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Bennett asked Camilla out on Thursday. I was there. It was actually kind of cute. After school got out, Camilla and I met in the hallway and walked downstairs to our lockers just like usual. There was a small, white envelope taped to the front of Camilla’s locker. She pulled it off with a grin and read the note inside out loud to me.
“There’s someone that thinks you’re pretty great. He has an important question that he would like to ask you. Do you have an idea who it is? I’ll give you a hint he’s wearing red. Do you think you know? If so, go to the place that we first met.”
Camilla squealed for a good minute. We went to the hallway outside of the choir room because that’s where she and Bennett apparently had their first conversation. There was no boy in red in the hallway and neither of us could see Bennett floating around. She spotted one of his friends and asked where Bennett is. He handed her another small, white envelope.
“He doesn’t want to ask his question in a hallway you see. Do you know who it is now? If he’s not here, where do you think he would go? What about the site of that night, don’t you remember?"
Camilla blushed and I asked her about “that night”. She usually doesn’t keep things like this from me. She brushed it off and told me to follow her. We went to the practice sports field. Apparently she and Bennett came here one night this last weekend, sat under a tree and talked, and then went stargazing. It was “magical”.
Sure enough, Bennett was sitting under a tree close to the field. We walked over to him. He took her hand and asked the magic question: “Will you go out with me.”
I’m happy for Camilla. I am. Bennett is a really nice guy.
I don’t want to be jealous. I don’t want to feel bitter. But deep down, I’m both of those things. I’m a senior in high school. My one and only boyfriend was when I was a freshman. That’s pathetic.
Is there something wrong with me? I’m nice. I’m smart. I’m pretty easy to talk to. I’m kind of pretty. What is the problem here?
It’s just not fair. Girls like Camilla can get any guy they want so easily. She’s had [i]so many boyfriends. I love her and all, but she’s not the best girlfriend. She gets bored really easily and then dumps the guy. I think I would make a great girlfriend. Someone just needs to give me the chance.
Now that she has a boyfriend, all she wants to do is spend time with him. I get it, but I still think it’s a little annoying. I miss my friend. I miss doing my nails and gossiping with her every Friday night.
It’s a Friday night and I’m stuck at home, by myself, once again. I have friends other than Camilla, but they’re more school friends. We talk at school and hang out at school events but rarely do anything outside of that. Camilla is the one I spend most of my time with so when she’s in boy-crazy mode, I’m often alone.
I’m sure my family is home too. My parents only seem to leave when they have to go to work or the store and my brothers have to rely on my parents to get anywhere and seem to prefer staying here and causing mayhem together.
I know some families have “family night” and the kids aren’t allowed to go out or have friends over and everyone gathers in the living room and watches a movie or plays board games and talks about life. I don’t have one of these families.
I’m in my room, with the door shut and my headphones in. My parents are probably watching the news or some other boring program on TV and talking about what they just saw when it gets to a commercial break. I don’t want to know what Dennis and Murphy are doing. I think they have some kind of radar in them that will signal when I leave my room so they can attack. The same thing happens with my parents. As soon as my door opens, my mom will call me into the living room and ask awkward questions about why I’m home and where Camilla is. My dad will try and start a conversation about something that doesn’t interest me at all. As lame as it is, it’s probably better to stay in my room.
It’s only 8:30. What am I going to do with the rest of my night?
I suppose I could text Micah. I haven’t talked to him all week. I’ve wanted to but I’ve chickened out each time.
It should be simple. All I have to do is say “Hey how are you?” or “Hey how was your day?” or “Hey” and then some other awesome, conversation-starting question. But what if I’m coming on too strong? What if he thinks I’m annoying?
He hasn’t taken the initiative to text me either so maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me. Maybe he’s really busy. Maybe he’s waiting for me to text him again. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m so frustrated and confused.
I want to scream. I want this to be easier. I bored. I’m lonely. I want someone to talk to. I want Camilla. I want Micah. I have no one. I feel forgotten.
I’m starting to become extremely frustrated with Camilla. She hasn’t talked to me since Bennett asked her out. That was four days ago. We’re supposed to be best friends. Best friends talk. Best friends don’t ignore each other just because they have a boyfriend.
Camilla didn’t even wait for me in the hallway after fourth period today to walk to lunch with me. I grabbed my tray and sat down at our usual table without her. Three freshmen girls sat at the other end of the table and stared at me as I slowly ate my food.
I swear, if I have to sit here alone the entire effing lunch hour with these three stupid girls staring at me, I’m not talking to Camilla for the rest of the week. We eat in the lunch room on Mondays. We have the entire year. She didn’t tell me today was going to be anything different and if she blew me off for Bennett, I’m going to be seriously pissed.
I watched the minutes tick by on my watch and stabbed my rubbery piece of pizza. Worst Monday ever. I don’t even see Micah around with his friends. That’s probably good actually. I don’t want him to see me sitting here by myself like a loser.
Not that he’d notice.
“Hey Ashton!” Camilla stood across the table from me. One hand was holding a plate of food; the other was wrapped in Bennett’s hand. “Sorry we’re so late! I hope you didn’t think we ditched you!” She grinned and sat down across from me. Bennett sat down next to her.
