Young Writers Society

Cheers for those two quick reviews. Incredibly sorry for the grammatical mistake, I never proofread the work when it was on notepad, and what with no spell-checker and all :L Cheers for brining that issue to my attention!

Wow, I loved this piece! I didn't notice anything in the lyrics that needed help or editing. Especially how well it was written and I could easily get into the rythme of the song. While imagining the meaning of it, and the over all morale that I got from reading it. I was going through and reading other people's reviews and some were a bit harsh, but in all the things I've postedon YWS there are always those reviews that are harsh, you know we are all different people who write differently and have different opinions. I liked the way you commented to most of the reviews by thanking people and putting other people in their place!
Great job! I loved this piece so much, if it were a real legitimate song I would buy it!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Cheers snickerdooly, I in-boxed toy with a more thorough response

I’ve never reviewed lyrics but I’ve done poetry, so I guess that’s sorta the same? I’m going to try my best to help.

There's just a few little things that's been runnin' through my mind, I know that this is a style thing probably but this line is strange because if it were a sentence, like in a story, it would be “There’s just a few little things that *have* been runnin’ through my mind,” You might want to change this because even if you are going for a certain style it would sound better with music if it was written correctly, especially if it was sung, and not rapped.

and I'm trying not to choke on the lack of evidence I find.

And I cannot comprehend how you've climbed above the rest, Maybe cut out and, that way it flows better and it helps the listener understand what the evidence is pointing to (or the lack there of).

when all you are about is hypocrisy and jest. Again with the flow, I think if you made “you are” into “you’re” it would sound better and wouldn’t be as formal.

It's not the little things that get me, no no sir-ee,

it's the major things you do like condescend to me. Take out the “to” because right now the word condescend isn’t being used correctly.

And I see your eyes avert, forget all the stuff I ever said, I agree with Heather (Kitty15) that cutting out “ever” will help. Or you could say “forget everything I said”.

You left me up there man, yeah you left me for dead Left you where exactly? You said that who ever the singer would be talking about/to has climbed above them. Maybe change the wording around to make it make more sense.

'Cos you forgetting who you were before all the popularity, Going back to the style issue. I don’t know what kind of artist this is written for but if you are going to ever have some one just sing it I would change the first you to “you’re”.

It's not my fault that you lack the gift of clarity.

You're blind to me, and that's never gonna' change.

Stop. Start. No, too late for change. I like this line. It’s simple but it makes a lot of sense going with the rest of the song.

I broke mirrors with my fists, from the anger that I faced, You changed tenses. The first verse was written in present tense and so was the chorus.

What was left was a hole, taken years to be replaced. Either “taking” or “that took” or something because taken means that something was stolen from some one or to control something.

I fell apart then (yeah), on the outside people stared Then at the first part of this line sounds odd. Maybe move it to the very beginning of the line?

And only then did I realise that, not even you cared There shouldn’t be a comma after “that”[/color
]
I carry the scars with me now, on my arms and in my head, [color=#FF0000] I like this line, too(:

But at least you've given me somethin' to write about instead. The rhyming sounds strange here. I know you want ever other line to rhyme but “instead” doesn’t need to be there and it makes the line sound out of context.

My heart shouts at me, saying why's it come to this?

But if only looks could kill, life would be so fucking bliss. [color=#FF0000]“so” should not be here unless you want to put “blissful” but I know you don’t because then it wouldn’t rhyme.

And I see you there with your arm around another,

I wonder how she copes with you being such a brother. I thought this was about a group of people who were like split up in school because someone became popular…Now I’m confused. Where did this come from? There were no references to any kind of sibling rivalry or anything like that in the previous verses or even the chorus.
'Cos you forgetting what we were, what you used to mean to me,

Seems that you prefer the image of your misogyny Misogyny: the hatred of women. Are you sure that’s supposed to be there?

I've said your blind to me, and I guess your not gonna' change “you’re” not “your”
Stop. Start. No. Too late for change.

Okay, this was very confusing. Nowhere in it did I get a clear idea of what this song is about. I noticed that you used a lot of larger words, like misogyny, that seemed to stick out from the rest of this. And I don’t think they are good word choices for a song unless you use them correctly and they blend more into the meaning and the tone of the song. Also, at some times the rhyming seemed really forced, like you couldn't find something to rhyme a word with so you picked odd words that worked slightly but not 100%. My only piece of advice is to make sure you know exactly what this piece is about because I sure didn’t and you want people like me, people who don’t analyze song lyrics often, to be able to clearly understand what is going on. They will be the ones listening to these words. Good luck fixing/tweaking this. I hope I helped and that I wasn’t too harsh(; PM me if you have any questions or concerns.

