The Assassin's Redemption- Redrafted

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This is the first part of chapter one of my novel. I decided to do a redraft. Tell me what you think.

Spoiler
The Assassin’s Redemption
Chapter 1

Dracon rocked back on his heels as he caught the force of the attack with his blade. He glanced up, quickly scanning the scene. Five men surrounded him, swords brandished, his long knife locked within one of them. Taking a deep breath, he focused his thoughts, sending himself into the battle mode he trained so hard to achieve. Time slowed and his mind began racing, registering everything from the chinks in the men’s armors to the sweat beading down their faces. Compared to him, they looked like shiny metal giants. His midnight black hair slightly blocked the view of his eyes, which gazed intently at the soldiers, studying them for their next strike. He wore the traditional Assassin’s wear; black cloth, light and silent. Silence and stealth were the foundation of an assassin.
Dracon brought his boot down hard just above his opponent’s kneecap. The man’s leg buckled and he went crashing to the ground. Two others stepped forward to take his place, and Dracon rushed to meet them. He caught a descending sword with his knife, then spun, striking one of the men in the temple with his fist and knocking him unconscious. As the man fell to the ground, Dracon turned his attention to the next one, whose great battle axe swung dangerously towards the Assassin’s head.
He dispatched the last man with ease, and, seconds later, Dracon stood alone in the sparring circle. His attackers lay on the ground, two unconscious, one grasping his knee in pain, and the others trying unsuccessfully to get to their feet. Yet, he had hardly broken a sweat and was uninjured. Black pants rolled down his long legs, and an obsidian-colored tunic covered his chest. A hood hung unused on his back. His black leather boots were dusty from the training ground. It seemed pointless to wear black while the sun shone so high in the sky, but Assassins did. They hardly ever did any of their work during the day, and the clothes they wore could just as easily get them killed as keep them from being detected, so they trained in the clothing they would kill in.
Soldiers, he thought. They can never hold their own in a fight. Nonetheless, he would do the honorable thing. He stuck out his hand, helping one of the men to his feet. The soldier stood there for a moment looking at Dracon with a fearful gaze; then, testing his leg, he limped away.
His old master, the High Assassin Ramar, stood on the outskirts of the circle, a grin plastered on his wrinkled, ancient face. Clapping his hands together in a slow applause, the man walked forward to meet him.
“Well done, Master Renoir. Well done.”
“Thank you, master,” he replied, bowing. Ramar had been his master since he was ten, teaching him the ways of the Assassins. Seeing as he was the High Assassin, the Leader of the Order and protector of King Jairon, becoming his apprentice was an honor.
“Stop calling me master. You past outa my care eight years ago. You’re my First Lieutenant now, not my apprentice. Start acting like it.” Ramar slipped back into his native tongue. He could be formal when he wanted, but preferred to speak the way he’d grown up speaking.
“Yes, Ramar.” Ramar had been telling Dracon to not call him master for five years now, but he still did. Funny, he thought to himself, there was a time when he would have gotten a beating for calling his master by his first name. Now calling him Ramar just sounded unnatural.
As they spoke, the men passed out of the circle and through the crowd of boys that had formed to watch the fight. The training area was large, two hundred yards in length and width. It consisted of straw dummies, stuffed to the brink, and wooden red targets. The ground was a mixture of sand and gravel, worn down from all the feet that had trampled on it. Soldiers, squires, assassin’s apprentices, and Hopefuls fought hard around them, some hacking away at dummies and others sparring each other with wooden swords. Until they received rank, knighthood, or complete admittance to the Order, the boys weren’t allowed to use sharpened weapons. They were not even allowed metal weapons until they were deemed ready.
While Ramar and he walked, Dracon heard hard grunts and cries coming from his left and saw Katric, Ramar’s Second Lieutenant and Dracon’s rival, trying to impart some knowledge to a Hopeful through a beating.
Hopefuls were boys who wished to become apprentices but had yet to be accepted. It was different than becoming a page, because anyone could join, not just nobles. Their makeup though would beg to differ. There were only a few Hopefuls that didn’t have noble blood.
