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Leander's Story pt. 3



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Mon May 31, 2010 10:49 pm
lunahlove says...



From here on out, I'm writing brand new stuff, so updates will come slower, and it will be a lot shoddier (word?). I'll need a lot more help, guys :P

It was just past 2300, and Leander was sitting in her dormitory, a laptop on her lap, and a slip of paper with very methodical handwriting on it.


Before Leander left to return to her classmates – and the unfinished assignment she still had to complete – Hero had shoved the slip of paper into her hand, reassuring her that much of the data she’d need could be found on it. When Leander had the time to read the paper, she’d been disappointed to see that it was only numbers – until she realized that in fact a link.


Now she sat in front of the computer, an expression of utter frustration on her face. No, apparently not. She’d typed in the link, and write now she was staring at a page full of blank space. But maybe it’s not that obvious, she reasoned. Try something else. Check the coding. Right click, open source – yeah, she thought, scanning the coding, there’s an image here. She closed the open box, and frowned. Maybe if I… Clicking on the page, she highlighted the whole thing, and gave a fierce grin when a large text box appeared on the screen. “Well that wasn’t very difficult,” she said out loud, then winced instinctively. Hero had warned her against being watched – or heard. She turned her attention back to the computer screen.


Hero’s requests


1. There is a harbor on the far east of the city, and if you don’t know of it, you are a very sad person who needs to go out more. In this harbor there is a boat that never sails. That’s because I arranged for the owner to keep it there for compensation. He may have forgotten about it at this point but that doesn’t matter, he won’t find out. The boat is called ‘The Loretta’.



2. Locate this boat and get on it (preferably around twilight during the weekday, there is poor security in this area). There is a key hidden underneath the far chair in the back of the boat. You’ll recognize it, it’s painted chrome. Keep the key. Store it somewhere safe, and for pete’s sake don’t be obvious about it.



3. On the 7th day of May, I will be going out for my final test. It will include a stamina test (they all do). I will be programmed to run only on the track provided. On this day, you will hide near the track, hidden in the foliage. They won’t follow me; they’re lazy and the stamina test is so standard they won’t expect discrepancies. Pull me out of the track (it will be difficult, be sure to get a good grip on me).



4. Here’s the part where you get to think. Transport me from the track to The Loretta. I assume that you don’t have a car? Public transportation won’t work. Be smart. Bring a disguise for both of us.



5. You better fucking know how to manually handle a boat because they don’t teach us that. They seem to think we’d get ideas of escaping. This boat will not alarm when it passes the boundaries because it’s practically older than Solumnic. I will give you coordinates.




Leander stared at the page for a few moments in silence. “Well, now that that’s done…” she muttered. “It sounds far easier than it should, that bitch.” Leander checked the date again. May 7 was a little over a week from today, which didn’t look like nearly enough time to plan out some sort of secret transportation. She’d have to think fast.


The alarm chimed 2400, interrupting her mental. “Brilliant.”


Before she went to sleep, Leander cleared the history on her computer, and ran the paper through a shredder in the corner. When she climbed into bed, she was surprised to find that she was trembling.


*****


She was still trembling when she woke up the next morning, the thought of helping Hero escape from Solumnic haunting her throughout the night. Only barely registering the fact that she would have nothing to bring to class today, Leander dressed and left the room, still hoping that some miracle intervention would erase every stupid thing she had done yesterday, starting with the fucking door.


In class, Leander found a single relief: today, the students would pair up and criticize each other’s articles – the due date would be sometime next week. Leander was paired with the person next to her – Iris.


Leander shoved her chair around to face her partner, whose hair today was a wavy clump of red. “So, what’ve you got?” she asked chipperly.


“Some stuff,” Iris said vaguely, pulling a single sheet of paper out from underneath the desk. “It’s a feature article, 500 words.”


Leander whistled appreciatively. “You found a 500-word story in that crap?” Iris gave her a proud grin. “Overachiever. Here, hand it over, let me read.”


“Where’s yours?” said Iris, sliding the paper across the desks toward Leander.


Leander gave her a weak smile. “It’s – you know – somewhere,” she said vaguely, picking up the sheet of paper. “I’ll let you read it in a second, I just wanna read yours – oh, you spelled prerogative wrong, geez Iris, you’re a shitty speller – ”


It was enough to distract Iris from her lack of an article, and the next hour was spent discussing the correct spelling of prerogative, ridiculous, and revolutionary. By the end of class, Leander handed Iris back a sheet of paper that was now more red than white. “Way to fail, Iris,” she chuckled, standing up and slinging her messenger bag over her shoulder.


“Damn,” Iris moaned, moving her desk back, “I’ll never be able to fix all this by the 7th – are you sure that’s not the right address for the museum?”


