Young Writers Society

As of late, for some strange reason, I've become somewhat interested in astronomy and space. The results of this curiousity have been written down in a story that slowly develops in another world, in another time, about two or three hundred years from 2009...

Hope you enjoy it.

This is tentatively rated PG-13, but that rating might change during the course of writing. For now I'll say that the first few chapters are rated PG 13 for violence, including some torture.

I wrote what I thought on the attatchment. Bring me more to reeeeeeeeeeeeeeead

I apologize for double posting but I noticed I attached the incorrect file, I put the original version up and not the one I wrote all over X: Sorry about that

EDIT -- I Just noticed I can fiddle around with attachments under edit so this won't happen again xD I hate forums.

well thank you for reading it. I'll post more in this thread when I get the chance, but we'll see. School's not exactly an easy thing to write around.

Now, I don't know if anyone else found these errors, so here it is.

Yo,
I read this first chapter, and there was something in the general atmosphere, which made me think of the golden age masters. Clarke? - I asked myself. Noooo. Heinlein? Noooo. And then it hit me: these three books by Azimov (same cenral character) :

David Starr, Space Ranger
Lucky Starr and the Pirates of the Asteroids
Lucky Starr and the Oceans of Venus

...which I read as a kid, had a very similar atmosphere. A very similar approach to the action and the characters. Which can only mean one thing, to me at least. A measly 10% increase in style quality would make this a 100% legitimate science fiction

Hello there! This was quite a perfect story. I loved your characters, I loved the plot, and I loved the brilliant pacing. However, You did have problems starting out; It was slowly-paced, and there were a lot of run on sentences and unnecessary details. That improved by the end, but my only nitpicks lie in the first couple of paragraphs.

The world turned upside down, and spiraled from there as he hit the ground rolling.

I don’t like this first sentence. It doesn’t really hook me into the story, and it is rather clichéd. The world turned upside down? You obviously mean it figuratively, but it could apply to a number of situations. I’d go more into detail.

Twisting and turning, the hard, gritty ground unyielding, insensitive to his bound form bouncing uncontrollably for at least ten feet, when the Fielder finally came to a harsh stop, face down in the sand.

Run on sentence alert! It feels like you just mashed together a whole bunch of sentences and it looks bad. Try breaking them up.

He could hear the laughter of his captors trailing off in the distance as they left him in the middle of this god-forsaken desert. A desert that had no name; or any that the Fielder was aware of, at any rate.

Hmm, I think that I would choose a different name for your main character. Fielder just makes me think of baseball, and I can tell that sort of thing is not the kind of mod you’re trying to portray in your story. Besides, why is he called ‘The fielder’?

Lifting his head up, sand clung to his cheek, and the wind started to kick up plenty of it, slapping him in the face and blinding him further.

This is another run-on sentence. Perhaps you could break it up as follows, “Lifting his head up, sand clung to his cheek.” I don’t think the last part is really necessary.

Really though, I cannot wait to read more! Post when it's up. ^^

I should probably say something here regarding this work in case anyone else is interested...I quit this story a long time ago, due to lack of inspiration, amongst other things. I have had tons of works up on here, and the most recent is called The Desert Messiah; in fact, it's only a few threads down. I'd be grateful if anybody here would read that, as that I think that it, being my most recent work, is way better than what I was doing here anyway.