The boy tried unsuccessfully to defend himself.
“Knife up, boy! Keep your knife up!” Katric yelled. He brought his blade down with an overhead strike. The boy tried to block, only to have it knocked aside. A cut appeared just below his cheek, oozing dark red blood. Katric, wild and looking as if he was enjoying himself, did not hesitate, stepping in and striking the child in the gut with the hilt of his blade. The boy dropped to the ground as the air gushed out of him. “Get up, boy. You’ll never get into the Order if you can’t even take a hit. Stand up!” The Hopeful glanced at the two men, swollen, bruised eyes pleading for help.
What’s he doing? Dracon thought. He’s gonna kill the boy! Rage built inside him at the sight of what Katric was doing. His rival had always been a bully, but this was way too extreme.
The Hopeful still sat holding his side, pain evident on his face. As apprentices, the boys learned to endure pain, even torture, but this boy wasn’t ready for that yet.
“I don’t know why they brought you to me. You’re hopeless. Toughen up. If you don’t I’ll teach you to act like a child.” Katric attacked again, bringing his blade down to slice the boy’s ear. Dracon ran forward, own knife in hand, intercepting the blow.
“Excuse me, Master Katric, but I believe that the boy has had enough,” Dracon said through gritted teeth. They stood locked in silent combat, blades forcing against one another, neither one seeming to gain the upper hand. “That’s not your call, Dracon. I’ll decide when the boy’s had enough. I’m teaching him!” The malice and disgust theyhad for each other could almost be tasted in the air.
A loud “Mrrph!” sounded from where Ramar stood, interrupting the fight between the Assassins. Katric, just now seeing the man, broke away from Dracon, face flushed from the exertion and embarrassment.
“Master Ramar. I was just giving this lad a few lessons in our art,” Katric said boastingly.
“We can see that. But I don’t think you’re going to get much more out of the boy today,” Dracon butted in from behind him.
Katric gave him a harsh glare.
“I agree,” Ramar said.
“Oh!” Katric said, as if he was just now seeing the boy’s fatigue. “Yes, you may go. Be back here tomorrow.”
The boy gave Dracon a grateful look, and crawled off towards the Healer’s Tower. At Dracon’s insistence, two more boys ran to help him. Ramar turned and walked off towards the Assassin’s Tower. Dracon gave Katric one last disapproving look and turned to follow him.
There had been bad blood between Dracon and Katric since apprenticeship. They were opposites, yet each deadly in their own way. Where Dracon was merciful and thought things through before he did them, Katric was rash and preferred to make a show of killing, drawing it out to be painful and bloody. He had never understood what had possessed Ramar to make Katric one of his Lieutenants.
They were on the edge of the training area when Ramar spoke again.
“The Duke of Caldrea’s son is being knighted by the King tonight. Jairon will be needing protection. I want you and Katric there.”
“Very well, Ma… Ramar,” Dracon said, trying to hide his disdain. The parties were dull and full of rich, obnoxious people. Ramar stuck his nose in the air and sniffed.
“Go wash up. I don’t want you showing up to a party lookin’ like that.”
Dracon ran off, and Ramar watched him go, smiling and shaking his head.
***
Last edited by KanenRenoir on Fri Mar 12, 2010 10:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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The title intrigued me, I love it! This definitely has an assassin's creed vibe to it but without the arrogant al-tair. I'm liking Dracon, he's the typically obedient young assassin dedicated to what he does. I'm loving his name too, dracon, it's sounds really cool. :D
The bad things are that you really have to go back and edit this, there are too many spelling mistakes and too many missing words - I'm surprised by the amount of them because you seem to be a really good writer, but don't worry, everyone makes mistakes. Another positive is that your writing is really good, it matches the era of your story and you describe a believable atmosphere for your readers to escape into.
All in all I really enjoyed reading this, I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. I'm looking forward to the coming chapters, I'm sure this is going to be good.
Best of luck!
*coco
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Not bad at all. The opening works well, leading a natural flow into the slower events of the rest of the peice. As fight scenes go, it's fluid and easy to understand, making it perfect to hold attention just enough to begin the expansion of the world around it. Can't wait to see more of this.
Thank you for sitting through the inane blather above.




