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Young Writers Society


The Camp-site Treehouse



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Reviews: 85
Fri Oct 07, 2011 11:08 am
Eniarrol says...



It's just a quick something I came up with, so it won't be perfect. Enjoy anyway! :)


Beth lay in the shade in the tree house, sheltered from the early morning sun. A pungent aroma of cut grass, early morning washers and burnt toast; wafted throughout the air around her. It was the smell of summer, or, at least it seemed like it to her.

As Beth lay on her back, she closed her eyes and thought of going back to camp to have breakfast, she had left shortly after having a shower; her ash blond hair still lay, sodden upon her shoulders.

“Hey!” A shout brought Beth back to her senses. She hastily rearranged her skirt and looked over the edge of the small tree house to see a familiar face.

It was Orion Marshell.

His dark friendly face was squinting up at her, holding a hand to shield his eyes from the sun. Orion was wearing a bike helmet with the buckles undone and, was in the process of leaning the bike up against the tree. The bike was a flash mountain bike; it was covered in dust and looked like it had only just been vacated.

“Hi!” She called down, smiling, “Wow, I didn’t know you were here.”

“Yeah, I’m camping,” Orion said, “You too?”

“Yeah, yeah I am.”

“Do you mind if I come up?” Orion said, now taking off his helmet and hanging it on the handlebars.

“No, sure, come up,” Beth said, busying herself with pulling open the immensely heavy trap door.

Orion helped push the trap door upwards from underneath, so that it fell off with a distinct clang. Without even scratching himself, he pulled himself upwards through the resulting hole in the wood. Beth made a mental note not to let Orion see her scrabbling up; scratching her knees and arms in the process.

After this, there was a rather awkward silence as Orion settled beside Beth. Orion broke the quiet,

“Where ‘bouts are you camping? Like your camping site.” He said.

“Uh – just um – you see that big blue tent over there,” She gestured to a point near the camp dairy, “The smaller one beside that is ours.”

“Oh yeah, ours is a little further down, near the river ya’ know.” Orion looked over towards the river that ran between the weeping trees nearly hidden from view except for a small blue waterhole where small children were paddling and older children were jumping from any daring height they could find, whether it be trees, rope swings or small rock formations that jutted out over the water.

“I better get back then,” Beth said, reaching for her jandals and slipping them on her feet.

“Yeah, I better get going too,” He said grinning and slid neatly down the hole in the wood again.

Beth hung onto the edge of the hole in the wood until she found a suitable knot on the tree to rest her foot on and climb down. Her jandals slipped off as she started climbing down clumsily, nearly slipping several times before she reached the ground where Orion stood. He looked like he was holding back laughter.

“Here are your jandals,” He said, holding them out to Beth. She took them and started walking down the slanting hill towards the campsite; her face burning with embarrassment.
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments
  





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Sat Oct 08, 2011 2:04 am
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Pigeon says...



Hi there, pigeon here to review. :)
This is cute, I really like it. Your writing style is very smooth and consistent and your descriptions are lovely.

A pungent aroma of cut grass, early morning washers and burnt toast; wafted throughout the air around her. It was the smell of summer, or, at least it seemed like it to her.
This description is beautiful and really appeals to the senses. However, the bit is red is unnecessary. I would just leave it at 'It was the smell of summer.'

As Beth lay on her back, she closed her eyes and thought of going back to camp to have breakfast, she had left shortly after having a shower; her ash blond hair still lay, sodden upon her shoulders.
Your use of punctuation is a bit odd here. It should be something like this:
"As Beth lay on her back, she closed her eyes and thought of going back to camp to have breakfast. She had left shortly after having a shower and her ash blond hair still lay sodden upon her shoulders."

Orion was wearing a bike helmet with the buckles undone and, was in the process of leaning the bike up against the tree.
Again, slightly strange punctuation. It should be "...buckles undone and was in the process..." or "...buckles undone, and was in the process..." If you're going to have a comma in there it should be before the 'and', not after.

After this, there was a rather awkward silence as Orion settled beside Beth. Orion broke the quiet,
You use names a little too often. Don't be scared to use he and she. 'He broke the quiet.' might work better.

Okay, those are the only things I noticed. I hope this is helpful!

Keep writing!

- pigeon
Reader, what are you doing?

  





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Sat Oct 08, 2011 12:55 pm
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xDudettex says...



Hey there!

The first thing that stuck out to me while reading this, is that you have a bit of trouble with your punctuation. Rosey Unicorn wrote a great post on how to format punctuation which can be found here - topic44752.html I think you should definitely take a look. She's made some great points that I think will help you to polish your story off.

The other thing I noticed is that this doesn't seem like a short story. Instead, it reads more like an extract from a novel or a longer story. It doesn't have enough background to enable it to make much sense on its own. For example, you say

It was Orion Marshell.


To the reader, it means nothing. We've never come across him before. Try adding in how she knows him. School? A club? There's not enough of a relationship between the two characters at the moment to make the story, a story. I couldn't connect with anything that was going on, and to be honest, not much happened.

Try explaining why she's camping. Is she on holiday with her family? Where is the camp? Near her home? Or in another country?

A little more background will help to make the story come to life.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  








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