Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed

by Deifyance

Published February 27, 2014

16+

In Bruce Witherfield

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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Here is the first Chapter if you would like context:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=106283

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Chapter 2

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Ambushed

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Charles and Markus sat in a grungy Chinese restaurant, their backs agains’t the wall, allowing them to keep watch on then entire establishment. The lights flickered above them, and Markus swore he saw mice scatter from beneath the corner booth in which they sat. A thin cloud of smoke hung in the air. But that didn’t stop Markus from keeping a strong, unwavering lookout. Nothing was withheld from Markus’s eye, which scanned the room incessantly. The two were tense. They hadn’t been in this place for quite a time.

“Are you sure she hasn’t stood you up again?” Markus gruffly whispered to Charles, who chewed on the straw of a lone drink sitting in front of him.

“I’m sure. She wouldn’t give up an opportunity like this.” Charles answered, his tone confident. Markus grunted his doubt and kept scanning the room. They sat there for a time, then Markus suddenly bolted upright.

“There she is!” He whispered loudly, discretely pointing toward the entrance. Charles looked in the direction Markus was pointing. Sure enough, there she was, dressed in a black hoodie that cast her face in shadow. She wore a pair of ripped skinny-jeans and all sorts of jewelry dangled from her wrists. Her hands where seated deeply in the pocket of her hoodie. She scanned the room, then having spotted Charles and Markus, she began to approached them.

The woman was shorter than Markus thought, standing barely above Charles head while he was sitting. The woman slid into the opposite side of the booth and pulled back her hood, revealing a woman in her late twenties, with long blonde hair, and thick black eyeliner.

“Marissa.” Charles smiled. He put his hand out, and Marissa just looked at him with a dead stare. A waitress approached the booth and inquired Marissa about ordering. Marissa turned to the waitress, and a thin smile stretched across her face. She ordered a meal, then thanked the waitress. She turned back to Charles, adopting the death stare once more.

“I sure hope you’re paying, else I’m going to have to dine-and-dash, and I rather wouldn’t, as I actually kind of like this place.” Her voice was smooth, and clear, sounding like a singers voice. Charles nodded and smiled.

“Of course. It’s on me. As long as you can help us.” Charles held a smile despite his growing annoyance at the whole ordeal.

“Well, seeing as you owe me one, and you need me. I think it’s more than fair.” Marissa shot a sarcastic smile at Charles.

Charles pulled a small zip-locked plastic bag out of an inside pocket of his coat. He set it on the table and slid it over to Marissa, who took it in her hands and looked it over.

“A sock. Really?” Marissa said in a tone matching more of a teenager than a grown woman. Charles nodded.

“It’s the sock a a boy that was attacked not too long ago.” Charles said.

“So let the MP’s figure it out.” Marissa said, she slid the zip-locked sock back to Charles.

“This is beyond them.” Charles said, sliding the sock back to Marissa. “We’ve never seen a footprint like this, at least not in the last hundred years that we’ve been keeping track.”

Marissa took the zip-locked sock and turned it over in her hands. She looked it over with a trained eye. Her food was set in front of her, yet she didn’t seem to notice. She kept turning the sock over and over. Finally, after a few moments she looked up at Charles, who sat patiently.

“I’ll need to take this home with me.” She said. Charles nodded and began to slide out of the booth, he pulled out his wallet to pay for her meal.

“Who was the boy?” Marissa looked over at Markus. Who’s gaze led to Charles. Charles paused, His face fell.

“Someone special to me.” Charles said, his voice gruff. Marissa nodded and continued to look at the sock. Charles set a wad of cash down on the table and turned to leave. Markus trailing him.

A man dressed in a dark hoodie slammed into Charles’s shoulder. Charles stepped back and began to apologize. The man straightened and threw his hood back, his face hard, and his eyes completely black. Charles’s mouth closed as he realized what was happening.

“Marissa, run!” Markus yelled as he leaped in front of Charles. The man pulled back his fist, which was adorned in a black set of Brass Knuckles, glowing purple inscriptions marking the front side, the glow intensified as his fist wound back. The man struck Markus in the chest, sending him flying back across the room and against the wall. The man kept moving toward Charles, his face contorted in anger. Charles stepped back, His jaw tightened.

