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Fighting Fire (Prologue, and Chapters 1, 2) (just added 2)



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Sun Sep 13, 2009 11:13 pm
HostofHorus says...



Let me know what you think! (FYI, most of this is pretty old. I believe I have become a much better writer now... :? )

Fighting Fire - Prologue

The cheering and chanting quickly died. Another flash of orange and red streaked across the sky. David looked down the line at the faces of his comrades, stone cold, ready for what was about to come.

David, and the rest of his unit raised their guns, pointing to the sky, ready for the fiery abominations. David looked around him once more. Their numbers were too little now, he knew that. This could very well be their final stand. Most of the soldiers knew as well, he could see it in their eyes. Defeat mixed with resilience. They would not go down without a fight.

One last flash from the flare filled the sky. The creatures started raining down on the red rock in front of them. David flipped the visor on his helmet down. 'This is it,' he thought. "Fire at will!" He yelled, and the war began again.


Job Interview:

Twenty one year old, David Young, sat in the room, twiddling a piece of paper, with a single number on it, in his fingers. Waiting was not a strong point for him, and thanks to the WSA's (World Salvation Army's) recent request for more soldiers, it looked as if he was going to be waiting a while.

Now, he sat in a large waiting room, with hundreds of chairs and far to many people. 'At least I have a chair,' he kept telling himself, happy he didn't have to stand for the many hours he had been there.

"874," The voice called over the intercom. The man sitting next to David stood, and started walking towards the door, with a woman standing next to it holding a clipboard, ready to greet him.

Another person rushed to take the seat. He had short blonde hair, spiked in the front, blue eyes, was about six foot two, and was fairly muscular. A good soldier, thought David.

The man turned to him. "What number did you get?" He asked.

"912," David sighed. He wasn't one for talking, especially when he was already angry.

"Seriously? I got 913!" The man replied.

"Imagine that."

"Yeah, imagine that." The man paused. "What's your name?"

"David, David Young, and you?"

"Shawn Williams, 19 years old, weapon of choice, JS-12 knife."

David smirked, the JS-12 was nice back in its day, but nowadays, it was nothing. Shawn caught the gesture.

"What?"

"Nothing," David snickered. "Twenty one," he told him his age.

Shawn nodded. "Don't underestimate the knife,"

"Oh I'm not," David assured him, a huge grin on his face. The next number was announced on the intercom, 875.

"Good," Shawn said, one eyebrow raised.

They sat in silence for five more numbers. Watching as slowly people got up and went through the door, to their interview. As each person left, a group of people rushed in to take the chair.

"If you don't think the JS-12 is good then what do you think is?" Shawn finally asked.

The corners of David's mouth crept up into a smile again. "Just drop it, Ok? I don't have a problem with it."

"No, I want to know." The next number was announced. David sighed.

"That was a good weapon in its day, but it can't even match up, with say a JS-47," David chuckled.

Shawn shook his head, "You got it all wrong man, this baby would win any day," he revealed part of the knife from the inside of his jacket.

"How did you get that in here?"

"That's my little secret," he hid it again.

David stared at him in disbelief. He obviously was going to say nothing more on the matter, so David sat back in his chair. They sat in silence until 912 was called. David stood up.

"Good luck," Shawn said.

"Yupp," David replied and walked towards the woman.

"David, is it?" The woman asked as he approached.

"That's me," he said, walking through the door.

"Great, follow me." She started walking down the dull, grey colored hallway, David right behind her. She stopped at an open door. "Just in here," She smiled.

Inside the room sat one of the army generals, behind a wooden office desk, cluttered with reports, applications, and other documents. He was a big man, at least six foot three, and 210 pounds of pure muscle. He showed David his permanent scowl, as David entered the once again, dully colored room. David looked around at the many pictures and artifacts hung on the walls. He smiled to himself when he saw the JS-12 framed behind a glass case on the wall. He continued analyzing the room. 'At least he tried to make it look happy,' he thought.

"Sit," the general said.

David surprised, and angry at the man's rudeness, quickly took his seat in front of the desk, in a comfortable black, leather chair.

"Why are you here?" The general asked.

"I want to help save my world, sir." David replied, confidently.

"Don't give me that crap, no one really joins for that reason," the general sighed.

David had always had anger problems, and what the general said made him pretty angry. He tried to hold back, but couldn't. "What is your problem?" He yelled. "You ask people to sign up, desperate for more men, then when one comes in, wanting to help save the world they live in, you turn them away, claiming they lie! If you don't want my help, then you wont get it!"

