Young Writers Society

"Oh. Right," Evaline murmured as she dug through the tray. For a moment she panicked thinking that Sasha didn't pack it, and they didn't exactly have any utensils since the food and cooking saddlebag was stolen by the thieves. But then she found it tucked in the other bundle.

"Here," she said, passing James a fork and spoon. She then leaned forward on the stool, her arms folded across her knees.

"Everyone seems worried about you, by the way," she said after a pause. "Edna told the kids you were deathly sick so that they'd be nicer to you." She glanced at the bear on the bed.

"It seemed to work."

James hummed a little laugh as he poked at the food with his fork, stacking a piece of meat with some vegetables and rice. He wanted to get a little of everything in one bite.

"In some ways, she's not wrong," he said with a little grin. He took a bite and had to pause. Things tasted a little strange when he was sick, but somehow, this still managed to be delicious. He had to restrain himself from shoveling the food in his mouth. Suddenly, he found himself starving.

"I'm glad they'll be nicer," he said, muffled through chewing.

Evaline watched James slowly eat, satisfied that he seemed eager to eat. She was worried that he would lose his appetite, and she'd have to somehow force him to eat the proper amount of calories to replenish his energy levels.

"I am too," she said softly as he chewed. "How are you feeling, by the way? Better, I assume?"

James nodded, swallowing. "Better," he said. "I still feel feverish but my head feels a little clearer, I think."

He took another bite, and sat contentedly, chewing.

Evaline watched him eat a few more bites, only slightly nodding in silence. She figured he could spend a few quiet moments to eat without the distraction of talking.

"You said you had a nightmare," she said after he finished chewing a bite. "And I remember you saying you don't often have good dreams, but I hope, at least, this week, with all the rest and without the worry... you'll at least have one good dream."

James glanced up at Evaline, then looked back down at his plate. The dream still felt fuzzy in his mind, but he tried to remember it. He hummed for a moment and closed his eyes.

"I died at the end," he said quietly. "Not like the dreams about things you'd undone. This one was different. It was before I met you. Before all of this. But there was more..."

He leaned forward a little tilting his head to the side as he tried to pinpoint the moments. The feelings. The images in his mind were already fading.

"I think I had a dream before that with you in it. I think we were on a swing... sitting next to each other. It smelled like spring..."

Evaline's eyes softened in sympathy as she sat up straighter to give James her full attention.

There were mixed feelings about this dream. She didn't know whether she should have felt sad that he had such a terrifying nightmare of dying, or happy that he had a dream with the two of them, sitting next to each other on a peaceful spring day.

"I'm sorry," she said after a pause, worry creased into the folds of her brows. "That the dream ended so terribly." She silently sighed through her nose, but then offered him a hint of a reassuring smile. "Maybe next spring we can recreate the beginning of that dream."

James smiled a little, still trying to grasp onto the details. Still closing his eyes, trying to remember.

"We were older, I think," he said. "But by a few years. I want to say we were on a farm... it reminded me of home..."

Home.

He didn't know why he used that word. He hadn't thought of his childhood home as home in years, but it seemed to make things come flooding back. He stared down into his lap.

"My family was there," he said. "Including my - my father."

And there was a child.

He didn't think he should mention the child.

"I think... things took a turn after that."

Even as a dream, Evaline knew this was an impossible situation. James's father was dead, and it was unlikely he would ever see his mother or sister again. James Hawke was dead to them, and it wasn't certain whether it would ever be safe for him to visit them as a wanted man. She wondered if he ever thought about his family seeing his wanted poster, but she figured he would rather have a happier distraction than these sad hypothetical thoughts.

"What was your family like?" she asked. "As a group dynamic, I mean. And what were your parents' names?"

James found his mind lingering on the memory of the dream. He could remember the feeling of his side aching. Blood, pouring out... and Evaline, whispering something. He couldn't remember what it was for the life of him, and it slipped away when Evaline asked her question.

His family.

He looked down at his plate again, stacking food on his fork.

"My father's name was Allen, and my mother is Jane," he answered, pausing for a moment to think.