“Yes I’m sure,” Leander muttered, fussing with the buckle on her bag, “I’ve only been there a million – wait, what?” Leander looked up from her buckle. “When’s the article due?”


“May 7th,” Iris sighed, standing up and cracking her back. “Why, sooner than you thought?”


“Fuck my life,” Leander groaned. “We can email this shit, right?” When Iris shook her head, looking distinctly puzzled, Leander gave another groan. “Dammit.”


“What’s wrong?” Iris asked, now looking highly interested in Leander’s dismay. “Do you need help with something – ”


“Nothing’s wrong, see you tomorrow,” Leander interrupted, throwing her chair back under the desk.


It took a great deal of willpower to avoid running out of the classroom, but as soon as she was out, Leander broke into a sprint, heading for a large park in the center of campus. I don’t have time for this shit, she thought to herself, muttering obscenities under her breath.


A mass of students were beginning to congregate in the park, a popular hang-out between classes. Leander navigated her way through them quickly, seating herself on one of several metallic benches dotting the sidewalks. She dropped her bag next to her, leaned over, and buried her face in her hands. “You’re stupid,” she said to herself, “You’re retarded and – and – hell, Hero never even said when the test was… you could drop it off, or – you know – fail the class… shit,” she said, looking up when she realized what she had just said. Hero’s really gonna make me stand in the fucking forest all day, just waiting for her? Bitch.
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Mon May 31, 2010 11:05 pm
Snoink says...



Okay! This is going to be a quick nit-picky thing, but this is set in the future, and quite honestly, e-mail is not going to be the means of communication in the future, lol. It's going to be much more interactive and stuff. And the internet is going to change as well. And yes, I've listened to my crazy biotechnology professor for too long, but trust me here!

So, with that said, I think it might be cuter to have Hero hand her paper instead of giving her a link. And she would stare at the paper like, "Um... this is interesting."

Just a little nitpick! Keep on going! I love her nervousness and Hero's incessant demands. This is looking to be a veeeeeeery interesting story, lol.
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Mon May 31, 2010 11:11 pm
lunahlove says...



Thankiesthankiesthankies!

I kinda wondered about that when I wrote it. I was like 'email? hmmm' but as usual, I was too lazy to think of something better -___- lemme run some ideas by you quickly, just for quick feedback:

OWL POST. lol jk.
something like google wave? interactive message sending, etc.

I can't really imagine how much better email will become, because to me the premises is perfect: send a message to someone's email/phone/etc and they read it whenever they want to. but i suppose how it's read might change, like recieving it on a phone that's superinterneterrific?

And Hero handing her a paper would be cute, and add some lul to the scenes, (and probably more opportunity for the reader to care about Hero), but I was afraid of extending that scene too much. perhaps a variation of email could be used. Like a sort of web chat they do? That might even make more sense, because it's technically safer then just putting a picture on a link.
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I love Harry Potter more than you.
  





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Mon May 31, 2010 11:17 pm
Snoink says...



YES. OWL POST.

Nah, just kidding. :D

Here, my biotechnology professor was horrifically vague. He said something about a microarray technology, but I could not, for the life of me, understand what that meant. Sorry!

Interactive message sending is closer too. I know that my classes use SmartSite where we belong to a group and are able to send stuff to the professor without sending stuff through email. I don't know... just come up with something that sounds funky and cool! :) Holographic powerpoint presentations? Not quite writing, but hey! :D

And maybe Hero can get away with older technology, but you got to state that it's old! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Mon May 31, 2010 11:22 pm
lunahlove says...



Nah, Hero's supposed to be more modern. She oughta know better. For shame. XD


microwhat. oh god. mind blown by whatever that is. :'D TO GOOGLE.

All right, I'll go get creative.
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Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:19 am
SnapesOnAPlane says...



Like! Off the bat though:
she’d been disappointed to see that it was only numbers – until she realized that in fact a link.
I think that should probably be "until she realized that it was in fact a link."

I do agree about the email thing...I doubt we'll still be operating with that. I don't pretend to have any clue how technology works or how it develops, but you could try a brain-wave thing. Like, maybe to communicate, people put something on their heads, close their eyes, and then a computer-like screen appears in their mind and they send images/text that way? Just a thought.
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Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:33 am
lunahlove says...



I think that might be a little too sophisticated for this time period, at least among the common class. :P but something almostas fast as that, at least, is where they should be.
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Sun Jun 06, 2010 6:38 am
zankoku_na_tenshi says...



And hello again, lunahlove. Sorry I’m late—it’s been quite a week.

Anyway! This was another interesting chapter, and I really like the developments here. It was really kind of neat to see all the precautions that Hero went through to make sure that her escape attempt doesn’t get discovered (especially because a lot of authors wouldn’t have thought of all this XD). In-story, it shows a lot about her character’s intelligence and caution, not to mention a lot about how carefully she’s planned for this day. I think this also gives us a sense of how important it is to Hero that she can escape from these people, how much her life means to her—which makes her character easier to identify with. She has something that she’s seeking, something she wants more than anything else, even if it’s something as basic as to continue functioning; it makes her so much more human and makes me feel so much more for her predicament.

