Young Writers Society

There sat a fluffy bunny,
On my kitchen counter.
He sniffed around and looked at me,
And asked "Why do you wonder?"

Too surprised to speak,
I stared at him in awe.
"Suit yourself," he said to me,
"To stare is against the law."

He hopped up to the fridge,
And kicked the door ninja-style.
All I could do was gape,
While he attacked my food-pile.

"Where are the carrots?" he asked,
And pointed some spinach at me.
"I have them now, but you must come,
And join me for a cup of tea.

Leave your deadly weapon,
we have no need for that.
I won't attack you, and if I do,
I vow to eat my hat."

The bunny put his weapon down,
I sighed a sigh of relief.
For if that stuff entered my mouth,
My family would be in grief.

I led the bunny to a table,
Laden with sweets a plenty.
"Where are the carrots?" he asked again,
I said, "Just wait, and there will be twenty."

I ran into the kitchen,
And brought out a bag,
'Twas covered in sequins,
And had a tiny tag.

"Carrots many, are in this,
'Tis a magical pouch.
While seemingly small, it can hold a man,
And for that I can vouch."

The bunny opened the sack,
And peeked inside in wonder.
A sea of orange greeted him,
And ready was he to loot and plunder.

He jumped into the purse,
Delighted with this treat.
Little did he know,
I had a trick up my feet.

I pushed him inside further,
I pushed him down, down, down.
He choked and gasped and gurgled,
Until finally, he did drown.

Drowned in his own greed,
I now end this lore.
He cannot steal more carrots,
The Carrot Bandit is no more.

Now excuse me for I keep my vows,
Don't be surprised at that!
I have to leave you now,
And eat my tasty hat.

Buhahaha! I'm here!

Eh-hm, anyways,

First and second paragraph: I found it quite interesting. There was a nice rhyme to it, and it flowed pretty well. Though, I really wished you could add a little more description to the bunny, rather than just saying it was fluffy. Of course, I know, adding it in there would be kind out hard, so I thought you would fit it in the other paragraphs. Sadly though, you did not. Bunnies are of all kinds and colors. You have black bunnies, brown bunnies, white bunnies. Blue-eyed bunnies, green-eyes bunnies, black-eyed bunnies, red-eyed bunnies. What is this bunny?

Third paragraph: Now, this paragraph did go well with the poem and all, but there was this one thing I just felt need to pick on:

He hopped up to the fridge,
And kicked the door ninja-style.
All I could do was gape,
While he attacked my food-pile.

Because the second line had a hyphen, you didn't need to make the last line have a hyphen too. In fact, the need of hyphen for "food pile" is completely unnecessary!

Fourth paragraph: Now, I'm a little confused here.

"Where are the carrots?" he asked,
And pointed some spinach at me.
"I have them now, but you must come,
And join me for a cup of tea.

You see, over here, he asks for the carrots, then points some spinach at you, but says he has them (the carrots)? It could just be me, so if it is, care to clear that up for me? Also, the last line, "And join me for a cup of tea" <- that seems very random and forced.

Fifth paragraph: Oh, wait. Since you didn't end the previous paragraph with a apostrophe, and you didn't start this paragraph with a new one, I assumed the bunny was still talking. But as I reached the sixth paragraph, I realized that it was the poet. If I were to take the fourth and fifth paragraph aside, it would be very confusing.

Sixth paragraph: Again, confused. (I seriously think something's wrong with me...) But it was just the last line.

The bunny put his weapon down,
I sighed a sigh of relief.
For if that stuff entered my mouth,
My family would be in grief.

Why would your family be in grief? Is the poet allergic to spinach? Seriously, over here, I think you were just looking for something to rhyme with "relief", since it also felt quite forced.

Seventh:

I led the bunny to a table,
Laden with sweets a plenty.
"Where are the carrots?" he asked again,
I said, "Just wait, and there will be twenty."

Didn't you say he already had it, in the fourth paragraph?

Eighth: The first line says that the poet ran into the kitchen. Wasn't the poet and the bunny already in the kitchen?

