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Leander's Story



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Wed May 26, 2010 3:53 am
lunahlove says...



This is the first part of a story. I don't know if it's too long - if it looks like no one's going to read this because of length, please tell me! I'll crop it more if needed


Leander's Story: Part 1



It had been a long time since the planet Earth had seen a war – but then again, it had been a long time since the planet Earth had seen another country besides Solumnic on its surface.


Solumnic was the world’s first and only successful attempt at world unification. First suggested as a lighthearted joke during a gathering of the United Nations, the idea began taking on international popularity towards the end of World War III – which was understandable, after years of war on a scale the world had only seen twice before. Yet, even after the Treaty of Beijing had been signed, people demanded and rallied behind the idea of a single world country. No one wanted to be a citizen of America, or India, or Russia, or Luxembourg anymore. People wanted to be citizens of the world.


A treaty was proposed, a constitution drafted, and slowly, year by year, it was accepted by every country. The final country to sign was France – and finally, Solumnic was created.



Athens-7 was one of the more populated cities in Solumnic – population thirteen million. It was located, appropriately, near what used to be Greece. Universally considered the trendsetter for the rest of the country, signs looked good for government when, some twenty years before, a law passed through city congress easily, heavily pressuring parents to rely on Greek mythology and historical figures for their kids, for purposes of retaining culture or some other batshit reason, thought up by a group of people with too much time on their hands and not enough interaction with real citizens. The change was obvious within a few years – there was a sharp difference between the names of the new generation versus past generations. However, nothing Congress passes is accepted easily, and the law received quiet protests from disgruntled parents throughout the city.



Leander Andrews’ parents had chosen their daughters’ name as their own quiet attempt at protest. Greek her name was, but certainly not gender-appropriate – a jab at what was, in their opinion, one of the most pointless laws ever created. It was unique for a ‘named generation’ such as hers – as unique as one can get in a city of Leanders, Megaras, Heros, and Zeuses. Raised in a household where anti-government opinions were not held back, Leander had been one of the first to begin igniting protest when the law was passed to regulate students’ majors. She and several hundreds of other students had filled the grassy field in front of the starch-white capitol building that was Athens-7 congress – but when the peace-keepers appeared, threatening arrest and trial for all the protesters for disturbing the peace, she had quietly slipped through the roaring crowd and ran home. Fearful of being recognized, Leander stopped protesting.



So when she reached college age at eighteen, and received the small slip of ‘official paper’ in the mail with an assignment for a major in Journalism, Leander said nothing. She went to college the following school year, armed with a notebook and a pencil, and learned the art of journalism.



Some time after this, a strange piece of gossip hit town – talk of super humans could be heard in hushed whispers, if one listened hard enough, at corner restaurants. Others whispered about a secret government plan to wipe out individual thinking process – but both of these whispers were hushed when the peace-keepers appeared. And after awhile, talk of secret government plans disappeared altogether.


*****


The internal alarm system never failed to work – every morning at 0630, every person in every dormitory in the college awoke to the sound of beeping alarms – it would start quietly, then gradually build up, until the last person finally woke up to the deafening noise of an alarm at full volume, by this time not a beeping sound but gongs, resonating through the building.


This person was usually Leander Andrews.


It was 0657 when Leander finally woke up, and flicked the final switch that shut off the alarm throughout the school. It took her a few moments to regain her senses. Crap, it’s Tues – Crap! It’s Tuesday! Leander made a half-jump out of bed, twisting in the covers and thudding on the floor quickly. She disentangled herself from the sheets and limped to the bathroom, muttering under her breath the entire time.


This Tuesday, at 0745, the entire graduating class of 2306 of Athena English College was going on field trips – several field trips actually, according to their majors. This was supposed to be the final practice before Finals came around, and being late was strictly forbidden.
And of course, Leander was late.


*****


Outside, the hallways were full of clusters of students, all dressed but half-asleep – one student in the corner was standing with his eyes closed, breathing evenly, as though he had fallen asleep standing up, which he probably had. Leander forced her way through the crowd, looking for the tall, beak-nosed head of Kalliope Halkias, the only truly Greek person for miles. She was standing heads above everyone else in the corner of the crowded room, shouting loud orders to a few sleepy-looking interns, clutching a shiny silver clipboard in her hand. Leander wedged her way to Kalliope’s side, a few half-hearted complaints coming from the students she shoved up against.


