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A wolf and his girl Chapter 1



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Thu Nov 08, 2007 10:23 pm
Maki-Chan says...



A wolf and his girl
by Maki-Chan m

Chapter 1
The wolf and the girl

" Hey. Are you alive?" A young girl asked.

A little girl was standing over by a large wolf that was all bloody and torn up. The girl had brown hair up in a pony tail, she wore a bulcky brown coat and thick black sweats. She reached her glove covered hand to pet the large wolf. It growled at her; more snow began to fall back down to earth.
" You're a wolf aren't you." She said.
The wolf growled. Its pure white teeth shown out of his lips.
" Where's your pack?" She asked.
The wolf stopped. The girl felt the same way as the wolf, alone.
" Its OK. I'm alone too." She informed him.
She looked around. The area they where at was empty.
" If I leave you here you'll just die. Maybe I should." She murmured to herself.
She reached towards the wolf. It started to growl again.
" If you do that I won't be able to help you." She said.
It kept growling, its bright yellow eyes stayed focased on the little girl.
" I won't turn you in. It would be a waste to have a pretty wolf just die." She finished.
The wolf stopped. What choice did it have. If it didn't except her help it would die. She smiled.
" Good. Stay here. I'll come back with my sled." She told the wolf.

It was winter and the streets were heavily covered in the fresh snow that fell from the sky. She had been heading home from the market with her sled holding the groceries. The moon was not full and it was very dark even with the street lights. The girl returned with a sled with only 2 bags on it. One with milk in it and the other with bread. She pushed the bags over to make room. The wolf moved towards the sled. The wolf barely even fitted on the sled but most of its body was on the sled. The girl had to help it on. After the wolf was secured on the girl pulled the sled. As little as she was she was easily able to pull the sled with the bags and the wolf all the way to her home. Sice the snow was so deep the sled did not touch the cement ground. The girl heaved and hoed. Her heavy breaths could be seen in the cold air. She had difficulty with walking because her legs were easily being swallowed up by the deep snow on the ground. With each step her pants began wetter and wetter. The wolf closed its eyes and listened to every step the girl made. Then after a long time f hearing her foot steps, they stopped. The wolf lifted its head to see a small building almost like a shed.
" This is my home." The girl informed the injured wolf.
Her house was very small and at the very edge of the city. It had one floor and 2 rooms. The main room and the bathroom. The girl turned to face the wolf.She bent down and helped the wolf up.When she got the wolf inside she made a bed for it out of old blankets and pillows. But she brought the wolf to the kitchen area of the room where the floor was tiled. She took out a 1st aid kit.
" OK now I can take care of your wounds." She informed the wolf.
She opened it and to out a bottle of alchohal, to clean the wolf's wounds so the won't become infected. She grabbed a cotton ball and dipped it in the alchohal. She bent down by the wolf." Alright. This might hurt a bit, but it will help." She told it.
She pressed the cotton ball on one of its wounds. The wolf grinnded its teeth but that was all the wolf did. Next she grabbed a role of bandgaging tape and covered its wounds.
After she finished cleaning him and bandaging its wounds she lead it to its new bed.
" You can rest here for the night." She said.
She sat down on the couch. There was no real bed in her house.
" My name's Rukia but you can call me Ruki." She said happily.
After a few hours of talking with the wolf she fell asleep. The wolf fully opened its eyes and looked around the room it was in. The room was lit up by an old fireplace. It kept the whole house warm even it this cold weather.
" This human. Why does she care so much. Like I was her kin. This sucks. But I guess beggers can't be choosers. At least I'm still alive, and I am in a warm and safe place." He thought.
The wolf was in the form of a human man with black hair like his fur coat and pure blue eyes. He was wearing a white T shirt and navy blue jeans.
" I never thought I would be in the debt of a human child." He quietly moaned as he plopped his head on an extra fluffy pillow.
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Tue Nov 27, 2007 11:57 pm, edited 17 times in total.
  





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Fri Nov 09, 2007 4:54 am
lyrical_sunshine says...



I think you jump into the action a little too fast. we don't know who Ruki is and we don't know who Raven is. We have no reason to care about them. Embelish the story a little. Tell us why we should even care about Raven the wolf or Ruki the girl. Also, watch your grammar. This is the way dialogue should read

"You know, I do have a name," he moaned.
Ruki's eyes became large. "Oooh. What is it?"
"I don't have to tell you."
"Awwwww," Ruki sadly said.

