Horror

I walked in to my school and couldn't help to look at a group of people surrounding a wall. I walked over to take a look at what it was...


I read the words and couldn't believe what was written. I thought to myself that everyone will be shocked when they walk into this hall. On the wall there were these words written in blood, 'Death awaits a mysterious boy, when the clock above strikes twelve.'

For a strange reason everyone was looking straight at me and whispering things. I couldn't bare to hear it so I walked home with a fear held in me.

What horror awaits me, if I am the boy, no one really knows. Except that something horrible will happen to a boy when the clock strikes twelve. I await the fear that will happen in five hours.

As I wait I can't help but think that something awaits me where the shadows and the moon meet.

Next time you start a story, have a little more to get people hooked; because you didn't write much. There is some major tense issues, seems like some things are past and present tense, start by fixing that. I am curious to see where you are going with this.

Hey there, Oregon Girl! You've got a great start here, but it could stand to be added on to.

So I think this is somewhere in the middle of your story? If so, that's great! If not, well...

I'll just come out and say it. I have no clue what's going on here! Who wrote the words? What impact do they have? Where are they written? And who's POV is this coming from? Goodness Gracious, girl!

The first thing that came to mind was Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, so now I have it hammered into my brain that this is taking place at a school. It's very interesting and I'm at the point of begging to find out what's happening!
Could you please add on to this? PLEASE?

Thanks!

~*Dreamer*~

This sounds like an interesting introduction for a story. I think howvere you could be a little more descriptive, and vary in your choise of words.

fove - five??

Anyway wil lyou be posting more?

Meevs
x

It was rather bland to me and I had a flash back to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. There wasn't much description so I didn't get a good feel of where they were.

You misspelled 'straight.'

And then, in your last sentence when you first used 'await' I think you meant 'wait.' Saying 'await' there doesn't make much sense.

I have to agree with most of what was said. It does need more depth and more detail.

I think that with these things and a dash of editing, you could definately have a great beginning to an even greater story.

umm, yeah. There are some major issues with this, and not the least of which have been pointed out. But besides that, I found myself reading through quickly, and not really remembering anything that I read. More description would be nice, and i'd like to feel more emotion. As a premise or the beggining of a story, this could be really cool, but it needs some work.

I do agree with all the posts before mine... so I really have nothing to add... everyone already said everything!!

Once this is flushed out and details are added it'll be a good prologue or first chapter of a great story!