Young Writers Society

I thought it sexy when she said
.......“Parting is all we know of Heaven
.......and all we need of Hell,”
and all we see in love.

.....I think Charles told me:
close your eyes—
.................when it comes—
............................everything else is gossip—
before you shed the virgin shroud
and smoke rises, parting your lips
in a long sustained drag.
.........Those lips, penetrated by my offered
..............................cigarette, the only phalli we’ll need

when we talk about love,
when I think of Ray C. and imagine kissing your lips
and the thousand silent lost things

.............................that run away before mid-morning,
or summer romance letters we’ve never sent—
so we hide and forget between moth-holes

...............................that hold us together like aborted emotions
...............................above a gasping gaping breast,
in—
....air struggles to take
..........—out of the warn, but warm wool pocket, like a chewed on manhole
large enough to swallow a poet on his camel,
because we think it’s easy to walk
through the curious eye of fidelity—

..........imagine painting those parting dreams.
It’s the running of watercolors down
a window-pane from the morning dew…
..........just see your face in the river current
..........it’s like
................watching people leave, crawling with dawn
................from under the sweat stained sheets of spring.
That’s the feeling of the embolic heart valve; just waiting to give way,
...................or maybe it's the sign that at my time, I’ve learned eating apples
.....................................................was never loving sin

but helping me kiss the morning dew
resting on this naked skin in bliss.

Ew. A cigarette should never be taken as a penis (or penis substitute), ever. For one, it's rather smelly. For another, it's too small. Don't forget the whole burning vaginal walls sorts of things.

In other news, this was kind of boring. I mean, you had all these interesting subjects, but it was quite clear that you didn't really care about any of them and were just spewing them out to get some sort of reaction. But... that sort of thing is rather boring, don't you think? I mean, you had a bunch of Christian imagery, for instance, but you coupled the Christian imagery (or pseudo-Christian imagery... apples, really?) with sex. Still, because you treated the subject so irreverently, it's really hard to take it seriously at all. If you actually took it seriously and believed in what you were writing, it would be so much better. But... you don't apparently. So yeah, it kind of sucks.

Better luck next time?

Hello Mustard!

I think by now I don't have to repeat myself, but I will. The overuse of italics puts an unnecessary burden on your work.

First stanza... "I thought it sexy when she said." This declaration doesn't make me care what she said, and it doesn't make me care what the poem says. Go deeper into the movement of it turning you on. It does come across as apathetic, which is a bad foundation to lay for the romantic stanzas to come. This stanza in general feels like an attempt to physically incorporate a preluding quote into the poem itself, but there's little tying it to the rest of the poem.

Second stanza does not need all the dashes. If anything drop the dash after "eyes."

Unlike Snoink, I think the smoking/sex aspect was great, although perhaps this line could be refitted: "cigarette, the only phalli we'll need." Don't be afraid to use the word dick, or cock, here. Let the tone and voice do it's thing. Or just cut it, because the analogies here don't require you to to connect the dots so briskly.
That said, I don't know what Snoink is smoking (sucking?). The image of a sustained drag is so perfect and evocative. The analogies make me think of ash, burning, addiction, cancer, death. It's really pretty dark. But you're merely taking a puff and shooting the breeze. The haziness of smoke is what's dissipating from the speaker's words and thoughts.

I loved the third stanza. "and the thousand silent lost things" is a terrific line that really resonates here.

I'm gonna skip on down to this:

that hold us together like aborted emotions
above a gasping gaping breast,

I thought "aborted emotions" was poor phrasing and isn't redeemed by the following line. It lacks any semblance of nuance or thoughtfulness when I read it.

I hate doing this (but I'm gonna):

—out of the warn, but warm wool pocket, like a chewed on manhole

I think you meant "worn," or maybe even "warm." Definitely a typo though.

Enough of nitpicks. The Christian imagery does feel a little out of place, and I think this is what Snoink was trying to say. But it doesn't matter that you used it irreverently, and I think you actually used the very Christian imagery quite well.

The repetition of "parting" went with the flow and gave your poem cohesiveness in places where it otherwise wouldn't have any.

There's something dark and dangerous going on in the background of this poem that gives it such a dynamic presence. Tonally there's a deep sense of longing yet somehow you avoid a lustful tone which is fantastic in my opinion. Especially after the first line, the rest is a tight-rope above a chasm "large enough to swallow a poet on his camel." In the end you fit your camel, perhaps sparing its rider... but this is just food for thought.

I don't know, I actually liked it...It was unusual, but it was a good display of imagery. Nothings perfect so good job XD

How long has it been since I reviewed poetry.

This was interesting, Mustard. It's a nice commentary on mortality and its clasp on bliss - the two being, in essence, inseparable. In terms of the latter, at least.

Alright. As far as the first line, I'm going to have to reiterate Inkwell's criticism: its frankness, its unemotional demeanor is something of a turn-off. Then, yeah, it ties to the following stanzas only vicariously; vicarious ties are weak ties in the face of chronology and such, so I don't know if you need that first stanza at all? Everything it says is repeated more profoundly later on, anyway.

The "I think" that heads the second stanza irks me because the first stanza began with "I thought," never mind the differing contexts/meanings. It starts developing this ambiguity as far as the poem's contents; you don't need that.

I don't know what to say in regards to your Ray Charles reference, which I noticed you use again later on. Obviously you're alluding to some act/lyric?/personality trait of his, but honestly, I don't know crap about him so I'm in the dark there.

"Long sustained drag:" nitpicky, but I think inserting a comma between "long" and "sustained" would further its effect on the reader - lengthen the line in accordance with how it should be read to capture the imagery. Other than that, great line.

At the end of the second stanza, the last line has a most hesitant overtone. Don't be afraid to be more forthright - in fact, I encourage you to be so.

I have nothing to say on the third stanza, but

gah, change the last line of stanza four. You've stretch the grammatical cohesiveness of that sentence too much. You begin to accumulate a rambling tone.

Stanza five I love. You very well capture the atmosphere, that sense of...allure, shall I call it, the bliss, without resorting to those hackneyed "I want you"'s, which have no place in poetry as a rule. However, I have a feeling that the "warn" in the fifth line is meant to be "worn."

All Most of stanza six I also love, until we hit that embolic heart valve line and everything starts sounding robotic and uninteresting. "I've learned?" Oh, don't tell me what you've learned! Don't regress to that pretentious tone, not now, at the end!

Anyway. All things considered, it wasn't my favorite of yours, but it was an intriguing read - what I've come to expect of you.

Hope this helped.

-Kafka

Ok, so here's the thing-

You have talent. I saw it in the other piece of yours that I reviewed I was ok with this piece. I'm not a poetry expert but the imagery I saw was nice. There were a few formatting inconsistencies, but hey, perfection isn't easy. I agree with whoever it was above me that said if you believed what you were trying to make us (your readers) believe, that it would be 1000 times better! I'm going to keep reading your other things, because hey, we all have off days. You are a good writer and I know you can do way better than this...I've seen it

~Jess