Young Writers Society

Hey there!

Oh shnap! So many great pieces are being requested in my WRFF thread, it's AMAZING.

Wow, so, you probably already know this is fascinating, so I'm not going to tell you that I think it is, in fact, fascinating... cause.. you.. already know!

I kind of get that this is supposed to be about one event and what happens to different people around that event. I like the idea, and I think it's really great, however you didn't exactly do it right. When you do that, the events that happen to the individual person are supposed to be connected, and I feel like you slacked off on the connection a bit. Let me break it down for you:

The girl was beaten. Ok? What the heck does that have to do with the title? What the heck does that have to do with the playground burning? Oh right, you give us one little sentence, that seems like a bit of an after-thought, to tell us that: The people who beat her are suspected to have lit the playground on fire, also. Hmm, that ties things together real well. xD (Sarcasm)

And then there's the boy riding by on his bike seeing the fire. Ok, great, there's a legitimate connection between him and the fire, but since the fire isn't really connected to the beating, and the boy isn't connected to the girl, then there isn't a connection between the two scenes. It's like you mashed together two stories with a similar theme together at the last second.

My suggestion for you would be do to a couple of things: Have the boy possibly see the men climb into the truck and drive away, not noticing the body. He just notices it as he rides home quickly. Have the girl be related to the fire somehow. Maybe how she was going to the playground because that's where she goes to think. I mean, why did those men randomly choose her to beat up? Normally they don't really beat up girls, they do, just not normally and not for no reason.

And I have one more suggestion for you on how to tie things together a little bit more smoothly: Jump back and forth between the stories. Don't just tell hers and then tell his, mix them together, so that it's like you're telling us what they were both doing at that exact point in time, not knowing that there lives were connected by this one incident. Oh gwarsh, I guess I just came up with another one more suggestion. After you do that, to really, really make the story come together as one, write about the boy and how all that's happening while the playground is burning, and how she's being rushed to the hospital while it's burning. You get what I'm saying? Say what both of them are doing while it's burning, not just the kid.

I really like this. I like how it's told, I like the tense, I like your voice, I like everything. I just feel like you slacked off a bit on the actually telling of the story. You definitely got across what you wanted to say, you just didn't do it in a very smooth way. But you should be able to fix that quickly, just using the little ol' cut and paste tool.

Keep writing,

Classy

Hey there!

That was really cool. I have to say, it was the title that drew me in, so good job with that. I liked how it told the story of her recovery, even though it hadn't happened yet. For some reason, that appealed to me. Although, I thought it was a little strange, since I couldn't really tell who the main character was. I wasn't quite sure if it was Loah, or Carson. That was really the only thing that bothered me.

But I think my favorite part of the story, was the "You're a star!" line. It was completely irrelevant to the story, and I loved it.

I really liked this, nice job!

~Amfli

All I can say is AMAZAZING!! I know everyone else has written a lot more but I'm out of words... I love your work! Keep it up! You've inspired me.

I'm probably not saying anything that hasn't been said already, but this is a great story on every front. I love the story itself, especially the way you integrated the newscasts into the first half. It added another element of realism in a story that was already bursting with it. The way you showed how the neighborhood kind of decayed over the years after the attack, how the perpetrators were never caught, gave it a bit of solemnity to mix with the happiness for the girl's recovery. The ending was just as good, with the dialogue (loved the "you're a star" lines by the way), and the kind of 'completion of the circle'. Also the idea of a playground on fire is really symbolic to me.
The way you narrated it as well, kind of distant and aloof, was probably one of the best parts. It added a lot, and it ended up being very engaging and almost immersive. Awesome job!

You're a star!

Anyway, a grammatical nitpick:

"...say her daughter won’t be going out alone any more." <-- "any more" should be "anymore." Unless that was deliberate? But why would it be deliberate?

I kind of like Carson, because essentially he was trying to do the right thing, but he was quashed down. I find it weird that the mom wouldn't at least look though. Once, my sister found out that the hill that I lived in when I was a little girl was burning, my sister came inside and said, "The sky is on fire." And it was, since essentially the whole hill was on fire!

Also, the playground is burning? Since is set in modern times, playgrounds... well... they're made out of plastic. Essentially, petroleum-products. It smells awwwwwwful when it gets burnt. So I find it weird no one would figure this out, even the stupid mom.

That's my main beef. Obviously, I like chemicals too much. >.> But, I love how you set this up and everything!

I really liked this. It gets to you. It messes with your emotions, and I loved it. I really like how you tell what is going to happen instead of what is happening. Keep it up. You are a wonderful author.

This is a very good story but there are things to work on. They have been mentioned before so I won't bore you repeats. I did really enjoy the newscasts because it sounds like what would really happen. I liked how you told it like what was to come. It did confuse me a little about where carson came into this but it was really good.

Iiih, I really, really liked this piece. So powerful. I enjoyed the switch between the stanzas that played out in the present and the more formal ones in italics. They gave the piece an original twist. I love the beginning with the girl with all the future infront of her and then it was just pulled away from her... all that was just really beautifully written. I don't see why you had to focus so much on this Carter guy though... maybe it had been okay if you just put a small add in where a kid (don't mention his name) tried to get his ignorant mother to listen. Because that was a good way to make the audience realize the playground was on fire but I don't like how suddenly he became the centre of this entire piece. Part from that though, this was wonderful!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I liked it a lot- very powerful and effective.