The Assassin's Redemption- Redrafted

I thank you all for your comments. One thing to point out though is I know just how amazing Dracon is. He is Goliath. But what makes up most of my story will be his crippling. He will fall from power. And then, to save himself, he will seek redemption, hence the title. I hope to post more soon. Also, I changed Lu'nac's name to Katric. And yes, he is a bad person, but really he's just a supporting character. We probably won't see that much of him. But, yeah, I think he needs to be more round. Have him feel that being tough on the boy is good for him. And I think I portrayed the boy a little too weak. I'm going to go back and change it. Thank you all for your amazing feedback.

Ok, i really liked this... it's really gripping and i enjoyed how you wrote. It reminds me of 'The way of shadows' but i guess a lot of assassin stories are similar.

Dracon rocked back on his heels ash

You meant 'Dracon rocked back on his heels as'? i don't know though ha ha it might be a strange word. very good though.

-iCarlyfan

Hi Kanen,

I'm sorry this is so late, but it's the first chance I've got.

The problem that is most visible in this piece is the fact that your characters are far too flat. Your hero is way too powerful for his own good,which immediately puts you in a tough situation as far as your story goes. You have lost a great deal of sympathy for him and turn him into a deity with whom the common human can certainly not communicate.

Lu'nac on the other hand is not even a real rival to your character. The figure of Ramar is, although distinct enough, too pampering and respectful of his student to make him believable if you want him to be perceived as a good master. You don't want to show a wise master fostering a condescending arrogance in his student.

You need to rework your characters to allow the reader to connect with them. Make each more potently human. Show each one's faults and ensure that you blur the lines between good and bad, ultimately showing each character to be real. You need to work out the role of each character and give them only the traits that are necessary to fulfill that role.

Putting that aside, your writing itself is quite clean. Your prose is easy enough to read and you have quite a good rhythm to your work. Varied sentence length and other such techniques make your story flow well. I like this. The one thing that I would advise though is an attempt to make your writing more invisible. You look like you're trying just a little too hard to make it work. Use the first words that come to your head and try to ensure that people focus more completely on your story.

Your dialogue works very well, but it's being dragged down by dialogue tags that are too compounded. Try keeping your reader's attention on your dialogue by merely using the simplest words such as "said" or "asked".

The one other criticism that I wanted to make is that at this stage, I have no desire to read further. Start off by building a plot almost immediately. You need to get us to ask the questions that will keep us reading to find the answers. Start building the picture to your plot as fast as you possibly can. We need to know what we're reading towards or talented a writer as you are, you won't be able to keep our attention.

You're a writer with awesome potential. Your prose is crisp and you have a feel for the language. I hope that my review's helped.

Have a great one!

Hello! I'm here as requested.

Like Amy said before me, it looks like you've got this chapter pretty well- reviewed XD

I'd like to say that for some reason, the beginning didn't draw me in that well. I don't mean to be rude or for you to take this personally, I'm just saying that I kept getting off-topic and distracted, which is unusual for me when I'm reading. Maybe you could make the beginning a little more action-packed. I think I found it starting to lag when you're character got off-topic. You began with an action sentence, and then immediately went to Dracon zoning out and thinking about other things.

But, don't take this directly to heart. It's good to get a bunch of different opinions on your story. Is that not the reason all these others have reviewed your story?

Well, that's pretty much all I have for you. I apologize for my review. It's definitely not up to my standards (my review, not your story). It's only because so many others have said everything I noticed that could use some work and editing.

But yes, I did enjoy this story and look forward to reading the other parts of it soon

~Peanut

you are VERY talented my friend! I cannot wait to see how this whole story pans out.

Hello there, here as requested a while ago. I was having trouble finding the message you sent me to review your work. I was like who was that guy again?

I will be highlighting issues that I have found in blue.

In addition, I will be adding things in red. It may be something that you missed, such as commas or words.

I shall put my comments and suggestions in bold font.

On top of all that, I will add smilies to lighten the mod up. Unlike some reviewers who specialize in making users feel miserable, sometimes having them leave YWS forever, I choose to be as kind, yet criticizing as possible.

Chapter 1
Dracon rocked back on his heels as he caught the blunt of the attack with his blade. I really don't like the use of that word here. Blunt is mostly used as a descriptive word of a blade. Maybe caught the 'impact' 'force' etc... of the attack with his blade. He glanced up, quickly scanning the scene. Five men surrounded him, swords brandished, his long knife locked with one of them. Taking a deep breath, he focused. As always when he fought, time slowed to a crawl, and his mind began racing, registering everything from the chinks in the men’s armors to the sweat beading down their faces. Compared to him, they looked like shiny metal giants. His midnight black hair hung slightly over his jade eyes and he wore the traditional Assassin’s ware, black cloth, light and silent. You were missing a word there. Silence and stealth were the foundation of his job description.

