![Wink :wink:](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
Although...if it isn't...refer to Hourglass, which you (hopefully) have just read. If you haven't, this shall be a rather dull thread for you.
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Sam wrote:At first glance, you would not have suspected this boy were in any way extraordinary- and you most certainly would not have fathomed he were an outlaw, a criminal on the run for committing an almost unspeakable crime (sans dash. try parentheses - as this is almost an aside to the readers) I say ‘almost unspeakable’ because it is oft the horrible offenses that are most whispered about behind locked doors.
revise wrote:At first glance, you would not have suspected this boy were in any way extraordinary- and you most certainly would not have fathomed he were an outlaw, a criminal on the run for committing an almost unspeakable crime. (I say ‘almost unspeakable’ because it is oft the horrible offenses that are most whispered about behind locked doors).
To me, I think there should be a comma after presence. It seems to add drama to the situation. Also, prescence should be spelled 'presence.'At the first sign of male prescence I had myself on the floor in a delicate, ladylike swoon of shock.
I think if you changed 'Was' and placed 'a voice barked,' it would sound more pleasing to the reader. Theoretically, if someone barked, they're generally yelling very loudly. Would Luke really be the bellowing type? Thus far, my impression of Luke is that he is not that type of individual; then again, maybe I'm wrong.“Who’s there?” Was barked out again, in a slightly painful-sounding boyish voice. With an accent.
This sentence confused me mostly because I had no idea what you meant by 'Doris-The-Dirty-Servant.' I know who Doris is however, I just don't understand how the analogy plays a role in the sentence. It would be great if you could elaborate on it.Exotic and innocent, I figured, using Doris-The-Dirty-Servant’s method to judging a man by his voice.
The blood in my face was starting to congeal against the cold of the floor, (hopefully) giving me a vogue rosy look that I’d been attempting to perfect (indeed, to hide the blemishes on my cheeks that caused my father to go into a rage).
Going back to what I mentioned earlier about Luke's dialect and this might be something you might want to ask Jack or Kay, but the few British people I've talked too (face- to-face) don't seem to say 'while' but 'whilst.' It's a word, whilst, I mean that I've seen in colonial speech as well. Even Hancock has used the word, and he's a Massachusetts native but he spent a few years in England.I’d have addressed you while upright, but I figured you liked the floor better.”
He heard this and I nearly slapped myself for being so rude until he smiled and looked me straight in the eye.
“I’d have addressed you while upright, but I figured you liked the floor better.”
Put a comma after 'position.'“And, I would bow and such, but since we’re not in correct position it would be best to do a simple shake.”
Put a comma after 'not.' So it would look like this:‘Hell, no you’re not’ in return.
“I’m Luke.” I took his hand and shook, rather precariously. “And you are…?”
“Yes, I’ve met you before.” He said, smiling.
I sat up, grinning. “Oh yes! When you-“
“We don’t need to review the circumstances,” he said hastily, hiding his face in his hands.
I think a period after 'embarrassment' would benefit the sentence better, and then start a new sentence.I silently agreed and then looked for any possible signs of further awkwardness or embarrassment- there were none,
I just thought the description of Luke's appearance was well done, and you've managed adding a glimpse into Jeremy's appearance as well. Jeremy must be fairly good looking, especially since Liberty seems to be attracted to Luke's brother.I silently agreed and then looked for any possible signs of further awkwardness or embarrassment- there were none, except for the boy himself, who was a bit…well, homely in any respect, especially up against my recent memories of his brother.
Put a 'why' after 'was.'…out of the womb at the same time, was one gorgeous and…
“What brings you here?” he asked, accent on the you.
"Samuel! You wicked, wicked boy," he said, laughing hysterically. "Brilliant! That is bloody brilliant, an outstanding notion."
Very mysterious indeed. I hope, again, this will be explain because I'd like to know what went possible wrong, and how is Jeremy connected? It appears the three characters, Jeremy, Luke, and Liberty; there is a conflict that happened with them.“No one to bother you- unless, of course, you enjoy being bothered.” He raised an eyebrow to indicate a deeper meaning, if you will- obviously recalling the events of our first acquaintance.
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