Fairytales From Hell

As a few of you may know, I enjoy doing this:

Once upon a time, there was a pumpkin who wanted to be a real boy! So he lied to everyone that he was, and pumpkins began to get confused with people. To end this, a fairy cursed the pumpkin's vines to grow whenever he lied. So the pumpkin lied up a storm and strangled the fairy with his overgrown vines. The end!

In short, you screw up well known stories, fables, fairytales, et cetera. Then name a well known story, fable, fairytale, etc. and the person below you would screw it up. Mine was Pinocchio. Now, go!

the three little pigs

Once upon a time, three little pigs built their houses.
The first little piggy built his house out of straw, a wolf came along and ripped it to shreds before eating the first piggy.
The second little piggy built his house out of sticks, the wolf knocked it over and ate the little piggy.
The third piggy didn't build a house, he took his iron and built four automated sentry guns, two sniper nests, 8 grenades and 16 small caliber handguns.

The wolf ate lead. (was probably full anyways.)

Cinderella, I dare you

I know its long but I was bored and I kind of got carried away. But anyways enjoy




The beauty behind the mask ran down the stairs in such a rush she didn’t even stop to pick up her glass slipper.
The prince hurried after her, but he was too late. Im going to find her he thought, I’ll try this on every maid in my kingdom. And whoever this slipper fits must be her.
So the next day the prince set of to search for his true love. He had visited many houses none of them had a maiden that fit into the slipper. He was about to give when he came to one last house. He got out of his carriage, walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell; a middle aged woman opened the door. She bowed her head to the prince, “your Majesty” the woman said “madam, I have come to try on this slipper on every eligible maiden in this house.” the woman smiled “well there are two young ladies that live here, please come in.” the lady took the prince to the living room and called out for her two daughters. “These are my daughters Drizella and Anastasia” the woman said. The prince tried the slipper on the first young lady, Drizella but the shoe did not fit. Then he tried the slipper on the other young lady Anastasia.
Anastasia: There. I knew it was my slipper. Exactly my size. I always wear the same size. As soon as I saw it, I said...
[the Prince lifts up her foot, revealing that the shoe just barely covers one toe]
Anastasia: Oh. Well, it-it may be a little snug today. You know how it is, dancing all night. I can't understand why.
[The Prince tries to hammer the shoe on]
Anastasia: It's always fit perfectly before....hu see it fits.
The prince stood up. “Anastasia it looks like you will be my bride.” Just then another young lady ran down the stairs
Cinderella: You’re Grace. You’re Grace. Please, wait. May I try it on?
Stepmother: Oh. Pay no attention to HER.
Anastasia: It's only Cinderella.
Drizella: Our scullery maid...
Anastasia: From the kitchen.
Drizella: She's out of her mind.
Stepmother: Yes, yes. Just an imaginative child!
Im sorry miss but Anastasia has already proven that this is her slipper. Good bye.
And just like that Cinderella watched at her prince walked out of her house arm in arm with Anastasia. The ugly step sister and the prince lived happily never after

the end

Little red riding hood

Once upon a time little red riding hood was on her way to visit her grandmother when she heard something in the woods. She reached into her picnic basket and pulled out some pepper spray, after considering it she put it back and pulled out a stun gun. Still no good, she put that away and pulled out a 9mm Beretta 92fs. This still wasn't good enough for little red riding hood. So instead she pulled out her M16.

"I packed all the puny weapons today" she said to herself as she revealed an RPG from under her cloak.

After going through 24 other deadly weapons, the little girl settled on a gatling gun that she'd gotten for her ninth birthday. Loading it up with custom high velocity hollow point bullets, she proceeded to blast away the tree that the big bad wolf was hiding behind, leaving nothing but sawdust and liquified wolf.

Then she skipped merrily on her way.

ooh, ooh! Do Rumpelstiltskin!

I love Rumpelstiltskin it like my favourite!!!!

Rumpelstiltskin: I'm going to take your baby if you don’t guess my name in 30 seconds
Mother: Ummmmm is it Jake or James or Luke or Steven
Rumpelstiltskin: No no no and no
Mother: Its Rumpelstiltskin isn’t it
Rumpelstiltskin: Pffft no tttppptft who told you that.
[Rumpelstiltskin points behind mother] “What’s that over there?”
[Rumpelstiltskin jumps through the window with baby]

[Mother still looking for what Rumpelstiltskin was supposedly pointing at]

[b]Confictura Yours was really good. Im no good at this but its fun [/b]

what about.... The Gingerbread Man

The baker pulled his freshly baked product from the oven, but was slightly surprised to see the gingerbread man jump up and shout "Catch me if you ca-" but he was unfortunately cut off as the baker grabbed the gingerbread man and carried him over to the T.V. with a glass of milk and several oreos...

The end.

That one was rushed, but still pretty twisted if you think about it

Snow white?

“Mirror mirror on the wall who the most beautiful of them all” said the evil queen. “Dopey is the most beautiful of them all” said the magical mirror. The queen suddenly got very angry and made a plan to blast Dopey’s head of. “Mmmwwaaahahaha” the queen cackled, “I'm going to shoot him in the head. The queen set of into the woods to find the dwarfs cottage. When the queens go there she disguised herself as an old hag and went into the house and saw 8 beds with each with a dwarf sleeping in one. There was drunkie, smelly, dopey, snowwhitey, smarty, silly, crazy and lazy. Then the evil queen walked over to Dopey bed woke him up and said “ostalavista baby” and shot him with her magical blaster gun.

hansel and gretel

"Come in, little ones," spoke the witch through a sardonic grin. She was quite chubby. "Everything this house is made of is edible. Everything is edible in the forest, too. This is my forest."

