Young Writers Society

Part III

We trudged on, and I begin to get impatient. Why on earth did I ever agree to come down here? I think to myself, clenching my jaw and sighing loudly so my friend would get the point. He glances at me, but I can’t see his face clearly, because it is too dark. The ground began to slope upwards, and I strain my eyes, hoping to see an exit. I trip over a loose rock in the floor and land on my stomach. I put my hands in front of me, and could feel nothing. I scream, and the sound echoes loudly around what must be a huge empty chamber. My friend runs up, and I franticly grab his leg to stop him.
“Don’t go any further, the path ends, and there is nothing in front of me!” I cry out, my heart beating wildly. He stopps and put his hand on the wall, feeling along, until it disappeared
“Strange....it must be a end” he said thoughtfully, then pulled me to my feet. I lean against the wall, thankful for something solid near me. My mind is in a whirl
What are we going to do? How will we get out of here? I struggle to comprehend what this end means....we’ll have to go all the way back! Oh no! I sink down and put my head on my knees, crying softly into the worn and now dirty fabric of my jeans.
My friend moves restlessly, being more fearless than I am about our situation.


(:? I think I went to past tense the last chapter, and now I'm back to present tense... lol)

Can someone please crit this???!!!

Not only were you in the past tense last chapter, but you switch tenses in this! Sometimes there are reasons why you can change tenses. For example, if I have a present tense story, but one of my characters is thinking of an event in the past, then you can switch tenses, but only for when she is thinking about that event. Otherwise, it is a bad bad thing.

Okay, let's go over this. You put things in an interesting way and you seem to have a good word choice, but you're weak at tenses. Let's detail this:

WHY YOU SHOULD USE THE PRESENT TENSE:

When you read it, it feels more poetic, as if you are caught in the moment instead of telling a story. It can lend a certain about of "mystery" to it, since you don't know if the main character is going to make it alive. And, if written correctly, it can be a really awesome story. One of my favorite novels, "Maniac Magee" is written in present tense, but the book was so wonderful that I only realized that when I reread it.

But at the same time, the present tense should be used cautiously. Though it tends to give a more mysterious feeling to the entire piece, many writers overdo it was dramatic word choices and clutter up the story really quickly. Because your style doesn't seem to be like this, you can probably get away with it, but when you do write in this present, this is no longer any fictional prose. This is poetic prose. Once you get into this, word choice not only is necessary; it's mandatory.

Few writers can get away with this. If it's written well, it's very very good. If it's written poorly however, it totally sucks.

The good part is that you can get away with it. The bad part is, your constant changes in tense totally defeat any good images that the present tense conjurs up.

WHY YOU SHOULD USE THE PAST TENSE

The past tense is your friend. It brings readers into a receptive mood and calms most people down. It says to this reader, "This story has a beginning and an end, and I'm going to tell you about it. While the poetic present tense gives a mysterious air, the past tense gives a lulling air. Plus, it reassures the reader that you're going somewhere with this.

It tends to be easier to write. The reason? You imagine the story, and then you detail the events in chronological order. So it's natural for you to use past tense, since you're telling the reader what happened in your mind.



Pick one or the other. But stick with it.

And... you have one sentence which is bugging me.

“Don’t go any further, the path ends, and there is nothing in front of me!” I sob out, my heart beating wildly.

Way too dramatic. First of all, don't use the word "sob" as the word "said." It is rather distracting, and doesn't lend itself in past or present tense. Pick another verb.

Thanks, Snoink, now you've confused me!!!! lol, it's ok. I get what you mean...I keep trying to keep it in Past Tense, but sometimes I get off it... lol

yeah, I'd pick one tense and stick with it.

hmm. in general, I try to set off thoughts form the rest of a sentence, so italicize, or quotes.. not sure which is the norm.

cry is better than sob, much better. Other than that, not bad at all. just watch the tenses, and that will help with actions..

as to the last sentence.. worn and dirty alludes to a great period of time spent in this place. so this leads to the question, how long has your character been here? if only a few days or so, then clothing wouldn't be worn, ragged and dirty, yes. torn and starting to smell. worn usually means long passages of time (ok, done with word-choice nit-picks).

also.. this is still very vague. maybe here, or soon (seeing as the sections are so short) a directional thing would be hlepful..

Thanks, Mesh,

Well, her jeans were old ones, and they were dirty from falling over etc...

I'll try and stick with one tense, but I keep forgetting and usiing another one I put the italics in word, but it won't change them on here, and i forget that... lol

anyways, thanks