Young Writers Society

Alien Rooms


Hunting for my head within these alien rooms
With zombie painted faces so austere
Crept behind by walls on which the faithful shadows loom

In rooms where deadened daises bloom
Under canopies of coiling hair
Hunting for my head within these alien rooms

In rooms with wasted treasures giant clocks consume
Where dreams are trapped inside ceramic ware
Crept behind by walls on which the faithful shadows loom

In rooms where understatements plume
With pleasing ashes glowing in the air
Hunting for my head within these alien rooms

In rooms with magic marionettes and mushrooms
Watching threadbare strings that hoist them in midair
Crept behind by walls on which the faithful shadows loom

In rooms with spinning parasol harpoons
With idols scheming nightmares
Hunting for my head within these alien rooms
Crept behind by walls on which the faithful shadows loom

Overall a great poem.

Thank you.

Well I have to say, I like your repetition. How you switched between to repetitive verse endings to draw together the poem. It emphasized your point and built suspension. But I feel as if you're ending was a bit anti-climactic: there could have been more to it. Like a bit more clarity, a phrase that pops out and makes us say "wow, so THAT'S the point..." Overall very creative, and cute, to say the least. Continue with youre ecclectic poetry.
Sincerely,
Klotrox

klotrox16,

Thanks for the review!

This poem is structured in the form of a villanelle, where the first and last lines of the first stanza repeat themselves in the last lines of the rest of the five stanzas. A good example of a villanelle is "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" by Dylan Thomas. You can check it out here: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/do-not-g ... ood-night/

I could have changed the last lines, but that would have broken the structure of the poem. It's okay if you don't get it right away. The "point" is about trying to "find your head" in odd and negative situations, and the "faithful shadows" are the things that are commonly mistaken for being bad, but are actually there to help and protect you.

Thank you for your thoughts.

I like the rhythm in this. It had a very nice flow. It made me want to say it aloud, but as it's 2:30 a.m here, that would be a bad idea. XD I love your imagery, but I found myself not quite getting these two lines.

"In rooms where understatements plume
With pleasing ashes glowing in the air"

Were the understatements written on paper and then burned? I'm sorry, I just find this line confusing. This, however, was probably my favorite line.

"In rooms with spinning parasol harpoons"

The image it brought to mind made me laugh. Good poem!

Hi Idraax, thanks for the review.

I'm sure you've noticed there are a lot of contrasting images in the poem, which is why I had the "understatements plume" line. It's supposed to be an oxymoron. Have you ever heard of a "pluming understatement"? Haha.

I really like the spinning parasol harpoons line. I got the idea from American McGee's "Alice".

Thank you again for the review.