Sunset

Author's Note: Well, now you know how 'amazing' my spring break went. Blah, I miss him. I shouldn't. It's stupid. But I do.





I sat on the pier, my hair flying in the wind acting in its own rebellious way. I took a deep breath in, the salty smell of the ocean filling my senses. I was going to miss this place.

“Anna.” A voice behind me called, and as cliché as it may sound, I knew exactly who it was. His voice wasn’t unique or anything that I’d be able to recognize it anywhere, but just the way he said my name. Where it almost sounded like “Ann” - that was what made it stand out.

When I didn’t reply he sighed and took a seat next to me. We stared out at the ocean in silence. I stared at the waves as they gently brushed against the shore. It would tease it first, the shore, and then dissapear suddenly leaving only bubbles behind for it's reminder. Just like I was going to do to Bryan, leave him behind, with only our memories as my reminder.

“What is it, Bryan?” I asked.

“I heard you’re leaving. Today,” He said after a tiny pause.

“Yes, I am,” I replied back flatly.

“God, Anna, what is your problem?” Fustration rose in his voice.

“What’s my problem?” I said, laughing slightly. I turned to look at him directly in the eyes, unaware of how close we were now. Before I could continue speaking a nosiy sea gull interrupted my thoughts. Right, reality check. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“Funny. You’re asking me that.” I said.

He looked down, “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me, I just didn’t feel like talking. I know ignoring you was not the best thing to do, but I just didn’t know what else to do. And it’s not like you helped much either by not talking.”

Silence again. I hated awkward pauses like these, but with me they happened often. Just my wonderful luck. I’m not sure how long we sat there, but eventually the sky started to turn into a soft pink hue, meaning the sun was going to sink any moment now.

“Look, Anna, I really like you.” He stated.

I stared at his dark black eyes, the one’s that I could see my reflection in. I looked and saw a girl in his pupils. Her eyes teary and her expression looking defeated.

“It’s too late for that now. I’m sorry.” I said, knowing it was nothing but the truth.

Silence.

“I know.”

We both sat there together for God knows how long. His arms wrapped around me, his chin resting on my head. Two people looking absolutely pathetic, even together.

First of all, I loved it. Emotion rolled through the entire piece. I could feel her heart breaking in a sense... wow, it was really good.

Now down to the little, itty bitty problems I found.

JustDance wrote:His voice wasn’t unique or anything that I’d be able to recognize it anywhere, but just the way he said my name, where it almost sounded like “Ann” was what made it stand out.

At this moment, it was a bit to much of a run-on sentance for me. Maybe putting a period in between 'name' and 'where' like this and maybe seperating "Ann" and the rest:
...but just the way he said my name. Where it almost sounded like "Ann"- that was what made it stand out.

JustDance wrote:“Look Anna, I really like you.”

Just a quick grammar problem- it should be "Look, Anna, I really like you." A comma between 'look' and 'Anna'.

Overall, I loved it. Other than that- no problems!

EEEP! This was so pretty, JD!!!!! I'm sorry that happened though... It's nice how it's not all cliche-y though. *likes*

-Cressy

What a beautiful story! I loved the scene where she is on the pier with her hair blowing in the wind. It just grabbed me. There was so much emotion in your characters that even I felt moved. I'm going to have to but a LIKE on this one!

Hello there!

That was sad for me. I just love reading sad endings like this one. I liked the beginning until the end, 'cause there was this kind of a "thrill" (even if this was short )that made me disturbed if whether the girl would accept the guy or not. Anyway, the plot was fine but it could've been better if you made it longer so that we would know what is the relationship between those two characters and how they are developed.

Overall, I really liked this.

Keep on writing!

Peace out!

This was awesome. This is a true story? Aww... That kind of sucks, then. It was still a really good story, and I liked how you described the scenery and how the time went by and stuff like that. Sorry, though, if it was your sprink break... Maybe try to I don't know ... reconnect with him somehow? I'm not the best one at love advice...

Hello JD.

I sat on the pier, my hair flying in the wind acting in it’s own rebellious way.

Acting in it's own rebellious way? Isn't that telling? How did it act in a rebellious way? First of all, what does "rebellious hair" look like? Dirty? Wayward? How would it move in a rebellious way? In fact, now that I think about it, why would the narrator even need to tell us about her hair? If she really is rebellious, it should be through the tone of her voice, her thoughts/feelings and actions, not hair.

