Young Writers Society

Simba was looking more attractive than ever. His deep red with a hint of brown mane glistened and his eyes twinkled. But it was not a good day for him, his grandson, Kaleb, was missing. He was old, but not frail and he raced around the savannah in panic. Words from his father reapeated in his head, "Everything the light touches,". Simba remembered, as a young cub he had ventured past the boundaries, which was a mistake he would have to regret for the rest of his life.
Suddenly, Simba came across paw prints of what looked like a lion cub. He was well past where the "light touches" and into an area know as the Elephant Graveyard. He knew the area like the back of his paw, though. As a cub, he and his now mate, Nala had come here in search of an adventure, but came out of it in shock. They had almost been killed, it was such a treacherous place. And now, Kaleb being here, alone. It was even more dangerous.
He put his large nose to the ground, sniffing around the print. It was Kaleb. He let out a deep roar, a motion to the other lions searching to come at once. Haku and Kiara, Kalebs parents, came at once.
"What is it, Daddy? Did you find him?" Kiara asked as she greeted him.
"No, I'm sorry Kiara. But I did find his footprints." Simba replied.
"Hey, what's this?" Haku said suddenly. He was motioning to a small droplet of blood. "It smells like lion."

To be continued...

Okay then, this is quite a strange choice to make, in terms of fan fiction. Its okay but it need a little work.

His deep red with a hint of brown mane

This is wrong. It couldbe, "His deep red mane, streaked with brown, glistened in the light of the setting sun."--this describes the surroundings and the time as well as being a good description.

You should spend more time describing the surroundings, giving the reader a sense of distance travelled, especially since it seems as if Simba just suddenly appeared in the Elephant Graveyard. We hadn't even known that he was at the border. Its all too sudden.

Suddenly, Simba came across paw prints of what looked like a lion cub

He would know immediately if the paw prints were that of a lion. He would also know immediately if they were his grandson's prints. Having an excellent sense of smell, we assume he would be following a scent, so there would be no need to verify wether it was Kaleb's.

This seems rushed and is much too sudden. No sense of nervousness, or suspense is conveyed. You can do better.

~Jiggy

i think it coulda been a little 'cooler' as far as descrption and dialogue. pretty cool though. i like the idea of lions runing around 'hunting'.

It's good, but a little short. You could increase the sense of urgency or fear (depending on which one Simba has more of at the moment) by drawing out the search a little more. It seems like everything is happening too fast. Other than that, it's promising.

Haku and Kiara, Kalebs parents, came at once.

It's Kovu, unless there was a recent 'divorce?'

I can make one very strong suggestion. I can tell you straight away that following the two plots of the movies aren't going to me enough. More than likely, you'll have to research lions and understand their feeding habits, their sense of hearing, smell, behaviors etc. to make your fanfic believable. At least you should probably understand basic information about lions because as of now, it's starting to sound a little unrealistic already. Jiggy pointed out Simba's sense of smell and the paw print and that's one example.

Actually, some people that worked with Disney went to a zoo so the movie would be some what realistic. The artists went to a zoo also to properly sketch lions and other native animals of Africa. I remember watching an interview a long time ago. Edit- Now, I'm more focused. Disney seemed to have a basic concept of lions, not completly but somewhat. Notice in the Lion King 1 where Scar is seperated from Mufasa's pride? That's because in reality if two mature male lions would never co-exist in the same pride due to territory disputes. Also, notice in the two movies niether Simba, nor Mufasa hunt. It's the lioneness that are doing all the hunting, such as lions would act in Africa. Just pointing it out how far Disney went to secure a great movie and that it would be a good idea for you to also research

Mentioning that, would you like me to critique this? Also, lions are my favorite animal and I have a basic understanding of them, so if you have questions, you can PM me.

fishr wrote:It's Kovu, unless there was a recent 'divorce?'

That's what I was thinking, but I haven't seen the movie in a long time, so my memory is a little fuzzy.
Anyway, I agree... If you're going to try a fanfiction like this, you're going to need the level of detail that the animators had in the movie (which was what made it so great).

