My parents are in my burning house! They’re in Parkway Drive, Hiki! Get there fast!” she yells, and drops the phone back down. It is then her knees collapse underneath her and she falls down, tears streaming down her face.

Why didn't she just go to a neighbour's place?

“What a said day, indeed.”

Wrong word here ;)

So.

It's a good premise for a story. Parents dead, grandmother to raise her, grows up either living life to it's fullest, or really conservative.

Looking forward to reading Chapter One!

- Jai, one of the Four Musketeers!
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Thu Sep 30, 2010 9:47 am
Georgiexx says...



Hey Maddy,
I told you i would read it. ;)
It was really good- the only thing i found wrong with it was the spelling that Jai picked up and maybe that it moved a little fast. But if that is how you like it, then its good.
I would have just slowed down a tad- explain some of the setting, or the noise the glass made when it shattered, the way that the flames whipped around or the feeling the smoke was causing ehr lungs.
Other than that, i loved it :)
Love Georgie XxxxxX
Today im happier than a bird with a french fry ;)
  





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Fri Oct 01, 2010 5:48 pm
Noelle says...



I really like the beginning to this story. By starting with a tragedy, you pull the reader in and make them want to read more. You also didn't give a lot away so that makes the reader want to find out more. I think this is very good. I for one would love to read more, and I will.

The narrator is still unknown at this point, but that could just mean you aren't ready to introduce them. Once you get a little farther into the story you will want to introduce them.

The description of the fire is very good. I could imagine everything that happened from the time smoke came through Talia's door. It was very well written.
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

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Fri Oct 01, 2010 10:19 pm
Soulkana says...



This was amazing and I envy your ability to describe and not over describe. This was truly amazing and very, very creative and well thought through. I shall keep reviewing the more you're posting. You had some spelling mistakes like storey its story but other than that i think its great and truly awaiting more.
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Sat Oct 02, 2010 1:28 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



I love the urgency of this. Like when the father tells her to run.
It is a little bit sightly cliche, however. I have read books before where the parents are killed because of what they are. But it was so well-written that it doesn't really matter.
You leave the readers wondering what is going on. Which is great.
I will definitely be reading the rest to find out.

Great job!
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Thu Dec 02, 2010 2:06 pm
Light_Devil! says...



Finally, here I am. Number Dous of the Dynamic Duo. Here to serve. Pleasure to meet you. Let us start at once!

Maddy wrote:The girl is inevitably scared.


That has to the wrong word. It just doesn't fit...

Her mind on panic mode, the youngster struggles to find a solution to the sudden chaos, but she does succeed.


I feel like making the noise from a game show when someone has answered a question wrong. This is not a proper sentence. To have a "but" you need to have something happen contrary to the occurance. This wasn't contrary, it wasn't perpendicular, this wasn't even parallel - this was co-linear. Co-linear, I tell you. She continued on with her path.

She knows the way, of course. Many times has she walked to her grandma’s house. At a leisurely place, it might take one to reach it in, say, ten minutes. But at the speed of the little girl, and should I mention this child has the swiftness of a cheetah and the emotion of fear fuelling her, it takes half the time.


Is this girl lame? Runing will not only cut the time in half, it will cut it into quarters. And then some.

Footsteps are heard, and the door opens.


Uh, from inside? From outside? I'm not sure where the steps are. If they're from the outside that's a tad bit redundant.

Her grandma is lowering herself down with the help of the doorframe just to meet the scared granddaughter’s face.


Why is there a "just" here for? There doesn't need to be one, in fact it makes the sentence odd. Please remove it.

“What a said day, indeed.”


Sad.

She pulls down her black hat to cover her ears and to hide her eyes, which are threatening to overflow with tears. She clutches two red roses. She waits at the front of the line with people wishing to lay flowers on top of the two coffins.


Notice how each of these sentences all start with "she". Please change some around so it isn't repetitive.

Overall:

You know, I'm fine with the whole omnipotent thing going on here, but I find it lacks a more intimate telling of the story. I think this would be infinitely stonger if told in first-person.

It seems a little cliche. You know, parents die when character was young. Somehow they died doing something important that the character doesn't know of until they reach "of age" (which varies depending upon the writer). This leads them on a journey to discover the truth about themselves. Anyway, tell me if I'm wrong about anything here.

I think this has the potential to be a good, if already done, story, but I'd like to challenge you to make the story the same, but with the complication of the parents still being alive. Seeing as you would connect with a larger audience as my parents are still alive.

Hoped I helped.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Dynamic Duo AWAY!!!

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Mon Aug 22, 2011 1:56 pm
IcyFlame says...



This is an interesting technique to use at the beginning of a novel and for the most part it's really good. I'm not really too fond of the cliché 'this many years ago' and think that it's not actually needed here. You could take it out and simply have the girl's age. If you do insist on keeping it in remember to change the digit to a written word. In this case '8' would become 'eight'.
Other than that you've paced yourself welll and the grammer and spelling are good.
Keep typing!
  








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