James didn't know how much time passed between Arimala's visits. But every time she came, he was increasingly more lucid, and as his body continued to reel from the lack of lumshade in his system, the rest of him continued to reel with every scar she dug up.
It was impossible not to relive everything. Somehow, Arimala knew just how to reopen ever former wound. With the right amount of pressure, it was like he was there again.
Back in the forest, running from Butch. Feeling the axe crack through his leg. Back in that wooden chair, biting down on a dirty rag as Butch burned his mark into James's lower back, to be remembered forever. Back against the tree, hands bound above him while Reed poked away at him like a toy.
Even the smaller wounds she took time to reopen. Every small cut on his face. She re-broke his nose. She slit his lip a second time. A third, just for mere enjoyment.
Because he could tell she was enjoying it. Whenever he wriggled or hissed or gasped in pain, there was a small, twisted smile that tugged on her lips. And he was learning that every reaction seemed to encourage her to try something again, to see if she'd get it again.
James was running out of strength to withhold anything from her.
At the end of every session, she would heal all of his wounds. And then she'd rip any energy he had left out of him, leaving him too weak to move or speak. Not that they ever spoke.
Well, Arimala spoke. But it was only ever one-sided conversation as she idly verbalized her inner thoughts.
James never felt compelled to reply.
He didn't know what to say anymore. He didn't know what happened.
There had always been a part of him that wanted to bite back. There had always been something inside of him ready to spite all of his enemies who took joy in his suffering.
But for some reason he couldn't find it in himself anymore.
What was the point?
It didn't matter what he did or what he said. Pain was coming for him regardless, and retaliation would only make it worse. But it was more likely that it wouldn't even make a difference.
A small part of him wanted to ask Arimala how many mages were secretly in the king's service. A small part of him still wished he could make a difference, or even offer Arimala a way out. But she seemed happy to take her place as the palace torturer, and he didn't imagine himself getting any useful information out of her.
And even if he did... who would he tell? Who could he tell?
James couldn't remember a time in his life when he'd felt so powerless. Even in the jungle, inches from death and depressed out of his mind, he at least had some control over the situation. He had resources to recover. There had been a way out, even if a difficult one.
He could feel his will to live waning.
Years of fighting. He'd held out for so long. He'd endured so much.
And he could finally feel himself cracking under the pressure.
Arimala had him turned over on his back. His head was turned to the side, but that didn't mean he could see anything. Arimala had placed herself on the opposite side, which meant every stab was something he couldn't prepare for. He flinched and moaned at every jab.
But for a while, there was nothing.
Perhaps Arimala had discovered - or was already discovering - that several of his nerve endings had been severed in his back. James thought that now, maybe, that it was a blessing in disguise, because it meant that there were scars she could dig into that he wouldn't feel.
There was silence, aside from the faint sound of a scalpel digging into flesh.
And then he felt it.
Somehow, she'd struck a nerve that was still functional. It was in his middle-back, and the sudden, deep stabbing pain exploded throughout his back. It felt like it was piercing through his stomach with how deep the pain permeated. Involuntarily, he let out a cry that echoed off the walls into his own ears.
Tears pricked his eyes as Arimala kept digging, like she was pleased to have found something he could still feel. James felt himself beginning to tremble as the pain tore him back to the moment he was under the foot of the Grangor, on the jungle floor, bleeding out.
He could see death's door. He could feel the hands of death wrapping around him, cold, but welcoming.
Desparately he tried to fall into death's arms.
But just as he felt it was within reach, a burst of energy rushed through him.
His eyes shot open as the flesh in his back was melded back together with a forceful push. His body was still trembling, but now for a different reason as the rush flooded to his head, making his skull pound as he felt his sweat grow cold once it met the air around him.
"We can't have you leaving us just yet," Arimala said.
And she patted his back like he was some sort of animal in need of praise. Her touch felt more like pressure.
"I do wish you'd talk to me," Arimala said, leaning over to whisper in his ear. And her words made a shiver run down his spine. The hairs stood up on the back of his neck. It felt like something was crawling all over him.
He kept his mouth shut, even more determined to stay silent.
"But if you'd like," Arimala said, pressing her scalpel against the back of his shoulder. "I can make you talk. I am getting bored of all these old wounds."
James closed his eyes again, trying to brace for the worst.