“No, I figured you just got a little held up. Why weren’t you in the foyer after fourth period?” I looked down at my food.
“I wanted to go get Bennett. I thought I would be back in time but he got out of choir later than expected and when I got back to the foyer you weren’t there and I was like ‘crap!’ I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I took another bite of food.
“You’re not mad are you?”
“Don’t worry about it.” I don’t really want to talk about this in the middle of the lunch room with Bennett sitting right here.
Camilla grinned. “Okay good cause I didn’t think you’d be mad but I wanted to make sure. Cause, I mean, it’s not that big of a deal that I didn’t wait for you one time right? Right. It won’t happen again.”
It not that she didn’t wait for me. That’s not what I’m upset about. Well, that contributes to it, but it’s more of the fact that she’s not communicating with me. I just want my friend.
“Bennett doesn’t have choir tomorrow so I was thinking we could go out to eat tomorrow. Want to come with us?”
“I thought Friday’s were our eating out days,” I took another bite of food, avoiding Camilla’s eyes.
“Yeah but, it doesn’t matter that much right? We said we would eat out once or twice a week and we can still eat out on Friday, but Bennett has choir then and they usually get out late so we might not have enough time.”
“I’ll go I guess.”
“Awesome! Let’s meet in the foyer tomorrow before lunch and we’ll go somewhere fun,” Camilla grinned.
“Sounds good,” I forced a smile.
I’m annoyed. I don’t really know why I’m so annoyed, but I am. I feel like Camilla isn’t making time for me anymore and she only cares about Bennett. She’s breaking our traditions for him and I don’t like it. We’ve always said and always promised each other that we would never let a boy come between us and our friendship is always more important than any relationship with a guy.
I know I should probably tell Camilla how I feel but I don’t want to be the bad guy. They just started dating. I don’t want to be the needy, pathetic friend that says “stop hanging out with your boyfriend because I’m lonely and lame”.
It’ll probably get better in a couple of weeks once the preliminary excitement wears off. If not, I’ll talk to her then.
I didn’t bother waiting around for Camilla after school. I went straight home. I’m not in the mood to see her fawning over Bennett, or be ignored, or have Bennett look at me awkwardly clearly without a clue as to what to say to me.
I don’t get what his problem is and why he never speaks to me. Do I have some kind of sign on my forehead that says “If you’re male, Stay Away”?
I’m just really frustrated. I didn’t see Micah at school today, I haven’t talked to him in a week, and I really need to do something to keep my mind off of the fact that Camilla is really starting to annoy me.
Screw it. I’m texting Micah.
Sunday November 21, 3:02 PM: Text Message from Ashton Everwright to Micah Smalling.
Ashton: Hey Micah. You free? I’m super bored and want someone to talk to
He’s not going to text back. He’s probably hanging out with friends or something. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I grabbed a couple of cookies from the kitchen, went back to my room and shut the door. My phone buzzed.
Micah: Hey Alice! Sure! What’s up?
Oh thank God.
Ashton: I’m at home. Bored. Kind of annoyed. You?
Micah: I’m alright I guess. Why are you annoyed?
Ashton: It’s been a long couple of days
Micah: I feel ya. I was not excited to go back to school today.
Ashton: Same. Well, I was excited to see someone and talk to her but she’s really getting on my nerves
Micah: Oh?
Ashton: My friend Celeste.
Micah: Isn’t she your best friend?
He remembered! That was like a week ago.
Talking about Camilla makes me kind of upset but it feels nice to get my feelings out to someone else. And of all people to tell, I’m talking to Micah. Who needs Camilla?
Ashton: Yeah. But you’re allowed to get annoyed with your best friend
Micah: What did she do?
Ashton: She just starting dating this guy and now she has no time for me. It’s getting old fast
Micah: Have you talked to her about it?
Ashton: No… It’ll probably get better in a couple of weeks. I can suck it up until then
Ashton: But enough about me… Why weren’t you excited to go back to school today?
My phone stayed silent.
Crap. Did I do something wrong? Is he busy? Should I text him again? He hinted that something is wrong. He said he’s doing “alright I guess”, not good, and what does “I guess” mean? He wasn’t excited to go back to school today. Why? Does he just hate school or did something happen?
Micah: It really sucks seeing someone you once really loved, walking down the hall holding hands with someone else.
Oh my God.
I stared at the screen of my phone. He loved Camilla. He’s not over Camilla. What am I supposed to say to that?
Ashton: I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?
I set my phone down and bit my lip. I want to talk to him about it. I want to help him. I don’t want him to be sad. I feel like my response wasn’t nearly adequate.
Crap.
Micah: Not really. I don’t know you and I don’t really see how you would help.
Ashton: Sometimes talking to someone that’s very far removed from the situation can be really helpful.
The longer I went with no response, the worse I felt. I feel like there’s something churning and crawling in my stomach. I hate this. I messed up.
He’s never going to talk to me again and why should he? He’s right. We don’t know each other. We can play the question game all we want but that’s not the same as talking to someone in person and really knowing them.
Why would he want to confide in me? I’m just some girl to him. I’m nothing special.
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