Ok so I like the idea of how Simba now has a grandson. However, I noticed a couple of thigns that the others have already pointed out. It was rather rushed. You have a good outline here you just need to fill it in with more detail. Did Simab feel nervous? Or was he flat out frightened for his grandson? Well how did he get to the elephant graveyard if he wasn't following Kaleb's scent? What happened to Kovu? Overall it is very good don't misunderstand me, it just needs some detailing and emotion. If you have any questions or wish to discuss anything at all with me feel free to PM me.
Maith adh,
Celtic

Hey Um

A lion king fanfiction, there's something I didn't expect.

In regard to the other reviews, I didn't think this as very rushed, although I do wish there was more of it. This piece is very small, and the scene is so short it seems like it's been cut off somewhere. If you were to make it longer i would definate interested in reading the rest, but as it stands this is hard to really get into because it's so short, soo there's not really much to critique either.

Let me know if you post more.

Hey um,

The other reviewers have addressed the issues behind the lack of realism in the way you've portrayed the lions, i.e. the sense of smell, the recognizing pawprints, etc. I also agree with the fact that it seems a little rushed, and I think some added background as to what happened between this story and the second movie would not go amiss. Even if you trying to start us in the middle of the action, which is all fine and nice, having just hints in the narrative as to what happened, how things came to be, would help get the reader more into the story by allowing him to slot it in the timeline.

This may be just a personal pet peeve, but I also think that this part:

As a cub, he and his now mate, Nala had come here in search of an adventure, but came out of it in shock.

is unnecessary. It might work if it was worded in such a way that it was Simba reminiscing about his misadventures, but as it is, it's the narrator of the story trying to pound it into our heads, and that's annoying. This is fanfiction--we're supposed to know the source material, and so we know what happened. No need to underline it.

Finally, while short chapters can be good, there are limits. This is way too short, and doesn't really give anything worth sinking one's teeth in. Consider making the next ones longer.

Umm I like it but it went way to fast for me and it could've been longer, in my opinion. Another thing is that caught my attention is that Kiara's mate is Kovu. Sorry but I tend to point those itty little things out :/. But I thought it was really good ! Keep on writing!

I am definatly interested in this piece. However, it's Kovu, unless you've changed it, and its short. I wish it was longer, because it's very interesting! Good Job!

I absolutly love the Lion King. It is a great movie and an interesting choice to write a fan fiction about.
A few things as the others have pointed out Kiara's mate is Kovu unless of course you have changed it, although it may be better to stick with the characters that we know and of course, love (just a suggestion).
Also the piece needs more details and emotion to describe to the reader exactly how the lions are feeling, and fearing for Kalebs well-being.
I love the storyline and can't wait for the next post. I am interested to know if they find Kaleb and what happens.
Keep up the great work.

-wolfcub

Yay, Simba!!! Okay, as much as I hate the idea of an old Simba.... *shivers* I thought that this was very well written. The flow was perfecto, and it did not seem rushed. Ther were a couple grammar errors sprinkled in, but that is just minor detail... Okay, may I ask why Simba is a grandfather with no gray hairs?? In the sentence where you described his mane you could say, "His golden brown mane was sprinkled with silvery gray hairs that glinted in the sunlight. Although he was older now, he has not lost his power." Or something like that.... Over all, though, I absolutly looooved it!! As a kid, I was in love with the lion king, as well as the little mermaid.... Good times....

Okay. Well, I thought it could turn into a good story, but you didn't really introduce it. When was the last time Kaleb was seen? Is he adventurous, and that's why he wandered off, or was he kidnapped? You might want to elaborate on that a bit more. I liked the idea, but I don't think it was fully developed yet. Good luck if you decide to make it bigger!

Where is the next chapter? You now have my interest. Is the little cub alive? However I must say I would have stated the cub missing in the first sentence it would catch peoples attention better. Claiming about how Simba looks kinda gives the impression the story is fluffy. Now Next Chapter!