Marissa, leaped out of the booth. She ducked behind some booths and, realizing her opportunity, she snatched the whole wad of cash on the table and quietly moved away from the fight. People were rushing toward the door, a girl somewhere was screaming. Marissa looked over at Charles, who was backing away from the hooded man.

“What do you want?” Charles asked, his voice steady. The man smiled, his black eyes devoid of emotion. In a flash, the man leaped forward swinging at Charles. A loud crunch told of a failed assault. Charles looked down at what was left of the mans hand, the bone tore out of his forearm, the Brass Knuckles lost in a mess of bone and sinew. Charles looked back up a the man, now a horrified expression on his face.

“H-How?” The man mumbled, he held what was left of his arm. He backed away, bumping into a booth. Charles grabbed a napkin from a booth and tried in vain to wipe the blood off of his coat. He shot a glance over at Markus, who was picking himself up off the floor. Charles look at the mumbling man, who was backing away in defeat. Charles took a step toward him and, in one swift motion straight-kicked the man all the way across the room, causing a loud bang, followed by a hole in the opposite wall. The man was no-where to be seen.

Charles walked over to Markus and gave him a hand up.

“You shouldn’t have done that, sir. We could have taken him alive and questioned him.” Markus was breathing heavily.

“You know you didn’t have to block that for me.” Charles said in a gruff voice, avoiding the question. Charles and Markus moved through the destroyed and now empty Chinese restaurant toward the hole in the side of the building. The yellow glow of street lamps outside caused a sort of halo to glisten around the gaping hole. Markus stepped through, blood splattered the pavement beyond.

Markus saw a crumpled heap laying a few feet from the hole. He moved to it, and reached down. The body of the man lay, blood everywhere. Markus rummaged through the mans belongings, he pulled out a wallet, and a destroyed cell phone. He handed both to Charles.

Charles pocketed the wallet and pulled the SIM card out of the phone, before throwing the crushed device back onto the corpse.

“What a mess.” Markus muttered to himself. Markus looked over at Charles, his expression a mixture between worry and confusion. “Cover?” Markus asked. Charles nodded, and the two walked back into the store. Markus waved his hand, and muttered something under his breath. “There. All fingerprints gone, and that security camera is fake.” Markus said, nodding towards a plastic camera above the register. “What about Marissa?”

Charles looked back at Markus, his face expressionless. “She’ll come find us when she is finished.” Charles pushed open the door to the restaurant and stepped out onto a deserted street, sirens blaring in the distance. “We had better get home.” Charles said, looking over at Markus, who nodded in agreement. They walked calmly towards a nearby parking lot. The sirens grew louder, and they ducked into their luxury car just as firetrucks and an ambulance blazed past, lights flashing.

The engine roared to life. Markus sat in the passenger seat, which was new as he usually did the driving. But, he knew that Charles liked to drive whenever he was feeling stretched. “I wonder what is so special about that damn boy.” Charles said, clenching his teeth. “I can’t understand any of this.” Markus just sat, knowing that silence right now was the best option, he was content with watching the city fly past his window. They sat in silence for a time, the scenery gradually changed to the countryside, they passed a sign reading: ‘Now leaving Albany, Georgia.’ And suddenly they were in the mountains.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
lace182
Review
lace182 wrote a review Review · Mar 17, 2014

You write ok. Your vocabulary is ok. Your plot is ok. Your punctuation is so-so. All of it needs work but it is a good start. You have the ability to imagine your setting and dialog. That is good. I suggest you work on word choice, giving your characters stronger, clearer emotion, and edit out anything that isn't necessary. I want to give you some examples.

I will begin with an example of your style that is distraction. - 'Nothing was withheld from Markus’s eye, which scanned the room incessantly.'

Really? Nothing was withheld? Who would have done the withholding if something were to be withheld? And he scanned incessantly. Incessantly. That is a lot of scanning. It leaves no time to look at someone. You have chosen words that are extreme in a non-extreme situation. I think someone would scan incessantly in a fight where they are looking for an enemy. At a restaurant they would glance around which would give them time to look at their table partners.

