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Circus Of Song Intro



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Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:36 am
DoomWolfe says...



The Circus Of Song Intro


The demons rounded the corner again, their large, bright red eyes squinting as they rushed toward him. Darulli clenched his teeth and kept going. Stone pillars as tall as a skyscraper surrounded him. His mind ached as they penetrated it with their power. Magic poured into his mind and made the insanity flare again.

It was obvious that he was going insane. Every day he was reminded of the demons and how they wanted to drag him down into the pits of hell. So very frightening were their howls that he would hide in the cellar from them... all alone in the damp, cramped room with only a candle for company. Where had they come from? Darulli always wanted to know, but it was quite impossible to find out how they had emerged from their world. Somehow he knew that they did not belong to this earth. There were no creatures like these demons. He had never seen such a misshapen, beastly, dark thing as this. What with their gaping, cavernous jaws, large, bright eyes, greenish-grey, rotting, thin skin and gangly limbs... who would not be afraid?

Stopping for a breath, Darulli turned and saw them. They had stopped and turned to look at a wide, black portal with wisps of red smoke floating in and around it. One by one they staggered into the portal and finally it disappeared with a sound close to a gasp. Darulli sat down on the cold, white stone and waited. He waited for them to return and continue the chase. However, a good amount of time had gone by and they did not come back. Sighing with relief, he got up and slowly limped down a narrow hallway to a door. The door creaked loudly as he opened it and stumbled into the room. Turning on the light, he looked around and saw that everything was in order. His small, dark red desk sat beside the wooden walls, the familiar paintings of mountains and foreign castles adorned the walls and his many bookcases loitered in random places, their shelves crammed full of books about various things. Darulli quietly walked to his desk and looked at the book that rested on top of it. He opened it and instantly shut it again. Knowing that books would not be able to help him with his quest, he waited. Waiting for his daughter, he closed his eyes and ran a hand quickly through his short, curly, reddish-brown hair.

Darulli was a pale-skinned man with perfect, pencil-thin eyebrows, a long, thin nose, and small lips. His insanity had done nightmares for him seeing as he now had dark circles under his eyes and his lips were always quivering strangely. His daughter, Hilja, looked similar, but she had the beauty and grace of her mother who had died years ago after an awful disease had taken hold of her. He wondered what Hilja would think when she found his body. His skull marred by the gun that was hidden inside his desk, crowded by papers and novels. Knowing that she would be devastated, he frowned and allowed a tear to slide down his cheek dramatically. It had to be done though. There was no other way for him to escape the clutches of the demons that frantically sought his soul. Turning his gaze to the desk, he fumbled with the drawer until it was open and he gazed inside. There it was. The small gun he had bought in town shone in the fading light of the sun. Closing his eyes again, he brought the gun to the side of his head. Could he do it? Probably not, but he would at least try. The trigger groaned as he pulled it backwards. Bang went the gunshot; it echoed into the fading night. So, it began.
In my darkest of hours, would you lead me out of the insanity?
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:43 am
klotrox16 says...



First off, I think you're a wonderful descriptor. I felt the enigma of the character and the apprehension he felt, and the entire text had a nice, even flow. The plot was pretty steady; I knew where you were headed without it being predictable. Never once was I bored. But the one thing I must point out is in this line:
So, it began.
This is a weak ending; cliche and predictable. Use a stronger, more original ending and you'll be set!
Sincerely,
Klotrox
In memory of 1411
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 3:48 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey there! I'm Hawk and I'm here to review.

All right, so this was a good start. I'm definitely intrigued by your story, and you've done a pretty good job of making a setting and introducing us to a character...only to take him quickly away. I love it.

Now, I noticed you tended to bunch a lot of the description together in a couple of adjective-packed sentences. This can be overwhelming for a reader, since it's a lot of details to absorb and try to piece together into an image. I'd suggest slowing down the amount of info you pour out; for instance, when you describe the demons, you just line up all their characteristics and march them down the page, resulting in a very comma-spliced sentence.
What with their gaping, cavernous jaws, large, bright eyes, greenish-grey, rotting, thin skin and gangly limbs... who would not be afraid?

Either cut down on the descriptions to a few general details (for example, you could say gaping jaws, large eyes, and rotting skin) or break it up and mention a trait or two throughout the story -- kind of spread it out so the reader gets bits and pieces of imagery and can put it together in their head more easily.

What I mean by this is that you could say things like, "Darulli glanced over his shoulder, catching a glimpse of rotting arms reaching towards him, propelling him on..." "...their large, dark eyes shone in the torchlight, eager with hunger..." You see how that kind of gives some description, in a hidden way? You're not just placing it all out for the readers to see; you're feeding it to them in tidbits, cleverly hidden in the layers of the actual story and action. This makes for a more seamless read, so that it doesn't feel so much like you're reading a bio on a character, but are getting info that's blended with the storyline.

One more thing I wanted to mention was his so-called insanity -- perhaps you could emphasize how much he believes he's truly insane, thus indicating that he's not really. See, truly insane people never think there's something wrong with them; they believe their actions and such are perfectly rational and reasonable; therefore, you can't convince an insane person that he's mad. By emphasizing that Darulli thinks he's insane, you'll be showing something that most people would think.

For example, when you say, "It was obvious that he was going insane," you could reword it to something like, "It was obvious to Darulli that he was going insane," thus indicating that it's Darulli's opinion of himself that he's crazy, to explain these demons and such, instead of making it sound like a solid fact. I hope this makes sense...please let me know if you need more clarification.

All right! That's all I've got to say. Please let me know if you have any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work!

Cheers!
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 9:58 pm
AstridBartleby says...



I've gotta agree with klotrox16, your descriptions are amazing! I have a real sense of Darulli's deteriorating mind and how he sees the world. And you already know how much I love the names you invent. One thing that sort of sticks with me though is the phrase,
His insanity had done nightmares for him
. I'm not really sure what you mean by this. The wording is a bit awkward. Perhaps something along the lines of "His insanity had wrecked havoc on his body" would explain his condition a bit better.

Other than that though, great start! I'm excited to read more! :)
"Think: who has vans, huh? Soccer moms and serial killers." - Libba Bray Going Bovine
  





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Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:58 pm
Orinette says...



First of all, I'm not a big fan of the right-alignment you've got going on -- I'm not too particular about formatting, usually, but that kind of bugged me as I was reading it. But, perhaps it was intentional, to create a feeling of insanity, to show that this world (and character) are kind of off-kilter? If so, job well done... but it still bugged me. :S

There really isn't a lot here for me to nitpick on, which is a good thing; there were a few points where your word choice felt a little out of place --
his many bookcases loitered in random places

and
His insanity had done nightmares for him

in particular. And like the other reviewers have said, the ending feels a bit cliched and out of place. I would almost prefer it if you cut it off at
Bang went the gunshot; it echoed into the fading night.

; that line had way more of an impact on me than "So, it began".

Other than that, though, this was a very compelling and well-written introduction! You're very good at setting the mood, your imagery is fantastic, and I am personally a big fan of weird names like Darulli and Hilja. :) Here's hoping you post more soon.
"Children see magic because they look for it."
- Christopher Moore
  








Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
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