I take it you have played the Assassins Creed games? That was a nice opening. Congratulations you have hooked me. Let's just hope you keep the momentum going in the following sentences.

Jolting himself back to reality, Dracon brought his boot down hard just above his opponent’s kneecap. The man’s leg buckled and he went crashing to the ground. Two other stepped forward to take his place, and Dracon rushed to meet them. Catching a descending sword with his knife, Dracon spun, striking one of the men in the temple with his fist and knocking him unconscious. As the man fell to the ground, Dracon turned his attention to the next one.

You still haven't lost me. I tell you Dracon reminds me so much of Altair. I didn't catch any problems in that sentence, mostly because you kept watching the action unfold.

Seconds later, Dracon stood alone in the sparring circle. That was a very abrupt closing, but I understand what you are saying. Still, you might want to add an extra transition sentence to balance things out. Try replacing that sentence with something like: "He dispatched of the last men with ease, and seconds later, Dracon stood alone in the sparring circle." His attackers lay on the ground; two unconscious, one grasping his knee in pain, and the others trying unsuccessfully to get to their feet. Yet, he had hardly broken a sweat. He was uninjured and his clothes were all in one piece. Adding a comma for pause would be appropriate. Soldiers, he thought. They can never hold their own in a fight. He stuck out his hand, pulling one of the men to his feet. The soldier stood there for a moment testing his leg before limping off.

Again, wow.

His old master, the High Assassin Ramar, stood on the outskirts of the circle, a grin plastered on his wrinkled, aged face. That doesn't sound powerful enough try, "ancient" or "prehistoric". I would go with ancient, because while "prehistoric" sounds cool, it conveys an image of dinosaurs, for me at least. But you are the writer so you can make whatever choice you choose. Clasping his hands together in a slow applause, the man walked forward to meet him.

“Well done, Master Renoir. Well done,” the old man said, still smiling.

I could picture that easily. Good job, you made me like the old man even though I know nothing about him.

“Thank you, master,” he replied, bowing. Ramar had been his master since he was ten, teaching him the ways of the Assassins. Seeing as he was the High Assassin, the Leader of the Order and protector of King Jairon, it was an honor. But the man was more than just a master; he was like a father to him.

I didn't catch any problems here.

“Stop calling me master. You past outa my care eight years ago. You’re my First Lieutenant now, not my apprentice. Start acting like it.”

Hm, that made me care less for the old man. Those first words sounded kind of whiny. It makes him sound less authoritative. Maybe try words like, "There's no need to call-" or "Don't call" I'd go with the former, seeing as the latter sounds like your original, except reworded.

“Yes Ramar.” Funny, he thought to himself, there was a time when he would have gotten a beating for calling his master by his first name. Now it just sounded unnatural.

Did you mean "natural"?

As they spoke, the men passed out of the circle and through the crowd of boys that had formed to watch the fight. The training area was large, two hundred yards in length and width. It consisted of straw dummies and wooden targets. The ground was a mixture of sand and gravel, worn down from all the feet that had fought on it. That word almost makes it sound like the feet were doing the fighting? It's a funny description, but it doesn't suit the tone you are conveying in this very enjoyable story. Try using "trampled" instead. In fact read it with it: "The ground was a mixture of sand and gravel, worn down from all the feet that had trampled on it." Soldiers, squires, and assassin apprentices fought hard around them, some hacking away at dummies and others sparring each other with wooden swords. Until they received rank, knighthood, or complete admittance to the Order, the boys weren’t allowed to use sharpened weapons. They were not even allowed metal weapons till they were deemed ready.

Thus far, you have yet to make me feel bored reading this.

While Ramar and he walked, Dracon heard hard grunts and cries coming from off to the left. Looking, he saw Lu’nac, Ramar’s Second Lieutenant, and Dracon’s rival, trying to impart some knowledge to an apprentice through a beating.

The boy tried feebly to defend himself, but to no avail. A comma would be nice to separate your describing of two different things.

“Knife up, boy! Keep your knife up!” Lu’nac yelled. He brought his blade down with an overhead strike. The boy tried to block, only to have it knocked aside. A cut appeared just below his cheek, oozing dark red blood. You forget the "ed". Lu’nac did not hesitate, stepping in and striking the child in the gut with the hilt of his blade.