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Yeah, I had forgotten to mention that I'd just finished typing the part when I posted it, so there was bound to be a ton of errors. Thanks for reading it.
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Hey there Kanen! WD here, as requested! I'm glad I got around to reading this--you have some interesting ideas here and a lot of promise in this character. It sounds like you're making progress in this novel, so good job on that! So, you have some great ideas in here, but there are a few things I think we can address to make this a whole lot more powerful. So, first, I'm going to go through and just point out a few things and then I'm going to summarize, kay? :wink:

Dracon rocked back on his heels ash (as) he caught the blunt of the attack with his blade. He glanced up, quickly scanning the scene. Five men surrounded him, swords brandished, his long knife locked with one of them. As always when he fought, time slowed to a crawl, and his mind began racing, registering everything from the caches in the men’s armors to the sweat beating down their faces. This ability was what made so good in a fight.

Jolting himself back to reality, Dracon brought his boot down hard just above his opponent’s kneecap. The man’s leg buckled and he went crashing to the ground. Two other stepped forward to take his place, and Dracon rushed to meet them. Catching a descending sword with his knife, Dracon spun, striking one of the men in the temple with his fist and knocking him unconscious. As the man fell to the ground, Dracon turned his attention to the next one. (strange transition sentence)

Seconds later, Dracon stood alone in the sparring circle. His attackers lay on the ground, two unconscious, one grasping his knee in pain, and the others trying unsuccessfully to get to their feet. His old master, the High Assassin Ramar, stood on the outskirts of the circle, a grin plastered (word choice?) on his wrinkled, aged face. Clasping his hands together in a slow applause, the man walked forward to meet him.


Okay. This is your beginning. Your first impression on the reader and the moment when you have the chance to seize your reader and drag him or her into the character you're introducing. This is your chance to hook your reader hard. It's not bad by any means. The writing is pretty clean, but right now Dracon seems extremely distant to me. You describe everything he does matter-of-factly. I see him moving; I get a clear image of what he is doing, but I have little idea who he is, the specific gestures that characterize him etc.

Now, I know he's an assassin. Maybe you want him to be mysterious, cold, maybe not. I've written for assassins before, and the most important thing I've learned when writing for closed characters is that a vague, cold, obedient, maybe unnatural reaction speaks ten times louder than prose without emotion. Here, I feel like you're trying to make him too mechanical. Right now it seems like you're trying to make him mysterious, but this beginning just seems character-dry to me. Characters become mysterious because of unnatural reactions and mixed messages. Even if you're just trying to portray him as obedient, we need more. So, how to improve this?

First, the part where he's battling them. As I said, your description is clean. Almost too clean. Try to make the prose frame your character. If he's thinking in short, matter-of-fact thoughts, clip the sentences to mirror his thought process. His mind is racing. Show us that! Fast prose and powerful word choice; don't be afraid to infuse some powerful body language and some characteristic verbs in there too. Right now I just feel like this could be anyone fighting--there isn't a strong signature to it that shouts "Dracon!" yet. Basically, your beginning is clean. You have the essentials down; now it's time to do some character-digging and make it suck the reader in hard. :wink: Remember--this is your first impression, so make it powerful.

As the spoke, the men passed out of the circle and through the crowd of boys that had formed to watch the fight. The training area was large, two hundred yards in length and width. It consisted of straw dummies and wooden targets. Soldiers, squires, and assassin apprentices fought hard around them, some hacking away at dummies and others sparring each other with wooden swords. Until they received rank, knighthood, or completely admitted to the Order, the boys were not allowed to use sharpened weapons. They weren’t even allowed metal weapons till they were deemed ready.


Just wanted ot point that it should be "rank, knighthood or complete admittance to the Order". Noun form of the verb 'admit', yah?

“Master Ramar. Master Dracon. I was just giving this lad a few lessons in our art,” Lu’nac said boastingly.


Lu'nac is interesting. Personally, I'd like to see more of his dialogue with the boy, just to flesh out this beginning situation more. Also, 'boastlingly' is an awkward adverb.

Dracon had never liked Lu’nac. They’d been enemies since apprenticeship, with Dracon always having an upper hand on the man. They were opposites, each deadly in their own way. Where Dracon was merciful and thought things through before he did them, Lu’nac was rash and preferred to make a show of killing, making it slow, painful, and bloody, drawing it out. He had never understood what had possessed Ramar to make Lu’nac one of his Lieutenants, but he had.


No! Don't tell us! Not without showing us first! The dynamic between Lu'nac and Dracon is vague right now; if they're rivals, I would expect a more emotionally charged atmosphere, exchanges of looks between them, some visceral or physical reaction from Dracon upon seeing him. The dynamics are absent right now, so, when you edit this, focus on making Dracon really FEEL this way towards Lu'nac, and let the reader see it, or at least give the reader hints aside from telling us. I don't mind if you tell us a little bit about this, but it falls flat without you showing me!