"It was... I guess, when we were together, my father was probably the most talkative, next to Larrel. They were usually the ones trying to make everyone laugh, and I was always a little more reserved, even as kid. My mom was usually the one who'd take things a little more seriously - but we worked well together. On the farm, I mean. My parents never complained, and they prided themselves in hard work, so we did too. We were all expected to look out for each other, I guess."

He looked up at Evaline, but he didn't quite meet her eyes.

"I don't know, it's kind of hard to describe. "

Evaline listened attentively, mulling all of this over. She didn't want to forget a detail.

"Okay," she said, relaxing her posture as she tried to focus and think. "I think this fits well with our story. Here in the oasis, I mean. Married Evelyn and Yoen." She tried to give him steady gentle eye contact, but she found herself immediately failing, instead staring at the tent wall in front of her, deep in thought.

"My in-laws—your parents—they liked me, but they probably thought I needed to relax more often. Allen would try to get me more involved with family activities, and he'd even ask me to join his evening walks so that he could get to know me better. I've always gotten along with Jane, on the other hand. She's more quiet and would insist she work on farm duties instead of me doing it, but she'd frequently ask me to help cook so that one day I could make your favorite meal without her help. Larrel, meanwhile, probably was averse to me sweeping away her big brother, but she warmed up to me after we bonded over shared funny stories relating to you."

She then paused, but then nodded to herself, feeling pretty good about this thought process. She looked back at James, smiling a bit bashfully as she looked for validation in his eyes.

"Does that sound right?" she asked.

James smiled a little. She wanted to weave it into their story. He had no idea if his family's dynamics even slightly resembled what it was like in his childhood, but this was just a fictional story they were weaving. It could be whatever they wanted.

"Yeah," he said softly. "It sounds perfect."

Evaline smiled, pleased. "I'm glad," she said, letting the comfortable silence fall between them again as James continued to eat.

After some moments, she decided to take a small risk and ask the question that had been lingering in her mind.

"Do you think you'll ever see them again?" she asked. "Maybe not now or in the near future, but someday?"

James had another bite of food in his mouth, and he waited until he finished chewing and swallowed again to answer.

He knew she was probably only bringing it up because of his dream, but he couldn't help that the dream left a lingering feeling he couldn't quite describe. There was the terror of almost dying, but a completely different sort of terror he'd felt when seeing his father, alive, and older. James didn't know what he would've done if they'd made eye contact, or if he'd heard his voice in the dream. Just seeing a glimpse of him made his heart stop.

It felt wrong to see him. It felt wrong to see his mother and his sister too. And he couldn't help but notice that the family his mother married into was entirely absent. His step-father and step-brother weren't there, but it made sense. He barely knew them. This was something in his subconscious, erasing them from whatever idealized future he had lingering in the back of his brain.

Right?

James looked down at his plate with a wistful expression.

"I don't expect to ever see them again," he said quietly.

It occurred to him that he was more eager to imagine a hypothetical future with Evaline than a future where he saw his family again. His wanted status interfered with a future he could have with both of those things.

"It's... hard to imagine it ever happening. I've always assumed they believed me to be dead, and I don't know if they would know just from seeing my posters that Tiberius is... their runaway son or brother."

He poked at his food with his fork.

He was quiet for a moment as he let the thought ringing throughout his head roll around some more before he found the courage to say it.

"I guess, if I'm honest with myself, I don't even know if I want to see them again," he said in a whisper. "I don't know if I could face them... and I don't know if they would want to see me. Not like this."

Evaline was glad that James was being honest and told her his honest thoughts, but a small part of her regretted bringing this up because she didn't know how to respond to this. She never exactly thought she had to console a man because his wanted status and previous runaway put him in a precarious situation when potentially seeing his family again.

She could only imagine how much this had sat on his shoulders, how much and how often this had burdened him. Now, living in Nye, she felt like she had to share that burden, even if she hadn't ever met his family, and likely never will.

"This must be hard to think about," she said carefully after a few moments. "I'm sorry."

She paused, thinking about his answer again. It went both ways: him being afraid of seeing his family, and potentially his family being afraid to see him.

"Well..." she started slowly with furrowed brows as she tried to think of the right words to say. "Maybe one day, years from now when your wanted status eventually disappears, we'd be able to see them. We don't have to meet them yet, if you're not comfortable with that. Just see them from a distance, at first. Make sure they're okay."