Young Writers Society

Sam walked through the silent forest , the trees were dense on his sides and the path he had taken was caving in , slowly getting narrower and melding into the forest . Pale shafts of moonlight penetrated the canopy and lit the forest with a pale eerie light . He felt out of place , he was not welcome here.

He walked with the stride of a lost child, relentlessly his head jolted from left to right , and he kept looking over his shoulder , was it following him?.Panic and regret took his system .what was he doing, What an idiot! . There was no chance of him making it out of the other end....He froze. something had just moved behind him.

He did not move for a while , feeling that maybe it hadn't seen him yet. But he new this was a stupid lie, of course it had seen him , he was about to die , he will be just another corpse by sunrise...another rustle of the leaves but louder. That was too much for Sam to bear . he ran.

As he wildly charged his breathing became heavy and loud , the green that surrounded him became a blur . Behind him he heard the sound he dreaded . a loud galloping of heavy feet filled the air, the chase was on.

Sweat formed unnoticed . A stitch gnawed at his insides but he wouldn't stop now, not when he life depended on running.
He was now in territory he did know of , strange plants grew , the trees were no longer the pines he grew up knowing, and the path was lined with purple-leaved bushes which gave of a heavy , sickly smell. The galloping remained , the creature behind the young boy was slowly catching up .

Sam felt an incredible force colide with his back, his feet left the ground as he toppled over and hit the floor face in the dirt with two huge paws pinning him down . This was the end.

Hot sticky breath tingled the back of his neck and made the hairs stand up , he heard the unsticking noise occur when lips part ,and then a shrieking howl.

The paws had gone along with the breath, he lay there feeling winded and tired not wanting to get up. He only moved when he heard a voice " what the ell are you doin out ere" A man wielding a spear aproached Sam wearing a tattered fur coat , His huge beard and meter long hair was a fiery red and his face was domiated by scars and cuts 'tight situation you wer in ther , full grown red-wolf was about to rip yoor spine out' .

Sam looked to the side, A huge red furred creature lay with a spear coming out of its rib cage, its head was indeed in the shape of a wolfs , gum and teeth were showing and its eyes were open but saw nothing.
"thankyou" Sam said shakily
" noffin to worry about li'll lad, dyou want to come wiv me"
" no " Sam replied remembering why he came
"no im sorry , i half to do somthing" .
" Right, then , you'll probably die any way" with that the man dissapeared of the path, Sam took one more look at the mangled body of the wolf and took of again , this time quiker than before.

All critucs wilcome

And just so you all know theres AN ULTIMATE RANDOMNESS TOURNAMENT in the contest place , and its fun and could win you 100 points donated by me.

Your description was pretty good. You definatlely made it seem dark and lonely. I like the way you made sam feel like he was in an exotic forest when he saw the purple bushes and all of the other weird plants. This makes me want to come back for more so I can see what kind of exotic people and creatures live in this area. There were some mispelled words and this can easily be fixed if you run it through the spell checker the YWS provides. All in all I liked the story even though you didn't tell us why he was in the forest in the first place. I think that's okay because it makes us want to read the next chapter to see why.

I cant master spell check , its like a bloody goat but with feathers

blob wrote:All crits welcome but please be honest , any untrue comments will just mess up my writing block even more .

I can't think of a single person on the site that would say something untrue, so you really didn't need to put this here, but I'll try not to be too rough.

blob wrote:Sam walked through the silent forest , the trees were dense and thick on his sides and the path he had taken was caving in , slowly getting narrower and more part of the forest itself.

Firstly, saying that "the trees were dense and thick", is a little repetitive. I would suggest choosing one word and deleting the other, so that it became the trees were dense or the trees were thick. I'd go for the first, personally...

Secondly, the last piece of the sentence sounds a little awkward. I would suggest a rewording something like: [/i]slowly narrowing and melding into the rest of the forest.[/i]

And just a a minor note: you don't need spaces in front of commas and periods. They come directly after the word that precedes them.

blob wrote:Pale shafts of moonlight penatreted the canopy and lit the forest with a pale eerie light . He was not welcome here, he felt as if he were out of place.

I like the description in the first sentence. The second sentence, I would reorder so that his feeling of being out of place comes before the statement that he was unwelcome. It just follows more logically that way.

And "penatreted" should be "penetrated".

blob wrote:He walked with the stride of a lost child, relentlesly his head jolted from left to right , and he kept looking over his shoulder as though he suspected somthing.

I would split this up into two sentences, ending the first after "lost child". The description of his stride seems a little odd, but I'm not sure how to reword it.