So, that's all I'm going to pick out. I think these portions illustrate the issues I had with this piece. This could use another proofread--there were a few typos, but I won't bother you about those. Your writing, syntax and grammar are clean--you have a nice prose, overall; it just needs some proofreading. So, to summarize:

The main issue I had with this story is character. Your writing is clean, as I have said. You have a pretty good start, your pacing is on the right track, you've established your setting not exhaustively, but enough to satisfy the reader for now. But right now the writing is just describing things to me, and I'm not sensing the touch of your characters. Knowing that you've written so much of this, I assume you know them well, because stories with characters who aren't developed tend to peter off rather quickly. You just need to let them through. Let Dracon's emotions and thoughts guide the prose. The prose frames him and that's what makes prose powerful. He can be mysterious, cold, even a wimp without you sacrificing your hook to the reader. So give us body language, feed us emotion, give us glimpses of him even if he seems unnatural and closed off, it's better than nothing.

You have a good start here! This is really a nice beginning; your writing is refreshingly clean and you seem to have a nice style going here. I'm impressed by that, and I am excited to read more of your work as you grow as a writer! But now that you've got the essentials down, it's time to dig deep and experiment, break out and let your characters start taking hold and twisting the prose. Maybe I'm sound a little strange, but try it! :wink: Great job here and keep writing! I anticipate to see more of your writing here. Please PM me if you have any questions!
~ WD
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Last edited by KanenRenoir on Fri Mar 12, 2010 10:03 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Hay Kan, it's Aushy here. :}

First, let's get on to the nitpicks, then I'll give you your overall. ^.^

Nitpicks
Soldiers, he thought. They can never hold their own in a fight.

This should be italicized, so it would be: Soliders, he thought. They can never hold their own in a fight. All thoughts are always italicized so you can tell the difference between them and regular words.

What’s he doing? Dracon thought to himself. He’s gonna kill the boy.

Italicized again. ;P

“Look, the boy’s crying. I don’t know why they brought you to me. You’re hopeless. Toughen up. But no matter. I’ll teach you to act like a child. If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about.”

The bolded words in here confused me. Apparently it does matter, because he was just beating the child up. Either take that sentence out or reword it. You're the author, of course, and you know what you meant, but it simply confused me. Perhaps something like: "Toughen up, or I'll teach you to act like a child." But that sort of confused me too. He is a child, obviously. If I were you, I would reword it to simply: "Toughen up, or I'll give you something to cry about." But it's your book, and of course, write it the way you want it.

“Excuse me, Master Lu’nac, but I believe that the boy has had enough” Dracon said through gritted teeth.

"...but I believe the boy has had enough," Dracon said through gritted teeth.
Forgot the comma there. ^.^

Overall
Very good. I was impressed. We don't really know that much about the story yet, so we don't really know what's going on, who the characters are, or anything. But your description was very good. You pulled me into the story quickly, and when I was done reading it, it took me a few moments to get out of it. Meaning it's very good. ^.^

Only thing to work on? It was fast. Remember to slow down, take your time describing your surroundings. Describe the people as well. I didn't feel like you were rushing, it was just that we jumped from one thing to the next without a brake to slow us down. Doing something as simple as describing whether it's a cloudy or sunny day can make the story flow and go together better.

All in all, that was great. Keep writing, and remember to PM me or come into my tropical hut if you ever want a review again. See ya! :}

Love & Blessings,
Aushy
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Hey there! Here I am, as promised.My corrections/comments are in reddish pink, and an asterisk means I took something out.


