Young Writers Society

Alices heart was pounding a hundred miles per hour as she ran through the night air drenched to the skin almost slipping as she went. The only thing on her back was her tatty old nightie and she had bare feet. She was bruised and cut but she didn’t think about that. All she could think of was the other abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. She held her thumb up once she’d reached the highway and flagged a Ute down. An old man smiled at her from the drivers seat.
“Get in you poor thing” he said looking her up and down assessing the situation. ‘He looks safe’ she thought to herself as she to surveyed him. ‘after all he’s an old man what harm could he do?’ thinking this she wrenched open the door and clambered in with difficulty from all the cuts and bruises.
“Were you off to” asked the man his blue eyes focussing on her hazel ones.
“Anywhere far away I’m not coming back” Alice replied buckling up her seat belt.
“Well I’m going to Horsham. You look like the country could do you some good.” he said pointing at her bruises.
“Yeah I think the country sounds good” said Alice making a weak smile of gratitude.
“Oh I’m Greg by the way”
“Alice I’m Alice” Alice said extending a hand.

Half an hour past and Alice was getting sleepy something Greg had picked up on.
“You need to sleep pet I’ll wake you when we get there it’s only another two hours till were there”
“Ok” replied Alice her eyes slowly closing and in seconds she was out to it all the running and fighting had worn her out. She needn’t have bothered cause he still succeeded.

The Ute stopped abruptly jerking Alice awake immediately. They were on a windy dirt road surrounded on both sides by thick luscious bush that at night looked erie and dangerous. Alice swallowed hard something wasn’t right why had they stopped. As though reading her mind Greg responded
“Bloody old stupid bugger I am forgot to check the petrol were stranded I’m afraid, sorry pet.”
“Stranded. But we cant be. And anyway” she said looking behind the steering wheel where the Speedos where. “the petrol light isn’t on were fine what are you talking about?” just as she finished this sentence she was grabbed by the waist and dragged across to the drivers side. She wriggled and squirmed but no matter how hard she tried it was no use this old bugger was just to strong. By now she was out of the Ute having been pushed to the muddy ground. Greg’s knee was on her holding her down. Her mouth was full of mud she was stranded, powerless yet again.
“Your putty in my hands Alice you couldn’t have turned up at a better time. Where going to have a lot of fun together you and I” he said his voice now rough and dangerous a change from the smooth talking old man that had picked her up not long before. Alice tried to speak but the mud prohibited her from doing so. Greg grabbed her arms and tied them together. The wire he used dug deep into her tender pale skin. She tried to scream from the pain but it was no use even if she could scream no one would hear her. Something that Greg new all to well. It felt like an age before she was pulled up right. She spat out the mud and made to talk to try and persuade her attacker to let her go. But it was only seconds after her opening her moth to do so that it was blocked off yet again by Greg’s dirty hankie.
“I do the talking you do as I wish, got it? he said there was a pause before her added “Well you going to answer or what?” Alice nodded to show she understood and he continued on pushing her in the direction of the bush.
Alices heart pounded in her chest her hands where sweeting and she was on the verge of hyperventilating.
“Get moving” said Greg shoving her further into the surrounding trees and undergrowth “walk you stupid girl.”

Both walked on till they reached a clearing about the size of basket ball court. There was a small hut to one side. Greg lead her forcefully towards the rickety front door. The building was bigger than expected from the outside it had two beds and a small kitchen. Obviously not connected to power but there were billies and other cooking implements and a fire place outside. Greg gestured towards one of the beds and started to untie her. Alice felt a slight wave of relief maybe he’s changed his mind she thought optimistically. But then she was shoved onto the bed on her back. Greg knelt either side of her waist and re tied her hands this time to the bed posts as well as her feet. He then pulled up her nightie and she was forced to re visit the abuse her father had given her only hours before. as well as the new assault. She was still tender so the pain was to much to bare. She screamed with pain silently in her head. And tried yet again to fight off her attacker but all it seemed to do was broaden the smile across his aging features.

