Young Writers Society

"Missing You"

[Verse 1]
Thinking of you,
Don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
when I'm missing you.

[Chorus]
Like a day without the sun,
Like a night without the stars
A day seems like a thousand years
I'm lost without you.

[Verse 2]
Three months now,
You've been gone
My heart feels torn.
When I'm missing you.

[Chorus]
Like a day without the sun,
Like a night without the stars
A day seems like a thousand years
I'm lost without you.

[Verse 3]
I look up and sigh
Fireflies light the sky
It's no fun being here
When I'm missing you.

[Chorus]
Like a day without the sun,
Like a night without the stars
A day seems like a thousand years
I'm lost without you

[Verse 4]
When I first met you
Twas too good to be true
This song can't form a rhyme
When I'm missing you.

[Chorus]
Like a day without the sun
Like a night without the stars
A day seems like a thousand years
I'm lost without you

{Verse 5]
Words I should have said
That night on the deck
Now as my tears soak this bed
All I can think of is you.

[Chorus]
Like a day without the sun,
Like a night without stars
A day seems like a thousand years
I'm lost without you.

It's a bit short and it would of been easier to read if it was broken into paragraphs. I couldn't get a feel of the song so it might be a good idea to post the music to go with it.
It's very broken up and only the first couple of lines have any good flow. The word you is repeated to often in then first couple of lines and the lines are a bit spontaneous and don't make much sense.
I recommend revising the lyrics and editing a few things.

I have to agree with Jaetwee. The rhyming was very off. Like, you were constantly rhyming one sound, and only a few stanzas had rhyme scheme going, which makes the poem very broken up. It just didn't flow as nicely as it should have. Also, follow the same pattern when rhyming. Don't go from something such as AA B C to A B A C. I'd deffinitely make it longer too. Like, delve into the story. What happened to the couple? What happened on the deck? Also, was it a boat deck or a deck on a house?

Definite improvement.

Hi there!

I think you did a really good job with this. It flows really well and can be easily set to a tune. Your rhyming is good as well, it was actually quite creative the way you rhymed throughout this piece. There aren't any spelling or grammer errors, so no worries there. There's also good emotion put into this.

Overall this was good. Keep writing!

Hi again, Dolwright!

This song is incredibly sad. It kinda hit me somewhere inside 'cause I know where the speaker's coming from. I can only imagine what they're feeling. SO BASICALLY? Your voice was well done! The song was simple, your style is effective, and you had some very cool moments in here.

I look up and sigh
Fireflies lit the sky
It's no fun being here
When I'm missing you.

This stanza has some good imagery, but when I read it, it's kind of like a firework shot in the air but didn't explode into pretty lights. It just didn't make it all the way. We had fireflies lighting the sky, which is an awesome picture, but I didn't get the impression the speaker was sad until after the fact (after this verse), which would mean the third line didn't seem to fit well. I'd probably reorganize the idea in this bit to make it more effective, and also, I'd like to see this nighttime/firefly scene used more in the song. I think that image could be used extremely well in this song. For instance, try tying it in with that deck scene mentioned at the end.

When I first met you
Twas too good to be true
This song can't form a rhyme
When I'm missing you.

This is probably my biggest nitpick in this song. I feel like this verse is kind of a mess by itself, and thus doesn't quite belong in the song as a whole. The first two lines don't tie in well with the second two, but this could be because I didn't like that third line. Especially since it's not true. xD You rhymed very well in this song, so I've no idea what it's doing here! Probably just a filler line, like it sounded good at the time. Doesn't really have a place here though.

The song made me think that the speaker's significant other is in the military or gone overseas. I'm not sure if that's true for you or a close friend of yours, but if it is, I'd say that person is incredibly strong. And lots of kudos to that significant other for serving their country! I respect all out troops with the utmost... respect. Anyway! If that's not true, I think then that your song is vague enough to fit in multiple situations, and that alone is very awesome. It reaches out to a broader audience then!

Great job on this song, then! I think it can just use a little more polishing to clear up the images and make it more effective with regards to the message at hand. Also, is there a reason the title is in all-caps? I'm going to edit the Subject line for you to lowercase it all, but I'll also add the all-caps title in your original post in case it had any significance.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Is this song meant to be a poem? It seems like a poem from the way that I'm reading it. I like the repetition of that one line

When I'm missing you

I can sense the loneliness and the sadness within the poem when you that there is nothing to say or do. I don't know if this is what you intended, but this is what I got out of the poem:

I am lonely without the one that I love. Things used to be so new, grand, and beautiful. But now, without my other half here, it is not the same. That sense of life is gone because the one who was part of my life is gone.

I think I connected with this poem a lot. It seems so powerful with its simplicity. I truly do love it. If it is not meant to be a poem, then I send my apologies and I would suggest to make it longer, as mentioned before by previous commenters. Good job.

I personally liked this piece a lot. I can relate to just about everything in the song..except for the part about being on the deck and soaking a bed with tears. I didn't really feel this was a song though, like someone before me mentioned it read more like a poem. I say that because it's missing a chorus. Songs usually have a chorus .

There was one thing I did see that was a bit off
YOu wrote "Fireflies lit the sky"
I think it would sound better if you put "Fireflies light the sky"
Lit is the past tense of light whereas the way you use "lit" didn't fit well with me.
But it's a minor suggestion

Frankly, I don't care if poems/songs rhyme at all. As long as I understand what the author is trying to convey.

Hi I love the simplicity of this song, the short lines really worked! You should elaborate a bit and make it longer. Its not the most poetic piece but song writing is flexible so thats ok. One line I didn't like was the one about writing the song and rhyme.To me, this line kind of took the reader back out of the beauty of the song to realise oh it is just a song- I hope that makes sense. I also have this problem with writers talking about how thy write but im not sure why so I may be the only one. Did u mean this is your first attempt at writing a song? Because if so than you've done an incredible job! You've got the emotion all going for you and like I said the simple works ( not always the case!). Well done! Keep writing - rachel

"t's a bit short and it would of been easier to read if it was broken into paragraphs. I couldn't get a feel of the song so it might be a good idea to post the music to go with it.
It's very broken up and only the first couple of lines have any good flow. The word you is repeated to often in then first couple of lines and the lines are a bit spontaneous and don't make much sense.
I recommend revising the lyrics and editing a few things."

I totally agree