My next example will be - 'chewed on the straw of a lone drink sitting in front of him' - If he has more than one drink then that was something to say rather than mention a lone drink, which is something I will assume especially since he chews on his straw. That suggests his drink has been there for a while and is, therefore, a 'lone' drink. In other words, you could write 'he chewed on his straw' and that would be enough to tell me he is nursing a drink and bored or juvenile.

'Marissa turned to the waitress, and a thin smile stretched across her face.' - I can think of many reasons for a thin smile. I should understand her reason when I read such a line. I don't.

Your punctuation is wrong. Look up punctuation for dialog. “I’ll need to take this home with me.” She said. It should be - "I'll need to take this home with me," she said. Note the comma vs the period after the quotation marks.

Another example of word usage. You don't need to 'adorn' the man's hand. If you simply say he wore the black Brass Knuckles (wouldn't they be black knuckles then?) you will have a stronger sentence with a harder hit. Such as - The man pulled back his fist. He wore a black set of Brass Knuckles, glowing purple inscriptions marking the front side. The glow intensified as his fist wound back. - By the way, don't run sentences together. Look for subjects and verbs and unless you join the sentences with 'and' or 'but' or something of that nature you have two sentences. Use a period not a comma. You wrote - 'glowing purple inscriptions marking the front side, the glow intensified as his fist wound back'

I suggest you consider how your characters appear to your reader. You have a man attacking who has all black eyes. That suggests something more, or perhaps less, than human. How does a man who initiates an attack and who seems inhuman get reduced to - '“H-How?” The man mumbled, he held what was left of his arm. He backed away, bumping into a booth.'

I have not read the previous chapter so maybe you have a set of pseudo bad guys that fall apart at the first attack. I do understand his hand was ripped off but a human wouldn't back away if that happened. They would bleed to death and wail in agony. If the baddie didn't know who he attacked then what was the point of his attack, especially being a black-eyed thug? Seems non-congruent to me without further explanation or at least surprise on the part of your main characters.

By the way, Marissa is a snit for taking the money. I don't like her. Good job. It's always a good job to get an emotional reaction from you reader and you did.

Over all I believe you have the makings of a story. The plot interested me. I wondered at the sock. That seemed a unique way to gain interest. I recommend you be careful that your main characters know too much about their surroundings. Define their capabilities early and stick to them. All too often authors forget what their characters can do and either make them capable of doing anything or forgetting how they can get out of a scrape easily. For instance, I don't ever want to see Markus caught on a camera, by fingerprints, or without reliable transportation.

I hope my review helps. Thanks for the submission.

That was amazing! Thanks so much for the review. I regret posting this so soon, as it was a rough draft. I'm currently rewriting the entire story to add more character quirks and development.

User avatar
Liaya
Review
Liaya wrote a review Review · Mar 6, 2014

So I haven't read your first chapter. . .sorry. . .but I rather think I'll try to when I have time, because I'm really curious about this "Charles" character as well as the boy he wants to find. Anyway, I love the way you've set things up and your description and all that--the only problems I noticed were technical. WATCH OUT FOR COMMAS, SPLIT SENTENCES, AND RUN-ON SENTENCES. That's really the only kind of thing I noticed with your writing, but I noticed it a lot. Remember, if you're reading the sentence aloud and there's a comma but you don't pause, get rid of the comma. Almost more of a problem than that, however, were split up sentences. For example, you write, "Well, seeing as you owe me one, and you need me. I think it's more than fair." This would run more smoothly as a single sentence, such as, "Well, seeing as you owe me one, and you need me, I think it's more than fair."

Anyway I hope this helps a little, and I'm sorry I don't have time to point out specific problems. I enjoyed this and hope you post more soon!

Thank you for the review! Grammar isn't my strong suit, as I normally have other people proofread for me. (Even with several English courses taken, mind you.)

Take a look at the first chapter if you're interested! 3rd will be up soon.

User avatar
Deifyance
Comment
Deifyance commented Comment · Feb 27, 2014

I can't believe I did that...

I left it in draft mode, thinking I had published it. Took me 2 months to figure it out.
*facepalm*

Liaya replied · Mar 6, 2014

Haha, I've done that before! Don't worry, you aren't the only one. :)



u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
— ShadowVyper