I was going to miss this place.

Noooo...don't give us the conflict right off the bat like that. Instead, slowly build up to this key point. It will have a lot more meaning behind it if you were to do that.

“Anna.” A voice behind me called, and as cliché as it may sound, I knew exactly who it was.

Auk, don't say that it is cliche, let us decide on that for ourselves.

We stared out at the ocean for what seemed like eternity, though I’m sure it was only a few minutes.

Weak simile. Firstly, it's cliche. Don't use common sayings in your writing, it brings nothing new to the table. Secondly, it's vague. I mean, it doesn't really explain why the narrator felt like time went still. Was it because the narrator felt that the ocean brought some kind of calmness to her that she was so caught up in the moment e.g: the waves gently riveting the sands?

Overall impressions:

After reading this, I was like "What? What was the point of this?" I mean what the heck were they doing down at the beach? Why would they even agree to meet down there? How did they decided to meet up there? I assumed that they've gotten into some sort of fight right? Any arrangements to meet up like that to talk things over wouldn't of had been easy. In fact there's so many questions to this. Why was the narrator leaving? How come the boy didn't have the guts to tell her till now? Why did the narrator decide to sit by the beach side? Consider answering fundamental questions like these first when you rewrite this.

You should also try to get to know your characters better. We know hardly anything about the narrator and the boy. Is the narrator like some sort of surfing professional? (maybe that's why she has to leave?) What about the boy...a popular footy player in his school? Maybe because he has so many infatuations to deal with that he wasn't sure who was really right for him till now?

Whatever it is, you should aim to make this story more realistic by considering your characters more and forming a better via considering the questions above.

Good luck.

Andy.

acting in it’s own rebellious way

Typo: It's=it is. Should be 'its'

I took a deep breath in, the salty smell of the ocean filling my senses.

I tripped a bit over this line. The whole "filling" of the senses has been done before,and it feels like an awkward way of saying "I could smell the ocean" to me. Revise?

A voice behind me called, and as cliché as it may sound, I knew exactly who it was. His voice wasn’t unique or anything that I’d be able to recognize it anywhere, but just the way he said my name. Where it almost sounded like “Ann” - that was what made it stand out.

Hmm... I might delete most of this paragraph. Or, at least revise it. Cut the 'cliche' part, but maybe leave the part about it sounding like "Ann."

We stared out at the ocean for what seemed like eternity, though I’m sure it was only a few minutes.

Speaking of clichés... I'd get rid of this as well.

Fustration rising in his voice.

Since this isn't really a dialogue tag, it feels kinda like an incomplete sentence.

Silence again. I hated awkward pauses like these, but with me they happened often.

Heh, with me too. I liked that you gave this example, but I feel like overall this could use a lot more detail, especially about a) the characters (a lot more, actually) and b) what's around them. All I know is that she's sitting on a pier, and that she can smell the ocean. You don't need much more than that, but at least knowing the temperature, general geographic location, etc. would be nice.

the one’s that I could see my reflection in

One's should be ones. No apostrophe 'cus it's not a contraction or possesive. (Sorry for the nitpicks, by the way. Some things just jumped out at me.)

“I know.”

We both sat there together for God knows how long. His arms wrapped around me, his chin resting on my head. Two people looking absolutely pathetic, even together.

I love this ending.

Ok, Overall comments:
I love the emotion through this piece. Even though it's really short, I still got a good feel for what was going on. I don't think you need any background information at all--I like it the way it is with the focus on the breakup.

I would like it if there was a little more detail, though, specifically in the characters' appearances, mannerisms, and personalities. It also would have been nice if there was some more detail on the surroundings, though that might be a matter of opinion.

And if this is a true story, then I'm sorry. Hope it all works out for you.

Hope this helps a bit! * likes *

BTW, congratz on being featured!

Lupis

Hi JustDance. First of all, congratulations for being featured. Few nit-picks:

I sat on the pier, my hair flying in the wind, acting in it’s own rebellious way. I took a deep breath in, the salty smell of the ocean filling up my senses. I was going to miss this place.

“Anna.” A voice behind me called, and as cliché as it may sound, I knew exactly who it was. His voice wasn’t unique or anything that I’d be able to recognize it anywhere, but just the way he said my name. Where it almost sounded like “Ann” - that was what made it stand out.

