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a time for peace



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51 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 67
Reviews: 51
Thu Apr 02, 2020 6:09 pm
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ellasnotebook says...



#1

eyes fill with mud
creeping inward like molasses
a putrid slug,
a landslide,
a sick.
suddenly-

there is no sun,
there is no moon,
suddenly the stars do not have names,

"Why?"
they,
we,
curse.

teeth bared,
open mouthed,
throat hoarsed,
to the great big sky
the great big plains,
an unfeeling, lovely earth-
and muddied-
filthy-
they hear nothing back.
  





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Fri Apr 03, 2020 6:32 pm
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ellasnotebook says...



#2

It describes just how grand everything was;
how gold coated every corner, how everything was perfectly planned.
I did not understand why I needed to know the
length and
width
of Your temple, oh God,
until now.
It was so you could remind me how perfectly crafted I must be,
how meticulously drawn out and shaped,
how carved and created and loved by an artist’s touch,
for You to sit in the temple of my chest-
for You to take up residence in sinners like me.
  





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Fri Apr 03, 2020 6:59 pm
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ellasnotebook says...



#3

It’s a birdhouse waiting for a bird to come and nest,
a rollerskating rink waiting for it’s disco lights to snap on like a
Curtain opening
and suddenly there’s
people on the rink and they’re laughing and falling in the dark like
little snot nosed kids and they
can’t even stand,
it’s like that, I think.
My words come out buffeted because I’m scared they might be stones if I don’t
wrap them first in feathers.
both fall just as quickly, don’t know why I bother.
It’s like waiting for the door to open to a father.
It’s like a song without a bass line, it’s alright but it’s just not
right.
It’s waiting for the tide to the ocean,
it’s waiting for all the little rocks to fill the sky,
I’m waiting for a shoelace to lace me up, hold my canvas body tightly,
and yeah, it’s the peanut butter and jelly thing I guess.
  





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Mon Apr 06, 2020 3:41 am
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ellasnotebook says...



#4

I would burn down a whole forest
just so the earth knows for sure I was here.
I am here.
the spotlight is so bright and yellow but it
doesn't make me feel any warmer.

every time I stretch my arms above me I think the ice in my chest
will crack.
The cold does bother me, and it bothers me that
I want somebody to like my stupid blonde hair.

I want somebody to like the way that my chin sticks out like a door handle
and say that my nose suits my face perfectly even though I know it doesn't,
not even close.
I tell myself the lights will keep me warm,
and I tell myself it's better this way, cus
when everyone loves you from afar no one has to know
that you think spiders crawl into your bed at night
and that one of your eyes is
smaller than the other and that
sometimes
you think you're choking on air when really you're nothing.
nothing at all.
  





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Mon Apr 06, 2020 3:49 am
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ellasnotebook says...



#5

everyday
sheets are soaked with sweat and
my fingers dig into my
hair and I smash my face into the
pillows like maybe if I knock it hard enough I can
go to sleep.
wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong
there is something wrong with me
and it is something I ate or something I said and now I can’t feel my
limbs.
and it’s a poisoned apple who told me
I could know everything for the low low price of
exhaustion.
and it’s my fault. I took a sword to my own brain and I
cut it up and took it hostage and now we are all stuck here together with
nothing but hours and hours ahead of us of
nothing.
I wish i were dust sometimes
but most of the time I beg to be
physical and real and here tomorrow morning.
I wish i were somebody someone could fall in love with but I dream of my
throat sealing closed.
one day I dream I will sleep and I will sleep so trustingly and
lovingly and
soundly.
and it will be peace.
and it will be peace.
  





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Tue Apr 07, 2020 6:33 am
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mckaylaam says...



#4 and #5 are my favorite poems you've written so far, I can heavily relate to those feelings of wanting someone to love you but to not see any imperfections that would drive them away, feelings of wanting to love others but simultaneously wanting to dive into nothingness sometimes. Your writing is lovely, keep up the great work! (I saw that your thread has the "comments welcome" sticker so I'm hoping it's still okay to post this comment here)
And I love the thought of being with you,
or maybe it's the thought of not being so alone.


  





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Tue Apr 07, 2020 2:57 pm
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AvantCoffee says...



All your poems in this thread are so strongly emotive, and I've found them really impactful to read—especially because many of the lines feel very genuine and vivid to me. <3 Heavy poems can sometimes lose their strength by becoming too angsty, from my reading experience, but I feel you've managed to avoid this with a strong poetic voice and unpredictability, which is very cool! I especially love the last three poems you've written in this thread, and overall I feel you're doing a really great job with these poems this napo!!

I'm look forward to reading more of what you share this month c:
If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
— René Descartes
  





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Wed Apr 08, 2020 2:11 am
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ellasnotebook says...



@mckaylaam @AvantCoffee

Thank you both for your replies! I really appreciate it!
  





