Fairytales From Hell

Beauty and the Beast:
Once upon a time, an ugly prince named Horatio was kind to an enchantress, who cursed him with a magnificently handsome face, vowing that it would not return to its regular state unless he learned to be cruel and unfeeling. Suddenly, every girl in the world was in love with him and he had only to choose a beautiful bride to be happy. However, as he was walking in the city streets, blowing kisses to random girls, he came upon a dogfaced maiden. He recoiled in disgust at her appearance and said, "Wow, did you fall from heaven? 'Cause your face is effed up."
In that moment, the curse was broken and he reverted once more to his ugly, nasty form. The only girl in the entire world willing to marry him was the dogfaced girl, who turned out to be a witch and used Horatio as a sacrifice one full moon so she could turn into a werewolf and terrorize the city.
And she lived happily ever after until the monster hunters came and shot her dead.
The end.

The tortoise and the hare.

"Letsraceletsraceletsrace!" said Hare bobbing up and down eagerly.
"Oh, this is just so typical. There's a tortoise and there's a hare, so they have to race. Like its some goddamn unwritten law of nature, you speciest bastard."
"Come on, it'll be fun!" said the Hare, "Winner gets to destroy loser with weapon of mass destruction of winners choice."
They squared up at the start line, then set off. Hare ran at a furious pace, not looking back, utterly concentrated on the race. As he completed a lap of the circular track, and arrived at the finish line, he saw that Tortoise was already there.
"How did you do it? I didn't see you overtake me."
"Quantum physics, dumbass."
Hare disappeared into a tiny mushroom cloud.

Do Jack and the Beanstalk next.

"Belle," the Beast said, "you came back."

"Of course I cam back!" Belle said. "I had to make sure you didn't harm Gaston."

Wait. What?

"I mean, how could I marry him if you, like, killed him?" she continued. "Gaston? Oh, Gaston! Are you alright?"

"Wait--why--?" the Beast asked helplessly. "I thought--I thought you--I thought we--"

Belle laughed.

"What??? How could I ever love a monster when someone as dashing as Gaston loves me? Besides, he's rich."

"But--but I'm rich too... I'm a prince..."

"Yeah, and hideous. Maybe you should use some of your wealth to buy some plastic surgery."

Gaston and Belle laughed maniacally and walked away, holding hands, as the Beast groaned in despair. Now he would never break the spell. But it did make him feel a little better when he saw Belle and Gaston walk right over the edge of the castle wall. That's what blind love will do to you.

A beautiful blond figure came out of nowhere.

"Oh gosh!" it said. It was one of the three girls who forever swooned over Gaston. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm dying," the Beast said sorrowfully.

"Oh no!" the girl pouted. "But I was hoping that maybe we could get together!"

The Beast raised his massive head hopefully.

"You were?" he asked.

"Well, yeah. I mean, I love you. I followed Gaston here with the villagers when they came to kill you, but he's really a jerk, and he's marrying Belle now anyways - well, actually, I guess he's not, 'cuz they're dead now, but he meant to, so there was no hope for me - and, you know, you're kind of cute. You know, in a beastly kind of way."

"I am?" the Beast asked, trying to look as beastly as possible.

"Yeah. I mean, I kind of have a thing for hairy men. It's just so - masculine. And the way you nearly threw Gaston off the roof? Super sexy!"

"Oh, hey, well," said the Beast, trying to take this all in. She'd already said she loved him, so maybe... "What do you know? I think I love you too. I have always liked curvy blonds."

The girl clapped her hands together.

"Really? That's great! Let's get married."

"Okay," the Beast said, and sparks fell from the sky, transforming him human again just as the last petal fell from the Enchanted Rose. He and the blond girl got married and danced through the palace and lived happily ever after, despite all the newly un-enchanted castle servants scratching their head in confusion and wondering whatever happened to Belle.

THE END.


That was fun. ^_^

Okay, how about...the Little Mermaid!

Dash it all. Sorry. Beauty and the Beast was the last one I saw, cuz I didn't realize there was a second page. Oh well.

So I guess you have a choice between Jack and the Beanstalk and the Little Mermaid...

