Just Know That I Love You {Edited}

AN: This is for a contest, so I need all the advice I can get! Please rip to shreds. ^^

It couldn't possibly have been true. But the words were there in black and white, weren't they? Colleen Fox collapsed into her hammock and reread the clipping in the newspaper. According to it, he had suffered a gruesome death. When a navy soldier called Harris had found him, his chest and shoulders were soaked in blood and covered in bruises.

Colleen didn't know who would want to do that to Derrick. She just couldn't imagine seeing him limp and injured, the way the clipping had described, this was the first boy she had kissed, the first one she had truly loved. If she had just waited when Derrick's mother had said she was too poor to marry him, maybe they could have spent more time together. Why did she have to run away, join the pirates in hopes to make money so that Derrick's family would accept her? It had been risky, cross-dressing, but it was really the only way she could make a lot of money fast.

'Fox!' The voice came to her from above deck, and Colleen sighed angrily. She knew her ship was about to deport and that she needed to take a station.

'I'll just be a minute!' she called, choking back tears. Colleen sat up and tore the newspaper in two, shoving it against the wall. She pulled out her personal chest (which all crew members had to place their things) and began to rummage through it. After Colleen had left Port Royal, she and Derrick wrote letters. She had kept them in the chest, at the very bottom.

She took out her dagger, telling herself that she would need it in just a minute once the ship deported, just in case they ran into trouble whilst pillaging. She shoved her nightclothes to the side and ran her fingers against a thick pile of parchment. There were seven letters, but Colleen just took out the last one that Derrick had sent her, which she had received just last week.

Dearest Colleen,

Almost two and a half months have gone by and I already miss you sorely. Your last letter to me was sent nearly a month ago-did you receive my reply? I hope your endeavors at sea are successful. Please come back to Port Royal as soon as possible-not just because I miss you, and love you, but also because I'm worried. I've heard that a life at the sea is a dangerous one. But I shouldn't be, should I? You're strong and brave and I know that you'll survive. But in case it was to happen, just know that I love you.

With all my heart,

Derrick

Colleen hadn't had the chance to reply. She was going to tell Derrick how much she loved him in return, that she would be fine and that she was sorry for not writing earlier.

Colleen dried her tears and told herself that maybe one day, when she would be able to quit piracy, that she would fall in love with and marry someone else. But she'd never forget Derrick-it was he that her heart belonged to for now. Colleen blew a kiss toward the sky, toward heaven.

'Just know that I love you, darling.'

In the second sentence, try "But the words were there, in black and white"

Joining the pirates seems a little farfetched, since the story takes place at sea, maybe the Navy?

~Lindsay

Hey Eli!

The backstory seems a little bit contrived and not well-thought out. Like, is there any reason for the pirates and stuff? If you changed around some the details, it could be used to describe nearly anything. A pioneer getting murdered in the old west or something. So make it quirkier and more unique.

Also, I was more interested in what she does after she left. Surely, she must have a more pressing adventure coming up?

Hey Eli! Here as requested.

According to it, he had suffered a gruesome death—when a navy soldier called Harris had found him, his chest and shoulders were soaked in blood and covered in bruises.

Both the bolded parts are unnecessary. Since you're talking about the newspaper clipping in the previous sentence, it only makes sense that her knowledge comes from that. And this fleeting navy-soldier doesn't need to be named. It's just clutter. I generally find that it's best and most effective only to name the recurring characters, because assigning names to all the extras in the background (although they can be important!) just makes it harder for your readers to focus on who they need to be focusing on. Names are just so readers can keep up with the recurring characters and who's who. (This also applies later with the "Hardy" guy. Does the name give anything extra to his character? Not really.)

Why did she have to run away, join the pirates in hopes to make money so that Derrick’s family would accept her? It had been risky, cross-dressing, but it was really the only way she could make a lot of money fast.

This is pretty tell-y. And it seems like you're trying to be sneaky here introducing the pirate back-history, but it's not very smooth. See if there's another way you can have her regret her decision to run off. Instead of saying "it was the only way she could make a lot of money fast", try something along the lines of "money mattered-- but Derrick mattered more, and she had lost her chance to be with him". Not as melodramatic as that, but more subtle.

and Colleen sighed angrily. She knew her ship was about to deport and that she needed to take a station.

Firstly, while I get what you're trying to say with the "sighed angrily" thing, it sounds funny. Look for a verb that carries the same meaning.

Next: remember what I was telling you in your other pirate story, the one with Madeleine, about how you need to connect your MC with your narrative more? That applies here. Even though this isn't first person, you still need some amount of crossover between your MC's emotions and thoughts, and the prose. Reread my overall critique on "Into the Depths chapter 1", because I think you can still work on that.

For example, here you say "She knew..." which is unnecessary (and again, tell-y). Instead of telling us that she has information, show us what this information means or how she gleans it: is this sailor guy waving at her to get to her position? Does the ship churn under her, preparing for its next adventure? Read this. It's the best Show vs Tell article I could find.

What would happen now? She had no motivation to continue piracy now that Derrick was dead, and Colleen couldn’t go home, not now.

Three uses of "now", too closely together. Watch for repetitive stuff.

Overall

Short note: why was he brutally murdered? It's just thrown in there with no explanation or attempt at reasoning. For the money? Does he have enemies? The murder right now is acting as a reason for Derrick to die, instead of something someone did for a reason.

I liked the original ending better. I didn't pick out every edit you made between drafts, but the suicide at the end is so...obvious. Like Snoink said, contrived. Really sudden, too-- the story is so short that we don't have any time to mentally prepare ourselves for such a dramatic turn of events, and so we can't be surprised. We can't really even care. We have no reason to-- we barely know Colleen, and she decides so quickly that there's no time for us to really feel her pain. I seems like such a Juliet cliché-- killing yourself just because your lover is gone.

What I'd love to see here is more connection with Colleen. I don't know if you have a word count limit, but you can afford to draw this out a bit, just so the readers can get a better feel of her and her situation. In fact, what was the contest prompt, or the guidelines for it? Depending on what the aim of this contest is, I think we might be able to focus the story on something more...well, interesting. Like Snoink says, it seems like what comes next could be more exciting. Maybe while she's looting a ship she sees someone who looks like Derrick's little sister and can't bring herself to steal from her...that way, instead of all this mushy I CANNOT GO ON stuff, she can apply her emotions to some action, to keep readers engaged.

PM me with the details of the contest, okay? If you have time before the deadline, I think you can make this a lot more exciting and adventurous to add to the sweet story aspect.

~Evi

Hey Eli!

Now that you ended with her going, "Woe is me, my life is over, DAGGERPLUNGEHEARTSQUIRT" it sounds even hokier! Remember that storytelling is all about the tease. When you first start teasing hair, you have to first brush the ends, just slightly, before moving up, slowly, until finally it's teased. Strip teases are similar. You have to take off the socks first before you can appreciate the nude figure, no? So draw it out a little more. Right now, it's too fast.

Nice analogy, Snoink. xD

Anyway, thanks all for the comments! I changed the ending back to what it was originally, and I'm going to work more at this and possibly re-write it. For now, I'm locking it. ^^