How could you?

Ok, here it is, my long awaited SECOND POEM! (ok, mesh and bubble wanted to see it at any rate)

I stare in wonder
I don't understand
How could you?
You don't even know
The pain you've caused
I must believe
You can't
Because you're not human

I lie wounded
Life's blood slowly slipping away
You held that knife
The one lodged in my heart
You laughed
And left me to die alone

I still don't understand
How you could just walk away
I don't hink I ever will
Except to think
You're not human.


Not the greatest poem in existence, I admitt. I'm not sure if that second section should be first or not... anyway, critiques gladly accepted.

not bad, i would just say change the phrase your not human to something else. leave one of them there, but repeating it twice doesn't wrok well, once or three + times is better.

I lie wounded
Life's blood slowly slipping away
You held that knife
The one lodged in my heart
You laughed
And left me to die alone

that's really powerful. best part, i think

I agree. I can definitely imagine it. *imagines a cross between Skye, Skye's father, and Saphirus, then shudders because that mixture of characters would easily do something like that*

I really like it. After reading the first few lines, I realized that I would be inclined to read it like she had been stabbed physically. But, I'd much rather believe it to be a metaphor. Like the knife was a very mental weapon. Nice job.

well... it's a work in prgress. I'll try put more of those lines in. It was a metaphor, I was talking about this guy I really really really really really really really really really really hate, and so forth. THANKS !

First off, you're right. This isn't the greatest poem in existence. Good for you for recognizing that! I hate it when people post works in progress and expect sunshine blown up you-know-where...but I digress.

On the whole, this piece feels very passive to me. I'm waiting for something to happen and nothing does.

Specifically:

I stare in wonder----> (Wonder is so...blah. Can you find a more interesting word?)
I don't understand
How could you?
You don't even know----> (Lose the 'even', it will strengthen the statement)
The pain you've caused---> (Nitpick: you have*.)
I must believe
You can't
Because you're not human----> (This all seems jumbled to me. Is there a better way to articulate this thought process?)

I lie wounded-----> (Too passive)
Life's blood slowly slipping away----> (While I like the sound of 'slowly slipping', 'Life's blood' is so cliche.)
You held that knife
The one lodged in my heart-----> (Seems out of place somehow. Also, it's not a very interesting image.)
You laughed
And left me to die alone

I still don't understand
How you could just walk away
I don't hink I ever will ---> (Nitpick: think*.)
Except to think
You're not human----> (So? It's not human? Then what is it? Satan? An imp? An incubus? A demon?)

As for the last line, I think the feel of it could be greatly improved if it wasn't so much an echo as an affirmation. What I mean is, instead of

You're not human

maybe try

You
are not
human

It changes the force of the phrase ever so slightly. Keep up the nice work!

this was very interesting

I liked the poem. Coolness!!!

hmmm.
It was interesting.
Very good word choice or placement i guess.
sorry im not more help.
And in the last stanza you said hink instead of Think.

It's was interesting but I think that it was little too figurative.

Maybe you can add a few more lines so that the people would know what really happened.

It was nice though!

~Casey Kent~

I loved this part:

I lie wounded
Life's blood slowly slipping away
You held that knife
The one lodged in my heart
You laughed
And left me to die alone


I thought the whole thing was beautiful. More real then the "I will always love you" thing.
It was great.

I lie wounded
Life's blood slowly slipping away
You held that knife
The one lodged in my heart
You laughed
And left me to die alone

That was beautiful!

Coolio! I don't even think I saw a single spelling mistake either!

I definately hope to see more work from you!

D7M

I just want to point out that this was written 3.5 years ago and Elelel really doesn't care anymore about this poem.

With that said: OMG, THIS POEM WAS GREAT! WRITE MORE!