~peanut~

Hi! Thanks for waiting! I'm happy to fulfill your request at any time, honestly! But with Review Day coming up (and a huge review count record to break), I wanted to save it for Sunday.

Now I'm not much of a lyricist, but hopefully I still have some helpful points? Then again, I read that you weren't planning on editing this (any time soon anyway). I hope you reconsider this. The best part in writing or creating is editing, putting the final touches on it, and making a final piece of art worth being proud of!

Anyway, the angsty bit was already mentioned more than once. So I won't go into that. There were a few lines and phrases that seemed extremely out of place, considering the tone/voice.

It's not the little things that get me, no no sir-ee,

That last bit seemed out of place. I didn't much like it. It seemed too playful of a phrase to put in this [angry] song.

You're blind to me, and that's never gonna' change.

Stop. Start.No, too late for change

The last line here seemed to stand out as well. Granted, it probably works best with whatever music you had. But it's the only line in the entire song that has this sort of style to it. I'm not sure if that's typical in songs like this or not. xD I don't usually study lyrics. Plus, the two lines don't rhyme. They just end on the same word, and that's a personal nit-pick of mine. Perhaps play with that?

I guess those were the only parts that stood out to me. xD

So your MC is very, uh.. angry. This wouldn't be a song I'd typically listen to. The fact that he's breaking things because an ex-friend is making fun of him makes me clench my teeth. I know how it feels to lose a friend who suddenly doesn't respect me as they once had, but when the second verse comes round, it's really just disturbing how angry they are. oh! Maybe if you threw in some examples as to how the friend's condescending the speaker? Like... build an attachment between listener and singer. I don't care at all for this person, which is probably why I find parts of this song annoying. The song just says he's angry. Period. So try doing something like the second verse, only go into depth with how much this friend changed. Really convince the listener that there's a reason to be angry.

I guess that was my biggest concern here. I grew no attachment to the singer, and that seemed to ruin the experience for me. Maybe you'll think of a way to edit the song with that in mind. Or maybe it's just null and void. xD Either way, I think it's a great start to an excellent song. Don't give up on editing your work.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Deff dont change it. Ive tried changing songs. It just screws it up. so im just layin down the facts here.

You struggled in the beginning but as the song continued it smoothed out and rolled better. You mixed cliche with original, and got quite a unique blend. Some words dont belong, others need to stay no matter what. The topic is actually very cliche but you didn't generalize it. The personalization kept it alone among the many pieces about this. It was a fantastic piece, and yet, it wasnt. If you catch my drift. Congrats on vthe fearuring!

Ps: you seem to be alot like me. You voice your distaste with what others say in a watered down sophisticated way. Sometimes you hate what they think, but you take it in stride and try to brush it off, at least on the outside. But its not on the inside. Not as easy. Very defensive of your work because it is personal. Believe me, i know how you feel.

Well i liked the song. Im sure it sounds better sung, but hey, its still really good. Great job

peanut19 wrote:I’ve never reviewed lyrics but I’ve done poetry, so I guess that’s sorta the same? I’m going to try my best to help.

There's just a few little things that's been runnin' through my mind, I know that this is a style thing probably but this line is strange because if it were a sentence, like in a story, it would be “There’s just a few little things that *have* been runnin’ through my mind,” You might want to change this because even if you are going for a certain style it would sound better with music if it was written correctly, especially if it was sung, and not rapped.

and I'm trying not to choke on the lack of evidence I find.

And I cannot comprehend how you've climbed above the rest, Maybe cut out and, that way it flows better and it helps the listener understand what the evidence is pointing to (or the lack there of).

when all you are about is hypocrisy and jest. Again with the flow, I think if you made “you are” into “you’re” it would sound better and wouldn’t be as formal.

It's not the little things that get me, no no sir-ee,

it's the major things you do like condescend to me. Take out the “to” because right now the word condescend isn’t being used correctly.

And I see your eyes avert, forget all the stuff I ever said, I agree with Heather (Kitty15) that cutting out “ever” will help. Or you could say “forget everything I said”.

You left me up there man, yeah you left me for dead Left you where exactly? You said that who ever the singer would be talking about/to has climbed above them. Maybe change the wording around to make it make more sense.

