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Origins of a Queen



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Fri Feb 26, 2010 5:17 am
Elinor says...



The Widow Queen is not my creation. This story is entirely mine, because I wrote this for a contest. The character of the Widow Queen belongs entirely to a website called Puzzle Pirates. If you would like to see the article on her, click here.
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The night was peaceful and still. As the residents of the city slept warm in their beds, Evalynn Glass bolted through the dark and decrepit town, her deep orange hair flowing behind her like fire.
“Thomas,” Evalynn said with a laugh, “You’re really too much.”
A tall boy with unkempt dark hair smiled and grabbed her hand. “Keep quiet,” he said. “I don’t want anyone interrupting what I’m about to show you.”
Evalynn raised her eyebrow and increased her stride so she could keep up with Thomas’s fast pace. “Are you sure it’s all that grand? We certainly have to go very far to reach it!”
Thomas did not have time to answer her question. They had arrived at the edge of the town, where a small stone staircase led to the beach below. They descended it, and Thomas pointed to a section of willow trees where the branches parted to form an opening.
“In there,” he said.
Evalynn sighed and took his hand, allowing him to lead her into the tree. As the gentle ocean waves flapped behind them, Evalynn was absolutely shocked with what she saw. It was quite a large space, with rose and lily petals gracing the ground. There were two embroidered pillows lying by the trunk of three; the moonlight came through the branches, to shine perfectly upon the pillows, as if seeming to urge the two to come and sit. They obliged.
“Do you like it?”
Evalynn was on the verge of tears. “Thomas, you did this all for me?”
“What can I say? A beautiful girl like you is hard to resist. I thought you deserved a grand evening such as this. Actually, there is something else, too.”
Evalynn paused as Thomas got a wrinkled piece of paper out of his pocket. “I wrote this for you,” he said, handing it to her. Evalynn started reading it.

This girl beside me
She’s got the beauty of a goddess.
Her hair is like the sun.
Her eyes are like the forest.

I see in her, something very special.
She’s unlike other girls.
So graceful, so lovely,
Next to her, Aphrodite is ugly.

Evalynn Glass,
I love her so much.
She’s my lovely little goddess.

She smiled, tears flowing down her cheeks, and Thomas leaned forward to kiss her. Although it was their second kiss, this wasn’t just a tiny peck; it lasted for several moments, Evalynn savoring each one. She was happy to have found a boy as perfect and sweet as Thomas. She almost felt unworthy of his affection.
However, their kiss was interrupted by what sounded like a large crash in the distance.
“What was that?” Evalynn asked, worried.
“I don’t know,” said Thomas. “It’s probably nothing—there might be a storm brewing outside.”
The crash sounded again, this time much louder. “Thomas—” she said. “Please, something isn’t right.”
He laughed. “Relax, Evalynn. It’ll be okay. Just put your head on my shoulder.”
“Thomas…”
They heard the noise again. It was much louder now-followed by an indescribable smell which Evalynn recognized as smoke.
“Thomas! Let’s get out of here! I think someone is attacking the town!”
He paused for a minute, then grabbed Evalynn’s hand.
“You’re right. Let’s go.”
They bolted out of the tree, trying to find safety. However, they were stopped by an ugly man with a pistol and tattered clothing.
Evalynn screamed.
“You’re quite pretty,” he said to Evalynn, his voice gruff. He leaned forward to sniff her hair, but she slapped his hand away.
“Get off of her, you scum. She’s mine.”
“Aww,” he said, “So you’re a couple. The funny thing is that my captain has been searching for a young lady to stay aboard his vessel. Unfortunately, I can’t have you interfering.”
The man fired his pistol into Thomas’s forehead. Evalynn cried out in horror.
“Shh, my dear. Nothing we can do about it now.” He tried to place his arm on Evalynn’s shoulder, but she punched him in the face.
“YOU KILLED HIM!” She screeched.
The man simply laughed, trying to restrain her. He was able to pin her to the ground and handcuff her. She spat in his face, but this only made him laugh more.
She wanted to scream, tell him to go to hell, but Evalynn was afraid that he would gag him if she did. A monstrous vessel soon came into view. The sails were dirty and tattered, the many guns jutted out of the sides, and of course, there was the Jolly Roger, black as midnight.
The deck was deserted except for the captain.
“I told you to find me a beautiful young woman,” he said, “and you didn’t fail me.”
Evalynn scowled. “If you think you can mindlessly use me a sex puppet, you are very wrong indeed.”
The two laughed in unison.
Evalynn then decided that she had to do something. She could steal the gun and shoot the two. She saw it, in the pirate’s pocket. She tried to lunge for it, but he caught her and smacked her hand away.
She did not expect what was coming next. He took his gun and shot her in the eye. Evalynn cried out—the pain was unimaginable. Blood started pouring out of her empty socket and onto the deck.
With her last bit of energy, she was able to grab the gun and shoot the two. Smiling triumphantly, she found a cloth and dabbed it over her eye. It would work—for now. Things would change from here on out. Evalynn would gather her own crew, sailing the high seas to avenge Thomas’s death. Most importantly, she would fashion a new name for herself—The Widow Queen.
Before she left the vessel, she spoke the bodies of the pirates whom she had killed.
“"What your hold needs is a woman's touch. You'll get that at least, as we can't go about taking every bit of treasure you have without actually touching it."