When I didn’t reply, he sighed and took a seat next to me. We stared out at the ocean for what seemed like eternity, though I’m sure it was only a few minutes.

“What is it, Bryan?” I asked.

“I heard you’re leaving. Today.” He said after a tiny pause.

“Yes, I am.” I replied back flatly.Like the word here.

“God Anna. What is your problem?” Fustration rising rose in his voice.

“What’s my problem?” I said, laughing slightly. I turned to look at him directly in the eyes, unaware of how close we were now. Before I could continue speaking, a nosiy sea gull interrupted my thoughts. Right, reality check. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“Funny. You’re asking me that.” I said.

He looked down, “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me, I just didn’t feel like talking. I know ignoring you was not the best thing to do, but I just didn’t know what else to do. And it’s not like you helped much either by not talking.”

Silence again. I hated awkward pauses like these, but with me they happened quite often. Just my wonderful luck. I’m not sure how long we sat there, but eventually the sky started to turn into a soft pink hue, meaning the sun was going to sink any moment now.

“Look, Anna, I really like you.” He stated.

I stared at his dark black eyes, the one’s that I could see my reflection in. I looked and saw a girl in his pupils. Her eyes teary and her expression looking defeated.

“It’s too late for that now. I’m sorry.” I said, knowing it was nothing but the truth.

Silence.

“I know.”

We both sat there together for God knows how long. His arms wrapped around me, his chin resting on my head. Two people looking absolutely pathetic, even together.

Your writing style is amazing! I loved the setting and the feel you gave. But the problem is that you named it Sunset so you might have added some description of it.
And issue is with your commas. Commas are very important for a piece. If not put at the right place, it can either break the flow or bore the reader. Both are worse. here's a link where you will find something useful on commas. Hope you find [url= topic19162.html] it [url] helpful.

Hi JD!

Well, I want to say that I really liked this. It was a sweet, and cute. I just love the descriptions and scenery that you create with your words. I could almost feel the warm summer air swirling around my arms. I had a few things that I wanted to comment on, though.

The first is the romance. I sort of like how it's implied, but I don't know If I'm the only one who was expecting them to kiss at the end. It would have still been very sweet, and fit in with the poking-fun yet cute nature of this story. What we got was a little anti-climactic.

Second, I'm surprised that no one has commented on your dialogue punctuation yet. Demeter wrote a lovely article about it here in which you can find a ton of more information about how to punctuate your dialogue.

Shubhi and Andy got most of my other tiny nitpicks, so that's pretty much all I have to say. Sorry it's so short, but I wish you best of luck revising, and do PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Hey JD, it's your wacky friend, Nicole, here to review! (I just rhymed!)

Normally I would harp on you for how short it was, but if it was any longer it wouldn't work as well. The length was actually perfect. It wasn't over dramatic or overly angsty and yet, emotion was present throughout the piece.

It was quite perfect, actually. Well done.

JD!

First of all, nice story! I kind of liked it! I want more information as to who Bryan is and how she met him, etc., but not bad! So the main thing you might want to do, as far as actual content goes, is to expand this. Which, really, is not a bad thing at all!

Now! This had waaaaaay too many typos! D: Like... it had a lot. Do a quick spell check to find them... they're really easy to spot, really.

Also, your dialogue has horrible grammar! Check this out:

“What is it, Bryan?” I asked.

“I heard you’re leaving. Today.” He said after a tiny pause.

“Yes, I am.” I replied back flatly.

“God Anna. What is your problem?” Fustration rising in his voice.

Now, let's ignore the awful typo of frustration and look at the grammar. It should be:

“What is it, Bryan?” I asked.

“I heard you’re leaving. Today,” he said after a tiny pause.

“Yes, I am,” I replied back flatly.

“God, Anna. What is your problem?” Frustration rose in his voice.

That's the correct way. Notice the commas and the uncapitalized "he." It looks a little weird, but that's grammatically correct now.

So yeah! Nice story... fix the typos and the dialogue grammar!

THIS IS AMAZING!!! i love the beginning!! keep writing!

Oh wow this was good probably the best I've read in a long time. It made me want to read more. Your good. Keep in mind there are a lot os stories like yours so watchh out to not make your sound like others. people won't want to read it. Other than that it was well written kepp it up.

Thank you for the reviews and making this a featured everyone!