The Assassin’s Redemption
Chapter 1
Dracon rocked back on his heels as he caught the blunt of the attack with his blade. He glanced up, quickly scanning the scene. Five men surrounded him, swords brandished, his long knife locked with one of them. Taking a deep breath, he focused. As always when he fought, time slowed to a crawl, and his mind began racing, registering everything from the chinks in the men’s armors to the sweat beading down their faces. Compared to him, they looked like shiny metal giants. His midnight black hair hung slightly over his jade eyes and wore the traditional Assassin’s ware, black cloth, light and silent. Silence and stealth were the foundation of his job description.
Jolting himself back to reality, Dracon brought his boot down hard just above his opponent’s kneecap. The man’s leg buckled and he went crashing to the ground. Two others stepped forward to take his place, and Dracon rushed to meet them. Catching a descending sword with his knife, Dracon spun, striking one of the men in the temple with his fist and knocking him unconscious. As the man fell to the ground, Dracon turned his attention to the next one.
Seconds later, Dracon stood alone in the sparring circle. His attackers lay on the ground; two unconscious, one grasping his knee in pain, and the others trying unsuccessfully to get to their feet. Yet he had hardly broken a sweat. He was uninjured and his clothes were all in one piece. Soldiers, he thought. They can never hold their own in a fight. He stuck out his hand, pulling one of the men to his feet. The soldier stood there for a moment testing his leg before limping off.
His old master, the High Assassin Ramar, stood on the outskirts of the circle, a grin plastered on his wrinkled, aged face. Clasping his hands together in a slow applause, the man walked forward to meet him.
“Well done, Master Renoir (When boys turned 18, they became 'Mister', 'Master' was for younger boys. How old is Dracon?). Well done,” the old man said, still smiling.
“Thank you, master,” he replied, bowing. Ramar had been his master since he was ten, teaching him the ways of the Assassins. Seeing as he was the High Assassin, the Leader of the Order and protector of King Jairon, it was an honor. But the man was more than just a master; he was like a father to him.
“Stop calling me master. You past outta (outta? did you mean 'out of'? Or is he supposed to talk like that?) my care eight years ago. You’re my First Lieutenant now, not my apprentice. Start acting like it.”
“Yes Ramar.” Funny, he thought to himself, there was a time when he would have gotten a beating for calling his master by his first name. Now it just sounded unnatural.
As they spoke, the men passed out of the circle and through the crowd of boys that had formed to watch the fight. The training area was large, two hundred yards in length and width. It consisted of straw dummies and wooden targets. The ground was a mixture of sand and gravel, worn down from all the feet that had fought on it. Soldiers, squires, and assassin apprentices fought hard around them, some hacking away at dummies and others sparring against each other with wooden swords. Until they received rank, knighthood, or complete admittance to the Order, the boys weren’t allowed to use sharpened weapons. They were not even allowed metal weapons untill they were deemed ready.
While Ramar and he walked, Dracon heard hard grunts and cries coming from off to the left. Looking, he saw Lu’nac, Ramar’s Second Lieutenant- and Dracon’s rival, trying to impart some knowledge to an apprentice through a beating. The boy tried feebly to defend himself, but to no avail.
“Knife up, boy! Keep your knife up!” Lu’nac yelled. He brought his blade down with an overhead strike. The boy tried to block, only to have it knocked aside. A cut appear just below his cheek, oozing dark red blood. Lu’nac did not hesitate, stepping in and striking the child in the gut with the hilt of his blade. The boy dropped to the ground as the air gushed out of him. “Get up boy. You’ll never get into the Order if you can’t even take a hit. Stand up!” The apprentice glanced at the two men through swollen, purple eyes.
What’s he doing? Dracon thought to himself. He’s gonna (Again, this is slang. I doubt you want to use slang in medieval times. I'd change this to 'going to') kill the boy. The apprentice still sat holding his side, silent tears streaming down his face. The boy did his best to hide them but Lu’nac saw.
“Look, the boy’s crying. I don’t know why they brought you to me. You’re hopeless. Toughen up. * If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about.” Lu’nac attacked again, bringing his blade down to slice the boy’s ear. Dracon ran forward, own knife in hand, intercepting the blade.
“Excuse me, Master Lu’nac, but I believe that the boy has had enough,” Dracon said through gritted teeth. They stood locked in silent combat, blades forcing against one another, neither one seeming to gain the upper hand. Hatred burned in their eyes.
“That’s not your call, Dracon. I’ll decide when the boy’s had enough. He’s my apprentice!” The malice and disgust the two men had for each other was so thick you could almost taste it in the air. A loud “Mrrph!” sounded from where Ramar stood. Lu’nac, just now seeing the man, broke away from Dracon, face flushed from the exertion and embarrassment.
“Master Ramar. I was just giving this lad a few lessons in our art,” Lu’nac said boastingly.
“We can see that. But I don’t think you’re going to get much more out of the boy today,” Dracon retorted from behind him. Lu’nac gave him a harsh look.
“I agree,” Ramar said.
“Oh!” Lu’nac said, as if he was just now seeing the boy’s fatigue. “Yes, you may go. Be back here tomorrow.” The boy, giving Dracon a grateful look, crawled off towards the Healer’s Tower. At the insistence of Dracon, two more boys ran off to help him. Ramar turned and walked off towards the Assassin’s Tower. Dracon gave Lu’nac one last disapproving look and turned to follow him.
There had been bad blood between Dracon and Lu’nac since apprenticeship. They were opposites, each deadly in their own way. Where Dracon was merciful and thought things through before he did them, Lu’nac was rash and preferred to make a show of killing, making it slow, painful, and bloody, drawing it out. He had never understood what had possessed Ramar to make Lu’nac one of his Lieutenants, but he had.
They were on the edge of the training area when Ramar spoke again.
“The Duke of Caldrae’s son is being knighted by the King tonight. Jairon will be needing protection. I want you and Lu’nac there.”
“Very well Ma… Ramar,” Dracon said, trying to hide his disdain. The parties were boring and full of rich, obnoxious people. Ramar stuck his nose in the air and sniffed.
“Go wash up. I don’t want you showing up to a party smelling like that.” Dracon ran off, and Ramar watched him go, smiling and shaking his head.
***