He turned, and determined to show the general just what he was missing out on, kicked the door open, splintering the wood in the frame, and leaving the door to hang on only one hinge. He stormed out the new hole in the wall, and back the way he came from.

Shawn was following the woman up the hallway as David walked down it. "Woah man, what happened?" He asked as David pushed past, and without responding, walked through the waiting area and out the door.

Confused, Shawn continued following the woman, they turned the corner, and she gasped. A door now leaned halfway into the hallway. The general stood scowling at the door.

"What happened?" The woman shrieked.

Without answering, the general replied, "That's a strong one, that is." He paused. "What was his name?"

The woman flipped through papers on her clipboard then read the name. "David Young."

"And how old?" The general asked.

"21."

"Perfect," Said the general, and for the first time, smiled, as he beckoned Shawn into the room.


The Letter:


David awoke the next morning lying in bed, thoughts of the previous day still clouded his mind. It was quite the blow up, he thought. Surely he would getting a letter in the mail soon, ordering him to pay for the repairs.

He laid for a little reliving the moment, angry with himself. Army commanders are supposed to be rude, blunt. They are supposed to be strict, and yet for whatever reason, he had flipped out. He even thought that breaking the door would be a sign of strength... looking back he knew it was not.

"I'm not getting in now... good job genius," he said aloud. He went to the bathroom in his small apartment and splashed water on his face, both to wake him up, and to take his mind off of things. He then showered and dressed.

He threw some hash-browns and bacon on the stove then made his way outside to the mailbox. He tucked the newspaper under his arm and made his way back towards the house, sorting through the junk mail. He stopped on one. Great, he thought. "They sure respond fast," he mumbled aloud.

He tossed the letter on the table, went to flip the hash-browns and bacon, in an attempt to put opening the letter off. Then to kill more time, he sat down and started reading the newspaper. The main headline of the day was "Atop Land Again."

Today marked a major advancement in our technology, as the WSA finished building a training center upon the surface of the Earth. This is the first building to be developed above ground in the last 1000 years, the last one being in 2013.

"It really is quite the accomplishment, and it took a lot of hard work, from a lot of underpaid workers to accomplish it" said Jack Daniels, one of the main architects on the job.

"It shows a great advancement in technology," said Jason Bowman, one of the researchers involved in the project. "A lot of really intelligent men were the only reason it made it this far."

The building was made to house, and train the soldiers of the WSA for the fight against the dreaded Solar Flare which scientists predict to occur within the next eight months.

The power of the forcefield was vastly magnified, and some effects were changed to regulate temperatures, and create enough oxygen for the lucky soldiers who will be there.

David stopped reading, he could have been there he told himself. He could have been one of the few people to walk and live on top of the Earth again. He could have been one of the first in a thousand years...

Frustrated, he ate his breakfast, watching as the envelope from the WSA continued mocking him. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he stuffed the last bit of food into his mouth, and ripped open the top of the envelope, then read the letter.

Dear Mr. Young,

We are writing to congratulate you on making it into the WSA. More, we would like to congratulate you on earning the chance to be a general.

Please write back to us within the next week either accepting or declining. Afterward, if you accept, you will be given further instructions.

Thank you for serving the world .

-Gen. Baker
General Baker


David held the piece of paper between his fingers. 'Unbelievable,' he thought. 'I cause a big scene, and somehow I still manage to make it in. And have the opportunity to be general.' Quickly he stood and sifted through the piles on the table to find a blank piece of paper. He then scribbled his response.

Dear WSA,

I am writing to accept the gracious offer you have given me. I would love to have the opportunity to serve.

Sincerely,

David Young
David Young

He read the letter once through, then grabbed an envelope, sealed it, and jumped into his car, a black Leopard, and headed off to the post office.

Upon arriving, he bought a stamp and handed the letter to the man at the counter. He started walking away when the wall started beeping.

He turned and the wall now viewed a reporter, with "breaking news" written along the bottom.

"The attacks have started. That is right folks, this is not a prank. The first solar flare has hit Earth. The creatures from the flare have started raining upon the surface of the Earth."

The picture on the wall cut to an image of balls of fire raining from the sky, then upon hitting the surface, turning into creatures of fire.
Last edited by HostofHorus on Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:09 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Sun Sep 13, 2009 11:24 pm
Karsten says...



