Young Writers Society

Chapter One

Wyoming waited patiently on the porch for her mom to come home from work. The sun was just setting over the Teton Mountains, making the sky a brilliant array of orange, pink, and purple. Her home in Jackson Hole, Wyoming was on the outskirts of Jackson. Technically she was in Jackson, but everyone referred to the houses on the outskirts of the city to be a part of Jackson Hole.

A quiet summer breeze came from the valley, bringing her the sounds of the road. They were a little off the beaten path but it was beautiful. A two story log house, it was built by the construction firm that Wyoming's mom owned. Wyoming looked at her watch and frowned. Her mom was late again. Probably stopped by the supermarket for something. She hoped it would be fried chicken. Another breeze came through and she heard the sound of police sirens.

They're getting closer Wyoming realized. She turned to go inside when she heard the screeching of tires and sirens. She broke into a run and went for the gun safe upstairs. She quickly typed in the combination and retrieved a shotgun and some ammo. The cars spun out in front of her house as she fumbled with the ammunition. She loaded it and turned the safety off. The shotgun was heavy and it was difficult holding it up. She heard the front door open and close and she stopped breathing.

Everything suddenly seemed to move in slow motion for Wyoming. The person came into sight but Wyoming couldn't quite make him out. He looked completely normal. Brown hair, 5'10", fairly light build. What caught her attention were the eyes. They were a silver color. They seemed to flash at the sight of her, which made her hesitate. He turned right down the hall and time seemed to resume it's normal pace. She jumped out into the hall and raised her shotgun. A bright light filled the hallway before she could fire. It seemed to go on forever.

It ended suddenly and Wyoming felt herself falling. An intense feeling of vertigo suddenly hit her. Just as she felt herself spiraling down into unconsciousness, she noticed the field. Why is it blue? she thought, but the answer would have to wait for later as she went unconscious.

Several feet away from her, the man began to walk out of the field towards the road.

I like, I like a lot. I can't tell you why I like it, but I do. Um, you might want to specify what type of shotgun that is, some shotguns don't have a safety... I wait for more *eyes narrow* There better be...

Honestly, this is very dull. I can tell it was written very academically, and there was a lot of thought put into it, but it's very bland. The use of language is so plain. There's no personality in it, and nothing to make me want to read more. It doesn't sound like you enjoyed writing this any more than I enjoyed reading it.

Questions that should be answered before the story gets going:
Who is this girl? What's so significant about where she lives? What about her will change by the end of the story? Why did she go get her gun? Why should we care that the grass has suddenly turned blue? And how many people can tell exactly how tall a person is just by looking at them?

i think this is really good griffin writer. i liked the description and i like how the action happened right away, it kept my attention. can't wait to read more of it.

The use of language is so plain. There's no personality in it

you pretty much said the same thing about my first chapter, which is fine, i know not everyone is going to like it. but i would be curious to know what your definition of "personality" is? and i know this is a crit site and this is what you are here to do but you should throw in some compliments with your crits; people will take you more seriously then.

Who is this girl?

Her name is Wyoming.

What's so significant about where she lives?

Jackson Hole? Nothing especially significant. That area just has a special place in my heart.

What about her will change by the end of the story?

You don't honestly believe I'll answer that on the first chapter do you?

Why did she go get her gun?

It may have something to do with the sirens coming towards her house along with a high speed pursuit. Why would she be concerned about her own personal saftey?

Why should we care that the grass has suddenly turned blue?

You probably need the next chapter to figure that part out.

And how many people can tell exactly how tall a person is just by looking at them?

Spooks, Soldiers, and people who are about to confront an opponent. I did mention time had slowed didn't I?

It doesn't sound like you enjoyed writing this any more than I enjoyed reading it.

Perhaps. I did finish about 12:30 at night, so there might be a reason it seems so bland. I still think it is appropriate though. I wanted to create a feeling of normalacy with the character, at least initially.

If you think about it, I did it very well. Everything was going find and dandy, then the winds started blowing. Winds of change...

Time to start on the next chapter.

Is this Arkady when she's a little girl? Something about this story just screams this to me.

However, you should describe Wyoming a little bit better. I thought she was ten years old but that doesn't make sense. A teenager? Maybe but not angsty enough for it. Describe at least her age and it will be better.

this is a good start, but in my opinion very random.... she's waiting for her mom to get home...she hears sirens...has a shot gun (what the heck)....falling and goes cuckoo. this needs to be fleshed out more. its not long enough. not nearly descriptive enough. i saw no connection, between the sirens (police i think) and wanting to threaten somebody with a shotgun. Whats up with that?

I'll do my best to smooth it over as best as I can.