Yup. Nice job overall, this is an interesting piece.

--Dreamy :smt026
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Hey,
I really enjoyed this! It is described really well, but, like Aushy said, I think you need to describe some of the surroundings. Trying to incorporate it without slowing down the pace will be tough, but maybe just a couple of short, sharp sentences here and there. Everyone else has already picked out the nitpicky bits, so I haven't really got much to say on that front. I thought it was all very natural, but quite a lot happens for a first chapter. I am not saying you should add things that will slow it down, but maybe spread things out a bit, give things more time. e.g. the end of the first chapter would be at the end of the fight with the soldiers. He says he thinks quickly, but time slows in fights - maybe try to show this with lots of description of the movements, but quick, short sentences for his thoughts. Ideally every chapter should end on a cliffhanger.
I loved the description of the assassin's clothes - although some of your remarks do sound a bit too modern, such as:
Silence and stealth were the foundation of his job description.

Did they have job descriptions in those days?
It is a bit confusing, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that things will work themselves out. :D
Apart from all those little things, very good!
I am intrigued.
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Hi Kanen,

Today's review is courtesy of the Biblical story of David and Goliath, in which the boy David kills a terrifying giant armed with only a sling. It's an archetypal example of how to build reader sympathy.

It focuses on the conflict between two great forces, the Israelites and the Philistines, personified in the combat between the Israelite David and the Philistine Goliath. The antagonist is vastly more powerful than the protagonist. David is young and inexperienced: Goliath is huge, powerful, terrifying. We're afraid on David's behalf, because it seems impossible that David could ever win. This also taps into our basic sense of fairness - Goliath is basically a bully who wants to beat on the weaker David. And the stakes are high. Somebody has to die. As readers, we fear that it's going to be David, and we're on the edge of our seat to find out if and how David wins.

Here's the problem: Your protagonist is not David but Goliath.

In the opening scene, you present Dracon not simply as a good warrior, but astoundingly, unbelievably brilliant in combat, someone who can easily defeat five men without taking even a scratch - without even ripping his sleeve. Dracon is so powerful, it's staggering. I can't imagine what antagonist could ever threaten him. He can just breeze through every conflict beating everyone without breaking a sweat.

(Dracon is also secure in the confidence and affection of his mentor, a powerful man, and he holds the rank of First Lieutenant, which I gather from context is a prestigious position. So Dracon has many types of power - military, social, emotional.)

Because he's so powerful, Dracon is disqualified from ever being David - the plucky underdog the reader roots for to win out against impossible odds. Instead he's Goliath - the bad guy. This is death for reader sympathy. Nobody wants to read about the strong grinding the weak into the dirt: real life is already full of that.

My number one suggestion is to dial your protagonist's power back a major notch. Accept that the truly heroic protagonist is not as powerful as his opponent, and that's what gives him the opportunity to be a hero.

I'm also feeling concerned about Lu'nac. Your protagonist has a rival who is (a) clearly a moron and (b) obviously evil. A rival who is both evil and stupid is no real rival. He's just a one-dimensional caricature, a walking cardboard cut-out. I ranted about stock bully characters recently, because I hate the use of cardboard bad guys to make the protagonist look good. I hope Ramar truly does have a good reason to make Lu'nac another Lieutenant, because at the moment this looks like an extremely poor decision which makes me not respect Ramar as a character.

