Young Writers Society

Peace lays in rubble
Their lives are stubble
The screams have died
And bones have dried
So little remains
and few have survived

O, the King of Horrors is dead
And on a spike sits our Queen's head
Smote by the enemies without
and by the enemies within
A most beautiful land round about
Left in ruins because of their sins
O, cast your eyes to the silent sky
Collapse your knees to the ash and earth
Pray, your return is not met with cries
For the hopeless have sought no worth
To bring, this, your chance to invoke
Vengeance on them whose kingdom they choked

Soronith, you've come
O, prince what say ye?
The war's foul breath
still winds out death
Please, settle today
Let not your mind betray

The second set of stanzas is where the stanza really shines. There's an anger and sorrow mixed that avoids cliche and melancholy quite well. As a lyrical piece I can see this working, and a solid flow. I do find that many of the rhymes (especially at the start) feel forced and oversimplified in comparison to the second third. But since the transition flows back into the short, punchy lines it still works. The final third doesn't feel like the first third. While the last part is sad and dark and well written the first part is akward and out of place. "the screams have died and bones have dried" when I read lines like this aloud it sounds like someone just making up rhymes to fit it together and it tarnishs the overall power of the piece.

So my advice is to go back and try and find a more impactful and original way to describe this destruction and death in a way that flows into eachother without coming off as forced or tripping up the reader. Sure you can do that.

Solid enough work overall.

This is absolutely amazing! The emotion portrayed here is so strong and the imagery is also very powerful! I love everything about it! Honestly do hope that you'll be making a song out of this, if so, let me know because I'd love to hear it or if you need help with vocals, just let me know! A bridge and good chorus and then obviously a melody is all you need to do xxx