Young Writers Society

Everything is fragile as perfection, though we’re so far from it. Only breath in the wrong direction could defuse the gentle promises we’ve built between us. Dipping our toes in the reflective pools of our love could shatter its surface in which we see ourselves. Coloring its clear waters polluted red. And though our hearts are bleeding together, it’s only because they are pulsing to the same rhythm. As gentle as the lightest brush of fingers, yet even the tamest of actions quiver the world in tragic zeal. We are dancing in those dangerous, blood-tainted waters. Graceful as a ribbon slipping through fingers, and almost as fleeting. We can’t afford to misstep lest we wish to be carved as a sacrifice to the gods who lash our backs with temptation. So much temptation, though the devil advocates, lifting us to the golden standard. It’s a wonder we can still dance—the koi fish in our pond displayed for the scorn of our onlookers.

And always is there the temptation of the golden light. It shines through the glass prison wall—the surface. With only a little prayer, I can sink my hands into its fragile material—fragile as it all is—and break the surface. Breathe the fragrant air of our garden and feel the earth beneath my feet. The scars on my back would burn away by the sun’s warmth. But I can succumb to only one of the temptations. Is the golden light worth leaving the water strangling my lungs with our mingled blood, where the guilty pleasure of briefest sweeps of our movements keeps me dancing—keeps me feeling? The light of the world might not accept me back from my dark dwellings. I stare longingly to the sweet delectability of indigo skies coated in glittering gems and wonder if it was worth it. But when you catch my eye, and strike me with your trilling fervor, I think I don’t want to risk it.

This sounds more like a tragedy. It is a very cliche topic, though the way you set it up is very unique. Yo are very descriptive, but in these descriptionsyou are so repetitive that, instead of the emphasis you wanted, I find myself rushing over the things like how tentative and fragile everything is, having understood what you meant already. I start skipping those parts, and that unhinges the flow of your piece. Repeating things is an art. You must know when enough is enough. Dont get me wrong, you pushed out the emotion quite well, but you almost pushed so hard it was forcing it by then. My favorite part is right when you started to tell about the surface. That right there really caught my attention.

I have one word. Creative. Instead of using fragile alot, get a thesaurus or something and look up synonyms. You might be surprised, and even inspired.

This is a great base. With a spark of the word world, this could be masterful. I liked it alot. Thanks.

I like how this is. It's a very dull topic but the figurative language makes it something more. I think the first few sentences were strong, and of course, the fluidity is nice. I think perhaps there is just one too many cryptic descriptions. Although I get the whole tone that you're going for, so overall I think it's a very nice piece. You have a real style

Hey there!

I think I understand what this piece is about; temptation and whether it's worth it or not? But the problem is, you use so much flowery language, that like someone else has already said, I found myself skipping over parts of the story.

It all sounded a bit repetitive. You kept referring to pools and surfaces and mingled heart beats, which all sounds very poetic and lovely. But you used the references so many times that it all became almost one giant blur. The imagery you created would have been lovely if there wasn't so much of it.

You do have a way with words and I loved some of the descriptions, but I couldn't help thinking that you could have got some of the story across without using so much imagery. A plainer sentence or two wouldn't have damaged the wonderful scenes you've created. In fact, I think it would benefit the piece is every line wasn't so flowery and descriptive.

Right now, this piece leaves me feeling confused as to whether I understood it properly or not. As a reader I should at least have some idea of what's going on, but I'm not sure if I really did.

xDudettex

Hmm... so, correct me if I am wrong (which I can definitely be!) but it seems to me that this is a double suicide (don't fear the reaper?) and they stabbed themselves before plunging into the koi fish pond, so that the blood freely lets out? So, a kind of unrequited love, in a way.

Either that or the guy is killing her and keeping her under so that she is drowning. I'm not sure whether this blood that is coloring the water is from her blood, maybe spilled when she loses her virginity (which might explain why she so enraptured with him and such) or it might be from him stabbing her and then drowning her, maybe as some sort of fetish? There is definitely a sort of sexual tension here though... not sure what. If he is killing her and there was some sort of sex involved beforehand (or during), then this makes it interesting and I have to wonder whether this is due from some sort of mutual, consensual act.

But yeah, a very dark subject. I love your descriptions and the ambiguity of it all. It makes it that much more surreal.