Ninth:

"Carrots many, are in this,
'Tis a magical pouch.
While seemingly small, it can hold a man,
And for that I can vouch."

Why go around the bush, when you can just jump in? Why not say "Many carrots are in this" or "In this, are many carrots", since it won't make a difference with the rhyme, because the first and third line don't rhyme. The way you framed it, just doesn't feel right.

Tenth, Eleventh, Twelfth,: You killed a fluffy bunny!

Last (hopefully):

Now excuse me for I keep my vows,
Don't be surprised at that!
I have to leave you now,
And eat my tasty hat.

This paragraph is completely unrelated to the poem, and is so random, it completely ruins the flow! Vows? What vows? And hat? Where did all that come from?

I hope I wasn't to harsh. I actually really liked the poem, as it had a good rhyme, good flow, and good humor throughout it. (despite the last paragraph)

Also, because of the ninth paragraph, the plot seems very familiar, especially the "magic pouch" and then the tying the bunny in, though I can't put my finger on it. (And it's not related Murty's poem.) *suspicious*

-TwistedMuffins.

Bubbly!

I loved this poem! It was cute and funny and enjoyable to read. I loved the idea of a bunny Carrot Bandit, and how at the end you actually did stick to your promise and ate your hat XD

I think MuffMuffs did all the corrections already so I'm not much use there. I will say I like your rhyming, it did break up a little bit in some places but it was overall really good

Deanie x

Hermydear! ^.^

This is so nice. It's charming and playful and so much fun to read. It all looks and feels so perfect because it's written by an actual mischievous, entertaining little child. xD
It's always the light-hearted and fantastical ones that make me happy to read.

There's good description you've got going on here. The greedy evil bunny is a sly guy. But not sly enough to fool you! ;D The rhyming was very nice and cute and was simple enough to be engaged with as well as good enough to sound interesting. Just be careful with using the already rhymed words twice. For example, you've used the word 'wonder' in the first stanza and a time again in the 11th stanza. It's not a big deal. But just so that it doesn't come off as being repetitive and have the reader go, 'Hmm, I've read that word before in here somewhere'. Personally, I didn't mind at all that you mentioned the word twice. But just so that in the future when you write more amazing poems like this, you'll improve on them.

Laden with sweets a plenty.

Here, don't separate the 'a' from 'plenty'. It should in fact be, 'aplenty'

And that's all that there is to critique about this piece. Muffin has covered some stuff too, so I'll not delve any deeper. It's got great flow and rhythm like everyone before me has said and does well to broaden my imagination a bit. Cute, funny, adventurous and lovable. A great Tale with great penmanship (womanpenship, rather? ...or girlpenship..... no. Hermyship! )

So great job, Hermy. You've done me proud. I love this piece and it's by far the best that I've read of yours till date. Keep the ink flowing! You've got sirius talent.

Murtuza

This was a nice, cheerful poem. It tells a story rather well and has a nice even flow most of the time.

The character that was presented was missing a deeper physical description, but the characteristics were there loud and clear, so the reader gets a good picture of the mischievous rabbit.

Just a quick mention, in the first stanza, counter and wonder don't rhyme. This messes with the constant rhyme in the rest of the poem. Also, I am not familiar with "trick up my feet".

I like how it is set out kind of like a story someone would tell to their small children in the Victorian era. It makes it feel like the Carrot Bandit is a real part of folklore. I also like how the narrator is more expressive and active in this poem. It makes it more entertaining.

I enjoyed reading your poem. I am delighted by its cheerful and light-hearted tone, even though it conveys a more serious message. I wouldn't mind reading another of your pieces some time soon. Keep writing.

-noninjaspresent

GASP! I love this! It has such a nice voice to it and- well to me- dark humour. I can't explain why, but I just laughed when he drowned. I know this is probably intended to be a silly poem- like, improvised- but I read it with a deep social message. I am reading WAY too deep into this, but from an angle this "carrot bandit" could be a government official or something. Again I am reading too deep into it but that's the impression I got from it. I loved it! Keep going!