Alice awoke amazed she was able to sleep. She went to move her arms to find herself still attached to the bed she must have slept though exhaustion. The wire had left deep painful lacerations on her wrists they where bleeding profusely. She looked around to find she was alone and for a second she was relieved ‘he’s gone’ she thought. ‘But how will I get free?’ she questioned herself desperately in tears. But within seconds of thinking that Greg returned and Alice felt as though she had been punched in the gut. Greg’s hands where behind his back as he walked towards her. When at the foot of the bed he brandished a knife. Alice felt as though she was going to be sick.
“Time to die my pet” he said viciously his eyes ablaze. “any last words” he said removing the hankie. Before she could answer a flash of newspaper images and headlines she’d seen filtered through her mind. “Girl missing expected dead”, “Missing little girl” and the memories went on.
“You did it, you killed those two girls and i’m your third victim. You’ll get caught one day” yelled Alice not bothering to try and get him to free her. After all what else did she have going for her if she got away she had no where safe to go. Why bother? he’d kill her anyway he wasn’t a man of remorse. And Alice was right as when she finished her final words she was stabbed nine times. Dieing a slow painful death. But in her last seconds of life she wondered which was worse dieing or living with her abuse. Maybe he ended up doing her a favour. Because when your dead your away from life’s hassles.

Whoa... that was incredible.

Now... grammatical errors all over the place.
First of all, lack of apostrophes.
eg. You have Alices, it should be Alice's.
The dialogue seemed a bit rushed and unatural.

Just work on your grammar a bit. Other than that, this story was absolutely brilliant.

Yes, it could use a bit of fixing up in the grammar arena and it is a little rushed, but otherwise it was brilliant. Great writing and plot.

Print this off and read through it. Wherever you naturally pause, add in a comma.

I agree with Supermal - this does feel kind of rushed. However, go over it by yourself and brush it up - then it'll truly sparkle .

This is a very good story, though there are a lot of mistakes. As soon as you tell us about her getting a lift, I got a very good idea about what was going to happen next. >_<

The best thing to do when writing a story, is doing it on ‘Microsoft word’ or that apple one, or what ever it is ‘Apple works’ or something… Also, reread your story over and over again.

Here is a few I spotted.

“Were you off to” asked the man his blue eyes focussing on her hazel ones

You got easily mixed up with: “where” and “were” Or maybe you just keep forgetting the “h” xD

“Where are you off to?” asked the man, his blue eyes focussing on her hazel ones.

“Alice I’m Alice” Alice said extending a hand.

I would of put a comma in Alice, I’m Alice. But probably that is just me, because I love commas so much…

She needn’t have bothered cause he still succeeded.

I would of put: Because. Only because it is a story and it does sound better.

They were on a windy dirt road surrounded on both sides by thick luscious bush that at night looked erie and dangerous. Alice swallowed hard something wasn’t right why had they stopped. As though reading her mind Greg responded

They were on a windy, dirt road. Surrounded on both sides, by a thick luscious bush, at night it looked eerie and dangerous.

Or

They were on a windy, dirt road. Surrounded on both sides, by thick luscious bushes, at night they looked eerie and dangerous.

Also:

Alice swallowed hard, something wasn’t right, why had they stopped? As if he could read her mind, Greg responded.

“Bloody old stupid bugger

That is the best line EVER! Hehe. I love that… Sorry xD

“Stranded. But we cant be. And anyway” she said looking behind the steering wheel where the Speedos where. “the petrol light isn’t on were fine what are you talking about?”

“Stranded? But we can’t be! And anyway…” She said, looking behind the steering wheel, where the Speedos (*) were. “The petrol light isn’t on, we’re fine, what are you talking about?”

(*) Speedos? O_o sorry, can you explain? I only got one idea and I don’t think it is that. xD

She wriggled and squirmed but no matter how hard she tried it was no use this old bugger was just to strong. By now she was out of the Ute having been pushed to the muddy ground. Greg’s knee was on her holding her down. Her mouth was full of mud she was stranded, powerless yet again.

Hehe, old bugger, how I love that word… Bugger.

She wriggled and squirmed, but no matter how hard she tried, it was just no use. This old bugger was just too strong. By now she was out of the Ute, having been pushed on to the muddy ground. Greg’s knee was on her, holding her down. Her mouth was full of mud, she was stranded, powerless yet again.