'Cos you forgetting who you were before all the popularity, Going back to the style issue. I don’t know what kind of artist this is written for but if you are going to ever have some one just sing it I would change the first you to “you’re”.

It's not my fault that you lack the gift of clarity.

You're blind to me, and that's never gonna' change.

Stop. Start. No, too late for change. I like this line. It’s simple but it makes a lot of sense going with the rest of the song.

I broke mirrors with my fists, from the anger that I faced, You changed tenses. The first verse was written in present tense and so was the chorus.

What was left was a hole, taken years to be replaced. Either “taking” or “that took” or something because taken means that something was stolen from some one or to control something.

I fell apart then (yeah), on the outside people stared Then at the first part of this line sounds odd. Maybe move it to the very beginning of the line?

And only then did I realise that, not even you cared There shouldn’t be a comma after “that”[/color
]
I carry the scars with me now, on my arms and in my head, [color=#FF0000] I like this line, too(:

But at least you've given me somethin' to write about instead. The rhyming sounds strange here. I know you want ever other line to rhyme but “instead” doesn’t need to be there and it makes the line sound out of context.

My heart shouts at me, saying why's it come to this?

But if only looks could kill, life would be so fucking bliss. [color=#FF0000]“so” should not be here unless you want to put “blissful” but I know you don’t because then it wouldn’t rhyme.

And I see you there with your arm around another,

I wonder how she copes with you being such a brother. I thought this was about a group of people who were like split up in school because someone became popular…Now I’m confused. Where did this come from? There were no references to any kind of sibling rivalry or anything like that in the previous verses or even the chorus.
'Cos you forgetting what we were, what you used to mean to me,

Seems that you prefer the image of your misogyny Misogyny: the hatred of women. Are you sure that’s supposed to be there?

I've said your blind to me, and I guess your not gonna' change “you’re” not “your”
Stop. Start. No. Too late for change.

Okay, this was very confusing. Nowhere in it did I get a clear idea of what this song is about. I noticed that you used a lot of larger words, like misogyny, that seemed to stick out from the rest of this. And I don’t think they are good word choices for a song unless you use them correctly and they blend more into the meaning and the tone of the song. Also, at some times the rhyming seemed really forced, like you couldn't find something to rhyme a word with so you picked odd words that worked slightly but not 100%. My only piece of advice is to make sure you know exactly what this piece is about because I sure didn’t and you want people like me, people who don’t analyze song lyrics often, to be able to clearly understand what is going on. They will be the ones listening to these words. Good luck fixing/tweaking this. I hope I helped and that I wasn’t too harsh(; PM me if you have any questions or concerns.

~peanut~

I'll have to work backwards, it appears easier. Anyway...

Although yes, misogyny in a complete sense is the hatred of women, it is frequently used to suggest the objectification of women, i.e. a lack of respect for an individual.

As for all the grammatical corrections, I had stated prior to the lyrics that they were written as a rap, and as much as I enjoy trawling through grammatical corrections, I do not feel they add anything to proceeding, especially when others have pursued such a route; and that it is clear, at least to others that such 'mistakes' are deliberate. (This goes for comma's as well.)

With regards to the meaning, others have been able to infer meaning correctly, but I guess this is largely down to an individuals own persona. And yes, I can fully understand where you say that some lyrics don't completely fit, like I said, the lyrics were written a long time ago, and although I had begun to amend them with a friend, this is an unaltered original. With the beat that myself and him produced however, the lyrics did seem to fit, and the rhyme scheme was clear and simple enough to add something to the flow, without jeopardising the integrity of it altogether.

With reference to the 'brother' query, I am aware that this sound out of place, it would make more sense perhaps if the word were in quotations. This term was meant to carry on from the 'misogynistic' theme. I hope that's clearer now.

The 'condescend' line is grammatically correct as far as I am aware. This may however be a Atlantic difference!

Cheers for taking the time to review this. Unfortunately I doubt I will edit it as of yet, perhaps in the distant future, but thank you none the less.

BetaTested

JabberHut wrote:Hi! Thanks for waiting! I'm happy to fulfill your request at any time, honestly! But with Review Day coming up (and a huge review count record to break), I wanted to save it for Sunday.

Now I'm not much of a lyricist, but hopefully I still have some helpful points? Then again, I read that you weren't planning on editing this (any time soon anyway). I hope you reconsider this. The best part in writing or creating is editing, putting the final touches on it, and making a final piece of art worth being proud of!

