Young Writers Society

(Editing) Sorry.

I quite enjoyed this (the feelings and the situation), however I'm not too fond on your use of commas (espescially in the first half of the story) - they don't feel like their positioned right.
Read through it and you should see what I mean. Only put commas in places were you naturally pause.

But other than that, this was cool .

Hmm.. I found it a little bit anticlimatcical, as in you kill the main charecter before we get to see him in action. The writing was good though, apart from the comma thing. I like the descriptions alot aswell.

I believe I was able to rid the story of extra commas. Thank you, for pointing that out.

But other than that, this was cool

Thank you again, Sureal.

Hmm.. I found it a little bit anticlimatcical, as in you kill the main character before we get to see him in action. The writing was good though, apart from the comma thing. I like the descriptions a lot aswell.

Heh. I thought someone would bring up the subject of me eliminating the prisoner so quick. Truthfully, I wrote this very quickly, maybe under a half hour and didn't give it much thought. It was part of RinceWind's writing challenge and when I finished Bound For Glory, I liked it myself and wanted to get opinions.

If I redo this, which should have a lot of potential, the readers will know the prisoner better.

Also, I dedicated this piece to my favorite era, The Revolutionary War. It was fun writing it.

Thank you for the nice comments and suggestions.

A few optional suggestions...

fishr wrote:The blond soldier raised a flat hand to his eye lids and saluted his partners, that were still standing to the left and right, guarding my every move.

It should be, "The blond soldier raised a flat hand to his eyelids..." not "eye lids".
"...saluted his partners, that were still standing to the left and right, guarding..." should be "saluted his parnters who were still standing to my left and right, guarding...".

fishr wrote:With a quick strike, my right cheek felt warm and began to sting. I jerked my head back into its rightful position, and only glared into his blue eyes - no tears or frowns. The blond soldier nodded to the men standing on either side of me and pointed to a wall, where a row of skinned tree trunks were tied tightly together.

You may want to reconsider the word "rightful" because it has several meanings and is a little confusing. "Its" should have an apostraphe (possesive). Take out the comma after "position" and take out the word "only". Replace the dash after eyes and write "with". The comma after "wall" is unnessicary. You could also make it "tightly tied" instead of "tied tightly".

fishr wrote:His comrades lifted their rifles and shoved me hard in the spine, with the opposite end of their bayonets. My kneecaps flung foreword, causing me to trip and smash my face on sharp slate.

The comma after "spine" is unnessicary. "foreword" is spelled "foreward". A foreword is what is at the beginning of a book or story.

fishr wrote: No sooner had I reached the wall, was my body quickly twisted around, and so now I was facing a row of bloody, rotton, "lobsterbacks" who all had their rifles aimed towards my chest.

Switch the places of "my" and "was" and "rotton" is actually spelled "rotten".

Other than that, GOOD JOB!

Thank you SnipSnip. I will re-read and will look over your suggestions. Thank again for offering your help.

But first, I need to get over a horriable cold.

This is the best story you've posted on this site! Very entertaining. Their are only two things I would change. First, there is a typo. It's in there somewhere and it's very subtle. I wanted to point it out, but I can't find it. I saw it the first time I read it. Anyway, that's just a little, nit-picky, not-very-important thing. The big thing about this story is that it is very good, but there's more to it. A lot more! There's a story behind the solders. What kind of solders are they? If there are solders there is a war, and if there is a war, then there is another army they are fighting. Who's side (if any) is the main character on? I got the impression that the main character is a woman, but that's mainly because they stole shoes. You could make that a little more clear. Where did the main character come from? Who was s/he steeling the shoes for? What happened before s/he was captured? Your a skilled writer I'd love to read more about what happens to this person. It's a great story. I want more.

Wow! *Huge grins* That's the greatest compliment I've gotten so far on this site. Huge thanks, Halloween! Bound For Glory was a very easy story to write. It was a writing challenge from RinceWind to communicate between two characters, without dialogue. (joy, joy ) This was actually an easy task for me because I learned descriptions before dialogue in my teens. The hard part was figuring how to start the story. So, I wrote about something I had a fairly firm grasp on and that's American History. This story was meant to be set back in the mid 1700's - the war! A major clue was the use of "lobster backs," and the use of bayonets. British soldiers in the war were often referred to as "lobster backs" because of their red uniforms.

I could take this story very far and I actually have been thinking, Halloween of creating a piece that is set months or years ( haven't made up my mind) before the execution. I think I have enough knowledge to do it because I loved learning about the Revolutionary War.

Many thanks again; to everyone!

Edit, forgot one thing. Before I take Bound For Glory to a new level, I want to finish Perfect World.

Just so you know, the story doesn't have to be about the revolutionary war. Even if you are calling the enemy solders "Lobster-backs". This story can take place in a different world or even in the future. (If you wanted) The main thing to keep in mind is that this story is only limited to your own imagination. Personally, I think some kind of futuristic, post-apocalyptic setting would be really cool.