Something that Greg new all to well. It felt like an age before she was pulled up right. She spat out the mud and made to talk to try and persuade her attacker to let her go. But it was only seconds after her opening her moth to do so that it was blocked off yet again by Greg’s dirty hankie.

Something that Greg knew, all too well. It felt like an age before she was pulled up. She spat out the mud and tried to talk and persuade her attacker to let her go. But it was only seconds after her opening her mouth. To do so, that is was blocked off, yet again by Greg’s dirty hankie.

“I do the talking you do as I wish, got it? he said there was a pause before her added

“I do the talking, you do as I wish. Got it?” he ordered. There was a pause before he added

Alices heart pounded in her chest her hands where sweeting and she was on the verge of hyperventilating.

Alice’s heart pounded in her chest, her hands were sweating and she was on the verge of hyperventilating.

Obviously not connected to power but there were billies and other cooking implements and a fire place outside.

Billies? O_o Explain, please! I’m not from Australia, so maybe that is why or something.

She went to move her arms to find herself still attached to the bed she must have slept though exhaustion. The wire had left deep painful lacerations on her wrists they where bleeding profusely

She went to move her arms to find her self still attached to the bed. She must have slept through exhaustion. The wire had left deep, painful lacerations on her wrists. They were bleeding profusely.

“Time to die my pet” he said viciously his eyes ablaze. “any last words” he said removing the hankie. Before she could answer a flash of newspaper images and headlines she’d seen filtered through her mind.

When someone asks a question, you always use a question mark. Well, from what I seen, then yeah.

“Time to die my pet,” he said viciously, his eyes ablaze. “Any last words?” He asked, removing the hankie. Before she could answer, a flash of newspaper images and headlines she had seen, filtered through her mind.

Why bother? he’d kill her anyway he wasn’t a man of remorse.

Why bother? He would kill her anyway. He wasn’t a man of remorse.

Maybe he ended up doing her a favour. Because when your dead your away from life’s hassles.

Maybe he ended up doing her a favour. Because when you’re dead, you are away from life’s hassles.

I love that last line. Very good work, you have a great and amazing plot, but as others have said, you need to check the grammar. It also seems a little bit rushed; I would like to know more on her past. Where was her mum in all this? I loved it all. Nice.

Awesome work, Tazy! This is captivating!

The lack of grammar killed it.

There were sentences that weren't finished with a period that just went on and on and on. I can understand missing several commas, but you should never miss a period. You confused the word "we're" with "where" and the list goes on. It's obvious that you have some talent -- after fixing up the grammatical errors, it was a good story. But you have to work on the grammar!

And... I think you can get away with describing the rape scene more.

I've corrected much of the grammar. Check it out. If you have any questions why I've changed something, just ask.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alice’s heart was pounding a hundred miles per hour as she ran through the night air drenched to the skin almost slipping as she went. The only thing on her back was her tatty old nightie and she had bare feet. She was bruised and cut but she didn’t think about that. All she could think of was the other abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. She held her thumb up once she’d reached the highway and flagged a Ute down. An old man smiled at her from the drivers seat.

“Get in you poor thing,” he said looking her up and down assessing the situation.

He looks safe, she thought to herself as she to surveyed him. After all, he’s an old man. What harm could he do? Thinking this, she wrenched open the door and clambered in with difficulty from all the cuts and bruises.

“Were you off to?” asked the man, his blue eyes focusing on her hazel ones.

“Anywhere far away. I’m not coming back,” Alice replied buckling up her seat belt.

“Well, I’m going to Horsham. You look like the country could do you some good,” he said pointing at her bruises.

“Yeah. I think the country sounds good,” said Alice making a weak smile of gratitude.

“Oh, I’m Greg by the way.”

“Alice. I’m Alice,” Alice said extending a hand.

Half an hour past and Alice was getting sleepy something Greg had picked up on.
“You need to sleep pet. I’ll wake you when we get there it’s only another two hours till we’re there.”