Arimala grabbed the back of his head. He hardly had a second to prepare before pain shot through him, like he really had been put on a stake like a stuck pig.
A scream tore through his throat as Arimala let the pain be prolonged.
He didn't remember if he blacked out or if he stopped screaming first. But when he came to again, the cell was dark again, and he was alone.
If he'd had anything to eat, he would've thrown up. But his body was too exhausted to even dry heave. He found himself panting, each breath slow and agonizing as cold, dry air filled his lungs.
He couldn't think. He couldn't feel. The exhaustion was so all-consuming that it took all of his energy to draw another breath.
That was supposed to come naturally. And here he was, having to push himself to breathe.
Someone pushed the door to his cell open.
He could hear the scrape of stone, grating against his ears. Light warmed the room from behind his eyelids, but he didn't open them. Footsteps drew near, and he waited. Waited for another round of sharp objects being dug into his skin. Another round of waterboarding. Another round of life being shoved into his frame and ripped out again.
"Look what you've been reduced to," a familiar voice said lowly.
James's heart stopped for a second as a primal fear clawed around his throat, threatening to stop the only bodily function he'd been able to sustain.
With dread, he opened his eyes. And he found himself looking at Carter.
He hadn't seen Carter in seven years.
His hair was longer, pulled back into a neat bun. With his hair pulled back and more of his face shown, he looked a lot like his mother. But James noticed Carter had grown out his mustache as well, letting it curl at the ends.
The goatee stayed the same. And so did the cold look of steely, deep-seated hatred in Carter's eyes that James remembered from the last day he saw him.
Carter had come down in full armor, as well. James noted the ornate breastplate and its insignia.
The King's Hand.
Carter had gotten all he'd ever wanted.
And now he had James.
"Did you ever think our lives would come to this?" Carter asked.
James realized Carter had pulled up a chair. He was sitting beside the table James was bound to, facing him. Carter leaned forward so they were nearly eye level with one another.
"No," Carter said, as if to answer for him. "I suppose not. No one ever imagines a future like this."
James didn't know what Carter expected him to say.
Did he want a conversation? An apology? Did he want James to beg for mercy? Did he come here just to gloat?
"Are you happy now?" James asked, his voice weak and raw. His eyes still stung from tears he couldn't cry anymore. He hadn't had water in... well, he couldn't remember.
Carter did not smile. He watched James with a stoic, focused expression. There was a softness in his eyes that James wasn't convinced was real when it came, and he wasn't convinced when it turned back to being cold and dead.
"You think I would rejoice at your demise?" Carter asked. "You think I'm happy?"
James had to swallow down the knot growing in his throat.
"I'm not happy," Carter said. "I'm relieved."
James's vision blurred.
"Finally I can tell your family that you're dead like they always believed you to be," Carter said. "They'll finally be able to move on."
James pinched his eyes shut, desparate to keep his composure. But he'd long since lost control of his countenance.
His lower lip was trembling and he couldn't will his muscles to do anything he wanted them to.
"I'd have thought after all these years you might've at least given them a hint that you're alive. But I guess that's what fear does, doesn't it? It keeps us stuck on a path that feels safe, even if it's not the right one," Carter said.
"It's a tragedy that it led you here," Carter said. "But I think both of us know you chose this."
James wished he could turn away. He wished that he could get up and leave, or reach out and strangle the words out of Carter's mouth.
But he couldn't move. And he couldn't cry.
"I really am sorry it's all ending this way," Carter went on. "I really valued our friendship, and I wish it could've gone differently. But when you threw your life away, I couldn't let you take me down with you. You have to understand that."
James felt a hand touch his shoulder.
"You weren't worth it," Carter said. "And I see now that it's better for us both that I put you out of your misery."
James couldn't bring himself to open his eyes.
He didn't want to see this.
"You haven't changed," James whispered.
It felt like his vocal cords were about to break.
There was a prolonged silence, but Carter's hand remained steady on James's shoulder.
"But you have," Carter answered, barely audible.
James dared to crack his eyes open, looking to Carter to try to read his expression.
Ten years of friendship, and he still had no way of knowing what was real. But he could've sworn the anger and offense that boiled behind Carter's eyes was real.
"When were you going to tell me that you were a time mage?" Carter asked, his eyes piercing through him.
James didn't flinch.