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





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Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:18 pm
kamorama says...



Very very interesting. I like it, a lot. There are a few nitpicks that I'd like to point out however.

it lasted for several moments, Evalynn savoring each one


This requires something between Evalynn and moments. Maybe and or with or some other word like that. It doesn't flow very well.

“If you think you can mindlessly use me a sex puppet


You need to say "as a sex puppet" but I think that was just a typo.

“"What your hold needs is a woman's touch.


Other than that, wonderful. I really liked it.
Double quotation marks
"'It is some time since I last heard the sound of your shears. How long have you been Eavesdropping?'

'Eavesdropping, sir? I don't follow you, begging your pardon. There ain't no eaves at Bag End and that's a fact!'"

- Sam Gamgee and Gandalf the Grey. The Fellowship of the Ring, Pg. 70.
  





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Sat Feb 27, 2010 7:33 pm
Writersdomain says...



This is interesting, Elinor! WD, here as requested. :wink: I'm very interested to see where this story is going--this is a very eventful beginning and that can work well for this. It's coming along-- a lot of your dialogue is working nicely, which I'm glad to see! You seem to have a lot of interesting characters, and I'm just going to address one or two things.

The biggest problem I have with this is body language. The dialogue is coming along, the characters seem to be working out. But the body language is lacking and the general grounding in the setting is lacking, which is making it hard for me to be pulled into the story. I like that you are relying on dialogue and not overdescribing things, but this seems very bare on the characterization side and I don't feel like I have a good grasp of your character's physical reactions yet. A few examples:

The night was peaceful and still. As the residents of the city slept warm in their beds, Evalynn Glass bolted through the dark and decrepit town, her deep orange hair flowing behind her like fire.

“Thomas,” Evalynn said with a laugh, “You’re really too much.”

A tall boy with unkempt dark hair smiled and grabbed her hand. “Keep quiet,” he said. “I don’t want anyone interrupting what I’m about to show you.”


This beginning goes incredibly fast! First, we get Evalynn running, a very brief image of her. As a reader, I have next to no grounding in the setting aside from the fact that it is decrepit. I know this is a shorter piece, but I think some more detail about the town, some buildings she passes, some things she sees, some reactions from her would flesh out this first image better. And make it less abrupt when Thomas comes in. Right now Thomas is surprising me and throwing me off track because we switch from Evalynn alone to Thomas being with her so fast with almost no transition or description. Body language, relevant setting. You don't have to describe a whole lot here, but some images and some characterization would make this smoother!