Hi JRS,

Just a quick comment today.

I had a plausibility issue with the core concept here. Your piece revolves around someone who wants to join the military. In an interview with a general, he loses his temper, shouts at the general and storms off, causing gratuitous property damage in the process.

This character is coming across as violently unhinged. This is totally inappropriate behaviour for a civilian job interview, let alone someone who wants to join the army. It's my understanding that militaries value discipline, patience and respect for rank - especially a rank as high as general, which is so stupendously high that I can't imagine what the general is doing talking to interviewees in the first place.

If the protagonist can't even stay cool in a job interview - what makes them think that he can stay cool under gunfire?

If the protagonist can't even respect the rank of a general enough to not shout at him - what makes them think that he can follow his lieutenant's orders in battle?

If the protagonist can't even control his own destructive temper enough to not destroy property in a fit of petulance - what makes them think they can trust him with a weapon?

I just don't think that the basic concept here works at all. The protagonist is demonstrating diametrically opposite qualities from what they should really be looking for. He's acting like the worst possible recruit, whom they should kick out right now. But instead, his behaviour makes them want to hire him? Really struggling to follow the logic.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten
  





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Mon Sep 14, 2009 12:54 am
HostofHorus says...



Thanks for the feedback. I get into this a lot more in the coming chapters of the book. One thing you have to remember here is that this is a kind of Science fiction/fantasy book. For one, the end of the earth is about to come about in a way no one was expecting. Two, this isn't exactly the army. The army has changed so much in hopes of trying to protect the planet from the evil creatures that are about to inhabit it. I know it is kind of hard to grasp so early in the book. Give me a few more chapters, and I think things will start to sort themselves out. I hope you like it. Thanks for the review. All feedback is appreciated.

-J.R.S.
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Mon Sep 14, 2009 1:15 am
blackpencil says...



Good story, but I am about to rip it apart. Sorry!

First of all, The prologue is pretty unnescessary (no, I can't spell that right). You could have put it into the firs chapter.

Fighting Fire - Prologue

The cheering, and chanting quickly died.

Comma is unnescessary.

Another person rushed to take the sear.

You meant seat?

"Great, follow me." She started walking down the dull grey colored hall way,

Some commas are nescessary here.

Inside the room sat on of the army generals,

Um, what?

David surprised, and angry at the man's rudeness,

How was telling him to sit rude? It would have been ruder to keep him standing.

David had always had anger problems, and what the general said made him pretty angry. He tried to hold back, but couldn't. "What is your problem?" He yelled. "You ask people to sign up, desperate for more me, then when one comes in, wanting to help save the world they live in, you turn them away, claiming they lie! If you don't want my help, then you wont get it!"

Um, woah? This guy has a serious problem? This general never claimed he lied, by the way, or did you have him say that on purpose?

I liked this story very much I think it'll turn out to be a good one! Keep going!
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Mon Sep 14, 2009 2:33 am
HostofHorus says...



How was telling him to sit rude? It would have been ruder to keep him standing.


It wasn't what he was asking so much as how he asked him.

Um, woah? This guy has a serious problem? This general never claimed he lied, by the way, or did you have him say that on purpose?


Although the general did not come right out and say it he did imply it. He told him anyone that said that didn't really mean it. In a rather rude way if I might add.

I liked this story very much I think it'll turn out to be a good one! Keep going!


Thank you very much! I have big plans for this story. :)
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Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:48 pm
Deifyance says...



Wow. very nice. I'm deeply impressed.
Grammar is not my strong suit so I'll stick to content.
Good: The characters. You told us right away what kind of person the M.C. was and the potential Secondary character. I, personally, like the side chat about the knives, it adds a little depth into what time frame the story is set in and so on.
Bad: This was a hard one. The only thing i can think of is the anger explosion in the generals office. You didn't show that emotion at all in the beginning. My only suggestion is to show his wild anger in the beginning instead of telling everyone he has a short temper. (Example might be: a young guy trys to sit in a chair and a bigger guys throws him out. then your MC goes wacko on him. [only a suggestion])
Over all: wonderful beginning. This will be on my watch list. :D keep writing!
Check out my current Series: Changing Legacy

Chapter 1
Changing Legacy: Chapter 1 - Disheartening

Chapter 2
Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed
  





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Fri Oct 02, 2009 9:16 pm
TNG100 says...



its absolutley awesome! it kept me interested from the begining and makes me crave more. what happens next? i wasn't board at all, and there were no dead spots. the opening scene foreshadows coming onslaught but of who? why were they getting ready to fight again? there are so many questions running through my head that i'm nearly jumping out of my seat. keep up the good work.
  





