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The Virus - 1st Draft



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Sat Aug 08, 2009 11:56 pm
Elinor says...



The world was gray – all parts of it. From the vast ranges where the trees once stood to the tall remnants of the city skyscrapers, earth stood still, a lifeless, gray barren.

Two years was all it took for the virus to spread, killing nearly everyone and destroying nearly everything in its path.

It was December 25th, 2020, and the water of the ocean formerly known as the Atlantic flapped gently, innocently. When people were alive, despite the bitter cold, the day was supposed to be a day of happiness and joy. It was called Christmas. Instead, the newly destroyed and devastated world stood a reminder of the price humans had paid.

Not all was lost, however. A few people, immune to the radiation, still survived. No one was quite sure how it happened, why so few people were singled out to survive when everyone else perished.

One of these people came into view. She was dressed in a dark, metallic brown coat and ivory sweatpants. The girl was nineteen year old Cara Thompson.

“Water.” She said. Her voice was cracked and dry. She was feeling devastated, looking at the ruins of New York City, a place she was hoping to finally call home. She didn’t think a single disease would be able to wipe out a city as big as this. Apparently, she was wrong.

In two years, Cara had had over one hundred homes all across the US – none for more than a month, ever since her town, the town where the virus originated, was destroyed. As she went, each town, too, got destroyed.

Cara didn’t know where to go. She’d crossed one end of the United States to the other. Were there other people left? She hoped there was. She hoped that she could find a way that she would survive.

Cara was kneeling down at the bank of the river. She carried a tiny leather knapsack. She opened it to reveal a bottle of water, a dusty old novel that had been called Tarzan of the Apes (Which was Cara’s favorite), and a bag of chips that she still had from her New York Home.

She took the bottle and filled it with water, drinking thirstily. It looked pretty clean, but there was still the chance that it was contaminated. Cara shrugged. If it was, oh well. She would have died anyway, even if she hadn’t drunk the water.

As soon as she drank a fair amount of the icy water, Cara pulled out her book. It must have been so nice, so long ago when the novel was written, when the world was not in danger of extinction. She enjoyed Tarzan’s story, because he was an outcast, someone who had been cut off from human contact. Until he met Jane. But Cara wasn’t sure that she’d ever meet a Jane.
Last edited by Elinor on Tue Aug 25, 2009 3:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





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Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:26 am
Teague says...



**MOVED** To Science Fiction.
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber
  





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Sun Aug 09, 2009 2:15 am
KJ says...



Hi, ThornedRose. I just wanted to let you know that I like this. There's not much, but I honestly wasn't annoyed by anything and I think it's well-written. The only thing I might change is the fact that this is all telling. Nothing is happening. You're informing the reader of the facts. Try to find a way to show us all of this, if you could. Maybe she runs into a sgtrange man and they have a conversation that reveals this? Eh, bad example, but you see what I mean, I hope.

There is this one nitpick:

In two years, Cara had had over one hundred homes all across the US – none for more than a month, ever since her town, the town where the virus originated, was destroyed. As she went, each town, too, got destroyed.

I wouldn't call the places "homes". Home is a place where you can relax, eat with your loved ones, be happy, you know? And would she really be counting? Isn't Cara kind of dazed or despressed? And where is her family, anyway?

I did like this. Keep writing and hope I helped.
  





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Sun Aug 09, 2009 1:20 pm
Elinor says...



Her family is dead, I thought that'd be kind of obvious. And as for the telling, I'm not really sure what to do about that because I don't want her to run into someone for at least a good period of time. Because even though WE know that there is going to be somebody else, I want her to be in doubt for a while. It's fun when you know things and the character dosen't. ^.^

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

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Sun Aug 09, 2009 2:22 pm
ZaddieCaso says...



Hi Rose, just giving you a quick review :)

The world was gray – all parts of it


Okay as a first sentence it does draw me in but I have a bit of reluctance to the last part "-all parts of it", I can't really put my finger on it. It doesn't seem to fit. I would take it out to be honest.

Two years was all it took for the virus to spread, killing nearly everyone and destroying nearly everything in its path.


Take out the all, you don't really need it. Also I have a problem with the second bit, "Destroying everything in it's path" Why exactly? Go into explanation of what happened when people died, how the city become run down because there was no one to care for it. What about cholera and the rotting bodies! You have so much room for expansion here, at the moment it seems that the entire world's population dying out wasn't a big thing.

Instead, the newly destroyed and devastated world stood a reminder of the price humans had paid.


A price for what, celebrating Christmas?

One of these people came into view. She was dressed in a dark, metallic brown coat and ivory sweatpants. The girl was nineteen year old Cara Thompson.


Whoa, hang on a second. You haven't even told us the setting yet! She comes into view for where? We need description of the scenery.

In two years, Cara had had over one hundred homes all across the US – none for more than a month, ever since her town, the town where the virus originated, was destroyed. As she went, each town, too, got destroyed.


Wow, so she single handedly destroyed the world. I know that's probably not what it is, but it sounds like it.

Until he met Jane. But Cara wasn’t sure that she’d ever meet a Jane.[


This probably isn't the case, but is she gay then. I know you probably mean the equvilant to Jane but it would be an intersting twist, something really orginal if she meet a girl instead of a boy,

Charcter Development;

Okay we don't know anything about Cara other than her age and her name. You say her family is dead but why haven't you gone into it? What about having a flash back to her father or mother reading her the book or something. You don't know if she's shy or outgoing, nothing. Something to work on next chapter.

Realism;

To be honest I think you need to do some research for this, about what happens in areas of extreme poverty where people are dying every day. She would definitely NOT be able to drink the water, especially in New York. And you don't tell us about the virus at all, what are the symptoms. Also you said she traveled across the US. How? I mean a 19 year old girl doesn't just walk! Expand.

Setting;

I think the only thing you've described is the river and her clothes. Come on! Where is the ransacked houses. She's in new york one of the most stunning cities in the world, or at least it used to be.


I did love this but you have to work on it.

Izzy
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