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My Soul



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Tue Jan 03, 2012 1:13 am
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SouthersAngel says...



My soul hated me. It hated the things I did. I tried to push it aside but it gave me no rest. With each passing day it tried a little harder to rip it's way out of me.

At night as I tried to sleep I could hear it's pleads for release. "Why do you keep me?" it would cry. "You nether care for me nor feed me. You live your life as though I don't exist."

I would only close my eyes tighter a push it farther inside me. "I'll live my life the way I want to!" I'd tell it. "I don't want to live it for any one or anything else. I don't care want happens to you in the end."

My soul would cry at my words and tear at my heart. "Please don't do the things you do. Please stop."

It gave me no peace. It's voice drove me mad with each passing day. "Please care for me. You need me." My soul gave me no choice. I had to be rid of it. So I did.

I took it out of me.Thought it sreamed and tor at my flesh, I got rid of it. My skin still bares the scares of where it's small hands had tried to cling to me. But I ripped it away and placed it where I no can longer hear its cries.

I am now free. Free to do as I want, go where I want, be with the people I want to be with. It will never be able to jugde me again for the things I do!

However, the peace I was seeking is not there. I still can't sleep...the space where it once lived, cried, and pleaded haunts my insides. My heart bleeds from where I ripped it away. I'm lost. I have no soul to keep me. No soul to love me, to care for me, to feed me. I plead for it at night. I ask it to forgive me, but it won't come back. I killed it.
Last edited by SouthersAngel on Wed Jan 04, 2012 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
I know I'm a bad speller! So please read what I write without telling me it sucks because of that. If the spelling is really bad say so & I'll fix it. My problem is I write to fast & have a habit of over looking miss spells. So please be nice
  





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Tue Jan 03, 2012 10:53 am
LemonyIce says...



Hey there South! :D

Your story was really... different from what I usually read. Which is good, in a way. I liked reading it. It was dark and a little scary but it was good, in my opinion.

One major problem in your story was typos. Lots of typos. But I've marked them all out for you, and some other things too.

My soul hated me... (You don't need the ellipsis here.) It hated the things I did. I tried to push it aside but it gave me no rest. With reach passing day it tried a little harder to rip it's way out of me! (No exclamation mark.)

At night as I tried to sleep. I could hear it's pleads for releasment release. "Why do you keep me?" it would cry. "You neither care for me nor feed me. You live your life as though I don't exist."

I would only close my eyes tighter and push it farther inside me. "I'll live my life the way I want to!" I'd tell it. "I don't want to live it for any one or anything else. I don't care want what happens to you in the end."

My soul would cry at my words and tear at my heart. "Please don't do the things you do... (Again, no ellipsis here. Just one full stop is enough.) Please stop."

It gave me no peace. It's voice drove me mad with each passing day. "Please care for me... You need me." My soul gave me no choice. I had to be rid of it. So I did.

I took my soul it out of me.Thought it screamed and tore at my flesh. My skin still bares the scares of where it's small hands had tried to cling to me. But I ripped it away and placed it where I no can can no longer hear its cries.

I am now free. Free to do as I want, go where I want, be with the people I want to be with. It will never be able to jugde me again for the things I do! .

However, the peace I was seeking is not there. I still can't sleep... (No ellipsis.) The space where it once lived, cried, and pleaded haughts haunts my insides. My heart bleeds from where a I ripped it. I'm lost... (No ellipsis.) I have no soul to keep me ... (No ellipsis.) No soul to love me, to care for me, to feed me. I plead for it at night. I ask it to forgive me. But it won't come back. I killed it.


You used way too many ellipsis'. They were unnecessary. So, you could cut down on the use of ellipsis' and re-read your story too. But, otherwise, it was good. :D I liked the overall idea of the story and the descriptions.

~HPR~
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest.
The trees keep the tempo and they sway in time.
Quartet of crickets chime in for the chorus.
If I were to pluck on your heart strings would you strum on mine?

~Plant Life, Owl City
  





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Tue Jan 03, 2012 11:16 am
noninjaes says...



Hey there.
This story was a nice short story. It was well concluded and kept focus on the topic at hand. Though, your spelling needs a little work and ellipses were overused.