Also, don't rely on adverbs like "sadly" so much. Use vibrant verbs. Use adjectives. Use metaphors. Description, description, description. Descriptions make the world go round.
:D

Despite the criticism, I really do like where you're going with this. :D Fix the stuff I pointed out and pour your soul into this story, and it could be pretty good. :D
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

Teacher: "What do we do with adjectives in Spanish?"
S: "We eat them!"
  





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Fri Nov 09, 2007 4:50 pm
Maki-Chan says...



Ok i will try my best. As you know i just started and i'm not very good. I think i will post a nw version to fit your advice! :)

Ps don't worry this wil improve i am going to capture the souls of raven and ruki in chapter 3 which still isn't done!^_^ :D
  





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Sat Nov 10, 2007 3:58 pm
Stori says...



My advice is not to clump everything together. Separate each paragraph by at least one line.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques
  





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Mon Nov 12, 2007 10:14 pm
Maki-Chan says...



Thanks I'm trying my best!
If you want to review another original book of mine look for "The Forgotten One"! :lol:
  





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Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:25 pm
canislupis says...



Pretty good! What is this Fanfiction of? I'd suggest making separate threads for each of the chapters, and also fix the spacing, so there's a separate line between paragraphs and dialogue. Something about the voice of the story in the beggining didn't seem realistic to me as well.

I think this piece has potential, but it needs A LOT of work.

If you ever need a critique, or have a question, feel free to Pm me. :D

Cheers!

~Lupis
  





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Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:35 pm
Maki-Chan says...



thank you. Its a fanfiction about an anime series called "Wolf's Rain"

One night after I watched it I hd a dream about Raven and Ruki.^_^

about the begining you see the little girl was all alone and she well opened to the dog( really a wolf). You know how sometimes when you're sad you open to your pet.

Anyways she's all alone.


I think I will separate the chapters and add more room.^_^
  





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Tue Nov 27, 2007 11:12 pm
Gwenevire says...



Hello there! :D
A wolf story... Very interesting.
Well lets get to work *Cracks knuckles*

First things first... Where are you? All we know is that there is a wolf and a girl and a sled... Absolutely no description was added in this!
Before you enter the scene maybe you should explain the surroundings a little more.
Are they outside? Obviously well we don't get that until we get to the house. Can you describe what the girl is wearing? What does the wolf look like? Not just

You wrote
large dog that was all bloody and torn up.

What color is this dog? Isn't a wolf? I would think yes! Hens the name of your title. *Points up*

The first thing is dialogue! I hate that! Please put some description of the girl the wolf the surroundings the weather. Is it hot or cold?
Where in the arctic? If so I don't think people go to grocery stores in the arctic.
And if its in the city then whey is there a wolf in the city? Or is it a dog? Make up your mind! PLEASE!

I see where you are when you are making the girl communicate with the wolf. I do that to my dogs. But they only sorta respond when I say words that are familiar to them like "Treat" and "Walk" and "Food" etc! You should slow down the process of the wolf growing comfortable with the girl. Usually when animals are in danger or are hurt they stay to themselves and don't really talk to humans...
Maybe you should say something like this

The wolf snarled and pulled away from her outstretched hand. It whimpered in pain before collapsing to the ground.

etc etc... You should put a little more effort into it. Right know you have what I like to call a skeleton of a good story. All you have to do is add all the skin and muscles and intestines and organs and stuff.
If you catch my drift.
I don't really like the way that you make the wolf think and you put it in its point of view... Wolves don't really think like that m'kay! If they do in your story I would suggest putting it in italics.
I think you should ease off on the wolf getting to comfortable with this random girl that it just met. Maybe make it a little edgy around her etc.

Also I got mixed up when they where going home. It just wiped by you did not add any description or say anything about the ride home. Maybe you should make it troublesome or add some spice to it.

Over all I think you need to do some work and consider adding some for jazz to it.
You cool?
I liked it but it needs improvement.
Please PM me once you have written more I would like to continue on reading and helping you through the process of possibly an upcoming novel!

Keep Writing and never give up! :D

- Cheers
Genevieve Dixie Boire
xxx


THERE IS MORE!

YAY

Well its nice but confusing I think you need to read it out-loud and maybe that will help you understand. You said wolf and girl allot!
I can't say much more because I have no time at all. I wish you luck!
I will be back for more fun by Gwen!

Tata!
  








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