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Fri Oct 09, 2009 12:39 am
HostofHorus says...



Thanks everyone, if your interested, you can go to my website and read chapters 2 and 3. Thanks again!
HostofHorus Author, Poet, Dreamer, and Expressionist.
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Fri Oct 09, 2009 1:12 am
joshuapaul says...



Wow JRS you seem stubborn when it comes to accepting feedback. And you already refer to 'Fighting Fire' as 'the book' which suggests to me you believe publishers are waiting at your doorstep with their tongues wagging to get hold of their next best seller. Its a hellovastart make no mistake I won't deny you that but I wouldn't call it adult fiction, simply because it includes huge factual errors. It also lacks literary devices that are common in adult fiction, if the target audience is teens or children perhaps state this at the top.

You can write but perhaps you should be a little more receptive to feedback. I found the protagonist pigheaded and annoying and therefore would probably stop reading at this chapter.

JP
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Fri Oct 09, 2009 1:26 am
Writersdomain says...



Hello JRS, I'm WD and this beginning to your story intrigued me. You have a lot of good ideas here and I'm here to give you a few suggestions and pointers on how to improve this. David struck me as an extremely interesting character, and I'd like to talk a little about his development near the end. :wink:

First, your prologue.

I don't think the issue is that your prologue is unnecessary. I think it could be an extremely intriguing beginning but it makes too many vague references and gives too little grounding and initial characterization to draw the reader in. I'm going to take a few paragraphs for example:

David, and the rest of his unit raised their guns, pointing to the sky, ready for the fiery abominations. David looked around him once more. Their numbers were too little now, he knew that. This could very well be their final stand. Most of the soldiers knew as well, he could see it in their eyes. Defeat mixed with resilience. They would not go down without a fight.

One last flash from the flare filled the sky. The creatures started raining down on the red rock in front of them. David flipped the visor on his helmet down. 'This is it,' he thought. "Fire at will!" He yelled, and the war began again.


Vague references are not necessarily bad, but the phrase 'fiery abominations' confused me a lot as did the raining creatures. These details are not necessarily bad, but the vague references do not add to intrigue unless they are mentioned more vividly. Here, they just made me raise one eyebrow. The most interesting thing about your prologue so far, for me, is that David and his regiment are preparing for battle but no war begins until the last line. It makes me wonder why they are preparing for a war that has not begun... and how they know so much about these raining creatures if they have never fought the enemy before. Some things to consider when you revise.

The vague references and intrigue would be much more powerful if you gave us clearer images. Defeat mixed with resilience is an interesting thought, but the characters are described very vaguely, and overall vagueness repels me rather than attracts me. Pull me in with your characters and the situation, not with strange tactics of fighting that are referenced so vaguely. Try to get a better image of the scene and really hone in on the characters and the situation at hand.

Again, you have the idea of an interesting prologue, but it needs some tweaking, and I think you need to think about what deserves emphasis a little more.

On your chapter

All right, I am going to address a few specific sections here and then sum up my thoughts at the end. I'll explain as I go.

Twenty one year old,(no comma necessary) David Young,(omit comma) sat in the room, twiddling a piece of paper,(erm, no comma!) with a single number on it,(goodness, you like commas! unneeded!) in his fingers. Waiting was not a strong point for him, and(,) thanks to the WSA's (World Salvation Army's) recent request for more soldiers, it looked as if he was going to be waiting a while.


First, grammar-wise, take a look at those commas. I think it's time for some punctuation review.

Hmm, I think we have a telling problem here. Now, I'm not a 'show; don't tell' fanatic. I think the way you tell us that waiting is a problem for him is insightful and well done, but I think it comes too early. I would like to see more of his nervous, impatient mannerisms before you tell me that. That way I can get the impression and then have a silent chuckle and nod to myself when you tell me. This is your first paragraph to introduce David; make it vivid.

Now, he sat in a large waiting room, with hundreds of chairs and far to(should be too) many people. 'At least I have a chair,' he kept telling himself, happy he didn't have to stand for the many hours he had been there.


This is a perfect moment to give us a little setting. Take advantage of it. I would like to get a better feel for your world and for this culture. As you have said, this is Science Fiction. That means it is important to familiarize us with your society and setting.