I also like how all sorts of little things like having a paper due on the day of the escape interfere with Leander’s escape plan. I think a lot of authors who write characters that are in work or school tend to forget that these things don’t just stop when the adventure begins, so it’s sort of refreshing to see the mundane world interfering with the more fantastical side of Leander’s life. I think it adds a bit of realism to the developments of the plot, and it also makes her predicament easy to identify with—it shows how much her new mission to save Hero is interfering with her normal life.

Actually, now that I think of it, I do have one question. I mentioned earlier that all of Hero’s planning really shows how much she’s put into this escape… but her escape plan requires another person’s help (in this case, Leander’s). What would she have done if Leander hadn’t come along? In retrospect, this seems like a really huge coincidence.

Only a couple of quick nitpicks:

No, apparently not. She’d typed in the link, and write now she was staring at a page full of blank space.

Oops, that’s the wrong “right.” XD

The alarm chimed 2400, interrupting her mental.

I think you meant to write something after “mental” and forgot.

For the most part, a pretty strong chapter. As I’ve said before, I like how your
characters interact and who they are, and I can’t wait to see more of them. I’m all up for chapter four—see you next time!
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Tue Jun 08, 2010 9:13 am
Cirque says...



EDIT: I should probably introduce myself. My name is Cirque, commonly known as Alice though you can choose which ever. Ooo, I'll be your reviewer today! :D


Bold: Words that are not needed.
Green: General Comment.
Red: Grammar or spelling mistakes.
Blue: Words needed.

It was just past 2300, and Leander was sitting in her dormitory, a laptop on her lap, and a slip of paper with very methodical handwriting on it.

Before Leander left to return to her classmates – and the unfinished assignment she still had to complete – Hero had shoved the slip of paper into her hand, reassuring her that much of the data she’d need could be found on it. When Leander had the time to read the paper, she’d been disappointed to see that it was only numbers – until she realized that in fact, it was a link.

Now she sat in front of the computer, an expression of utter frustration on her face. No, apparently not. She’d typed in the link, and write now she was staring at a page full of blank space. But maybe it’s not that obvious, she Leander reasoned. Try something else. Check the coding. Right click, open source – yeah! She thought, scanning the coding; there’s an image here. She closed the open box and frowned. Maybe if I… Clicking on the page, she highlighted the whole thing, and gave a fierce grin when a large text box appeared on the screen. “Well that wasn’t very difficult,” She said out loud, then winced instinctively. Hero had warned her against being watched – or heard. She turned her attention back to the computer screen.

Hero’s Requests.

1. There is a harbor on the far east of the city and if you don’t know of it, you are a very sad person who needs to go out more. In this harbor there is a boat that never sails. That’s because I arranged for the owner to keep it there for compensation. He may have forgotten about it at this point but that doesn’t matter, he won’t find out. The boat is called ‘The Loretta’.

2. Locate this boat and get on it (preferably around twilight during the weekday, there is poor security in this area). There is a key hidden underneath the far chair in the back of the boat. You’ll recognize it; it’s painted chrome. Keep the key. Store it somewhere safe and for pete’s sake don’t be obvious about it.

3. On the 7th day of May, I will be going out for my final test. It will include a stamina test (they all do). I will be programmed to run only on the track provided. On this day, you will hide near the track, hidden in the foliage. They won’t follow me; they’re lazy and the stamina test is so standard they won’t expect discrepancies. Pull me out of the track (it will be difficult, be sure to get a good grip on me).

4. Here’s the part where you get to think. Transport me from the track to The Loretta. I assume that you don’t have a car? Public transportation won’t work. Be smart. Bring a disguise for both of us.


5. You better fucking know how to manually handle a boat because they don’t teach us that. They seem to think we’d get ideas of escaping. This boat will not alarm when it passes the boundaries because it’s practically older than Solumnic. I will give you coordinates. Haha funny! :D

Leander stared at the page for a few moments in silence. “Well, now that that’s done…” She muttered. “It sounds far easier than it should, that bitch.” Leander checked the date again. May 7 was a little over a week from today, which didn’t look like nearly enough time to plan out some sort of secret transportation. She’d have to think fast.

The alarm chimed 2400, interrupting her mental, “Brilliant!

Before she went to sleep, Leander cleared the history on her computer, and ran the paper through a shredder in the corner. When she climbed into bed, she was surprised to find that she was trembling.

*****

She was still trembling when she woke up the next morning, the thought of helping Hero escape from Solumnic haunted her throughout the night. Only barely registering the fact that she would have nothing to bring to class today, Leander dressed and left the room, still hoping that some miracle intervention would erase every stupid thing she had done yesterday, starting with the fucking door.