“Right – no – gather all the AH majors in front of the school, they’re leaving first… I SAID FRONT! Now – no, they just called, they’re here – yes, Leander, what do you want – oh sweet Athena, what are you wearing?” Kalliope rounded on Leander, wrinkling her face, and giving Leander a disbelieving look.


“Shut up. Do you know where the Journalism kids are going?”


“I couldn’t care less where – oh, wait, I have the list here…” Kalliope flipped a page over in her clipboard, scanning the page underneath very quickly. “Yadada – you’re going to the Andromeda Center History Museum.” She looked up, smiling brightly. Her smile faded when she noticed Leander’s sharp glare. “Now what?”


Leander yanked the clipboard out of her hand. “I don’t believe you. That museum’s as old as my grandmother, there’s hardly anything newsworthy there…” Leander scanned the paper as well, eyebrows furrowing. Kalliope hovered over her, looking more than a little annoyed.


Relative to Kalliope, Leander looked small and insignificant, but that wasn’t usually the case. Hovering at about 178 cm, Leander was far from short. Pale, tight skin that looked a few sizes too small for her already-thin frame contrasted dramatically with fine, straight and free-flowing dark hairs, pulled into a messy and loose bun at the base of her thin neck. Leander had small, water-blue eyes that always looked more than a little sharp, and harsh eyebrows that drew jagged black lines across her face. Most of her face was harsh – her chin was pointed, her lips severe, and her nose small and angled.


Leander rounded on Kalliope angrily. “What the fuck, why are we going to the museum? That’s ridiculous, what do they expect us to pull out of our asses there?”


Kalliope stared down at Leander, frowning. Everything about Kalliope contrasted with Leander. She was shaped like an hourglass, with saturated skin and thick brown curls. Her nose was large and beaked, with a prominent place on her face. Her eyes were large and brown, her lips full, eyebrows thin and high. “Language, Leander, my goodness.” Leander rolled her eyes in response, and Kalliope pursed her lips testily. “Look, don’t bitch around with me – “ (“Ha!” Leander said gleefully, jumping at Kalliope’s cuss) – “shut up – I don’t control the schedule. Besides,” she murmured, leaning in a little closer, “if I were you, I wouldn’t go around voicing my opinions so loudly. There’s serious talk of shutting down journalism in the city.” Leander gave her an appalled look, choking back a loud cry.


“What for?”


Kalliope shrugged. “Not enough interest? Too much interference? I don’t know, I didn’t find out – oi!” Leander turned around mid-sentence, growling in disgust.


She pushed through the crowd furiously, more students fully awake and able to feel the full impact of her shoves. A lot more cries of complaint followed her this time around.
Last edited by lunahlove on Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Wed May 26, 2010 4:11 am
Snoink says...



Eek! I love super human stories! You're a good writer too, which makes it even better! :D

First of all, modly stuff! That is, I'm a mod. I rated it 16+, just because you had the word "fuck" in it. Just a little thing! :) I also want to know if you want me to move this story to the Sci Fi Novels section, which means you can more easily connect the chapters together... because you're totally not done with this story yet. ;) In fact... you better write another chapter or else I might hurt you! :D

Now! The story! As I said before, you're a lovely writer! I thought this was awesome. I really like Leander and how kick ass she is without being boyish. Like, I see a lot of stories where the writers make the girls like boys because otherwise they don't think that the girls aren't kick ass enough, so it was really nice to see this! :D

I think the first part (which is the intro part where you explain everything) probably isn't necessary... I think it would be fine if you just jumped into the story. Maybe you can explain the history when they go to the history museum... that might make it more awesome.

Still! Definitely some nice writing here! :)
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Wed May 26, 2010 4:28 am
lunahlove says...



Thanks so much! :D

All right, I wasn't sure how to rate it :P Thanks for that. And sure, go ahead - it's probably going to end up being upwards of 25 pages so it wouldn't REALLY be a short story, would it? I've got more to post, but I think I'll wait until tomorrow for that.