Another person rushed to take the seat. He had short blonde hair, spiked in the front, blue eyes, was about six foot two, and was fairly muscular. A good soldier, thought David.


Eh, I have issues with this immediate, purely physical description of the character. You present us with this detailed image of a man, but the reader, honestly, does not care about this man yet because we do not know him. When I first read this, I frowned and wondered why it was necessary. Not until Shawn started talking did I realize he was being setting up to be important. Intoduce us to Shawn by focusing on his character, not on his appearance. Give us a feel for him through his mannerisms and reactions. Wait to insert a few physical descriptions until the reader cares.

"Seriously? I got 913!" The man replied.
"Imagine that."
"Yeah, imagine that." The man paused. "What's your name?"


This was a great characterization moment. Very nice! :D

"Shawn Williams, 19 years old, weapon of choice, JS-12 knife."
David smirked, the JS-12 was nice back in its day, but nowadays, it was nothing. Shawn caught the gesture.
"What?"
"Nothing," David snickered. "Twenty one," he told him his age.
Shawn nodded. "Don't underestimate the knife,"


This dialogue was hard to follow. The sudden topic change could use to be accompanied by some body language/action guidance on the part of the characters.

"Good," Shawn said, one eyebrow raised.
They sat in silence for five more numbers. Watching as slowly people (awkward) got up and went through the door, to their interview. As each person left, a group of people rushed in to take the chair.
"If you don't think the JS-12 is good then what do you think is?" Shawn finally asked.


The eyebrow raised reaction is a bit strange; I think that bit of body language could use some thought and elaboration. Also, this JS-12 conversation is striking me as a little odd. I know you're trying to develop your characters and introduce us to your world, but I would caution you not to resort to conversations that have no lasting significance just to achive this. Is JS-12 becomes a serious issue or significant symbol/conflict later in the story, kudos to you. If not, this conversation needs to revamped or at least reconsidered keeping intent in mind.


"Sit," the general said.
David surprised, and angry at the man's rudeness, quickly took his seat in front of the desk, in a comfortable black, leather chair.
"Why are you here?" The general asked.
"I want to help save my world, sir." David replied, confidently.
"Don't give me that crap, no one really joins for that reason," the general sighed.
David had always had anger problems, and what the general said made him pretty angry. He tried to hold back, but couldn't. "What is your problem?" He yelled. "You ask people to sign up, desperate for more men, then when one comes in, wanting to help save the world they live in, you turn them away, claiming they lie! If you don't want my help, then you wont get it!"


It has been mentioned that this part seems unrealistic. It does. And it's not because you don't explain why the main character is freaked out by the word 'sit'. It's because there is next to no build-up. First, I'd like to address the army general. We do not know David very well yet; we don't know what he's expecting out of the army general. Obviously not the reactions he gets. So what does he expect? Setting up this expectation will make his reaction more feasible. Because if David knew what to expect out of military recruiters, why on earth would he react this way? He strikes as extremely inexperienced when it comes to the military, but you give us a very different impression when he starts talking weapons with Shawn. This needs some elaboration and thought. Establish David's expectations, and his violent reaction to his expectations being shattered will be more realistic.

But that still doesn't fix your build. Right now, David walks into the office, takes a look around, the general tells him to sit, David is slightly ticked, the general mocks his reason for joining and the kid explodes. Okay, David's reactions will be more realistic when you work with his expectations, so I have no problem with him exploding. His explosion is great characterization if you make it more realistic. My problem is that David holds careful rein over himself when he speaks to Shawn and seems clever, not impulsive and abrupt. But in this scene, he is absolutely impulsive and abrupt. Hes goes from calm, clever David, to David who takes no more than a few words out of the general's mouth and then storms out. Maybe you want to emphasize the two sides of his character, but either way, you need more build, because right now he is coming across as inconsistent and the storming out is abrupt and sloppy. What kind of build? I would suggest some verbal jabbing. David has a verbal duel with Shawn; why not demonstrate that quality with the general? Execept the general eventually touches on things that seriously anger David and then David explodes. Some precursor verbal jabbing can help you show the slow destruction David's control undergoes and it creates tension before the explosion. Climactic, character-significant moments are no fun unless there's some rising action. This build-up work will also mitigate the problem with his 'anger problem' being abrupt.

So, yeah, I got that the way the general said "sit" is what angered David, but the scenes needs some 'expectations establishing' and 'build-up' work.