Hansel glanced over at Gretel in excitement. "Everything?" he whispered, voice quavering.

"From the sounds of it, yes." Gretel returned her brother's eager grin. Then she looked to the witch. "Everything?" she asked in an even tone."

"Yes, everything." This lit up the faces of the siblings with anticipation. The witch's eyes held a spark of satisfaction and victory. Both siblings stared at her.

Gretel tapped her foot thrice, and on the third tap, screamed "NOW!" Two young children morphed into a toothy, scary animals with huge canines. Those suckers tore through her skin like a hot knife through butter. She tasted very good to both of them, though they got food poinsoning soon after.

Alice in Wonderland!

Alice sat beside a tree, thinking to herself of worlds of fancy. It just so happened that her eyes caught sight of a small rabbit carrying in his little mits, an eyeglass and a ticking clock. How strange, she thought, that such a thing should happen!

She instantly followed, skipping along in a merry pattern, smiling all the while.

Then she reached the rabbit hole where the rabbit had disappeared. Without second guessing herself, she followed but soon found that the rabbit hole itself was far to small for human passage. She got stuck.

And couldn't get unstuck.

So she starved to death. The end .

Rupunzel!

"Rupunzel, RUPUNZEL, let down your golden hair!" the prince shouted.
Alas, poor Rupunzel had no hair, for the woman keeping her captive had recently gone bald duee to the stress of keeping her garden thief safe, and had forced Rupunzel to cut her hair so she could make a wig.

Fortunatly there were vines growing up Rupunzel's tower, and the Prince foolishly - without any health insurance - decided to climb the vines, in attemt to save Rupunzel.

Of course he fell.

And crashed into a handy thorn bush, gouging his eyes out.

Alarmed, Rupunzel rushed down the steps of the tower and through the unlocked door. Now, Rupunzel had heard the famous stories of a Maiden's tears, healing any wound instantly, and wanted to try it out for herself. Remembering she had been born without tear ducts, she gave up, what the hell was the weirdo trying to do when he stared at her through the window? She should call the police.

Suddenly, a stampede of angry dwarves came rushing towards them with pickaxes, after around five minutes of torture,
they both died from being hacked to death, that and the eerie, mentally scarring song they sang...

Do not worry, all seven dwarves have been found and arrested with a life time sentence, now the Evil Step-Mother rules the land.


xD Sleeping Beauty

AH! I totally want to watch that movie now… but anywho… this sort of long


The prince had traveled for months to reach the tower where the sleeping beauty was… well, sleeping. Surprised to find no dragon to defeat, he climbed the tower, and found the beauty, sleeping peacefully. He leaned in, and kissed her lightly on the lips. His body collapsed on the floor, as dead-asleep as the princess.
“Oh no, not another one,” was the first sound the prince heard when he woke up. He was in some sort dimension where there was… nothing. Just whiteness. And a beautiful princess, that is.
“My lady! Where are we?” He asked, utterly confused.
She shrugged, looking bitter, “Some freaky dream world I suppose…” she sighed, “I’ve been waiting for years for my prince to come and rescue me…”
“But, dear princess, I have come to rescue you!” he insisted.
She scoffed, “You’re not my prince. This isn’t a free-for-all for god’s sake. It’s just like the sword in the stone, or whatever. Only one true prince can awaken me from my sleep.”
He stared at her, horribly confused, “And… what happens to me?”
“I guess you’re stuck here with the rest of them,” she gestured towards a dozen or so rather bored looking princes standing a few yards away. They waved vaguely.
“… I didn’t see their bodies in your bedchamber,” the prince pointed out.
“Oh, the dragon will be around soon enough...”

Whoooops, forgot to give a new one...

How about... The Princess and the Pea?

I went a little overboard. That's fine, though, several other's have too! And it's fun.
-
"The final test is tomorrow! Now rest well; you'll want to be at peak condition when you face the final test," the Queen advised the last two contendants. The girls glanced at each other. The young maiden, who knew she wasn't a princess, couldn't stand the thought of the real princess marrying the prince. Her eyes would slit when she'd look at somebody, and her smile was that of a snake.

A maid led them to their bedchambers. They both would sleep in the same room, but their beds were on opposite walls. Many, many mattresses were piled on top of each other, nearly reaching the ceiling, but leaving plenty of room. The girls' let their jaws drop.

"There are twenty mattresses for each of you," said the maid. "The Queen wanted you both to sleep well. The sheets are satin. There is a ladder for each of you as well." The maid then left them.

The young maiden found her ladder and climbed up and into the bed. There was a window carved in stone a foot above her head. The bed was soft and warm, more luxurious than any she had ever slept in. However, no matter how she tossed and turned, there was something about the bed that made it uncomfortable to her.

When she reached for her ladder, it wasn't there. The real princess stood at the foot of her rival's bed, smiling her snake smile. A candle set her face alight with an eerie glow.

"Good night," she whispered, and held the candle to the bed so the flame clung to the fabric and jumped from mattress to mattress. Terrified, the young maiden crawled to the window carved in stone and leapt out, falling six stories into the moat below. The water hit her with surprising force, snapping the bones in her neck, ribs, arms, and legs. Her broken body met with the eagerly awaiting mouths of hungry crocodiles.

In the morning, a maid was sent to wake the last two contendants and inquire about their quality of sleep. She opened the door to find a pile of ash and a contented, sleeping princess, her lips curled up in a snake's smile.
-
Beauty and the Beast!