“Okay,” replied Alice her eyes slowly closing and in seconds she was out to it all the running and fighting had worn her out. She needn’t have bothered because he still succeeded.

The Ute stopped abruptly jerking Alice awake immediately. They were on a windy dirt road surrounded on both sides by thick luscious bush that at night looked eerie and dangerous. Alice swallowed hard something wasn’t right why had they stopped. As though reading her mind Greg responded

“Bloody old stupid bugger I am forgot to check the petrol were stranded I’m afraid, sorry pet.”

“Stranded? But we can’t be! And anyway,” she said looking behind the steering wheel where the Speedos were, “the petrol light isn’t on. We’re fine. What are you talking about?” Just as she finished this sentence, she was grabbed by the waist and dragged across to the driver’s side. She wriggled and squirmed, but no matter how hard she tried it was no use. This old bugger was just too strong. By now she was out of the Ute having been pushed to the muddy ground. Greg’s knee was on her holding her down. Her mouth was full of mud. She was stranded, powerless yet again.

“You’re putty in my hands, Alice. You couldn’t have turned up at a better time. We’re going to have a lot of fun together you and I!” he said his voice now rough and dangerous, a change from the smooth talking old man that had picked her up not long before. Alice tried to speak but the mud prohibited her from doing so. Greg grabbed her arms and tied them together. The wire he used dug deep into her tender pale skin. She tried to scream from the pain but it was no use; even if she could scream no one would hear her.

Something that Greg knew all to well. It felt like an age before she was pulled upright. She spat out the mud and made to talk to try and persuade her attacker to let her go. But it was only seconds after her opening her moth to do so that it was blocked off yet again by Greg’s dirty hankie.

“I do the talking you do as I wish. Got it?” he said. There was a pause before he added, “Well, you going to answer or what?” Alice nodded to show she understood and he continued on pushing her in the direction of the bush.

Alice’s heart pounded in her chest her hands where sweating and she was on the verge of hyperventilating.

“Get moving” said Greg shoving her further into the surrounding trees and undergrowth. “Walk, you stupid girl.”

Both walked on till they reached a clearing about the size of basket ball court. There was a small hut to one side. Greg led her forcefully towards the rickety front door. The building was bigger than expected from the outside it had two beds and a small kitchen. Obviously not connected to power but there were billies and other cooking implements and a fire place outside. Greg gestured towards one of the beds and started to untie her. Alice felt a slight wave of relief maybe he’s changed his mind she thought optimistically. But then she was shoved onto the bed on her back. Greg knelt either side of her waist and retied her hands this time to the bed posts as well as her feet. He then pulled up her nightie and she was forced to re visit the abuse her father had given her only hours before. As well as the new assault. She was still tender so the pain was too much to bear. She screamed with pain silently in her head and tried yet again to fight off her attacker but all it seemed to do was broaden the smile across his aging features.

Alice awoke, amazed she was able to sleep. She went to move her arms to find herself still attached to the bed she must have slept though exhaustion. The wire had left deep painful lacerations on her wrists they where bleeding profusely. She looked around to find she was alone and for a second she was relieved. He’s gone, she thought. But how will I get free? she questioned herself desperately in tears. But within seconds of thinking that Greg returned and Alice felt as though she had been punched in the gut. Greg’s hands where behind his back as he walked towards her. When at the foot of the bed he brandished a knife. Alice felt as though she was going to be sick.

“Time to die, my pet,” he said viciously, his eyes ablaze. “Any last words?” he said removing the hankie. Before she could answer a flash of newspaper images and headlines she’d seen filtered through her mind. “Girl missing expected dead”, “Missing little girl” and the memories went on.

“You did it, you killed those two girls and I’m your third victim. You’ll get caught one day!” yelled Alice not bothering to try and get him to free her. After all what else did she have going for her if she got away she had no where safe to go. Why bother? He’d kill her anyway; he wasn’t a man of remorse. And Alice was right as when she finished her final words she was stabbed nine times. Dying a slow painful death. But in her last seconds of life she wondered which was worse dying or living with her abuse. Maybe he ended up doing her a favour. Because when you’re dead you’re away from life’s hassles.