Heh. Well I've made a descesion. In fact, with the extra budge, I've rewrote the enitire story. It took me at least four hours, lol, but now I've introduced the main charactors, I have what I think is a decent plot and well....

Once I do some quick editing, I'll post the finished product.

This story can take place in a different world or even in the future. (If you wanted) The main thing to keep in mind is that this story is only limited to your own imagination. Personally, I think some kind of futuristic, post-apocalyptic setting would be really cool.

True, but I think the course I've chosen, the readers will hopefully enjoy this version too.

Why? Because this story mentions a few real life people, an actual place and time. The real question is...will the reader be thrusted into a time warp?

If you want, Halloween. Do you want me to PM you the finished product, before posting it?
Thank you for the suggestions, though.

I'm glad you rewrote this, because it definately has the potential to be expanded, and should be! There are so many questions raised about the character--we get the feel of a depth behind the character, but only a glimpse is available to us. And so, I'm very glad you decided to elaborate on this, and I'd like to read it. If I don't see it right away, please PM.

Just be forewarned: writing something in an actual past time and place believably demands more than familiarity. You have to do a lot of research--a lot. Or so I've heard.

Now to punctuation! Goody. We love it don't we? But it must be addressed. I shall pick one thing.

Sureal mentioned this. You still have many commas that are unnecessary--actually, that detract from the message. To pick them out, read aloud and pause at every comma and come to a full stop at every period. Then you can hear how it reads, and where your commas don't work.

This sentence as an example:

The tears helped wash away the caked blood around the rims, cheeks and lips, from the brutal fall to the harden earth, I endured earlier.

The tears helped wash away the caked blood around the rims,

cheeks and lips,

from the brutal fall to the harden earth, (it's hardened)

I endured earlier.

Now, I think you probably meant "The tears helped wash away the caked blood around the rims (of what? cheeks don't have rims. Did you mean eyes? I would probably put "wash away the caked blood from the brutal fall I had endured earlier". That is in essence what you mean, right? The caked blood was around her eyes and lips, and there was some splattered on her cheeks?

...would there have been enough time for the blood to dry? Unless you are referring to previous falls.

At any rate, this has a lot of potential. I'm excited to see what you've done with it. Please let me know when you post it!

~Jacquie~

Sweet! Thanks Jacquie for the tip on commas. I have both drafts saved on my comp now. This one, and the new version so I can look over them both and decide where the evil commas should go.

I've been slammed recently at my job, so I'll do my very best to finish. I'm so close too!

Just be forewarned: writing something in an actual past time and place believably demands more than familiarity. You have to do a lot of research--a lot. Or so I've heard.

Oh believe me, lol, I spent the better part of my night yesturday reading.

When I read over the drafts this morning, there are two charactor types to this: non-fiction(people that actually existed) and fiction. Just giving a heads up to everyone.

I read your other comments and thank you again Jacquie. I'll fix it up in the drafts I have saved on my comps, since this one, will be reworded.




Edit, Enjoy the finished product. I believe I removed extra commas, but we shall see.

Just a thought, and maybe it's just me, but if this were my story, I would think about rearranging the order of chapters. This is what I would do: I would split the last part into two pieces. I'd put the first part of the ending in the beginning, saving the execution for last. I would put the second section next fallowed by the first. (I'm sorry if I made that too confusing) That's just what I would do if this were my story. I don't know if it would be better that way, but it's an idea that you can toy with. Maybe try it at home, and if it looks good, do it.

Thank you Halloween. PM'd ya!

Out of curiosity, why is this called "Bound for Glory"? It doesn't seem to fit...Samuel Garrison's plight seems to be the opposite...

There's a lot of energy in this, I think, and drama (maybe too much sometimes ). Also, much better on the comma placement! Still a few grammar things, but I'll leave that for someone else.

Be careful to have your character's speech and inner dialogue appropriate for the time period. They wouldn't fall on their 'butt' or say 'come on' or even use the word 'idiot' (I don't think). You can find another way to say the same thing, but more realistic.

I can see there is a vivid difference between Agnus, cruel, physically unattractive, 'evil' 'redcoat', (creepy, with the blood in his hair...ugh!)and Samuel Garrison. It seems a little unrealistic, but it's interesting.

You can always adjust sentences for flow. One paragraph I can point out...

My uniform stank of decaying flesh and reeked of dried blood. But my feet carried scars, and deep wounds that leaked fresh blood. The soles of my feet had hardened and didn't bother me too much, because of the thick calluses. It was the tops of my feet that bothered me greatly. I feared that if I continued to fight, without shoes, my wounds would become infected and my ankles would require amputation.

I don't think you need 'but'. I would probably rearrange the sentences so that it's clear that 'the top of my feet' are worrisome because they 'carried scars and deep wounds that leaked fresh blood."

Well, I enjoyed it. Thanks for the PM, by the way. Sorry it took so long to get to it.

~Jacquie~