Anyway, the angsty bit was already mentioned more than once. So I won't go into that. There were a few lines and phrases that seemed extremely out of place, considering the tone/voice.

It's not the little things that get me, no no sir-ee,

That last bit seemed out of place. I didn't much like it. It seemed too playful of a phrase to put in this [angry] song.

You're blind to me, and that's never gonna' change.

Stop. Start.No, too late for change

The last line here seemed to stand out as well. Granted, it probably works best with whatever music you had. But it's the only line in the entire song that has this sort of style to it. I'm not sure if that's typical in songs like this or not. xD I don't usually study lyrics. Plus, the two lines don't rhyme. They just end on the same word, and that's a personal nit-pick of mine. Perhaps play with that?

I guess those were the only parts that stood out to me. xD

So your MC is very, uh.. angry. This wouldn't be a song I'd typically listen to. The fact that he's breaking things because an ex-friend is making fun of him makes me clench my teeth. I know how it feels to lose a friend who suddenly doesn't respect me as they once had, but when the second verse comes round, it's really just disturbing how angry they are. oh! Maybe if you threw in some examples as to how the friend's condescending the speaker? Like... build an attachment between listener and singer. I don't care at all for this person, which is probably why I find parts of this song annoying. The song just says he's angry. Period. So try doing something like the second verse, only go into depth with how much this friend changed. Really convince the listener that there's a reason to be angry.

I guess that was my biggest concern here. I grew no attachment to the singer, and that seemed to ruin the experience for me. Maybe you'll think of a way to edit the song with that in mind. Or maybe it's just null and void. xD Either way, I think it's a great start to an excellent song. Don't give up on editing your work.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hi there Jabber, and cheers for taking the time to review this!

With regards to editing, I think you have hit the nail on the head there. I have kind of distanced myself from this particular work somewhat, and can see why alot of flaws that need ironing out; but I do feel that because of the time between writing this piece and submission that any edits to the work will be done later, and perhaps uploaded as an entirely new work.

The playful line, I like the way you put that by the way, I think is kind of necessary. Juxtaposition in anything helps to highlight a point, or bring something into the limelight etc, I won't bore you with analogies! However, talking of juxtaposition, I do feel you are so very right with my second verse. Very angsty indeed... what was I thinking xD. Perhaps a third verse itself could help to see of some of the anger?

The "stop start" section I think is good as it stands, I can see where you are coming from with this, however there are plenty of songs, poems and raps that use this format amongst a rhyme scheme. If I were to edit it like you say, I would most likely change the penultimate line there.

Cheers once again for taking the time to review this. Much appreciated!

BetaTested

VousEsEtonnant wrote:Deff dont change it. Ive tried changing songs. It just screws it up. so im just layin down the facts here.

You struggled in the beginning but as the song continued it smoothed out and rolled better. You mixed cliche with original, and got quite a unique blend. Some words dont belong, others need to stay no matter what. The topic is actually very cliche but you didn't generalize it. The personalization kept it alone among the many pieces about this. It was a fantastic piece, and yet, it wasnt. If you catch my drift. Congrats on vthe fearuring!

Ps: you seem to be alot like me. You voice your distaste with what others say in a watered down sophisticated way. Sometimes you hate what they think, but you take it in stride and try to brush it off, at least on the outside. But its not on the inside. Not as easy. Very defensive of your work because it is personal. Believe me, i know how you feel.

Well i liked the song. Im sure it sounds better sung, but hey, its still really good. Great job

Thanks very much!!

I must have written this song when I was about your age, so the similarity is entirely possible. Any distaste however is my attempts to let the topic slide, although I am grateful for the praise that people have had for this piece, I do feel that I haven't done myself justice with it, mainly because of the nature of the lyrics themselves.

Cheers for taking the time to look at the work and the like (I think it was you!!).

BetaTested

There's just a few little things that's been runnin' through my mind,

and I'm trying not to choke on the lack of evidence I find.

And I cannot comprehend how you've climbed above the rest,

when all you are about is hypocrisy and jest.

It's not the little things that get me, no no sir-ee,

it's the major things you do like condescend to me.

And I see your eyes avert, forget all the stuff I ever said,

You left me up there man, yeah you left me here for dead

(Chorus)

'Cos you're forgetting who you were before all the popularity,

It's not my fault that you lack the gift of clarity,

You're blind to me, and that's never gonna' change.

Stop. Start. No, it's too late for change



I broke mirrors with my fists, from the anger that I faced,

What was left was a hole, taken years to be replaced.