"relentlesly" should be "relentlessly".

And was it really "as though he suspected something" or did he really suspect something?

blob wrote:Panic and regret took his system, what was he doing, What an idiot .

Once again, I would split this into more than one sentence: Panic and regret took his system. What was he doing? What an idiot!

blob wrote:There was no chance of him making it out of the other end....He froze. somthing had just moved behind him.

The other end of what? We assume that you mean the forest, but I would rather that you didn't make the reader assume.

I would start a new paragraph with "He froze" and delete the ellipses (i.e. the "...").

"somthing" should be "something" and sound be capitalized because it is the beginning of a sentence.

blob wrote:He did not move for a while , feeling that maybe it hadent seen him yet.

feeling or thinking?

And "hadent" should be "hadn't".

blob wrote:But he new this was a stupid lie, ofcourse it had seen him , he was about to die , he will be just another corpse by sunrise...

another rustle of the leaves but louder. That was too much for Sam to bear so he ran.

I'm not crazy about starting a sentence with the word "but" and I would split this sentence up as well: He knew this was a stupid lie. Of course it had seen him. He was about to die. He will be just about corpse by sunrise.

"will" should be "would" in that last bit in order to keep the past tense and I would delete this ellipses as well.

and "ofcourse" should be "of course".

blob wrote:another rustle of the leaves but louder. That was too much for Sam to bear so he ran.

I would start a new paragraph here to add a sense of suddenness. The second sentence I would split into two: That was too much for Sam to bear. He ran.

blob wrote:As he wildly charged his breathing became heavy and loud ,

I would make this it's own sentence and reword it a little so that it read: His breathing became heavy and loud as he charged. If it were me, I would also add something about where he was charging. As you have it now, it sounds like he's running at something, and I don't think that's what you mean.

blob wrote:the green that surounded him became a blur . Behind him he heard the sound he dredded . a loud galloping of heavy feet filled the air, the chase had begun.

It would seem to me that the chase had already begun being as he was running. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say "the chase was on"?

And "dredded" should be "dreaded" and "surounded" should be "surrounded".

blob wrote:Sweat formed unnoticed .

I love this sentence. Not quite sure why I like it so much, but it just says so much in so few words.

blob wrote: A stitch gnawed at his insides but he would'nt stop now, not when he life depended on running.

It sounds slightly impassive to say "not when his life depended on running". I would separate it off as it's own sentence and say "His life depended on running now".

"would'nt" should be "wouldn't".

blob wrote:He was now in terotory he did know of ,

I think you're missing a "not" somewhere in there.

"terotory" should be "territory".

blob wrote:strange plants grew,

Where did they grow?

blob wrote:the trees were no longer the pines he grew up knowing, and the path was lined with purple-leaved bushes which gave of a heavy , sickly smell.

Great description.

blob wrote:The galoping remained , the creature behind the young boy was slowly catching up .

"galoping" should be "galloping".

blob wrote:Sam felt an encredible force colide with his back, his feet left the ground as he toppled over and hit the floor face down with two huge paws pinning him down . This was the end.

"encredible" should be "incredible" and "colide" should be "collide".

blob wrote:Hot sticky breath tingled the back of his neck and made the hairs stand up ,

This should be it's own sentence and you just used the word "sticky" to describe the plants a few minutes ago. Can you think of another word?

blob wrote:he heard the unsticking noise occur when lips open ,and then a belowing roar.

I'm not real excited about this description. Hearing someone's lips part is creepy, and I like that you included it, but it seems awkward the way you put it. Also, from the rest of this piece, I would say that that roar was the creature's death cry, but you can't tell that until you move onto the next section. Is there anyway you can include that here?

"belowing" should be "bellowing".

blob wrote:He lay there for a while , the paws had gone along with the breath .

I would reorder that so that you know that the paws were gone before you know that he just lay there for a moment.

blob wrote:The fact that He only got up when he heard the voice

I'm not sure how you meant to word this. This should either be: In fact, he only got up when he heard the voice or He only got up once he heard the voice

If it's the first one, I would make it "the voice of a man" and if it's the second, I would make it "a voice".

blob wrote: " what the ell are you doin out ere" A man wielding a spear aproached Sam, wearing a tattered fur coat . 'tight situation you wer in ther , full grown red-wolf was about to rip yoor spine out' Sam looked to the side, A huge red furred creature lay with a spear coming out of the rib cage, its head was indeed in the shape of a wolfs , gum and teeth were showing and its eyes were open but saw nothing, "thankyou" Sam said shakily " noffin to worry about li'll lad, dyou want to come wiv me" " no " Sam replied remembering why he came"no im sorry , but i half to do somthing" . " Right, then , you'll probably die any way" with that the man dissapeared of the path, Sam took one more look at the mangled body of the wolf and took of again , this time quiker than before.