The boy dropped to the ground as the air gushed out of him.

“Get up boy. You’ll never get into the Order if you can’t even take a hit. Stand up!” The apprentice glanced at the two men through swollen, purple eyes.

Different actions by different people are going on here, so everything would flow smoother if you kept them on separate lines.

What’s he doing? Dracon thought to himself. He’s gonna kill the boy. The apprentice still sat holding his side, silent tears streaming down his face. The boy did his best to hide them but Lu’nac saw.

Hm, this is a character moment, I can tell. I know that Dracon is calm even in the face of adversary, but that was only training, would he really think passively here? I mean, the boy might be killed before his very eyes! An exclamation mark might make the situation sound more urgent, along with making Dracon a more sympathetic character, caring for the life of the poor boy.

“Look, the boy’s crying. I don’t know why they brought you to me. You’re hopeless. Toughen up. If you don’t I’ll teach you to act like a child. If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about.” Lu’nac attacked again, bringing his blade down to slice the boy’s ear.

Dracon ran forward, own knife in hand, intercepting the blade.
“Excuse me, Master Lu’nac, but I believe that the boy has had enough,” Dracon said through gritted teeth. They stood locked in silent combat, blades forcing against one another, neither one seeming to gain the upper hand. Hatred burned in their eyes.

“That’s not your call, Dracon. I’ll decide when the boy’s had enough. He’s my apprentice!” The malice and disgust the two men had for each other was so thick you could almost taste it in the air.

It is very unwise to suddenly have second person in a story. Try "they" for the first words in blue, and "he" for the second".

A loud “Mrrph!” sounded from where Ramar stood. Lu’nac, just now seeing the man, broke away from Dracon, face flushed from the exertion and embarrassment.

“Master Ramar. I was just giving this lad a few lessons in our art,” Lu’nac said boastingly.

“We can see that. But I don’t think you’re going to get much more out of the boy today,” Dracon retorted from behind him.

Lu’nac gave him a harsh look.

“I agree,” Ramar said.

Separate actions from different characters, it prevents any confusion.

“Oh!” Lu’nac said, as if he was just now seeing the boy’s fatigue. “Yes, you may go. Be back here tomorrow.”

The boy, giving Dracon a grateful look, crawled off towards the Healer’s Tower. You have a present tense in a past tense paragraph, try replacing they blue with "gave". It makes everything flow silky smooth.

At the insistence of Dracon, two more boys ran off to help him.

Ramar turned and walked off towards the Assassin’s Tower.

Dracon gave Lu’nac on last disapproving look and turned to follow him.

There had been bad blood between Dracon and Lu’nac since apprenticeship. They were opposites, each deadly in their own way. Where Dracon was merciful and thought things through before he did them, Lu’nac was rash and preferred to make a show of killing, making it slow, painful, and bloody, drawing it out. He had never understood what had possessed Ramar to make Lu’nac one of his Lieutenants, but he had.

They were on the edge of the training area when Ramar spoke again.

“The Duke of Caldrae’s son is being knighted by the King tonight. Don't forget your "ed"s. Jairon will be needing protection. I want you and Lu’nac there.”

“Very well Ma… Ramar,” Dracon said, trying to hide his disdain. The parties were boring and fool of rich, obnoxious people. Ramar stuck his nose in the air and sniffed.

Dracon doesn't seem like the type to use such a generic word. It is quite dull here. Try something like, "lifeless" "dull" "meaningless" "reasonless" etc... I personally would use either "lifeless" or "meaningless".

“Go wash up. I don’t want you showing up to a party smellin like that.”

Dracon ran off, and Ramar watched him go, smiling and shaking his head.

Separated for you.
***
Closing Words:

What I liked:
I must say, I really enjoyed this piece. You started with a riveting opening, which kept me involved throughout. I liked how you characterized the characters through their actions. You have an eye for action. Not to mention, how much you made me want to go play replay Assassins Creed.

What I did not like:
Issues begin to appear around the ending of your rousing intro, becoming increasingly persistent. You put the cations and dialogue of different characters in the same paragraph, creating a jumble of descriptions that readers have to decipher. I disliked some of the descriptions. They are very few and I highlighted them for you, offering my suggestions on how to address them.

Over all:
As I've said before, this is an enjoyable work. Nothing apart from the inconsistencies that I mentioned are keeping this story from being anything but entertaining. I thank you for the entertaining read.

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