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Wed Apr 08, 2020 4:19 am
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ellasnotebook says...



#6

I will cry for you.

And when it seems like the earth has forgotten that
your feet make marks on this soil I will cry out
to the one who holds dominion over it.

And when you find yourself drifting in between
fluorescent aisles and hospital beds I will
hold you in my heart and cradle your broken bones
till they seem to be alright again.

And I will have faith
that you will see the sun again.

That you will climb out of those white bedsheets
and you will throw off the scent of alcohol and death and
replace it with sea salt and sand.
Summer will belong to you again.
Laughter will belong to you again.

I will cast these words over you like a net of protection,
so that when you feel like you are drowning in bricks, and
concrete, and all the heavy,
heavy,
broken, things of this world I will
pull you into my embrace--
into the protection of my Lord--
and we will sail together
and we will know how deep
how wide
the ocean is.
  





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Wed Apr 08, 2020 4:33 am
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ellasnotebook says...



#7

I will staple my skin to the walls.

I will tear the metal through my skin until I am thoroughly,
thoroughly,
stuck, and I will

carve my name into every building I find and
write it down on every piece of paper I see.
And people will ask me why my receipts and movie tickets are
riddled with
Me,
and I will say nothing and I will just smile and I won’t
tell them I just want to be remembered,
once.

Sometimes I pickup leaves because I feel bad for them, and
my stuffed animals sit on my bed, like they have for (almost) seventeen years,
and their glass eyes look at me and say nothing but
I hear everything.
And so they sit.

And sometimes I think maybe my friends won’t forget my birthday this year
and then I think maybe I’m selfish for wanting them to know
and then I think I just want somebody
anybody
to know I too pass time.
That I too take up space.
That sometimes when I breathe at night I am so acutely
painfully
aware of my presence against my sheets.

And so
I will drag my stubborn nails through the
concrete and I will
kiss and scratch every wet painting and I will
draw all over the walls and I will
shout my name from the rooftops and
I will dogear my books and rip their pages out like a tyrannical madman and I will
write my name down on every piece of paper.

And one day
somebody
will know I was here.
  





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Wed Apr 08, 2020 5:27 am
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EternalRain says...



Wow, I love all of your poems so far but #7 really hit me hard. The descriptions you used were so terrible in the best way - it was almost hard to read them ("I will staple my skin to the walls", "nails through the/concrete"). I just think the pain and loneliness and frustration in this poem was really well conveyed.
“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”

-- Lemony Snicket


Check out Squills!

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Thu Apr 09, 2020 7:12 pm
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ellasnotebook says...



#8

They ask me why are you happy.
I tell them I’m not a lot of the time, that a lot of times I am very, very scared.
in the middle of the night when the skin around my eyes feels like
needles and i feel like there are arms
around my chest trying to keep me pinned down,
I am so frightened.
And I wonder if I will ever have the absence of that, the absence of
fear, something that has so defined me and my walk that
I wonder if I would be less of myself without it.

But, I say.
Because there is always a but.
But, I say, I have found the answer.

Even though at night my ceiling is a valley,
there to swallow me whole and pick
at every flaw of my face and my body and my life,
and consume me in its shadowy corners,
I have found life.
Life abundantly.

And I can give that life to you, I say. Because once
you are given Life, you will have the light of the world inside your chest,
inside your veins, inside the cavity of your soul.
and when you smile it will leak out into the streets and into
other people’s faces,
and when you are alone at night and the ceiling tries to swallow you,
the light will fill the shadows.
And the light will be inside of you,
and no matter how hard the darkness tries to fill you up, to tell you--
you don’t deserve to be here
you don’t matter
you could disappear and no one would care--
the light kills every lie
and you are not alone.

And I sleep now, I say.
I hope they can feel the glow from my grin.
  





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Tue Apr 14, 2020 12:58 am
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ellasnotebook says...



#9 that I wrote before number eight so they kind of go the other way but it's fine I guess

I told my friends that sometimes lying in bed i
Think of spiders lying with me
And creeping over me and
Smothering me and
Touching me until i
Awake breathless and turn on the light.

And i stare at the wall until the clock strikes three
And my eyes cannot, will not stay open,
No matter how much my brain tells them that
Death is in the darkness of my lids
And I slip into a relieved sleep.

And I told them that sometimes when I am breathing
I can picture the absence of it so perfectly
That I am suddenly running out of air and,
Like a drowning man,
Claw at my throat until I am once more convinced
I am within the safety and
Security
Of land.

And I thought that this was ok. And I did not want to be
Pitied. I just wanted someone to say
Me too.
Everything is scary.
Everything is dark.
But like the birds after the flood,
We find a branch and we live on,
Simple.

And it would be simple and I would be known.
  








The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
— Charlotte Bronte