Thank you for the suggestion! I suppose there is an easy way to insert most of the information into the museum, but I'm not sure how to present one part:

Some time after this, a strange piece of gossip hit town – talk of super humans could be heard in hushed whispers, if one listened hard enough, at corner restaurants. Others whispered about a secret government plan to wipe out individual thinking process – but both of these whispers were hushed when the peace-keepers appeared. And after awhile, talk of secret government plans disappeared altogether.


I'm not sure how to present that specific bit in the musuem piece. It's rather important to the plot - in fact, it pretty much sums up the conflict in the story :'D Sort of kind of. But it's definitely needed. I suppose I could get more help if I posted the rest of the story, though? :P
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Wed May 26, 2010 4:34 am
Snoink says...



I suppose I could get more help if I posted the rest of the story, though? :P


Hahaha! Trust me, if this means you'll post more, I'll say yes. :P I'm not exactly the most unbiased person around here, lol.

Nooooo... really, there's a couple of things that you can do, really. You can have Leander joke about someone being super human and then being pulled aside and questioned, first by the school authorities, then by others. So this immediately makes us wonder whether this is a rumor while still being in an intensely dramatic scene! So maybe in the history museum, she can be like, "What do you think <insert name here> is? Super human?" And BAM.

Just an idea! There are tons more ways you can do this though... play with it and see what you can do! :)

And I'll move your story then!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Wed May 26, 2010 4:46 am
lunahlove says...



That's a good idea! I'll have to edit the story tomorrow because it's 12:45, I need to finish an essay, and I need to wake up early tomorrow to write like, 5 pages of bull -___-

Thanks so much for your help <3
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Thu May 27, 2010 3:16 pm
midnightread says...



Hi lunahlove
I really like this but there a couple of mistakes.
I'd advise re-reading it and possible putting a rating on it cause of the language.
I think I'm going to go and read the rest of the novel.
midnightread :elephant:
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Thu May 27, 2010 7:02 pm
lunahlove says...



Thanks midnightread! It does have a rating if I'm not mistaken @.@ what sort of mistakes are you referring to?

Thanks for taking the time to read!
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Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:04 am
SnapesOnAPlane says...



Oh wow, this is great =D
I'm a sucker for semi-totalitarianistic futuristic stories, and this one's off to a great start. I'll be reading more.
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Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:16 am
zankoku_na_tenshi says...



Hi there, lunahlove! I’m Zan. ^_^ I know you’ve gotten good, detailed reviews already (Snoink is pure reviewing love), but I liked the concept of this story, so I thought I’d stop by. ^^;

I’d have to say first of all that I really like your characters, even despite what a small glimpse we’ve gotten of them so far. Leander is great—she’s tough, intelligent, and holds strongly to her convictions, and yet I think her argumentative, kind of abrasive nature balances her out a bit—that makes her very human and very easy to like.

Kalliope was the same way for me—I really like the contrast between her and Leander, as well as the interaction between them. I think the conversation between them was really natural, and it flowed very well, I could really imagine two people in these circumstances acting this way. I also like how you characterized them both by their little mannerisms and such, like Leander grabbing the paper out of Kalliope’s hands.

I think the plotline sounds really interesting so far! I like the concept behind your world, and the little additions to it, like the sudden focus on Classical culture and knowledge, the tensions in the now-unified world, and so on, are pretty interesting and unique. I’m curious to read more, just because at this point I can’t imagine where the story will go next.

I do really agree with Snoink that all the introduction of the world and its past isn’t really necessary right now, and I would like to see it worked in a little more gradually. I really think this story might flow better if you simply started with the alarms ringing. It’s just a more dynamic beginning, and I think the readers actually wouldn’t mind a little while to wonder about the amount of intellectual repression that seems to be going on at the school, and the big deal Kalliope makes about criticizing the government. I think it would allow the readers to put together a little bit for themselves right at the beginning, and then you could go into the backstory more once you’ve firmly gotten their attention.

Otherwise, just a couple nitpicks.

one student in the corner was standing with his eyes clothes, breathing evenly,

Oops, typo. Should be “eyes closed.” ^^;

Kalliope stared down at Leander, frowning angrily.

I think in this case, the “angrily” might be a little redundant—the sentence might read better without it.

Otherwise, this is a strong start, and I’m definitely curious to check out your next few chapters! See you soon! ^_^
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