Young Writers Society

Whoa...excellent. The opening sentence is magnificent- it really caught my attention. The middle is a bit tedious...nothing I can really pinpoint but it was sort of hard to read. Toward the end it became very interesting again. A couple of grammatical/spelling mistakes, but nothing substantial. Great job.

Thanks for reading.



Chapter 7

I sat down at the table across from Stren and Sean.

“There you are,” Stren said. “Where have you been all morning?”

“That’s some greeting,” I replied.

“Where HAVE you been?”

“Packing.”

“But you’re not going for three more days.”

“Going?” Sean questioned. Where are you going?”

“A secret mission,” Stren answered quickly, winking at me.

I played along. “Stren! We’re not supposed to tell.”

Sean glanced back and forth between us. “You guys actually do things like that?”

“What do you think we do?” I asked.

He considered me a moment. “You’re not going to rob a bank, are you?”

I shook my head, smiling slightly. “No. Not even close.”

“Then what?”

“It’s a SECRET mission,” Stren said, nudging his brother. “We can’t tell you.”

“Aw, c’mon.”

“Sorry, maybe when you’re older.”

“I’m only two years younger than you.”

“Two years can make all the difference.”

“C’mon.” He turned to me. “Falcon?”

“Sorry,” I said. “We—”

A sudden noise interrupted me. A sound much like a horn rang out around the hall, fading in and out. Many of the people in the room stood up, including myself. There was a sudden outbreak of human voices; all trying to figure out what was going on.

“What is that?” Sean asked loudly to make himself heard over the noise.

“That’s the alarm,” Stren explained, equally loudly. “It means that there’s a group of Surface People near the caves.”

“But wouldn’t the alarm tell them where we are? I mean, it’s so loud. Wouldn’t they be able to hear it?”

“No.” I shook my head. “We’re the only ones that can hear it. If any of the Surface People walked in, they would only hear us talking.”

“Calm down! Calm down!” I heard Ilen’s voice rise above both the alarm and the other people. “Go to the Escape Caves. Now!”

Everyone was up and walking towards the door in an instant. Stren, Sean and I were swept along with the rest.

“What are the Escape Caves?” Sean asked.

“A set of caves that are VERY hard to find unless you know exactly what you’re looking for,” Stren told him. “We can hide in there for weeks if we have to.”

Ilen grabbed my arm as I passed through the door. “You’re not going to the Escape Caves.

“What?” Stren demanded, stopping short.

“She’s not going. She has to get to the Gate.”

“She has three days left!”

Sean glanced back and forth between his brother and Ilen, seeming just as lost as I felt. I wanted to stay here just as long as I could… even if that was only three days. And though I could tell that to Stren in an instant, telling Ilen was another story. So I just closed my eyes, listening to their voices and feeling like they weren’t really talking about me, but another girl that I didn’t even know.

“She has to leave now, while she still has the chance. If they catch her they’ll kill her.”

“They’ll kill any of us if we’re caught!” Stren protested.

“I don’t have the time to argue with you!” Ilen gripped my shoulders and my eyes flashed open. “Go to your room and get your things. Diren will meet you there.” He turned swiftly towards Stren and Sean. “Go to the Caves. BOTH of you.”

But Stren had no intentions of leaving me. “Go,” he said to Sean. “I’ll be there soon.”

Sean hesitated.

“Go!”

He took off, following behind the last few people.

“Go with him,” Ilen ordered.

“She’s my best friend, you can’t make me leave her.”

Ilen’s jaw clenched. “Go, Falcon, before it’s too late.”

I turned and quickly walked in the direction of my room. I told myself that I didn’t care what Stren did, but the relief that washed through my mind when he followed me, showed what a horrible liar I was.

We reached my room before Diren and I stepped inside. I hurriedly grabbed my bag and stuffed the last few things I would need into it. When I turned around, Stren was standing at the door, glancing out in both directions to make sure that no one was there.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He turned, pulling a small box from his pocket and handed it to me. “Open it, quick.”

Dropping my bag on the floor, I did, finding a small blue pendant strung on a thin silver chain. I could tell that it was magicked, just by looking at it.

“What is it?”

“Put it on.” His voice sounded urgent, so I obeyed without a word. “NEVER take it off, not even when you go to sleep.”

“Why not? What is it?”

“I can’t explain now. Diren will be here any minute. And if she finds out about it, she won’t be happy.”

“Stren, if I shouldn’t have it—”

“If they knew what it was they wouldn’t let me give it to you. Keep it hidden from them.”

I stared. This was so unlike him.

