Of Lumas

[This is a short poem inspired by Super Mario Galaxy! Enjoy.]

Hmm. I've never read a poem quite like this.
It was nice, but not something I'd expect from you. I can't be too subjective, because I don't really understand what a Luma is. I'm not a Mario kind of girl. If I knew what a Luma is and does, then maybe this would make more sense and I could help you a lot more than I'm going to.
All I would say is this seemed sort of dull to me, honestly, but that's probably from my lack of understand of a Luma..*grimace*
This seems like a guide to the game, somewhat, not exactly a poem in all sense.
Still, I liked it. I just wish I understood what a Luma is. *frustration*
Anyhoo, if you ever need any tips/etc. just PM me.
-Mizz

Haha, I don't know about the green lumas since I got Mario Galaxy not too long ago. Sadly, I have not been able to get #2 yet. And, just to tell you right now--poetry really isn't my thing, but I was looking through your works and saw this! It's a very interesting, playful poem. I like it.

(I just figured out the quote thing XD)

Rosalina has encountered
many Lumas in her day
each with a distinctive color
varying in number
despite the similarities in appearance;--
that of a squashed-out star
with a high-pitched voice
and the universal craving for star bits
they’re all individuals
so shall we examine
what each color means?

I felt like the semicolon was out-of-place, so I inserted a hyphen instead.

The most common lumas of all,
they bounce around
on observatory grounds;
they’re really quite the playful sort.

Maybe you could add the punctuation I bolded? I'm a stickler for those things. XD

they like to listen to Rosalina’s stories

Here the rhythm just sounded off. Maybe you could try something like 'storytellers galore'. I dunno, I'm not very good at this stuff.

this tells us that they’re hungry--
hungry for star bits
if we give them away
we might receive a reward

Another hyphen. Yes, I like those things. XP

DARK BROWN
The guardians of the galaxies
They monitor the portal
Within each observatory
help Mario out with maps
they secure that the intentions of travelers are strictly noble
securing travelers' intentions,
noble in their deeds

So, in this stanza, you deviated somewhat from the pattern you'd been using before, and started using capitals more often at the beginnings of lines. And I found the last line a little wordy. I made a suggestion for it, but I'm not sure that it's that good...

to create a real challenge for our hero

Or you could say 'real challenges', depending on what it actually brings Mario to do.

WHITE
the rarest color of all.
Only one bears this color;
he sits inside of Mario’s hat
and gives him the power that he needs.
He wasthe first that Rosalina ever found.

Suddenly I'm finding a whole lot of periods! XP

Right, this was a very fun, playful piece! n_n I liked your fitting descriptions of the lumas and your "intro" stanza. And thank you for giving me something to look forward to! (heh, green stars...) Now I need to go look at more of your work! 8D

E.B. White! *squee*

Okay, I see that Isabella took care of all of the nitpicks that I saw so I won’t sit here and repeat everything she said.

But this sounds something like a poem you might have been assigned to write in junior high…okay, you are in junior high, aren’t you. Or close to that. But it’s not quite what I would expect from you, EB. This is almost like a guide to Lumas that has been chopped up into a bunch of lines. It’s shaped like a poem but it lacks a stable poetic structure, any sort of pattern, or anything particularly poetic about it.

I just think you could have definitely spun this and written this differently. Even doing something like rhyming would have made this more special. It’s an okay poem, but I know that your writing can be great. Not just great, freaking awesome!

~lil

Eh... it's very... cheesy? I would like to see less COLOR (stanza full of facts) and more poetry. Right now it seems more like an instruction manual than a poem, which makes it kind of strange. I like the first nine lines, mind you, and I think you can develop them further. It's just, the rest of the poem is really boring.