Dialogue starts a new paragraph, so this section should read (and it starts with a new paragraph):

"what the 'ell are you doin' out 'ere?" A man wielding a spear approached Sam, wearing a tattered fur coat . "Tight situation you wer in ther. Full grown red-wolf was about to rip yoor spine out."

Sam looked to the side. A huge red, furred creature lay with a spear coming out of its rib cage. Its head was indeed in the shape of a wolf's. Gum and teeth were showing and its eyes were open but saw nothing.

"Thank you," Sam said shakily.

"Noffin' to worry about li'll lad, d'you want to come wiv me?"

"No," Sam replied remembering why he came. "No, I'm sorry, but i half to do something."

"Right, then, you'll probably die any way." With that the man disappeared of the path.

Sam took one more look at the mangled body of the wolf and took off again, this time quicker than before.

(I've also fixed puncuation and spelling in this section, so look at it closely.)

I enjoyed this a lot and I hope that you'll continue. You have me curious as to why he came to the forest and just what he needs to accomplish.

DEAR LORD!, thank you duskglimmer!,you must of spent ages doin this, and i dont take it lightly. I hearby vow to review anything you write(that i know of) within the next month, seriously i thankyou once more oh mighty one.

P.S if you've noticed ive done every thing youve said( exept efew ).

First, before I begin, there are many spelling errors that can easily be fixed if you run the Spell Check on the forum. It's not hard. Just click it and the program corrects errors for you. To ignore the spelling errors otherwise, will only prove you're not ready to commit and the story will never flow properly.

In my critique, I'll be addressing grammar, sentence structure and story analysis. Fair warning, I have a tendency to overanalyze. As the writer, you can either accept it as a breath of fresh air, or ignore it. But I will throw caution to the wind. When I overanalyze, I might tap into something you had forgotten yourself.

Alrighty, let the critiquing commence!

Sam walked through the silent forest , the trees were dense on his sides and the path he had taken was caving in , slowly getting narrower and melding into the forest . Pale shafts of moonlight penetrated the canopy and lit the forest with a pale eerie light . He felt out of place , he was not welcome here.

First, and Duskglimmer already pointed this out. You do not need spaces for commas and periods. It's incorrect grammar. Notice my sentences? If you ignore this suggestion, your story will already fall flat on its face before it began. A good writer will write such a story, that when it's over, the reader will not forget it. Right now, the story is rocky and unstable at the moment. But that's why you’re here; to improve.

After 'forest,' place a period and start a new sentence. Instead of the comma after 'in', try placing 'and' then place a comma after narrower. Last sentence; after 'place' I suggest a semicolon.

And out of curiosity, why is Sam roaming a forest and alone? Shouldn't he have some means of a weapon?

He walked with the stride of a lost child, relentlessly his head jolted from left to right , and he kept looking over his shoulder , was it following him?.Panic and regret took his system .what was he doing, What an idiot! . There was no chance of him making it out of the other end....He froze. something had just moved behind him.

Hmm… The first sentence has too many commas and the sentences are run along. Secondly, what exactly is the definition of a 'lost child?' The way you've described Sam is he appears to be uneasy, frightened or possible confused. Note, the head jolting and paranoia. The term lost to me means a loss of direction, whether it be physically (a map) or emotionally detached (confused or uncertainty).

I would remove either 'walked' or 'stride.' The two are repetitive since stride means essentially the same as walked. It just describes how quickly he's walking, therefore the two are unneeded.

With the stride of a lost child… is one approach to start the sentence. After 'child' I would place a period and in front of 'relentlessly' try: Sam's head jolted from left to right, and looked for his shoulder. Capitalize 'was' and you need to put a space in between 'him?' and 'Panic.'

Second sentence; Capitalize 'what' and after 'doing' put a question mark, since Sam is asking a question. A period is not needed if you have an exclamation mark is being used after 'idiot.' You do not need (…). Although, I forgot the name, the only time I use (…) when writing is if one of my characters is stuttering or if it distinguishes a thought process. In the context of how you're using (…) doesn't fit. After 'end,' place a period instead.

When I was reading this paragraph, it made no sense to me at all. Of course, I understood he was running from something but a chase scene was too sudden. Notice your first paragraph. You describe Sam casually walking through a forest, then all of a sudden (second paragraph) he's nervous and fleeing for his life?