“Strength!” Diren exclaimed from the doorway. We whirled to face her. Stuffing the necklace underneath my shirt, I told myself that I would take it off when we got the chance. But I knew that I wouldn’t. It was important to Stren that I kept it on. So while I didn’t understand why, it had become important to me.

“What are you doing here, Strength? You should be in the Escape Caves.”

“She’s leaving. I wanted to say good-bye.”

“Fine, then both of you come with me.

I picked up my bag and Stren and I followed her out the door and down the hall.

The alarm continued to ring as we walked. Every time we came to a corner, Diren would hold us back while she checked to
make sure that it was safe. I was used to that. The Elders always checked corners when we were under attack, just to make sure that they weren’t leading their charges into danger. But this time, things were different. We weren’t going to the safety of the Escape Caves. We were going to the Gate where I would leave behind the world that I knew and enter a place where I had no idea what would happen.

As we neared the Gate we began to hear voices, loud voices that I knew did not belong there. We rounded a bend rapidly and Diren pushed us back just as quickly. But I had already seen it: a soldier from the Surface standing with his back to us.

Diren leaned in close to us and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I’ll keep him busy. You two run past, don’t even stop to look.” She didn’t wait for us to nod, but ran straight out and after a moment we heard sounds of a fight.

Stren grabbed my hand and we dashed out. I kept my eyes on the ground, not wanting to see anything. I’d seen too much for one day already. I just wanted it all to be over.

Even after we had passed Diren and the soldier, I kept my eyes down, allowing Stren to lead me along the tunnel. After a moment he pulled me to a stop. I raised my head.

There was the Gate. It looked like a normal doorway at first. Then you realized that you couldn’t see the other side. And then you began to wonder if you’d seen a doorway at all, because the more you looked at it, the more it looked like the wall around it. I wanted to turn around and run. But I couldn’t. I was glued to the spot, staring at a thing that didn’t seem to know what it wanted to be, a thing that would hold my future if I walked through. All I wanted to do was stay in the world I was in.

“What are you waiting for?” Diren yelled, running up. “Go!” I could hear the trampling of boots behind her in the tunnel. Soldiers were coming.

Diren’s voice rang in my ears. “GO!” The word echoed around the inside of my skull. GO! Go! Go…go… I didn’t want to, but I did. I took a step forward and the whole world melted around me, changing. The alarm was gone, leaving things strangely silent. Diren was gone. Stren was gone. I was alone, standing somewhere, staring at something that couldn’t decide if it was a tree or a door… crying.

It's my turn to catch up on my reading. this is excellent. I hate to sound repetitive, but, more? lol

*laughs* yes, sir! More! Coming right up!


Just as soon as I rewrite this really stupid part of the story...

Chapter 8



I jumped to my feet as a branch snapped behind me. I had been sitting for at least a half an hour, leaning against a tree, staring at the Gate. I kept expecting a soldier to burst through it, but I never expected something to come from behind me.

I watched as a girl about my age slowly stepped out of the surrounding greenery. Her long brown hair was drawn back behind a strip of cloth. She wore a light green dress, belted at the waist, that extended past her knees. A slit down the front revealed light green pants that widened slightly at the knee and settled gently around her feet.

She glanced slowly between the Gate and me. “Did you come through there?”

I nodded.

“But you’re not supposed to come for three more days.”

“Something came up. They had to send me earlier than they thought.

She nodded to herself. “What’s your name?”

“Falcon.”

“I’m Distance. You’d better come with me.”

She started walking away from the Gate. Picking up my bag, I followed a few feet behind. Every once in a while she glanced over her shoulder at me.

“What?” I asked after about the fifth time.

Distance turned and waited for me to catch up. “Did you really come through the Gate?”

“Yeah.”

She smiled. “It’s just so incredible.”

“Why?”

She turned away and started walking, still smiling. “Never mind.”

After a few minutes we found a small house, nestled in amongst the trees. A little way off, I could see a barn. Distance ran into the house while I hung back. A moment later she came back out with a woman wearing a simple brown dress. Both came close to me.

The woman smiled, staring at my face. “Erynn,” she whispered.

I started slightly. “That’s not my name.”

“Get her inside,” she told Distance and then walked off in the direction that we had just come from.

Distance beckoned me through the door and into a tiny kitchen. The smell of baking bread floated away from a small oven at the other end of the room. She led me on through two more rooms and up a flight of stairs.

“Where did she go?” I asked.

“Who? My mother?”

I nodded.

“She went to close the Gate.”

I stopped. “To close it?”

Distance turned. “We can’t keep it open all the time.” She pushed open a door on her right and entered it. “This is your room,” she said as I followed her inside.