My soul hated me; It hated the things I did. I tried to push it aside but it gave me no rest. With reach passing day it tried a little harder to rip it's way out of me. (I don't really get this last sentence. It seems out of place as the story feels more like the soul wants to be loved and recognised as something important, not that the soul wants to escape.)

At night as I tried to sleep I could hear it's pleas to be released. "Why do you keep me?" It would cry. "You nether care for me nor feed me. You live your life as though I don't exist." (once again with the soul escaping vs. wanting to be cared for.)

I would only close my eyes tighter and push it farther inside me. "I live my life the way I want to!" I'd tell it. "I don't want to live it for any one or anything else. I don't care want happens to you in the end."

My soul would cry at my words and tear at my heart. "Please don't do the things you do... Please stop."

It gave me no peace. It's voice drove me mad with each passing day. "Please care for me... You need me." My soul gave me no choice. I had to get[(would work better) rid of it. So I did.

I took my soul out of me[b,]though[/b] it sreamed and tore at my flesh. My skin still bares the scares of where it's small hands had tried to cling to me. (Now the soul wants to stay?) But I ripped it away and placed it where I no could (tense) longer hear its cries.

I am now free. Free to do as I want, go where I want, be with the people I want to be with. It will never be able to jugde me again for the things I do.

However, the peace I was seeking is not there. I still can't sleep. The space where it one lived, cried, and pleaded hurts my insides. My heart bleeds from where I ripped it away. I'm lost. I have no soul to keep me, no soul to love me, to care for me or to feed me. I plead for it at night. I ask it to forgive me. But it won't come back - I killed it.


I see potential in your writing. I hope you take this review in good stride and use it to improve your writing.
Noni Naps Through Nano
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Tue Jan 03, 2012 4:31 pm
Angelreader77 says...



Hey South!
Nice story there. It's original. I like the idea and the way you portrayed it. You were really direct and got me really in with your starting sentence.
Still, I feel you've used way too many ellipses.
SouthersAngel wrote:My soul hated me... It hated the things I did.

The ellipse here isn't really required.
SouthersAngel wrote:With reach passing day it tried a little harder to rip it's way out of me!

No need for the exclamation mark.
SouthersAngel wrote:At night, as I tried to sleep, I could hear it's pleas for releasment release.
SouthersAngel wrote:"Please care for me... You need me."

This sounds weird. Think of it this way: Would anyone talk like that?
SouthersAngel wrote:But I ripped it away and placed it where I no can longer hear its cries.

I think this was a typo?
There are quite a few typos. A quick read through and I think you'll find them.
I felt that the character of the soul was a bit bleak. I wasn't that strong or that realistic to because in this story you haven't really said anything about it fighting. How abot adding a scene where it actually pleads?
Overall, it was a nice story and I enjoyed it.
Keep writing :D
Angel
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen
  





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Tue Jan 17, 2012 2:04 am
munchkin says...



HI! ( I'm new at this, so I'm not very good ) I liked this, but, I think you should have a little more of a background story? I think it might be even better then, and also, at the line "It will never be able to jugde me again for the things I do!" it may just be me, but, I think it should have something different then a exclamation point on the end, like a period...

Overall, I liked it!

Keep up the great writing!

Munchkin
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Mon Jan 23, 2012 4:17 pm
youngwolf1105 says...



Holy crapness that rocked!! It really made me think about it. And I like how you express the soul as another being that needs to fed, loved and cared for. And I like the little, "My soul hated me" at the beggining. I don't care what any one says, if it hadn't been for that I wouldn't have saw it like I did. I only saw one mistake that really jumped out at me.
"Thought it sreamed and tor at my flesh," Yeah, it should be though. but I bet you already knew that so I don't have anything else.
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
  





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Mon Jan 23, 2012 6:55 pm
PotterGeek101 says...



i absolutely loved this!

so descriptive and full of tiny detail to drag and pull the reader in. i thought it was perfect it captured the reader well and held them in. Spinning them with imagination and reeling them in with so much devotion to this work.
Just watched your grammar a bit though and a few tiny spelling mistakes but they didn't stop me from enjoying your work it's so brilliant! You have got to keep this up, i have never read any work like it before and it really is something to be proud of.
Keep writing i want to see more!
Life is full of Mysteries, but you can never solve them if you go looking for them. You can only solve them once they escape your mind and are right under your nose!
  








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