Happily, this problem is another easy fix: Just make Lu'nac a more rounded character with plenty of legitimate reasons to rival the protagonist. Make him a man a smart mentor really would choose as a Lieutenant. Not everyone who dislikes the protagonist has to be evil and stupid - the protagonist has (or should have) plenty of flaws and negative qualities.

Hope this helps, Kanen.

Cheers,
Karsten




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Hey Kanen! I have read your edited version. You are doing much better on the prose framing--you're on the right track. Your edited version is a marvelous improvement from the first draft! What I addressed in my previous critique is largely a big-picture writing thing and it's not going to solve itself overnight. The best way to improve in these areas is to keep writing, with that in the back of your head, practice it. Editing is great and all, but the best way to improve your writing is to write. So, this edit is better, but keep practicing. :wink:

Now that I'm gathering more of your character from the prose (see! Now I'm beginning to get to know them!), I'd like to see you start focusing on the fundamental flaws of his personality. So, I want you to ask yourself something. Why do you want to write for Dracon? What about him pulls you in and piques your interest? This is a question I have to ask about all my characters before I write. If you want to write for Dracon because of his strengths (because he's strong, awesome, brilliant etc.), it's time to get to know him better and develop some more flaws, because strength is cool and all but it's not what's going to suck your reader in. If you want to write about him because of one of his flaws or quirks, focus on that and bring it out, try to infuse some of that flawed personality into the prose. Good characters have engaging flaws, and, once you have engaging flaws, the reader will be able to sympathize with the character. While you're at it, ask this question for Lu'nac--twill help with you rounding him out.

You're doing well! This edited version is ten times better; you're already improving wonderfully. You have a lot of talent and you should be proud of yourself, getting the chance to delve into some of these big-picture things. Nice job! Just keep these things in mind as you write, kay? I can't wait to see more of your work around here!
~ WD
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"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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Hi! Pink here as requested.
Sorry I got here late, but I'm here so that counts right?
Alright so I read the first version and then read the edited version and I have to say, your edited version was much better. I was pleased to see how much easier it was to read the second part than the first part.
Now, most of the nitpicks have already been picked so I'm not going to go over your grammar or anything. I'll just say a few things about your overall piece here. I think the characters right now are a bit 2-D. I don't really know much about them but again, it's just the first chapter and I'm sure you'll add more depth to them later on. There was just one thing I want to point out about Lu'nac is his 'bad guy' character. I feel as if he's really video-gamish and cliche. Maybe if I knew more about him then I'd change my thought but as of now, that's just the first impression I get. (that's just me though)
But overall, I like the idea so far. The whole knight thing is intriguing and I have a hunch that the plot line is also going to be intriguing. Keep it up!

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hi Kanen. I read through the first one to review when I realized that you rewrote this. I figured it would be a bit more helpful if I reviewed this one, no? ;)

This was definitely much better then original. As another reviewer said, you seem to be on the right track with this. However, you should still proofread your piece before you post it. I caught a number of typos. Most of them were already said, but in the first sentence, I think, "ash" is supposed to be "as".

One thing I don't like is the way you portray the relationship of Lu'nac and Dracon. You just say that hate each other without giving them real reason to. Now, forgive me for making judgments, for right now Lu'nac comes across as the stereotypical bully/snob you find in a lot of stories, especially having to deal with school. So give your characters reasons to hate each other, and subtly hint at them throughout the story.

Otherwise, really good job, you're definitely on the right track with this! PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Let me point out that Lu'nac is not the bad guy. He's yet to be introduced. And this is only part of the first chapter. Thank you all for your advice. It's really helped a ton. :D
Men's reach should exceed the stars... else, what's a heaven for?




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Hey there! Sorry this is a little late.

A lot of people have pointed out some great points here, so I'll just give you a quick review.
Firstly, I like the edited one a lot better, so good job!
However, one thing I noticed throughout the scene was your characters. Firstly, Dracon. I see that you're trying to create a good MC here, but it's a little off. Karsten pointed out some great things about him, so listen to her. :) One thing I will add is that you say that Dracon is sympathetic, yet right at the start he shows no remorse for the soldiers he hurts and even seems to despise them a little.
Secondly, Lu'nac is a bit of an oddity here. I thought he was a pretty obvious bad character, yet you say that he's actually good? Well, I suppose that'll all be clearer later! :)

But, yeah, I think you have this chapter covered.

~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


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When one is highly alert to language, then nearly everything begs to be a poem.
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