I looked around. It was a simple room; white walls and a wooden floor with a thick rug laid over it. There was a bed and a dresser. A wide window released light into the room and there was a shelf placed under the windowsill. But besides that, there was nothing. I really didn’t mind. And I got the feeling that I wasn’t meant to stay there for very long.

* * *

It was several hours before Distance’s mother got back. Distance was in the barn by then, and I was up in my room.
It was very different to sit in a room that was above ground, rather than an underground one. From this room I could see trees and grass and the sun, things that I had never taken the time to truly see. Sure, I’d taken a look around the first time that I had come to the Surface just to figure out what things looked like. But I’d never noticed how the plants reached for the sunlight, longing for its warmth. Or how the trees swayed in the breeze, seeming to dance to a hidden music. At least I hadn’t until that day.

Distance’s mother stood in the doorway, watching me as I stood looking out the window.

I was silent for a moment, watching a bird flying from tree to tree. “Is the Surface really like this?” I hadn’t meant to say it aloud, but it just came out.

She smiled and walked to the window to look. “It’s a lot like this.”

I turned to face her, surprised. “How do you know?”

“I used to live on the Surface. I was eight before I became Ciani.”

“So how did you get here?”

“I came through the Gate, just like you.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know.” She turned around and started to leave.

“Ma’am!” I ran after her. “Didn’t they tell you anything?”

She turned at the bottom of the stairs while I halted at the top. “They told me I was leaving. That was really all I needed to know.” She paused. “They don’t have to explain everything, Erynn.”

“My name isn’t Erynn.”

“I’m sorry. But I’ve called you that for so long, it’s hard to stop myself now.” She turned and left. In an instant I had gone down the stairs and followed her into the kitchen.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

She set the jars she was holding down on the counter and turned to face me. “You really don’t know what Erynn Valeen means to everyone.”

“No.”

“If Erynn ever came to the throne, the Ciani might be able to live above ground again. Erynn might be able to make things what they were.”

“But what does that matter here?”

She turned away and picked one of the jars back up. “Things aren’t as perfect here as they might seem.” I could see her turning the jar over in her hands as if remembering things that she wished that she had forgotten. “People don’t like their homes being invaded. And unfortunately the Dragons, Unicorns, and Griffins had no choice but to do just that.”

“What?”

She faced me. “There were people her before us, people we call the Riders. They didn’t like it when we were banished here. Most of us live underground just like the Ciani. The only reason that Distance and I live here is to protect the Gate. If the Riders ever found it, they would try to destroy it. In a lot of ways things are worse for us than they are for the Ciani.”

“Oh?” I didn’t see how that was possible.

“We aren’t the only ones who have magic. The Riders have it too.” She paused. “You have no idea how much we would like to come back to your realm. Erynn could make the possible.”

“But I’m not Erynn.”

She smiled. “Maybe not now. But you will be.”

“Ma’am—”

“Call me River. Ma’am makes me feel old.” She opened the jars and began to make dinner.

* * *


Distance sat back in her chair after dinner, laughing at something her mother had said. I felt so out of place. Distance and River got along so well, laughing and talking, seeming more like best friends than mother and daughter. And I just didn’t seem to fit in naturally.

“You two will have to go to town tomorrow,” River said.

“Why?” Distance asked, clearly excited at the prospect.

“We have to get material to make Falcon some new clothes.” River smiled at me. “I’m afraid you can’t wander around in things like that.” She waved towards my clothes.

I looked down at my shirt. I’d changed my clothes so many times over the years, switching between being Ciani and seeming like a Surface Person, and it didn’t change who I was. I was always Falcon. But this time it was different. This time I was leaving a world behind me forever and I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. It was true, my clothes were nothing special, just a black, woven shirt with silver stitching and silver pants. I could take them off as easily as I could blink. But changing my clothes was also symbolic of changing from one world to another. I didn’t want to, but I knew I would. I had little choice.

“So the two of you can go in the morning.” River glanced over at me. “Is there something wrong?”

I shook my head. “No.”

After about a half an hour we all went to bed. But things kept flying around my head and I found it impossible to sleep, too much had happened that day. That morning I had been in the caves with the rest of the Ciani. And now I was a world away.

Distance knocked at my door and stuck her head inside. “Are you still awake?”

“Yes.”

“Do you mind if I come in?”

“Go ahead.”

She entered, bringing a candle with her. She set it down on the dresser where it would give off the most light and then sat down next to me on the bed.

“So why can’t YOU sleep?” I asked.

“Oh, I can never sleep when someone comes to visit.”

“How often is that?”