Evalynn sighed and took his hand, allowing him to lead her into the tree. As the gentle ocean waves flapped behind them, Evalynn was absolutely shocked with what she saw. It was quite a large space, with rose and lily petals gracing the ground.


Here is where body language alert starts beeping! Evalynn was absolutely shocked. What does that look like? The emotion of absolute shock doesn't mean much to me, because I can't visualize what that looks like on Evalynn. Does her jaw drop? Her eyes go wide? Does she take a step back? Does she hunch over and gawk at people? Does she drool? Obviously, you don't need to go into excessive detail, but an image here would give us tons of insight into your character, much more than a statement of emotion would!

She smiled, tears flowing down her cheeks, and Thomas leaned forward to kiss her. Although it was their second kiss, this wasn’t just a tiny peck; it lasted for several moments, Evalynn savoring each one. She was happy to have found a boy as perfect and sweet as Thomas. She almost felt unworthy of his affection.

However, their kiss was interrupted by what sounded like a large crash in the distance.

“What was that?” Evalynn asked, worried.

“I don’t know,” said Thomas. “It’s probably nothing—there might be a storm brewing outside.”

The crash sounded again, this time much louder. “Thomas—” she said. “Please, something isn’t right.”


Once again, this part goes by way too fast! First, we get insight into Thomas and Evalynn's relationship, but I don't really feel the dynamics between them yet! You say that Evalynn is happy to be with him, but I get no visceral feeling from her, not giddy feelings, no physical reaction. I can't see her, can't really visualize or relate to her yet. Work on developing these dynamics more! You can do it without slowing down the pace too much. And then she hears crashing. What is her reaction? We get dialogue, but we get so little body language it seems rushed and unrealistic. Take your time! You don't have to overdescribe to create an image. Just give the reader something to relate to, something to visualize. You're on the right track; we just need the world and character more fleshed out!

She did not expect what was coming next. He took his gun and shot her in the eye. Evalynn cried out—the pain was unimaginable. Blood started pouring out of her empty socket and onto the deck.


OUCH. So, I have never been shot in the eye... but I can imagine it would be one giant, soaring, shrieking, awful OUCH. And yet the only description we get is that the pain was unimaginable? I can't feel that, which is a problem. Not that I really want to get shot in the eye, but right now this seems unrealistic because Evalynn has so little reaction. We need more than the pain being unimaginable--help us imagine it. Even if the description is choppy and not nearly what she feels, the reader needs something more here in order to relate with Evalynn. :wink:

So, those are a few examples where this issue was most blatant. When you revise this, go back and don't be afraid to slow down a little bit! You don't have to sacrifice the pace, but the reader needs more images here. Right now Evalynn seems distant because I have no idea how she reacts to things, what she looks like in relation to her setting etc. More body language and grounding will help smooth out the transitions and make this more believable. Again, you have a nice start! This shows a lot of potential and I want to see where it is going, especially with that kind of title! Just work on those things as you revise and continue to write. :wink: Keep writing, m'dear! PM me if you have any questions!
~ WD
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"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  





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Sun Feb 28, 2010 6:08 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hi Elinor. The story is mavellous and you should write it's next part too.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sun Feb 28, 2010 10:55 pm
BondGirl007 says...



Hey El! So first off, I really liked this story, it has a few things that need to be fixed, but I think the plot's really good.

The beginning I thought was pretty good, but after this
However, their kiss was interrupted by what sounded like a large crash in the distance.

It just went all downhill.

You tried to rush the plot along without really giving us any meat. No feeling in it, just kind of, she did this, she did that.

The man fired his pistol into Thomas’s forehead. Evalynn cried out in horror
So the love of her life was just murdered, inches from her, and that's all we get? You've got to add more into your story, she felt, the rage, the sorrow. Also I believe since he was shot so close to her, that blood would be spattered all over her. Discribe that.

Really most of the story seems really empty of emotion, because instead of trying to capture the feelings of your characters, you're trying to move the plot along.

Add some more feeling into it, and it will be great!
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."
  








Excuse me I have never *lied* about a character I just don't tell the truth
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