I fell apart then (yeah), on the outside people stared,

And only then did I realize that, you didn't even care

I carry the scars with me now, on my arms and in my head,

But at least you've given me somethin' to write about instead.

My heart shouts at me, saying "why's it come to this?"

But if only looks could kill, life would be so fucking bliss.

(Chorus)

'Cos you forgetting who you were before all the popularity,

It's not my fault that you lack the gift of clarity.

You're blind to me, and that's never gonna' change.

Stop. Start. No, it's too late for change

And I see you there with your arm around another,

I wonder how she copes with you being such a brother.

'Cos you're forgetting what we were, what you used to mean to me,

Seems that you prefer the image of your misogyny

I've said you're blind to me, and I guess your not gonna' change

Stop. Start. No, it's too late for change.


Hey BT! I reviewed your lyrics, and they're really good! The stuff in red, I think you should take out, and the stuff in purple are the changes I would make. You're an amazing lyric writer, keep coming out with this good stuff!!

I really like your lyrics. I really wish I could hear this with music because I think it would be a great song. I don't think you really need to improve on anything, but that's just me. My favorite part is

I carry the scars with me now, on my arms and in my head,

But at least you've given me somethin' to write about instead.

My heart shouts at me, saying "why's it come to this?"

But if only looks could kill, life would be so fucking bliss.

I can really relate to the 'if looks could kill' thing, and that's one of the great things about these lyrics. Anyone could find at least one line that they can really relate to. That's pretty much all I have to say for now, but I'm looking forward to reading your other stuff!

Hey You're friend is certainly very persistent I haven't read all the other reviews so my apologies if i say any of the same stuff. I really liked this! i think it had just the right amount of poetry and it flowed and rhymed nicely without seeming forced. It seems you have a kind of talent and hopefully you can match this writing ability with (i'm not sure if its a rap or not? but if its not) a good tune and beat and you'll have yourself a rocking song. I really love your verses, i wouldn't change a thing about them. However the start of the chorus

'Cos you're forgetting who you were before all the popularity

seems to jar the song a little, it's too long for a starting line of a chorus and it just doesn't seem to flow. Also it's not the most inspiring of your lines. But that said understand it may be of utter importance to the meaning of the song, also it might flow better with music. My favourite part is

Stop. Start. No, it's too late for change

and i don't even know why? I mean you used the word change in the line before and i didn't even notice. These short sharp lines are what define and really make a chorus so well done! I also adore this line:

I broke mirrors with my fists, from the anger that I faced,

. I have no more criticisms to make i think it's brilliant! Better than anything i could write so well done, you seem to have that natural ability to make words flow like music, so well done keep writing.

I am so upset with this peice...... I want to hear it, now. Lol.
This peice was amazing, I loved the flow. The rhyming pattern was close to perfection.




"I broke mirrors with my fists, from the anger that I faced,

What was left was a hole, taken years to be replaced.

I fell apart then (yeah), on the outside people stared

And only then did I realise that, not even you cared

I carry the scars with me now, on my arms and in my head,

But at least you've given me somethin' to write about instead.

My heart shouts at me, saying why's it come to this?

But if only looks could kill, life would be so fucking bliss."



This is my favorite part of the lyrics, its profound and raw, it takes my breathe away.

But, there is a one thing I'd like to comment on. The chorus was weak, it needs to pull the song together, be more detailed and explanatory. The meaning of the song should be absorbed by the listener or reader by the chorus, which is why choruses are repeated. I'd add more to the chorus in my opinion, but thats just me.

Excellent job writing, and keep creating art like this.----DaRiEN

It was great and I loved it! I wasn’t so sure about the rhyming you did though. not every single line has to rhyme with the line before or after it, all you need is the sound and a point to rap, don’t make it complicated. Like others said it needs some editing, proof reading, and grammar check.

Sorry I haven't replied in ages. I've been doing exams at college, so just had to prioritise. Anyway, back to this.

Thanks to everyone, especially for the recent comments, lots of praise and constructive criticism, it's kinda making me think I may to have to refine this, and kick a beat to it, may find out it is one to be proud of after all.

As for the questions, yeah it is rap sung, so the chorus would be a great deal slower than the verses, but I agree with the consensus that the chorus sucks, the only part I really like is the last line, something that I think other people like, but in truth, writing a chorus less song is alot easier, choruses really have to stand up on themselves, but be punchy short and memorable. They are just tricky.

Thanks again people!

BetaTested!