In class, Leander found a single relief: today, the students would pair up and criticize each other’s articles – the due date would be sometime next week. Leander was paired with the person next to her – Iris.

Leander shoved her chair around to face her partner, whose hair today was a wavy clump of red. “So, what’ve you got?” She asked chipperly.

“Some stuff,” Iris said vaguely, pulling a single sheet of paper out from underneath the desk. “It’s a feature article, 500 words.”

Leander whistled appreciatively. “You found a 500-word story in that crap?” Iris gave her a proud grin. “Overachiever. Here, hand it over, let me read.”

“Where’s yours?” Said Iris, sliding the paper across the desks toward Leander.

Leander gave her a weak smile. “It’s – you know – somewhere,” she said vaguely, picking up the sheet of paper. “I’ll let you read it in a second, I just wanna read yours – oh, you spelled prerogative wrong, geez Iris, you’re a shitty speller – ”

It was enough to distract Iris from her lack of an article, and the next hour was spent discussing the correct spelling of prerogative, ridiculous, and revolutionary. By the end of class, Leander handed Iris back a sheet of paper that was now more red than white. “Way to fail, Iris!She chuckled, standing up and slinging her messenger bag over her shoulder.

“Damn,” Iris moaned, moving her desk back. “I’ll never be able to fix all this by the 7th – are you sure that’s not the right address for the museum?”

“Yes I’m sure,” Leander muttered, fussing with the buckle on her bag. “I’ve only been there a million – wait, what?” Leander looked up from her buckle. “When’s the article due?”

“May 7th,” Iris sighed, standing up and cracking her back. “Why, sooner than you thought?”

“Fuck my life,” Leander groaned. “We can email this shit, right?” When Iris shook her head, looking distinctly puzzled, Leander gave another groan. “Dammit.”

“What’s wrong?” Iris asked, now looking highly interested in Leander’s dismay. “Do you need help with something – ”

“Nothing’s wrong, see you tomorrow,” Leander interrupted, throwing her chair back under the desk.

It took a great deal of willpower to avoid running out of the classroom, but as soon as she was out, Leander broke into a sprint, heading for a large park in the center of campus. I don’t have time for this shit, she thought to herself, muttering obscenities under her breath.

A mass of students were beginning to congregate in the park, a popular hang-out between classes. Leander navigated her way through them quickly, seating herself on one of several metallic benches dotting the sidewalks. She dropped her bag next to her, leaned over, and buried her face in her hands. “You’re stupid,” she said to herself, “You’re retarded and – and – hell, Hero never even said when the test was… you could drop it off, or – you know – fail the class… shit,” she said, looking up when she realized what she had just said. Hero’s really gonna make me stand in the fucking forest all day, just waiting for her? Bitch.


Grammar/Spelling: Not bad. I do have comment on your use of capital letters behind the quotations marks and your excessive use of commars. Two problems I epically fail at.

“So, what’ve you got?” She asked chipperly.


The letter highlighted used to be a smaller letter. What I am trying to get at it that there should always be a capital letter once you have through the quotations mark and especially if there is a marking specifically ending a sentence.

I can't really show you an example of you excessive use of commas because I sought of fixed it though I can drone on like an old hag till it is in your head. :D If you read over your work you can see where full stops are needed and full stops. By not placing in a full stop you are running on a sentence and this makes it both hard to read and very boring.

Characters: Your characters are just great. :) They really had their own life though some where somewhat boring. Often, you would change from controlling them (bad) to letting them run wild and be natural (good). I would recommend that you go through and really flatten out the area's where characters turn cliche and then run a muck. My favourite character would be Leander, she had the most fire to her and she was just natural.

Plot:I do not know what the plot is because I haven't read the other two chapters and it's a little early to really tell but from what I have read; Leander is in a lot of trouble. Failing a class is horrible but not passing another test that seems a lot more interesting is just crap.

Overall: Overall I thought this was a great story and I would strongly recommend you keep writing these...please! For both mine and someone else's sake; *cough* Snoik *cough*.
  





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Thu Jun 10, 2010 11:24 pm
lunahlove says...



Thanks so much for reading! I'll go through and fix those mistakes later today :) That was ridiculously helpful ♥
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Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:44 pm
midnightread says...



Hi lunahlove
Thanks for the pm. I'll read the rest of the story later and do separate reviews for each of them.
Now, down to business.
I like the way that you write, it gives the reader an insight into the characters head. There is a lot of swearing in this chapter and as far as I can remember the other ones do too. I'm not criticising this but there is a lot of the same word used, try and use different swear words, but it doesn't really matter cause it shows the character enjoys using the word fuck, same as me.
midnightread :elephant:
P.S I love Harry Potter way more than you do :D
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