He stared back, his mind running through every possible source that Carter might've heard that from.
Worst case scenario, it was one of his friends. More likely, it was Rita or Alexander. Just as likely, it could've been Tula. But he desperately hoped his attempt to help her escape wasn't entirely in vain.
Either way, Carter seemed to believe it. That, or he was testing the waters, waiting for James's reaction to tell if it was true.
There was a faint spark of hope over a dead fire.
If Carter believed James was a mage... would he kill him faster? Or would he, for some reason, keep him alive?
James knew that the kingdom didn't care about keeping mages secretly in their pocket. Arimala was a prime example.
James blinked slowly, unaware of how much time might've passed between the question and his answer.
"I guess... I never found the right time," James said.
Carter's upper lip twitched in conempt.
"Was that a fucking pun?" Carter spat.
James only stared back.
"So you don't deny it, then," Carter said.
James didn't reply.
"So you are a mage," Carter concluded. "All this time... hiding right under my nose. And to think, a time mage of all things wasn't able to escape discovery when you committed treason. I would think with your magic you could've actually pulled that off. But you were just too much of a fucking idiot to know how."
James didn't feel it was necessary to explain that his magic didn't manifest until he left the Moonlight Kingdom. But Carter did have an interesting point.
If James had known about his magic earlier in life, maybe he could have made a difference. More than he already did, anyway. Since it wasn't much in the big picture.
But what did that even matter? It wasn't like he could change the past. His magic only took him forward anyway.
Maybe that was another form of cruel poetry.
"Gods," Carter muttered. "So this really is necessary, then."
Not following, James squinted at Carter in the darkness, only realizing what Carter meant when he saw a syringe in his hand.
All of that withdrawl. And for what.
Carter inserted the needle into James's arm. As he pushed the contents in, he made brief eye contact with James.
"It won't be long," Carter said. "You'll be executed soon enough. So you have that to look forward to. It's too expensive to keep torturing you forever."
Except James wasn't comforted.
You're not worth it, was what he heard again. Something was irreversibly wrong with him if that was what he heard when Carter told him he didn't want to keep torturing him.
The rush of lumshade started to hit him again, and James recognized it as the sedative. The same clouded feeling began to wrap around his mind, pulling him into a dream-like state.
James's eyes stayed cracked open long enough to see Carter get up from his chair. He watched as Carter disappeared from view, turning into a shadow that disappeared into the darkness he was plunged into.
And as he woke again, there was a part of him that knew he was dreaming. But he found himself embracing the euphoria of being in a different reality other than his own - however unrealistic, however equally horrible, however bizzare.
When his eyes opened, he was facing upward again.
Still bound, he waited for something in the scenery to shift.
When it did, he found himself in a field of grass, lying down.
The grass was soft, and the sun was warm. The sky overhead was a cloudless pale blue, and the sun was a blinding white dot in the distance.
Bonds gone, James sat up, feeling a strange sense of comfort wash over him.
His father sat beside him.
Looking over, it was almost like looking into a mirror. His mother had always told him how much he and his father looked alike, but now it felt like he was looking at himself, in another life. A life where all of the pain he'd known didn't exist. A life where he'd had a chance to settle down. Have a family. Have a farm.
Never had something so simple and mundane been so heartwrenching.
His father turned to him, meeting his eyes with a small smile. But his smile waned as his eyes filled with deep concern.
"What's wrong, James?" his father asked.
James had forgotten the sound of his father's voice. Hearing it again made James's eyes well up, and tears already began to stream down his face, out of control.
How could he even begin to say?
"You look so tired," his father said, reaching over to touch James's face. The look in his father's eyes broke him.
"What happened?" his father asked again. And still James couldn't open his mouth to reply.
His father pulled him into an embrace, and James rested his head against his father's shoulder, hugging him back.
If this were real... what he would give if this were real.
"I'm going to see you soon," James said through tears.
His father hugged him tighter.
"But I'm right here," his father said. And his father's voice cracked.
James hugged him as tight as he could. But no matter how real it felt, he couldn't help but feel like his father was seconds away from being ripped away from him again.
He missed him. He just wished he had a father around again. Someone who would protect him from all of this.
"I know," James cried, even though he knew all of it was a lie.
"I know."
His cries turned to sobs.
"Just wait for me. Please."
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