Hmm, I'll do both!
The Mermaid and the Beanstalk

Once there was a poor farmboy named Jack. He had been sent to market to sell the family cow and bring back a fortune, but business had been slow and on the way back that night he'd been accosted by robbers who beat him up and stole his cow.
Dejected and sore, he walked along the seashore on his way back home and wondered what he would tell his mother.
He almost didn't notice the naked girl wandering around with a dazed expression on her face. When he did notice her, he said, "Hello nurse!" and asked her if she needed help.
She shook her head, but didn't say anything. He asked her lots of questions, but she pointed to her mouth, shook her head and in general indicated that she could not speak.
"Oh well, I guess I can live with that." Jack said, and took her home to meet his family, who all liked her instantly and began arranging a wedding that very night.
They got married by the sea shore and just as they got to the "I do"s a giant tentacle broke the surface of the waves and pulled Jack under (the sea monster couldn't see anything and just grabbed the first person it came upon).
The hot chick pantomimed distress and sadness, but there was nothing to be done.
Suddenly, one of the wedding guests piped up that his present was magic beans (they're superstitious peasants, what do you expect?). They planted the beans and nothing happened. Dejected, everyone went home, never expecting to see Jack ever again.
The hot chick, however, spent her night outside, weeping for her lost love. She awoke atop a giant beanstalk that had grown, oddly, from pumpkin seeds. She looked at her surroundings with wonder, since she was in the middle of a large, opulent castle being watched curiously by a giant. The hot chick resourcefully did her best to pantomime her story, but succeeded only in making the giant confused.
Finally, she gave up and started down the beanstalk. The giant, mesmerized by her exquisite beauty, tried to follow her. She didn't notice that the giant was climbing down the beanstalk, so in grief-stricken passion she chopped it down as soon as she got to the ground. The giant, only halfway down at the time, suddenly found himself falling. His eyes widened in terror as he plunged into the ocean, still clutching the beanstalk.
Once in the water, the giant found itself facing a giant octopus-mermaid with freaky hair. She had discovered that the person she'd grabbed was not the hot chick, so she had come back to remedy this mistake and return Jack. She assessed the situation at a glance and leapt to the conclusion that the giant was guarding the shore since her last visit.
She attacked without a moment's notice and an epic sea battle ensued.
In the confusion, Jack was thrown out of the water and flew directly into the arms of his beloved mute hot chick. At that moment, the giant stabbed down at the hideous octopus-mermaid and killed her, releasing the hot chick from her spell of silence and restoring her once more to her mermaiden form.
She tried to explain everything to Jack, but he didn't understand mermish. They took a moment to consider their feelings for each other and the many challenges they would likely face, then they decided they might as well risk it. So they called up a minister and got married on the spot. Jack named his pretty little mermaid bride Muriel and they moved to a swamp where they had many little swamp monsters...I mean children.
The giant, meanwhile, found himself drowning. However, after killing the octo-maid, he was endowed with magical powers, turned into the Loch Ness monster and lived out his days peaceably with the merfolk.
The end.

How about...Peter Pan?

Once upon a time, a young man broke into the bedroom of several sleeping children and told them he would take them flying to a magical land.
He was arrested for pedophilia; breaking and entering; and using a lot of drugs, especially one he called "pixie dust".

lame; but....


anyway. How about Snow White?

A prince was walking in the forest one day when he came upon a glass coffin in a clearing. He looked inside and gasped; there was a beautiful black-haired young maiden lying there with a rose in her hands. She appeared to be dead. The prince, a closet necrophile, made sure no one was looking and hurriedly began making out with the maiden.
"Hey! What the hell are you doing, you creep?" screamed Snow White, "Get off me!"
"Uh, I was just..."
"Help! Rape!"
"No! I'm not trying to--"
A dwarf burst into the clearing wielding a pickax. The prince didn't stand a chance.
After the prince was dead, the dwarf turned to Snow White. "Darling," he said, "I have warned you about taking naps out here."
"I know, Grumpy, my love. I just wanted some fresh air. You really need to air out the house a bit more."
"Meh, then birds fly in and crap everywhere."
"You're right. I'll get a screen at the hardware store. Can I have some money?"
Grumpy grumbled, but gave her a few hundreds. "That enough?"
"Yeah, thank you, darling." Snow White gave Grumpy a kiss and trotted off to the hardware store.

Old woman who lived in the shoe.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had many children and soon got annoyed because they were nearing their twenties and refused to leave. She sighed in frustration and decided to buy a nice mansion in California because she figured that she didn't need to take care of her screaming kids any more.
Besides. The place smelled like feet.

The Swan Princess!

...and that night, the princess turned into a duck.

"A duck!" she cried in confusion. "What the heck is this? I thought I was supposed to be a swan!"

"Well, well, well," said the old witch who had cursed her, "aren't we demanding." Then she vanished.

A short while later, the prince, who was an avid sportsman, came riding along on his big white horse. He spotted the duck princess drifting gloomily in the pond and raised his crossbow.

Unfortunately, he never found the love of his life, but that foie gras sure did taste good.



I'm sorry, that was unkind. ^_^ Anywho. How about...the three little pigs, if we haven't done that one?

My bad, we have done that one. So instead let's go with...the Little Matchbox Girl, if you know that one?

Once upon a time there was this really poor orphan girl who had nothing but three matches in a matchbox.
It was a cold winter night. She was hungry and cold, so she killed a pigeon and used the first match to build a fire and had the pigeon for dinner.
The next night, it was even colder. So she didn't build a little fire, but put a whole dumpster on fire.
The third night, it was still colder. She broke into a warehouse and put it on fire so she would be rescued. Unfortunately, it was Christmas Eve, so nobody noticed the fire and she died, screaming in agony.

The Frog King!

The Frog King, or Heinrich the Cyborg
There was a lovely maiden tossing around a golden ball carelessly. Because she was so young and stupid, she dropped it into a well. She watched in horror as it disappeared beneath the ripples and, in her frantic desire to get the ball, she trod on a frog that was sitting there, minding its own business. The frog, being squishy, died immediately and caused her to slip and fall in the pond.
Fortunately, the dousing in the pond washed off all the frog guts from her shoe and, while she was in the water, she decided to get the gold ball. When she resurfaced, there was a man standing near the pool, surveying the remains of the frog.
"This was my king." He said, "When he was turned into a frog, he feared he would lose his subjects, so he drugged me, ripped out my heart and bound it with iron bands."
"Oh, how horrible!" Said the maiden. She dragged herself out of the pond, went up to the loyal servant and gave him a kiss.
This, naturally, was quite exciting for the man, so his heart began beating faster. All of a sudden, there was a tremendous snap.
"Oh, my heart!" Screamed the man, and fell dead at the maiden's feet.
"Oh dear," sighed the maiden, "he was kinda cute." She paused and reflected for a minute, then said, "Oh well, my daddy's filthy rich, so I can just pick any guy I want." With that, she skipped along the path back home, tossing the golden ball to herself as she went.

Do Puss in Boots next.