“Not often. I wish it was, but most of the time it’s just my mother and I.” She turned and looked at me. “What is it like through the Gate?”

I looked back for a moment before I answered. “It’s… different.”

“Is it nice there?”

“It’s better than nice. It’s…” I dropped off, seeking a word. “Home.” It was all I could come up with.

Distance smiled. “I wish I could go through the Gate.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s different.”

I smiled a little to myself. “So what do you do around here?”

“Well there’s always work to do.”

“And for fun?”

“We read and we talk. We used to play My World, Their World, but we don’t do that as much anymore.”

"What’s that?”

“What? My World, Their World? It’s a singing game that my mother and I play. The first person makes up a verse that starts with ‘In my world’, like” she began to sing:

In my world,
I can fly,
And soar through the clouds.

“And then the next person makes up a verse that starts with ‘In their world’ and contrasts the first. Like”

In their world,
They confine,
Me to walk the ground.
“You try.”

I blinked.

“Come on,” she urged. “Just try.”

I shook my head. “Distance… wishing for something, doesn’t make it come true.”

I had an idea similar to your "All the magic is sent to another world" thing.

Except I was focusing on the Gryphons.

You should focus more on description. It doesn't have to be all that much, just describe what's going on around you as you walk through your story.

yay, more!

I agree, more description would be good, though.

Okay. I'll try to keep that in mind. Thanks for reading you two.

Griffinkeeper wrote:I had an idea similar to your "All the magic is sent to another world" thing.

Except I was focusing on the Gryphons.

The Griffins will come in later. Just wait. *grins to herself*

It would so rock to write a parallel story with a gryphon viewpoint in your world.

It is really odd, you already have an author ready to write fan fiction before the story is even done.

Don't you feel special?

Oh dear! The prologue is awesome! It reminds me of the first LOTR movie, where Gladriel is talking over...

And it's so oralstorylike as well! And the idea is so cool! And...

Dammit, I'm going to have to read the story. ><

A typo for you:

But after ten years of chasing Magicians here and there we was not the only one who was tired.

Not we... he!

Oh wow... it's been a long time since I posted this...

I should warn you that this is by no means finished... it's got some 20-something chapters and was orginally intended to be a trilogy and I was experimenting with a lot of it and it was basically me just writing down everything that came into my head having to do with this character and while I had an ending in mind, I only wrote to about half way through the story and someone please tell me to stop this run-on sentence! *takes a deep breath*

This is amazing! I am in love with the names... particularly Ready and Distance. I'm pretty sure that when I have children you will be called upon for name suggestions. lol.

I may have more to offer later... but for now I just want to comment on something that is confusing to me. You mentioned that the Ciani passed into legend somewhat... yet Falcon is the daughter of the king from before they went into hiding. And I don't recall you mentioning her age... but she is obviously young, I'm guessing 16 or so. How do these two things coincide?

At first I thought this was a re-write of Dragana... and then that brought to mind your story War of Hearts... wait, are those the same? It's been so long....

*singsoffkey* wrote:This is amazing! I am in love with the names... particularly Ready and Distance. I'm pretty sure that when I have children you will be called upon for name suggestions. lol.

lol. I'm honored...

*singsoffkey* wrote:I may have more to offer later... but for now I just want to comment on something that is confusing to me. You mentioned that the Ciani passed into legend somewhat... yet Falcon is the daughter of the king from before they went into hiding. And I don't recall you mentioning her age... but she is obviously young, I'm guessing 16 or so. How do these two things coincide?

Falcon is not the daughter of the King from before they went into hiding. The Royal line passed along knowledge of the Ciani from generation to generation while the rest of the human population forgot about them. Or at least that was how it was supposed to be.

*singsoffkey* wrote:At first I thought this was a re-write of Dragana... and then that brought to mind your story War of Hearts... wait, are those the same? It's been so long....

No, these are not the same. They exist in the same "universe" so to speak, but they are not the same story. Dragana occurs long before the war between the magical and the non-magical.

According to the history that I made up, shortly after Dragana's time, a half-dragon goes half-mad and nearly destroys the entire world. That brings attention to just what these magical beings are capable of and the rest of the population starts to not like them so much which eventually becomes the battle that results in thier banishment to other realms and the forming of the Ciani.

This was weird , this isnt your normal style. ITs still good though.

You managed to tell a whole story of eveloution but keep it interesting, but i do suggest more action but over all you told a complex story in a very good way

It isn't my normal style because it was written quite a while ago. Over a year ago, I think.

This isn't by any means finished, so that's why there isn't more action involved. *goes to see if she can dig up the next chapter*