It is interesting. I haven't read the others but you tell the whole thing. I mean i tell a lot too but i try to show when i know i can. And there is little Dialouge between characters. No sublty. I know you could make this inot something haunting. The way yyou described the vision she had was frightening. very very frightening.
Many things could be expanded on. Descriptions would be nice. of course i haven't read any of the other parts of this series so i might have mised them.
So she ran, dodging panicking servants and fleeing nobles, until she was jerked her into a room.
This was the only typo i saw. You don't need 'her'
This was cool and kinda scary. sad too. The emotions of the story are displayed well and I can tell you see this clear in your head. It flows nicely. Nothing rough or odd just a smooth story. It's more of a prolouge i think. But you can change that if you like.
This is just my opinion and it's your story so you know what's best.
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?" ----Stupei, Ace Defective
Thanks, I've tried adding more description, and I've messed with a few scenes, so there's probably new mistakes, but oh well. I like this version better.
I liked the first one, but after a while, the scenes were so blurred that it didn't make sense.
I suppose the main reason for this is the mysterious "her." You only define the main character once, as a nine-year-old, and this is okay. But you forget about your character later and then there's a bunch of stream-of-conscious images that do NOT make sense.
Mind you, I don't mind streams, but without anywhere to go from, it doesn't make sense. Is this a second chapter of something else you've written?
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
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Reviews: 16