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Young Writers Society


Mary Colthane and the Dead Man [beginning]



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Thu Oct 13, 2005 2:38 am
Sam says...



Based on a really cool ghost story I heard...really short, just tell me what you think.

Thirteen children sat round their mother at the dinner table, slowly chewing their meat and licking leftover gravy from their forks.

The fifteenth chair, however, was empty.

Its usual occupant was on the way, fighting their way through the night, as it was a rather windy evening.

Then, at last, the front door was unlatched, and in stepped the childrens' father, a tall, broad-shouldered man with streaks of grey running through his once-brown hair.

This man was Keeper of the Bones.

His duties were to oversee the local cemetery- building caskets, digging graves, and the like. He kept the fierce watchdogs that guarded the place, making sure no one [dead or alive] could get in when he left for home.

The man trips over the doorframe and stumbles. He curses under his breath, just loud enough for the youngest to hear it and turn bright pink.

He composes himself and straightens, turning to hang his cloak up on the rack and then limp over to the table and collapse into his seat.

"I dropped my walking stick in the graveyard," he said. "I could not see, for it was too dark."

All the children keep their eyes fixed on their meat- no one wanted to be sent to the cemetery at night, no matter how irritable their father could be when displeased. They can feel his eyes pass over each of their heads, searching for someone to speak up.

Finally, a lanky girl with stringy blonde hair looks up from her dinner.

"Father, I'll go."

He smiles.
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Thu Oct 13, 2005 2:46 am
Quiz says...



Sounds good to me--great tone setting, impressive vocab, and interesting beginning.

No hint as to the time period it takes place in, however...that might help...or is it supposed to be unclear as to the time...?

--Q
"I wish not to be understood, but to understand...I wish not to be loved, but to love!"
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Thu Oct 13, 2005 3:52 am
Snoink says...



SAM! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

Gr.....

You change from past tense to present! *kills*

Yeah... usually I wouldn't be so uptight about it but - gah! You're one of the best! You should know better!

Okay. Enough exclamation marks.

Your paragraphing was choppy. It's true that ghost stories are supposed to sound sort of choppy, but I've noticed in your writing that you usually avoid long paragraphs. So most of your paragraphs end up having one to two sentences. This makes it read faster, but because it reads faster, it makes the sentences a little short and may ruin the flow. When you're writing a ghost story, you can't stop the flow at all, and fragments and short paragraphs may ruin the creepy subtlety of the ghost story.

Paragraphing is a little tricky, mind you. You want to have enough sentences inside the paragraph to make it read smoothly, but at the same time you don't want to have it overly wrong. So, what do you generally start new paragraphs on? Dialogue, setting, introduction, characters, you name it. Anything that you want to spend time on, do it. For example:

"And what do you say to that?"

I paused, squinting at the golf course flags popping out of the green. I shuffled in these strange shoes and frowned. Just in the distance I could see my ball glinting in the sun -- a perfect shot -- only to fall into a lake nearby. I chewed some gum and looked his scowling face.

"Does this mean I have to play more?"


Not great, but it was a prewritten example of paragraphing, therefore I love it. And now, just to be annoying, let's outline it!

Dialogue. I want the question to sound sharp so I leave it by itself. Plus, I don't have to describe the character that much. You can imagine what the character looks like just because of the dialogue. Cool, huh? If I wanted to I could put a "he said" behind that, but as it doesn't need it, I won't bother.

The description of the horrible shot and the setting. I want it to sound magnificent at first and then gradually the image in your mind falls flat. Because I want the patheticness of the shot to ring through, I leave it off with more description, this time confirming that the first guy who talked was indeed scowling.

Dialogue. This time I want the speaker, the narrator, is talking. In this particular paragraph, I want this question to sound dull and bored. I leave it off without any description (any more description might kill the effect) and hope the reader knows better.


Yep.

Work on your paragraphs, missy! ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Thu Oct 13, 2005 4:05 am
Boni_Bee says...



Sam wrote:Its usual occupant was on the way, fighting their way through the night, as it was a rather windy evening.


I think you mean 'fighting his way through the night'. I think it would sound better, as you've repeated the word 'way' in the same sentance. An interesting story. It sounds as though it was about 100 years ago...???
  





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Thu Oct 13, 2005 8:31 pm
Sam says...



It's supposed to be indefinite...probably 17-1800's, but that's to the reader's discretion. :wink:

THANK YOU SNOINKY!

I shall work on that...

Paragraphs are eeeeeeeeevil.

[And I changed tenses? AHHH! Where??]
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Sat Oct 15, 2005 3:05 am
Quiz says...



As per your request, I have read this (a second time check your first response lol). Here are my thoughts;

Setting: unknown, appears to be late American colonial period (1600-1700?)

Tone: Dark (well portrayed)

I was a bit taken back by your word order...sentences like this one;

His duties were to oversee the local cemetery- building caskets, digging graves, and the like.


Made me cringe a little. "His duties were to," just sounds so clumsy when reading it...
perhaps if you said something along the lines of "His duties included..." or "It was his duty to..." but the way it is worded right now sounds odd.

"Keeper of the Bones"--that's cool.

As Snoink pointed out, you change tense. That is a very big no-no.

Right here:

His duties were to oversee the local cemetery- building caskets, digging graves, and the like. He kept the fierce watchdogs that guarded the place, making sure no one [dead or alive] could get in when he left for home.

[[TENSE CHANGE]]

The man trips over the doorframe and stumbles. He curses under his breath, just loud enough for the youngest to hear it and turn bright pink.

He composes himself and straightens, turning to hang his cloak up on the rack and then limp over to the table and collapse into his seat.

[[TENSE CHANGE]]

"I dropped my walking stick in the graveyard," he said. "I could not see, for it was too dark."



Frankly, I don't feel the fear from the children that should be there. You need to do something to make them seem more afraid....unfortunately, I'm not writer so I honestly have no idea what you could do or any literary devices you could use.

A nice start, I'll keep an eye on this.

--Q
"I wish not to be understood, but to understand...I wish not to be loved, but to love!"
--Clare of Assissi
  





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Sun Oct 16, 2005 4:22 am
Sam says...



Thanks!

Hehe...tense changes...I'm so used to writing in present tense; everything I write now switches at some point or another, no matter how much I try to crush it. :P
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  








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