Young Writers Society

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Hi.

Talk about rushed. I know that this was supposed to be amusing, but I didn't crack a laugh when I read this at all. It seems really out of character for Harry. He doesn't kill. If he found out he was condemned to death, he would try to fight his way out by using stun curses and things like that.

Where is the thread holding this together? Right now it just seems like a bunch of random encounters with characters from different universes. The Cedric/Edward and Lupin/Jacob thing has already been done tons of times.

If you want this go somewhere, make it longer. Add coherency. How is Harry apperating to these different universes? Can you draw out each scene a bit more so he has more of a challenge getting out and we get time to absorb ourself in the scene?

It just moves a little too quickly right now, and we can't appreciate anything or familiarize ourself with your new take on the characters.

PM me if you have questions!

-Elinor xo

I disagree with Elinor, somewhat. It was definitely rushed, and could use some proper punctuation, but I think it was a fun read. It's very lighthearted, and I don't think it was supposed to be taken too seriously, no? It's not like it's a script for a motion picture, or something. It's just FUN.

I do think Harry is a little unrealistic, but it was funny how he encountered the Red Queen.

Next time, though, try and come up with other characters to use! This is your second time (I think) using HP characters and Twilight ones, so a little change will keep your readers coming back for more.

-Knightley

Mr.Knightley wrote:I disagree with Elinor, somewhat. It was definitely rushed, and could use some proper punctuation, but I think it was a fun read. It's very lighthearted, and I don't think it was supposed to be taken too seriously, no? It's not like it's a script for a motion picture, or something. It's just FUN.

I agree with Mr. Knightly, but I DEFINATELY disagree with Elinor. It's funny and lighthearted and your newish to it so you should be given some slack. I loooooove how you added belitrix to this mess (mess in a good way). But how would Harry and Jacob know each other? And why the dancing shiny girls?? Anyway, that was so-o-o-o-o funny with Draco, though you could add
Harry: Off with mummy at another concert, Draco?
or
Harry: This is a GREAT concert–– for two year olds!!!! <laughs> how is mummy and daddy? Doing fine?
Great job,
sionarama

Hey.

About the dolls, if you've ever been to Disneyworld, there is a ride called "a small world after all." Basically, there are these dolls dressed up in outfits from around the world. They're dancing and singing the song. Your in a boat and it's moving throughout places from around the world. And there's glitter EVERYWHERE.

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

I completely agree with Elinor in every way. I'm getting kind of sick of the whole cross-over movies/books with other movies/books. BUT! If you would put a little initiative into it, then you could make it good. Anyway, everything is so short, rushed, and has no connection whatsoever, so I couldn't even chuckle once. The script is an art. A difficult one. And all these parodies are overshadowing whatever true works that people write here. Sorry. Keep writing...I guess.