Young Writers Society

Verse 1

The fire fiends love to dance
You’ll see them with a passing glance
Their bodies glowing white with light
Like a beacon in the night

You wish they were always there

Refrain

The fiends of flame dance in the fire
They are an object of desire
But don’t go near them, not just yet
They’ll entrance you with their silhouette

Verse 2

You see them swaying in time
To the wind in the pines
They’ve found their mark and off they go
To rein him in from the snow

You wish they were always there

Refrain

Verse 3

Their feet melt the snow with ev’ry step
They smoke the air with heated breath
The fiends delight in the chase
Straight towards the man they race

You wish they were never there

Refrain

Verse 4

The flames reach their intended mark
On his journey, on which he did embark
He feels their heat through his coat
To stay or run to his waiting boat

Indecision, to flee or to stay

Refrain

Verse 5

The decision to flee he did make
To be as slippery as a snake
Ran he did, the fiends still chase
To wrap him with their warm embrace

You wish they were never there

Refrain

Verse 6

The man runs away, the flames approaching
Faster and faster with clever boasting
To the boat he makes and climbs aboard
And sighs, safely with his treasure hoard

You wish they were never there

Refrain

Verse 7

The fiends are angry, their quarry escaped
Into a boat which swims into a cave
Their bodies are white hot with rage
With them he took their hidden phage

You wish they were always there

Refrain

Verse 8

The Fiends of Fire are glowing beasts
But that man bested their heat
Away he ran, from the flames
Yet today, no one knows his name

The nameless walks

Hello there,

In my opinion this is really good mainly because of the creative topic and new way of thinking in this kind of subject matter. It's also good because it is very long and it flows nicely in proportion to the other parts of the song. Also with some poems and songs toward the end they tend to waver away from the original topic and start to move into a different aspect of the original topic which ends up making the whole song just a bit confusing and off balance which doesn't work well. You have avoided this and I get the sense that you are a natural writer. Well done and keep writing this is very good.

From CuteJackRussell

This started off quite good — you had a definite rhythm and the rhymes didn't feel forced — but then you lost the flow and it became obvious that the words you were using were chosen because they rhymed and not because they necessarily made sense. A particularly egregious example is "phage". How can you steal someone's devouring thing or ability to devour?

Things also began getting very repetitious, especially near the end, as if you were padding in an effort to maintain your rhyme, and the odd word inversions didn't help either.

I would suggest cutting out the repetition; there is far too much of it far too close together right now, and while it might not be as noticeable when set to music, it makes the ending of the story incredibly weak. At the same time, you need to expand a little bit more. You spend a lot of time on introducing the fiends as desirable and alluring, but then they're suddenly attacking some random man, except he's not exactly all that random since he stole something from the fiends, who hops into a boat that just happens to be his and there, and though he escapes, he is forgotten. As a result, everything story-wise feels extremely contrived.

Pacing is important in every narrative, and right now, the pacing in this needs a lot of work. The ending is rushed and doesn't make much sense because nothing plot-wise has been solidly introduced, and the character of the man comes out of nowhere and disappears to nowhere.

I suggest restructuring this and focusing more on the story rather than the rhyme or anything. You can always go back and rework lines to fit a rhyme or rhythm scheme, but right now, they need more substance and better pacing than anything else.

I think it started out quite good but you lost it slightly near the end.

One thing I didn't like though, and it actually doesn't matter, is that you've put verse 1...2 and so on. The reader has to put effort into ignoring that rather than being able to concentrate on the poem itself.

I did like it. Although I would work on some of the lines' syllables. Some were spot on and some were a little bit off.

I liked the descriptiveness and the story.

Overall: a great poem, just needs some work with the syllables.

I agree with everyone on this. Some parts were good but I kept getting the idea that this was written by someone younger than 18 because it was just written in such a silly way (perhaps that was intentional). This also had more of a story feel to it rather than a song lyric.

Hey there! Overall I thought this was a good song. Really interesting. I've never seen/heard a song like this before.

Nitpicks:

The fire fiends love to dance
You’ll see them with a passing glance
Their bodies glowing white with light
Like a beacon in the night
You wish they were always there

I love these first four lines. It introduces what the song is going to be about and what these fiends are like and I thought the descriptions were really good.

You see them swaying in time
To the wind in the pines
They’ve found their mark and off they go
To rein him in from the snow
You wish they were always there

First line doesn't fit in with the rhythm to me. "Swaying" is the problem for me but I'm not sure how to fix it. If it sounds rhythmically great to you then I wouldn't worry about it.

The flames reach their intended mark
On his journey, on which he did embark
He feels their heat through his coat
To stay or run to his waiting boat
Indecision, to flee or to stay

I don't like the repetition of "on" in the second line. I think I would take out the second "on". The last line doesn't fit in super well for me. It's so different from the repetition before it and I'm not sure how it fits rhythmically because there are a lot of syllables.

The decision to flee he did make
To be as slippery as a snake
Ran he did, the fiends still chase
To wrap him with their warm embrace
You wish they were never there

The second line isn't that great to me. I feel like you were stretching a little to find a rhyme for "make" so it fits the rhyme scheme and you made "snake" work in for you. Why is he slippery as a snake? When I think of that image I think of someone that's really cunning and manipulative like a criminal or Severus Snape He doesn't appear to be that way to me. The little fiends seem to be the cunning ones.

Yet today, no one knows his name
The nameless walks

Kind of a cool ending to the song but kind of odd. I'm not how it works rhythmically but as long as you can hear it in your head really well, that's the important thing

I liked that you told a story through the song. I think some aspect of the story could have been a little more clear, maybe you can add a couple more stanzas or lines to your current stanzas?
I'm not so sure about repeating the refrain after every stanza. The stanzas are so short and the refrain is so short that I feel like the refrain is going to get really repetitive, really fast. You could have like two verses together into a larger verse before repeating the refrain or some instrumental stuff instead of some of the refrains to get rid of the repetitive stuff.
Overall I thought it was an interesting and cool song. Let me know if you need anything clarified or need anything else!

-Carly

To clear up a few things:

1) I wrote this about 5 years ago, when I was 13, for a school assignment. So of course it won't sound like it came from an 18 year old. The whole idea was to make a song, of a sort.

2) I wrote it in the five minutes we were given for breaks between classes, right before it was due. So it's a little...weird?

3) I'm a novel writer, I am horrible at writing poetry. The only one I'm proud of was one I wrote for a very old friend of mine (again, another I wrote in about 10 minutes. If I don't write them fast I can't write them at all). I may eventually put that one up, but it even disturbs me. I'm good at writing stories with no set length, rules or anything. I wasn't even counting syllables, I truly hate constricting myself for no reason.

4) Because I'm pretty much solely a novel writer, yet I don't have as many readers as I'd like, I kept an eye on the "recent posts." Most of what I saw was getting looked at was poetry, so I simply added a (very) old work of mine to see if it would make a difference. Apparently so.

I'm almost irked because this got more views in the first hour than most of my posted chapters do in a day. Oh well, you know what they say about opinions, everyone's got one...I'm not going to finish that saying. Let's just wrap this up with:
This poem is long dead and I have no desire to change it. It's staying as my cute little memory of when I still retained a shred of innocence before high school and the working world corrupted me ;P