Huh? You're depriving the readers of some very important information. What initially caused Sam to run and why? Were there noises? Some inhumane howl? You need to dig deeper and develop Sam's character more.

He did not move for a while , feeling that maybe it hadn't seen him yet. But he new this was a stupid lie, of course it had seen him , he was about to die , he will be just another corpse by sunrise...another rustle of the leaves but louder. That was too much for Sam to bear . he ran.

Again, this paragraph is very confusing. Why did Sam assume an animal was stalking him? A rustle of leaves hardly proves something was following him. We walk through leaves all the time in autumn. Now, if claws were grinding against stone or teeth gnashing, that's an entirely different matter all together. Those types of sounds are not a natural noise of nature.

'Stupid lie' doesn't sit well with me. Try 'Sam knew it was foolish (or ridiculous; your choice). Of course it had seen him. He was about to die and would be another corpse by sunrise.' I removed unneeded words and such. If you read through your paragraph, you'll notice. With this revise, notice how well the two sentences give balance to the story and Sam as a whole? Sounds much better, doesn't it?

I suggest removing 'another rustle of leaves' because it does absolutely nothing for suspense. Like I mentioned earlier, a howl, gashing teeth or a slight growl would serve better in this scene. Don't hold back though. We are all gifted with imaginations; set yours loose and create a monstrous creature stalking Sam.

As he wildly charged his breathing became heavy and loud , the green that surrounded him became a blur . Behind him he heard the sound he dreaded . a loud galloping of heavy feet filled the air, the chase was on.

Using two verbs in the same sentence is a no, no. Personally, I would remove 'wildly.' Or you could say, 'As he ran wildly, (or frantically) Sam's breath became heavy and loud.' After 'loud' a period needs to be placed anyway and start a new sentence. Second sentence; after 'him' place a comma and capitalize 'a'. After 'air,' replace the comma and put 'and' instead.

Sam felt an incredible force colide with his back, his feet left the ground as he toppled over and hit the floor face in the dirt with two huge paws pinning him down . This was the end.

Put a period after 'back.' I think you forgot 'first' after 'face.' Besides the run on sentence, the descriptions are good.

Hot sticky breath tingled the back of his neck and made the hairs stand up , he heard the unsticking noise occur when lips part ,and then a shrieking howl.

Place a comma after 'sticky.' Besides another run on sentence, the whole paragraph doesn't sit well with me. I just can't picture a beast breathing on my neck if I were Sam. I don’t mean to change your way of writing but I am going to try an shorten so it's more precise. However, since you are the writer, you're free to accept my suggestion or not. Here we go:

'Hot, sticky breath tingled the nape of his neck, forcing the hairs to stand vertical.' Notice that one example strengthened the feel of both Sam's emotions and how his body responded?

After 'up, put a period and start a new sentence. Also, have you ever actually heard lips sticking together, much less coming apart? Our sense of hearing isn't that precise. We can force noises from our lips but can't actually hear involuntary sounds otherwise. One other thing, 'unsticking' I do not believe is an actual word, so you will not find it a dictionary or the Spell Check. I would strongly suggest in revising the 'unsticking noise from lips' part. Our bodies respond in many (diverse) ways under pressure, fear, uncertainty and confusion. Clear your mind and close your eyes. Do not listen to music or TV. Shut your door and allow yourself to completely concentrate, without distractions. Think back to a time when you were scared out of your wits. How did YOUR body react? Did you shake, whimper, scream, cry, ect.

Right now, I don't feel sympathy at all for Sam. The animal could have clawed his right cheek and it wouldn't matter to me. Why is this? Sam's character isn't developed, which I keep mentioning. You don't have to describe him outright but maybe describe physical characteristics such as hair color or possibly height. The other option is giving Sam some unique characteristic; make him ugly or mysterious. Draw the reader into Sam's personality so when we see him fighting for his life, we're praying for his survival. This is NOT an easy and requires work and a lot of editing.

However, try this link. It's a character map. Fill it out and if you are finding yourself unable to complete several areas, chances are your character needs more work. Besides, it helps gain further insight anyway. It's actually very fun, at least I think so.

forum/viewtopic.php?t=4985

Of course, it’s a long character map, lol. But you should try and fill in what you already know about Sam.

The paws had gone along with the breath, he lay there feeling winded and tired not wanting to get up. He only moved when he heard a voice " what the ell are you doin out ere" A man wielding a spear aproached Sam wearing a tattered fur coat , His huge beard and meter long hair was a fiery red and his face was domiated by scars and cuts 'tight situation you wer in ther , full grown red-wolf was about to rip yoor spine out' .

