In four months I've changed; grown smarter, more aware Four months since I've seen you, been a sick girl in love. In four months I've decided, You're not the man for me.
All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them. -- Walt Disney
Hey, Elinor! There's one thing I recommend for you to experiment with during NaPo, and that's poetic language. Try using some similes or metaphors to enhance your descriptions, or make the words sound interesting together because of they're combined with each other. ^_^
Good luck!
-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants are you a green room knight yet? have you read this week's Squills?
I liked the idea of this new poem, but the problem was I didn't even understand that it was about a rainy day until the last stanza. And of course the title, but I didn't really read that.
The ice-cold orange soda you drink The solitude; It calms you.
The quiet drops that hit your arms, and the light and windy breeze. Still very warm indeed.
You see, you only mention the rain ONCE, and that's not enough for the reader to soak it in. Even if you didn't mention the rain again, you'd at least have to create the atmosphere. The ice-cold soda makes me think it's hot and sunny and bright (because the orange is a bright color), and that doesn't really fit with what you're telling me. If you revisit this poem, try to work some darker colors and rain-words in.
-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants are you a green room knight yet? have you read this week's Squills?
I've gone this far, I've learned so much. You've been my teacher, You've been my friend. You helped me achieve the impossible, And now I'm ready to face what lies in store, To apply the skills you've taught me. And I will never forget you.
All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them. -- Walt Disney
Confined to linen sheets; out of school for the day. you cough and blow your nose, and can barely say a word. Cheap entertainment helps the day pass by, until you'll be well enough to rise.
All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them. -- Walt Disney
Clocks center around them Oblivious to the outside world. Utopia is far from the place with the ticking bomb Not a chance for it to freeze Tension rises when people attempt to stop it Death comes to those near it Often it contains complicated structures Wonders would be worked if the hero could stop it No seconds will soon be left
All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them. -- Walt Disney
Elinor! This is a really interesting idea and I like it, but I think it would be even cooler if you could somehow write this poem and have the sentences overlap through the letters instead of writing one description for each line. If you made it smoother, like writing a normal poem, you might find that you use words that start with those letters automatically and you can just slide them into place instead of having the letters control your poem.
PM me if you have any questions~
:3
-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants are you a green room knight yet? have you read this week's Squills?
By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return. — Genesis 3:19
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