As for your ending, I have few problems with it. I like how you shift to another set of unknown characters talking about David. It really does help to establish his importance, and I like that shift. Well done, in my opinion. Overall, a nice piece. I have already addressed your characterization and the build-up, but I'm just going to summarize some revision points.

1. Characterization. As I have mentioned, make the reader care before you describe physical aspects. The reader has to care to remember, so there's no point in bringing that up until the reader is going to commit it to memory. Also, take advantage of character and setting moments to give us a more vivid image of your characters' mannerisms and what is happening. You are writing Science Fiction so immersing us in your world is vital.

2. Build-up and expectation setting. Yeah, work with that explosion a little more. It's great characterization, but it's coming across as phony and abrupt because of the vague expectations David has and the lack of build-up.

3. Commas!!! I did not point out all of these, because I think this is something you need to revisit on your own, but a lot of your commas were misplaced. Unneded commas and a few missing commas. I would suggest taking a look at some of your comma rules again and then proofreading your piece for grammar issues. Not something I'm going to line-by-line your story for, but grammar is important.

All in all, a very nice beginning. :) I would be interested in reading more. Keep writing and if you have any questions, please do PM me. Happy writing!
~ WD
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Sat Oct 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Stealth_Slicer says...



Hi all

I liked it but even though the core concept was a guy trying to join the military it didn’t seem to show reasons why he was going to join, sure the prologue shows there are some creatures or something attacking but there is nothing ells to suggest why he wants to join.

Moving on from that the protagonist is a very angry character. Not really protagonist material being a rather angry and aggressive. However I think you might surprise us.

All the best
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Mon Oct 12, 2009 9:04 pm
napalmerski says...



Yo,
I found the story's begining quite plausable as sci-fi goes. The begining is dramatic, the waiting/bonding part is convincing. I've read some opinions, that the protagonist loosing his temper and the general's reaction are not realistic. I wouldn't say that.

What you have here, is what I tend to do - show the bare bones of the story, like a minimalist theater play - that's what arouses suspicion.

So what I recomend is simple beefing up:

1) add two more explanatory sentences inside the protagonist's head concerning his rage explosion;

2) add two more clerks or corporals sitting with the general (an evaluation team headed by the general)

3) add a hint of the general remembering the past (perhaps his personal past) as he gazes at the destroyed door

And with that, I think we have dealt with the "this couldn't really happen" reaction to the whole scene.
You're a sci-fi writer.
So what's possible or isn't is entirely up to you.
Your only duty is to package it in a way, which fools the reflexes of the reader into not recoiling in disbelief. Good luck.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
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Sat Oct 24, 2009 10:10 pm
Tadeusz says...



I enjoyed this. I maybe a newbie but always enjoy a good men v.s beast story. Through the army must be desperateif to have a genral interview the men. Still I like were this is going.
  





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Sat Oct 24, 2009 11:18 pm
wanted2Bcriticized says...



the FIGHTING FIRE.. :smt072



It's really a nice one..

Well I guess.. Maybe the prologue seems unnecessary since your story is not yet done.. But I actually love it..

If I'll be reading your story in a book, I might appreciate it a lot.. I've read some books of the same pattern, and I loved them! :smt045

Probably.. The prologue would actually be in notice in the middle of your chapters.. or maybe in the end.. Since you said that "end of the world" would be coming in this story..

and your Characterization is quite random.. The guy's attitude didn't sink in me much.. but I guess it'll sink in after I read your next chapters..

Here are some points I just wanna correct:

"If you don't think the JS-12 is good then what do you think is?"


I guess you'll just need a comma between good and then.
And I think it would sound nicer if you put it somewhat like this...

"If you don't think the JS-12 is good enough, then what do you think is?"


and...


He showed David his permanent scowl, as David entered the once again, dully colored room.


hmm.. if it's like this..

He showed David his permanent scowl, as David entered once again, the dully colored room.


I'll be able to comprehend it more...

but it's FORGIVABLE!! I love the way you make it sound so.... :idea: so like your 'David' <I can't remember the word.. my apologies> :smt010


but I don't think you're into correction of your grammar..
I think you're into suggestions of your story..
<well, I've stated it already.. hope you'll appreciate them>

and the TITLE.. It caught my attention, though it is still meaningless in the story you've given.. but that made me want to read your next chapters!!!.. :lol:
...I'm someone who...
wanted 2 B criticized
  








u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
— ShadowVyper