The paws had gone along with the breath? Huh? *scratches head* I haven't a clue what you were trying to attempt with that phrase. You need to revise that one.

Put a period after 'breath' and start an new sentence. Instead of 'not wanting' replace the two words with 'refusing.' And don't forget a comma after 'refusing.' (If you choose to use the word). It will make the sentence less cluttered and more accurate. After 'there' place a comma.

Oh, goody; Dialogue. Here's a crash course with dialogue. First, every time someone new speaks, start brand new paragraph. Also, when a person is speaking you need to capitalize the beginning of the word. For instance:

He lay there, feeling winded and tired, refusing to get up. He only moved when he heard a voice.
"What the 'ell are you doin' out 'ere?"

Great speech by the way! I love it.

Sam looked to the side, A huge red furred creature lay with a spear coming out of its rib cage, its head was indeed in the shape of a wolfs , gum and teeth were showing and its eyes were open but saw nothing.

Put a period after 'side.' You can do two things here. One; you can place a period after 'cage' and start a new sentence or you can removed the comma and place 'and' instead. If I can make another suggestion, I will alter your sentence again. Of course, it's your decision but the change I'll make should strength the overall description of the dead carcass:

A huge red furred creature that represented a fox, lied with a spear coming out (or protruding) of its rib cage. Its gums and teeth were showing but the animal's eyes were blank.

See how short and sweet that sentence is? I removed some words but you can always use a Thesaurus yourself and play around with different words. *shrugs* I used 'blank' just to see if it fit well in the sentence and I think it worked out. How about you?

"thankyou" Sam said shakily
" noffin to worry about li'll lad, dyou want to come wiv me"
" no " Sam replied remembering why he came
"no im sorry , i half to do somthing" .
" Right, then , you'll probably die any way" with that the man dissapeared of the path, Sam took one more look at the mangled body of the wolf and took of again , this time quiker than before.

"Thank you," Sam said, shakily.
"Noffin to worry about li'll lad. D'you want to come wiv me?"
"No," Sam replied, remembering why he came. "No, I'm sorry but I have to do something."

Getting the hang of it?

Here's another article on dialogue. Read it, study it and practice. Dialogue in the literary world is the hardest tool to master in writing. There are so many levels and concepts a writer can use to strengthen a character but first you must learn the basics.

http://www.ver2.biz/snoink/kn/writing/3.php
This article was written by Snoink.

My final thoughts: Once you are able 'mold' Sam into a living and breathing figure, the story itself will have more of a purpose and readers will hopefully connect with him. I'm not sure who the person is that killed the animal for Sam, but I enjoyed his dialect. He or she seems to be decent in aiming but blunt, especially when they commented on Sam would die if he stayed in the forest alone.

As for the story itself, I'm undecided honestly. I feel this was a forced or the story was written too quickly, therefore gaps were left. I don't see a real plot or point to this story except Sam is running for his life and stumbles upon a strange person that adapted to the forest. I still don't understand why he was alone in the first place, in a strange land. Perhaps, it'll be explained later on.

I will return and see what improvements or editing that has been done. *clears throat* Use the Spell Check. I also look forward to the story continuing and learning more of this 'creature' that offered assistance to Sam.
-fishr

Whoa!, firstly thankyou, i think youve just changed my style completly ( but in a very good way) all your tips got me thinking about how complicated litracy is, And ive noticed how youve tacticly positioned These things every were to comfort me . but dont worry i can take insult like a pig froloking in mud. Any way , im not gonna edit this piece , partioly because no one else will read it now its gone down the list and partioly cs i hate it, worst thing ive ever written, but dont think your time has gone to waste, in my next piece youll hopefully see all your tips bieng demostrated , and once again thankyou.

Whoa!, firstly thankyou, i think youve just changed my style completly ( but in a very good way) all your tips got me thinking about how complicated litracy is,

You're very welcome. I hope I didn't actually 'change' your writing style. My intention was to gently push you harder to accomplish your craft. Writing, yes, it's an art in my opinion and like any art, it has to be worked with to prefect its full potential, just like painting, sketching, sculpting, ect.

As for the smilies, I do this all the time, lol. It's just a habit. I've spent too much time on the Net.

but dont worry i can take insult like a pig froloking in mud.

LOL! I like that analogy. That was cool. It's kind of a pity you're giving up on the story because I was curious to find out more about the hunter that saved Sam. But have fun with your newest project. I have a bout five pieces that need editing, lol, and one day I'll have them all finished.