Young Writers Society

The world around the building was engulfed in flame. At its severe angle, the four-story condominium was almost a mirage to the city behind it, like an optical illusion. A man in his mid-twenties gazed through its grimy window, deep in thought.
They would never find him, he knew that. Even if they did stumble across his hide-out, they could never find what lay below it.
But staying alive didn't matter to him anymore.
"If they could only find me," he mumbled.
No, he thought more firmly. Though she was gone, he still had her will to carry out.
Pain rattled his brain as memories of her washed his mind of all other thought. Her tousled golden hair, the pink flush that crossed her fair skin. Her deep, murky eyes, the precise color of honey.
He continued to watch the city burn in the fires of war. Everyone he knew was surely dead by now; and if, somehow, one of them managed to survive, they would find them.
They will never find me. I will be the last survivor in Seattle. His rendezvous ensured that. But he was not a particularly selfish kind of man. Seeing people die while he survived... Was too much for him.
In his left hand, he held sleeping medication. With his right, six pills. He swallowed them as one.
Three minutes following, the man dropped to the ground, unconscious.
Somewhere, at the back of the room, a child wailed.
At the opposite end of town, a young woman waited at the back of her closet.

Well, firstly, it IS very short, even for a prologue. It's so short, I question whether it's necessary for the following novel - if it is, then you could flesh it out a bit more, I suppose.

The world around the building was engulfed in flame.

"Engulfed in flame" is overused, but I like the suggestion that the building is a world unto itself. However, this is a point you could build on, if you wanted to lengthen the prologue. Flame lends itself brilliantly to description. Having said that, you don't want filler... it's a bit of a conundrum for me; hopefully you'll get another critique to help you sort it out.

like an optical illusion.

This simile seems contradictory. You've just said that the building is almost "invisible", only to compare it to something you stare at and focus on. Do you mean a mirage? If you do, you can elaborate further here. Similes are supposed to stretch the reader's eyes to see what you see, and as yet this one seems leaden and a little pointless.

her deep, murky eyes, the precise color of honey.

You've been listing before this clause, and though I assume you're describing the eyes as honey-coloured, it read to me like a separate description of this woman, which is confusing. If you want to list like this, using commas within each point as well as to separate them, perhaps you would be better off with semi-colons. It's not done very often anymore, but I've seen it in some older books. If you did that, the sentence would read:

Her tousled golden hair; the pink flush that crossed her fair skin; her deep, murky eyes, the precise color of honey.

I think it makes the whole sentence a little clearer.

I like your idea, even if I know little about it from the prologue. Dystopia? But equally, I know very little about the characters, but with a prologue I don't suppose that was your intention. I inferred that the novel will focus on the child; am I right? On second thoughts, if you're going to post the rest of this, I wouldn't answer that.

If you can build on this any further without just making up the word count, do. As yet, there's nothing here to mark this out as your own work, with a style that's your own. Try to build in a few unique phrases that belong to you rather than rely on the "tousled golden hair" phrases that reminds the reader of something else, read before. However, there are no obvious grammar mistakes, so you've clearly got a good enough grasp of your writing to go out and make this a great piece.

caitlin*elizabeth*rose7 wrote:The world around the building was engulfed in flame.

Seems a little purple proseish / confusing. Try : Fire raged through the city, but, for some reason, the building was not burning.

caitlin*elizabeth*rose7 wrote:At its severe angle, the four-story condominium was almost invisible to the city behind it, like an optical illusion.

What I think you should do here is replace 'the building' in the first sentence with 'the four story condiminum.' Instead of 'the four story condiminum' in this sentence, do 'it'. Also, Invisible like an optical illusion? That dosen't really make much sense, try another similie.

caitlin*elizabeth*rose7 wrote:A man in his mid-twenties gazed through a grimy window, deep in thought.
They would never find him, he knew that. Even if they did stumble across his hide-out, they could never find what lay below it.
But staying alive didn't matter to him anymore.
"If they could only find me," he mumbled.
No, he thought more firmly. Though she was gone, he still had her will to carry out.
Pain rattled his brain as memories of her washed his mind of all other thought. Her tousled golden hair, the pink flush that crossed her fair skin, her deep, murky eyes, the precise color of honey.
The man fell to the floor, unresponsive.
Somewhere in the back of the room, a child wailed.

You might want to rewrite this whole section and describe a little more about what is going on. It's very, very short, and you spent over half the time describing appaerances / setting. I want to know more about the fire, or the child, or whatever, not her precise honey eyes.

Other than that, It's got some real potential! Keep working on it, and I cant wait to read more of this story!

Well most people already got everything but there is a few more things I might add.

At its severe angle, the four-story condominium was almost invisible to the city behind it, like an optical illusion

This was confusing, I don't exactly get what you mean. First off, "At its severe angle..." Huh?

It seemed everybody else got it besides for me though so it can't be that big.

the four story condominium invisible to the city behind it, like an optical illusion.

I agree with the person who already said replace the four story condominium with building, it sounds better. But again agreeing with another person the whole optical illusion thing confused me, I would replace it.

A little grammatical error right here:

Everyone he knew was surely dead by now; and if, somehow, one of them managed to survive, they would find them.

Subject pronoun agreement. How does a single person, "Everyone" and "One", turn into many, "Them". Unless I am mistaken that should say him or her. Very common mistake.


And again like sombody else said it is rather short, but if you don't feel comfortable adding to it, don't for it may ruin it instead of fix it.

Other than that I really enjoyed it and thought it was great. I have to admit it did grab my interest and I was upset when I finished reading it.

All in all nice job and keep it up.

~Author of 15

It sounded a bit confused to me, see he says he doesn't want to die because he still has her will to carry on, then kills himself. Without waiting you immediately jump to the child, and while not giving us time to think about that, to the woman. It was pretty well written, and nice. I'm sure it'll turn out as a very interesting story, but I can't get over the rush here. You have time, this is short. All in all, I liked it. And maybe you made it like this on purpose so that you could explain later on.
Keep writing!
ofir

Hey everyone

Thanks for critiquing, this is probably the shortest piece I've ever written, and I've concluded that prologues are quite a handful.

For now, though, I will not be posting much more of this story, and will be editing like crazzzy (I'm having a lot of plot errors)

So, for a couple weeks maybe, I'll post a few of the ideas I've had for short stories instead (they're flying through my head like bees)

Oh, and does this seem like a story could possibly be (my worst nightmare) cliché? I know that it's verrry vague, and even more so short, but the prologue (as I should have wrote before) takes place in 2012 Seattle (I'll explain what happened later in the story
) and the actual story's main setting is the same area, eight years following. It mainly deals with murder and spies from other countries and *phenominalpsycicpowers* (that was supposed to sound *epic*) Anyways...

Thank you all again! (and again and again...)

*cccaitlin

Hey everyone

Thanks for critiquing, this is probably the shortest piece I've ever written, and I've concluded that prologues are quite a handful.

For now, though, I will not be posting much more of this story, and will be editing like crazzzy (I'm having a lot of plot errors)

So, for a couple weeks maybe, I'll post a few of the ideas I've had for short stories instead (they're flying through my head like bees)

Oh, and does this seem like a story could possibly be (my worst nightmare) cliché? I know that it's verrry vague, and even more so short, but the prologue (as I should have wrote before) takes place in 2012 Seattle (I'll explain what happened later in the story
) and the actual story's main setting is the same area, eight years following. It mainly deals with murder and spies from other countries and *phenominalpsycicpowers* (that was supposed to sound *epic*) Anyways...

Thank you all again! (and again and again...)

*cccaitlin